WARNING: This MSTing contains situations that are of more of an "adult" nature than your usual MST3K episode. I don't think that it's any worse than your average PG-13 rated movie, but just to be safe you should check with your parents, your religious leaders or whoever else decides what you're allowed to read before you continue. Also, one MSTer tried to read this MSTing but couldn't finish it because the ads that got the MSTing treatment were too "repugnant". You have been warned. "25 Opening Lines To Use On Topless Dancers", "How To Pick Up Hot & Sexy Topless Dancers", and "How To Date Young Women... For Men Over 35" were MSTed by: Mighty Jack (mityjack@net.bluemoon.net) and Catherine Johnson (TCurryFan@aol.com) [Season Eight opening theme and credits] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL] [Crow is alone at his usual place, clearly excited about something he has just read in the magazine on the control panel in front of him.] CROW: Mike! Hey Mike! Come here, quick! [Mike comes running in from stage right with Tom Servo following along behind him.] MIKE: What? What is it, Crow? CROW: Well, I found this magazine in the load pan bay, and just look at this ad, Mike! It says here that you can call one of their psychics and get a ten minute reading for *free*! TOM SERVO: Come on, Crow, don't you know that those psychics are all fakes? CROW: Not true, Tommy! Just check out these real, honest-to-God, unpaid testimonials! Says here that this girl called for her free reading, and it was amazing how much the psychic knew! She knew right away that this girl really wanted to win the lottery, that she likes to sleep about eight hours every night, that she usually votes either Democratic or Republican, and that she *hates* to wait on line at the DMV! MIKE: Well... I still don't know... CROW: And this other guy said that he doesn't get out much, but calling one of their psychics was the most exciting thing he's ever done! And it's *free*, Mike! How can you go wrong with that? Come on, let's give them a call! I want to find out what the future holds for my love life! MIKE: Well, okay, I guess we could give it a try... wait a minute. You have a love life? CROW: Mike, you wouldn't understand. Just call! It says right here that you can call them with any World War II style portable phone that you might have lying around. MIKE: Okay, let me look... [peers under the control panel] Yup, still got it right here... [Mike lifts the WWII phone onto the control panel, picks up the receiver, looks at the magazine and starts dialing. The phone rings twice and then someone who sounds a lot like Paul Chaplin answers it.] VOICE: Hello? Who is this? MIKE: Hi, this is Mike Nelson, and I was wondering if you could tell me about my future. VOICE [screaming]: THERE IS NO FUTURE!!! [Mike winces and holds the phone away from his ear.] And do you know why?! Because any minute now, someone's gonna push that button, baby, and then those nukes are gonna take us right into a radioactive Stone Age!!! And that's if those black helicopters and UFOs don't get us first! You wanna know what the future holds?! DEATH! DEATH! PLAGUES! FAMINE! SPATULAS! MEATHOOKS! WITH A SIDE ORDER OF BACON AND A PLATEFUL OF GARDEN SOD! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [Click. Dial tone.] CROW: Well *that* was an odd fortune.... MIKE: No kidding. I didn't even get my full ten minutes! Maybe I should call back and complain... [looks at the magazine] Oh! *That* explains a lot. I was looking at the wrong ad! I was calling the PSYCHOTIC Friends Network! TOM SERVO: Well, no wonder! [The commercial sign light starts flashing.] MIKE: Well, let's go to commercial sign and see if we can get some of the folks at home to call their own psychic while I try again.... [Mike hits the commercial sign button.] [Commercials. Just before coming back to the show we see an ad for... what else? A phone psychic.] [SOL] [Mike is leaning on the control panel, looking towards stage left with the phone to his ear. Crow and Tom are looking at Mike.] MIKE: Hello, my name is... [A female voice with a southern accent interrupts on the phone.] VOICE: Your name is Michael J. Nelson, and you are imprisoned on a ship called the Satellite of Love with your plucky little robot friends Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. You are being pursued by an obsessive woman named Pearl Forrester who drives a Volkswagen van through space with a hairy, smelly ape and a mysterious, all-powerful being to assist her. She tortures you with horrible movies and Usenet posts in an effort to break your will and control your mind. Oh, and the number you're thinking about is twelve. MIKE [flabbergasted]: Wow. That's amazing! How the heck did you know all that? [The Mads light starts blinking. Mike reaches out and hits it.] [Pearl Forrester's van] [Closeup on Observer, sitting in the back of the van. He's talking on a cellular phone.] OBSERVER [Southern female voice]: Well, I'm a psychic, Michael. It's my job to know about these things, and... [Observer suddenly notices the camera and quickly ducks down low, mostly out of view. The camera pulls back to show Pearl Forrester in the driver's seat and Bobo in the passenger seat.] PEARL: Hi guys. I can see you're on the phone, so I'll try to make this short. Ever wonder how we can pull up all those Usenet posts from over 500 years ago so easily? Well, it turns out that my Clayton was archiving the entire Usenet before he met his tragic end. "You never know when one of these posts will come in handy," he'd say as he'd rub his hands and chuckle in that charmingly evil way he had. And that filled up one heck of a lot of Zip disks, let me tell you! More than I could *ever* fit into the back of this van, in fact. But, fortunately, I found a way around that little problem.... [Bobo turns around and grabs the cell phone while Observer is still talking.] BOBO: Let me try talking to them! [Observer wrenches the phone out of Bobo's grasp and keeps talking. Bobo turns back to face the camera and sulks.] [SOL] [Mike is still on the phone, still not looking towards Cambot while Crow and Tom look on.] MIKE: [to the robots] I think we got disconnected, I'm hearing some weird noises... [to the phone] You're back? Oh good. So you're saying that we haven't got a chance of holding out against Pearl and her experiments and we'd better just give up and kneel before her while she still might show us mercy? Hmm... I don't know if I like the sound of that. But you've been right about everything else so far.... [Pearl's van] PEARL: So, anyway, it's *amazing* how far miniaturization has gone in 500 or some odd years. And now everything that was on all those thousands of Zip disks can fit on just one tape! [Pearl holds up an 8 track cassette tape with the label "Usenet Posts" written on it in magic marker.] See? Isn't this great? Now I can use this 8 track player for more than just listening to my old KISS tapes! And just to show you how well it works, I'm going to send you a little triple feature of Internet ads that helped make me into the man-hating witch that I am today. Enjoy! [As Pearl pops the cassette into her 8 track player, Bobo turns around and taps Observer on the shoulder opposite from the cell phone.. As Observer looks in that direction, Bobo snatches the phone away from Observer, turns back around in his seat and starts talking on the phone.] [SOL] MIKE [disbelieving]: What was that? "You are a hairless ape who doesn't get enough bananas and termites in your diet and you must stop rejecting the authority of the Lawgiver"? Wait a minute... [Everyone finally looks towards Cambot and sees who they're talking to.] ALL: BOBO?!? [Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts] MIKE: Come on, guys! We got spam sign! TOM SERVO [singing]: Spam spam spam spam, spam spam spam spam... [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [Theater] [Mike arrives carrying Tom as Crow follows along] MIKE: Geez... scammed by a phone psychic! CROW: Who'd've thought? [Everyone sits down] >Path: acsu.buffalo.edu!ub!csn!nntp-xfer-1.csn.net!imci3!newsfeed. > internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!zdc!zdc-e!szdc-e!news >From: gemini@brokersys.com (gemini) >Newsgroups: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica >Subject: 25 Opening Lines to Use on Topless Dancers >Date: Wed, 05 Jun 1996 04:39:58 GMT >Organization: Zippo CROW: Wow, those lighter guys are really branching out, aren't they? >Lines: 76 >Message-ID: <31b50f8a.3191636@news.brokersys.com> > >I'm not sure if this group would be interested, MIKE: Would it make a difference if we said no? but I would like to >share some valuable information on 25 opening lines to use on topless >dancers: > >25 Opening Lines to Use on Topless Dancers TOM SERVO: So... how may opening lines was that again? >1. "What is your real name?" CROW [as dancer]: Steve. > (if she tells you her real name instead >of her stage name, this could indicate that she's interested in you). MIKE [as loser]: You wouldn't lie to me and give me another phony name, would you? >2. "Where are you from?" TOM SERVO [as dancer]: My mother. CROW [as loser]: Do they all have such big gazongas out there? >3. Do you have a boyfriend...How long have you been seeing each >other?" MIKE [as dancer]: Yes, I do... he's the big guy over there who's coming over to kick your ass. >4. "Don't you get tired of all these horny men with their brain >between their legs?" CROW [as dancer]: Yeah... so leave me alone! >5. "You have such a beautiful body, MIKE [as John Cleese]: If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected! > where do you work out at?" TOM SERVO [as loser]: And is it okay if I stalk you there? >6. "What do you plan on doing when you get off work tonight? MIKE [as dancer]: Getting as far away from you as possible. >7. "How long have you been dancing?" TOM SERVO [as dancer]: About 20 minutes. Oh, you mean ALL together... >8. "Have you got any children? MIKE [as loser]: And do they know how hot their mommy is? How old are they?" CROW [as loser]: 38 and 40?! Wow, you really *do* take care of yourself! >9. "What made you decide to get into dancing?" TOM SERVO [as dancer]: My pimp. >10. "What part of town do you live in?" MIKE [as dancer]: As far away from you as possible. >11. "Are you attracted to other women?" This can help you determine if >she is a lesbian and if she is, you will be wasting your time trying >to score with her. TOM SERVO: Actually, she would probably say it just to get you to leave her alone. CROW [as loser]: You are, huh? Well, could you bring your friends along? Okay, how about I just watch? >12. "How long do you plan on working as a topless dancer?" MIKE [as dancer]: I don't know. How long do you plan on being a nosy little creep? >13. "How did you get such a nice tan?" TOM SERVO [as loser]: I see you're not showing any tan lines.... >14. "When do you work?" CROW [as dancer]: Ummm... now? Duh. >15. "You are so beautiful, I couldn't help but notice you, MIKE [as loser]: Seeing as how you're dancing right in front of me, and all... > you look so >nice, my name is..." TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Do you know how many times I've heard that line before?! >16. "Where to you like to go party?" CROW [as dancer]: English isn't your first language, is it? >17. "Would you like to go party with me when you get off?" MIKE [as dancer]: No. CROW [as dancer]: And not after _you_ get off, either! >18. "What do you like to do on your days off?" TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Kill sleazy guys who ask me stupid questions while I'm trying to work. MIKE: Feeling a little dark, Tom? TOM SERVO: This post is really getting to me. >19. "How do you keep your body in such good shape?" CROW [as dancer]: From fending off losers all night. Here, let me show you.... MIKE [as dancer]: I dance 8 hours a night, you idiot! >20. "What time do you get off work?" TOM SERVO [as loser]: And what time do you think *I'll* be getting off, if you know what I mean? >21. "What do your parents think about you dancing?" CROW [as dancer]: They're both DEAD, you bastard! Thanks for reminding me! > If either parent >is against her dancing be sure and take sides with her and defend her >occupation as a dancer. MIKE [as loser]: They disinherited you, huh? That's too bad. Still, at least you got a great career out of the deal, huh? >22. "What kind of man turns you on?" TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Someone who's very not you. >23. "Do you ever get burnt out on dancing?" CROW [as dancer]: Actually, just hearing all these stupid questions makes me want to quit the business.... >24. "Do you have any hobbies?" MIKE: Are you known for your work in the theater? >25. "Do you do any modeling?" CROW [as dancer]: Sure, I love putting together little airplanes, cars, ships... >This article is an excerpt from my new book, "How to Pick Up Topless >Dancers." If you would like to receive some more tips that are >guaranteed to have you meeting, attracting, and seducing hot & sexy >topless dancers, just send any message to: topless@uni.com TOM SERVO: I've got a message for them, but we'd lose our PG rating if I said it. >======================================================== >>>>>>Gemini Publishing Co. - In Business Since 1978<<<<< >Book, Cassettes, and Videos on how to meet, attract, and >seduce women. Send your e-mail to: gemini@brokersys.com >to receive our free catalog (over 40 products) by e-mail. >======================================================== MIKE: Ironically, Geminis are supposed to be great at communication... CROW: [snort] Yeah, right! MIKE: ... but they're also considered very superficial. TOM SERVO: Now *that* fits perfectly. [Commercials.] >HOW TO PICK UP HOT & SEXY TOPLESS DANCERS >Copyright 1996 by Gemini Publishing Co. MIKE: See, guys really need a book like this, because usually they waste time trying to pick up the ugly dancers. >If you have been to topless clubs, I'm sure that you have had >all kinds of sexual fantasies about doing all kinds of >naughty things to those hot & sexy topless dancers. TOM SERVO: They, on the other hand, could care less about you. > For most >men this is where their fantasies end. MIKE: Others climb up on the stage, grope the dancers and then get tossed out on their drunken butts. CROW: Speaking from experience, Mike? > They get all hot & >horny, then go home and masturbate. CROW: Or, if they can't wait that long, there's always the men's room... >Well, that's all in the past when you use these proven >techniques to score with topless dancers: TOM SERVO: Proven by _whom_, exactly? >1. The key to scoring with dancers is to establish a > friendship and avoid becoming just another customer. CROW: So, basically, pretend not to just be another guy trying to score with her so you can score with her? MIKE: Pretty much... > Always buy her drinks instead of table dances. If you buy > her drinks, she's more inclined to stay with you. TOM SERVO: That way, she'll be too drunk to realize what a pathetic loser you are. > At some > point she will hit you up for a table dance. CROW: Yeah, sure... [as dancer] My job isn't degrading enough... PLEASE let me degrade myself some more for you! > Just say, > "There's nothing more I would love than to have you dance > for me, but I do not want to be just another customer, MIKE [as customer]: *I* want to be just another desperate, lonely creep that you have to try and find some way of getting away from! > I'm > more interested in getting to know you better and become > your friend. TOM SERVO [as customer]: And then dump you like yesterday's garbage once I get you into bed! Wouldn't you love to have a friend like that? > Look, I know the ropes of your business and I > understand this is how you make your money, so if you need > to leave and make some money I understand. CROW [as dancer]: Would you understand if I left because you're skanky? > Why don't you > come back over here with me and party after you make some > money?" MIKE: At which point, the dancer will slap you so hard you can't see straight. > If she does come back over to you to be with you, CROW: ... she is INCREDIBLY desperate. > things look promising. Then, just simply ask her to meet > you for lunch or dinner on her day off. MIKE [as dancer]: Uh, I don't have any days off. Sorry. >2. Here's what I call the "Lottery Method" I use to score > with dancers. TOM SERVO [as writer]: I throw rocks at one of the dancers while she shouts: "It isn't FAIR!!!" > This involves stage dancing, where the > dancers dance for mostly $1 tips put in her G-string. MIKE: Don't be afraid to try it just because you're a guy... just put on your G-string and get up there! > Here's how you do it: Just go up to the edge of the stage > with a dollar bill folded longways with a lottery ticket > inside it. TOM SERVO: That's bound to get uncomfortable. > Then she will dance in front of you and when > she squats down, put the dollar bill with the lottery > ticket inside of it, in her G-string after she motions you > to do so. MIKE: Make sure to limp away in excruciating pain after you try to cop a feel and she kicks you in the nuts. > After giving her the dollar bill, be sure and > tell her there's a lottery ticket inside the dollar bill. CROW: She probably won't hear you, but... TOM SERVO: Just don't tell her that it's a losing ticket from three days ago. > Then she will thank you and kiss you lightly on your lips > or cheek. So, how does this work? CROW: Well, first she puckers up her lips, then she touches your lips or cheek with them.... > On the back of the > lottery ticket write, "If you win, call me at > __________and let's celebrate. MIKE: When did they start putting an underline button on the phone? > Even if you don't win, > let's meet for lunch or dinner. TOM SERVO [as writer]: When this ticket turns out to be a loser, let it remind you of me! > Good luck!" Then sign your > name. CROW [as if signing his name]: Dick... Hardslab... > Try this method. It works! TOM SERVO: My advice: keep the ticket. You've probably got a better chance of winning the grand prize than picking up a woman, anyway! >3. Be sure to go to the topless clubs that feature "Amateur > Night." CROW: On second thought, don't go. Buffalo Bill ruined Amateur Night for everybody, after all. > These amateur topless dancers are the easiest to > pick up. MIKE: Well, actually, most dancers are pretty easy to lift, because they're... oh. Nevermind. > They're friendly, receptive and being that > they're new to dancing, TOM SERVO: ... they haven't learned to avoid jerks like you yet! > they're not burnt out or hardened > by the topless club atmosphere, or have a bad attitude > towards men. CROW: But one date with you can fix that! > A lot of these girls get high to get up their > courage to dance and will be easier to take advantage of > because of their weakened mental condition. TOM SERVO: Whoa! Back up a second there, Sparky! Do the words "diminished capacity" mean anything to you, by any chance? How about "rape", slimeball? > Make it a > point to go often to these "Amateur Nights." CROW: That way the police will know exactly where to find you. > On good > nights, there can be up to ten fresh rookies for you to > seduce. MIKE: *sigh* Suddenly I'm very glad I'm not sharing a planet with *this* guy anymore. >4. Knowing when and what time to go to topless clubs can > increase your chances of scoring with dancers. TOM SERVO: For example, you're not gonna get anywhere if the club hasn't opened up yet. > In general, > the best nights to go are Tuesday-Thursday. The best time > to arrive is between 10:30 p.m. and midnight - even later > is better. Why? MIKE: Because the closer it is to closing time, the less time the dancers have to put up with you. > Because the dancers have already made > their money and will be more inclined to spend some time > with you and this is to your advantage so you can make > your moves. CROW: Guys... remember the good old days when all of our dating shorts were cute, wholesome films from the '50s? TOM SERVO: Crow... they didn't have movies back in the days of ancient Rome. CROW: The *19*50's, Tom! Sheesh... > Also, after midnight TOM SERVO [singing]: ... gonna let it all hang out! > most of the married men > have left to return home to their wives. CROW: While others offer money for things that their wives won't do.... MIKE: That's enough, Crow. > Try to hang > around until closing time and ask her out for breakfast or > to go party with you. TOM SERVO: So, she spends her night stripping, and after that you think she wants to go "partying"? When is this poor girl supposed to sleep? >5. This is what I call the "Teddy Bear" method. This is a > unique method to attract dancers like crazy. MIKE: But wouldn't it be kinda hard to fit the bear into a teddy? CROW: You're sick, Mike. > This involves > bringing a small teddy bear with you to the topless club. TOM SERVO: A teddy bear makes for a *weird* sex aid.... > You can buy these little teddy bears at any toy store. MIKE: No! Really? CROW: Thanks, Einstein. > All > you have to do is set it on your table and it will attract > the dancers curiosity. They will ask, MIKE [as dancer]: Who's the geek with the stuffed animal? > "Who's the teddy > bear for?" You will reply, "I'm giving it to the first > dancer who will meet me for lunch or dinner. Would you be > interested?" TOM SERVO: And then you'll be laughed out of the club. > Try this method and eventually a dancer will > take you up on meeting for lunch or dinner MIKE: Don't be surprised if it takes a few hundred times before someone finally takes pity on you.... > and she will > get the teddy bear. TOM SERVO: And once the bear gets thoroughly cleaned, it'll have a much better chance of sharing a bed with her than you ever will! > She will admire you, too, for your > unique approach in getting a lunch or dinner date. CROW: Sure, until every other dimwit who's read this ad shows up at the strip club with teddy bears! >TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW TO MEET, ATTRACT, AND SEDUCE TOPLESS >DANCERS MIKE: ... not necessarily in that order... > PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING IMPORTANT INFORMATION: TOM SERVO: And then use it to line your bird cage. >Would You Like to Have Your Life Filled With Hot & Sexy >Topless Dancers Eager to Go to Bed With You...and...Give You >"ANYTHING" You Want? CROW: Like any straight guy's gonna say "no" to THAT.... MIKE: Will they give me my "SLIPPERS" and my "MORNING PAPER"? >If so, TOM SERVO: ... run, do not walk, to therapy... 'cause IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, PAL! > this may be the most exciting message you will ever >read! CROW: I pity ANYONE who would find this "the most exciting message they ever read".... > Here's why: If you've been to a topless club, I'm sure >you've dreamed about making love to these hot & sexy topless >dancers. TOM SERVO: Gee, and all this time I thought guys went there for the loud music and the overpriced drinks! >Now, you can do it! Just follow my easy step-by-step methods >and techniques in my new book, MIKE: "I Am a Pathetic Loser, and I Don't Care Who Knows It". > "How to Pick Up Topless >Dancers" and you'll soon discover CROW: ... how far I'll go to earn a couple of bucks. > how easy it is to turn >these dream girls into "real girls." TOM SERVO: So women don't exist until they agree to sleep with you, is that it? >YOU WILL LEARN: > >* How to get "free" table dances and how to get her to show > you her "bush" MIKE: If you're lucky, she'll also show you her "nine inch nails", her "beck", her "alanis morissette", and her "soundgarden"! CROW: Personally, I'd rather see her "hole"... [Mike and Tom turn and stare at Crow] CROW: What? I like Courtney Love, so sue me! >* Where to sit in a topless club where the dancers will be > begging to be with you. CROW: Just sit in the ladies' room and lock the door behind you! They might even break the door down to get to you! > This secret place is guaranteed to > have all the girls approaching you one after another TOM SERVO: ... to gawk at you and mutter, "What the HELL is this guy's problem?!" >* The secrets to asking dancers for a date that guarantees a > "yes" MIKE: Do you think I'm completely unappealing? TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Yes. MIKE: Will you not go out with me in a million years? TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Yes. MIKE: Would you like me to shrivel up and die? TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Yes! >* Why "Amateur Night" is your best chance to score with these > dancers. MIKE: And get thrown in the slammer. > Learn how you can take advantage of these "rookie > dancers" CROW: You know, I'm starting to think that this guy's not trying to steer his readers towards any kind of long-lasting, meaningful relationship here.... TOM SERVO: It's times like this I'm proud not to be human. >* How to talk to topless dancers and opening lines that > really capture her attention and make her desire you MIKE: Drooling on yourself and passing out is PROBABLY not a good idea. >* How to score with hot & sexy topless dancers at closing > time CROW: Step #1: Wait until closing time. >* How to successfully give out your phone number to dancers. TOM SERVO: You hand them a piece of paper with your number on it. How hard is that? MIKE: Note that he never says they'll actually call you.... > This method works like crazy CROW: Yeah, that last word looks right at home in this spam.... MIKE: "Sick", "sleazy", and "sexist" also spring to mind. >* How to tell if a dancer is "hot" for you and craves to be > with you CROW: Hint #1: She's too high or drunk to be choosy. >* The best days of the week for you to pick up topless > dancers and which two nights to avoid TOM SERVO: Let me guess... Thanksgiving? Or how about the night the police come crashing in with a warrant? >* Why it's much easier to take advantage of the young and > inexperienced topless dancer MIKE: The same reason guys get suckered in by ads like this one... they just don't know any better! >* How to flirt with topless dancers TOM SERVO: First you find a topless dancer. Then you make an ass of yourself in front of her just like you'd do with any other girl. See how easy that was? >Aren't you tired of going to topless clubs and going home all >hot & horny and having to whack your wee-wee? CROW: Isn't that Lorena Bobbit's job? MIKE: OUCH! >Well, that's all in the past when you use the techniques in >my new book, "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers" that makes >scoring with topless dancers a breeze. Isn't about time you >experienced the thrill of a huge boner when she does a >"private dance" for you in the bedroom? You will swear that >you have died and gone to heaven! TOM SERVO: Right now *I'd* swear that heaven is one place this writer's *never* going to see. >Continue to find out what else you'll learn!.... MIKE: Or skip this spam and put the sender in your kill file to avoid wasting more time. >YOU WILL ALSO LEARN > >* What to do while getting a table dance to get a dancer > interested in you sexually CROW: Lose 50 pounds, get a new wardrobe, get some manners, learn to treat women with respect.... MIKE: Okay, Crow, we get the idea. >* What to do and what to say when a dancer sits at your table TOM SERVO: Just look at your lap and say: "I got a seat for you, honey...." CROW: And she'll tell you that costs extra. >* The best times to arrive at a topless club that increases > your chances to score with the dancers MIKE: How about when hell freezes over? >* How to use your waitress to meet topless dancers TOM SERVO: Sure, you're trying to use every other woman in the place, why not use them too? CROW: Why not try hitting on the waitresses? MIKE: Because a woman has no value unless she's beautiful, and you can't tell how beautiful a woman is until you see her breasts. CROW: Ahhhh... >* Guaranteed methods on how to get dancers to go home with > you TOM SERVO: How about handcuffs and duct tape? MIKE: I wouldn't put that past this guy. >* How to be the "life of the party" and have the dancers > crawling at your feet, offering you free table dances and > fringe benefits CROW [as loser]: A 401K and a dental plan for *me*? Aw, honey, you shouldn't have... >* How to dress when going to topless clubs that makes you > irresistible to the dancers MIKE: Wear nothing but a spangled G-string! Hey, if it works for the dancers, why not give it a try? >* How to pick up topless dancers in the parking lot at > closing time CROW: Yeah, approach a woman late at night in a parking lot... they *love* that! TOM SERVO: Especially if you look like you've got handcuffs and duct tape. >* How to use your camera to pick up & photograph totally nude > dancers TOM SERVO: Apparently not even the backstage dressing room is safe from drooling perverts with cameras. MIKE: He could be talking about those private rooms where the dancers take everything off for a paying customer. [clears throat] But I wouldn't really know, I just heard that somewhere.... CROW: Maybe he's talking about getting a job with National Geographic? They take pictures of African tribal dances all the time. >* How to score with touring feature dancers and porno stars MIKE: Oh, sure, put some moves on the girls who *really* know how to keep the lowlifes at bay.... >* All this and much, much more! CROW [as announcer]: How much would you pay for snake oil like this? But wait, there's more! >There's never been a better time to pick up topless dancers. MIKE: Than when? TOM SERVO: Right now! MIKE: Now? TOM SERVO: Nope, you missed it. MIKE: Damn. >There are more hot & sexy young girls than ever before in the >topless clubs TOM SERVO: Well, maybe if these women could get paid decently for "regular jobs".... > and it's time you had your share of these fun- >loving, warm and willing women. MIKE: What are they, government entitlements all of a sudden? >TIPS TO SAVE YOU MONEY CROW: Tip #1: Stop going to topless bars and get your porn on the Internet like everybody else! >* When to say "no" to a table dance. These tips will save you > a lot of wasted time and money TOM SERVO: Of course, not buying this book would also work. >* What to do if a dancer gives you a phony telephone number MIKE: Keep badgering the old people who answer the phone until they admit that they *do* know who Luscious Lisa is! >* Where to get discount coupons for free admission (this > alone can save you anywhere from $5 to $20) CROW: 'Cause there's nothing women love more than cheap guys! >* Which topless dancers to completely avoid...you will get > absolutely nowhere with these girls MIKE: That would be, what, 99% of them? TOM SERVO: Oh, at LEAST. >* What to say to turn down a table dance that won't offend > her and she will actually respect you for what you say CROW: Make sure she respects you so that you can treat her like dirt. >* Secrets to save you money on your bar tab and avoid getting > ripped off! TOM SERVO: But if you've bought this book, it's too late for that! >* How to turn down a table dance that makes her yearn to be > with you CROW: How to parse a sentence that makes no friggin' sense.... >* Learn what to say to avoid the "one drink minimum rule" at > some topless clubs MIKE [drunkenly]: Don't worry, I always have at least twelve anyway.... >FREE BONUS REPORT TOM SERVO: Today's extra credit assignment, class: write a report on why the writer of this spam should be shoved in front of a speeding train. Give three specific examples. >If you order within the next 30 days, CROW: I pity you deeply. > I'll send you my free >report, "How to Make Love to Topless Dancers." ALL: [snicker loudly] MIKE: I'm sorry, but if you need THAT kind of help, you're beyond all hope. > Drive topless >dancers wild with irresistible new techniques for foreplay >and intercourse. TOM SERVO: You'll learn how to get your rocks off and fall asleep faster than ever before! > She will literally beg to have you inside >her! CROW: Oh, this is just SO wrong.... >TRY IT RISK FREE FOR 365 DAYS TOM SERVO: ... or a year, whichever comes first. >We're so confident that you'll like, "How to Pick Up Topless >Dancers" we're willing to back it up ALL: [making that "backing up" beeping noise] > with a full 365 day >guarantee. Try it for one full year to score with topless >dancers. CROW [as writer]: Go ahead... take the book down to Kinko's, copy all the good parts and then send it back! > Then if you're not meeting, seducing, and making >love to topless dancers, return the book in good condition to >us for a full refund. MIKE [as company rep]: Sorry, this book's been opened. It's not in good condition anymore. >Don't wait any longer! Order, "How to Pick Up Topless >Dancers" today and find out how easy it will be to meet, >date, and make love to the kind of girls you've only been >able to dream and fantasize about in the past! CROW: Which, in most cases, would mean all of them. > These warm & >willing girls are ready to fulfill your every desire when you >are... TOM SERVO: Will they paint my house? > and the sexual adventure begins when you send in your >order. GO FOR IT! Find out "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers" >NOW! MIKE: Thanks, but I think this ad told me more than enough already. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >ORDER FORM > >To order, "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers" - Item# 002, >please enclose $16.95 plus $2.00 for shipping and handling. >You can print this order form to send your order. TOM SERVO [sarcastically]: Oh, *MAY* I? >Name________________________________________________________ > >Address: (street)___________________________________________ > >City______________________________State_____Zip_____________ > >Telephone:( ) _____-_________ (in case there's a question > about your order) CROW [as company rep]: Hello? We have a question about your order. Are you gullible or just plain stupid? >CREDIT CARD ORDERS > >To charge your purchase, please check> ___Visa ___MasterCard >___American Express > >Credit Card No.____________________Expiration Date__________ > >Card Holder's Name (please print):__________________________ > >Card Holder's Signature:____________________________________ TOM SERVO: I wonder how many guys tried to sign their screen when this scrolled by? >* FOR FASTER SERVICE USE OUR CHARGE-BY-PHONE SERVICE using > your Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. Just call > (713) 488-6866 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (Order Item# > 002 "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers") > > MAIL THIS ORDER FORM TO: Gemini Publishing Company, 14010 El > Camino Real, Suite 133, Houston, TX 77062. Thank you for > your order. MIKE: And thank *you* for promoting a book that would make any sexual predator proud! > P.S. - For foreign orders please enclose an extra $5.00 to > ship your order airmail CROW: How much to ship it to the edge of the universe? No, skip it. I don't want to know. MIKE: Let's get out of here, guys.... [They exit the theater.] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL] [Tom and Crow are sitting at the control panel with half-full shot glasses in front of them. They are looking off to the left where Mike is standing with an unusually dressed Gypsy. The top half of her rubber tube has been stripped away, and the exposed metal strut underneath has two glittery tassels glued to where her nipples might be. She's also wearing a sparkly pair of very small panties. Tom and Crow are howling and wolf-whistling at the sight of her.] GYPSY [angrily]: This is the most embarrassing thing you guys have *ever* made me do! MIKE: Come on Gypsy, don't be shy! *Lots* of girls do this all the time! GYPSY [still angry]: Is that so?! Well *I* don't! [Mike puts his arm around Gypsy while Tom and Crow peer around him so they can keep watching Gypsy.] MIKE: Listen, Gypsy, this is the only way we can find out if any of those "proven techniques" we read about in the theater actually work! We can't call the guy who wrote this stuff a fraud without trying out his ideas, right? That's why we need you to be our topless dancer! GYPSY [sarcastically]: Lucky me. Mike, I don't even know how to *dance*! [Mike turns to wink at the bots.] MIKE: Hear that, guys? She's an amateur! You know what that means, right? TOM SERVO: Sure do, Mike! That means... MIKE, CROW & TOM [cheering]: ...iiiiiiiiiiiit's *AMATEUR NIGHT*!!! [As Mike, Tom and Crow hoot and holler like fraternity boys and Gypsy hangs her head in embarrassment, spotlights drop from the ceiling to shine on Gypsy, a rotating disco ball also drops into place, and Magic Voice, who has been reprogrammed to sound like a sleazy male announcer, begins to speak.] MAGIC VOICE: ALL RIGHT! All you guys having a good time out there? Well, have I got a treat for you! We've got a first-time dancer up on our stage, one I'm sure you're all going to love! Please give a warm Satellite of Love welcome to our very own lovely and talented... GYPSY!!! [As "Bwow-chicka-wocka-chicka" music starts to play, Mike, Crow and Tom watch Gypsy as she stands completely still, glaring at them.] MIKE: Well? GYPSY [angrily]: Well what?! MIKE: Well, don't just stand there! Come on, Gypsy, shake your booty! GYPSY [furiously]: Mike, I don't have a booty, and this is completely SICK! TOM SERVO: Come on, Gyps, don't be like that! You know we wouldn't ask you to do this for us if we didn't really like you and respect you and stuff! [Gypsy growls (Marge Simpson style) at this.] CROW: Yeah, and it's not like there's anyone else that we could ask! MIKE [wheedling]: Come on, Gypsy... don't back out on us now! Pleeeeease? [Pause] GYPSY: *sigh* Oh, all right! I'll do it. But you owe me *big time* for this, Nelson! [Mike, Tom and Crow start cheering and whistling as Gypsy starts to wiggle around, sort of in time to the music. She's obviously not very into it.] MIKE: Okay guys, start using those pickup lines! CROW: Hey Gypsy, how long have you been dancing here? [GYPSY stops to stare at Crow in disbelief before answering.] GYPSY: About 5.83412 seconds. CROW: Oh yeah. I knew that. TOM SERVO: Where are you from? GYPSY: Right here on the Satellite, you imbecile! MIKE: What made you decide to go into dancing? GYPSY: YOU DID!!! CROW: How long do you plan on working as a topless dancer? GYPSY: Not much longer! TOM SERVO: Have you got any children? How old are they? [Gypsy opens her mouth to answer, then just shakes her head in disgust.] MIKE: Do you have any hobbies? GYPSY: No, Mike, I don't! And do you know why? Because when I'm not maintaining the ship and cleaning up all of your messes, I'm busy being a guinea pig in stupid, humiliating experiments like *this* one! [After an awkward pause...] MIKE [to Crow and Tom]: Guys, this isn't working. I don't think the guy who wrote that stuff ever thought it'd get used on someone like Gypsy. We're gonna have to wing it a little and try some different lines. [Mike, Crow and Tom all turn to Gypsy.] CROW: Say, honey, are those things real? TOM SERVO: Aren't all these people so phony? MIKE: That's a nice G-string, but it'll look even better on my bedroom floor tomorrow! CROW: Are all these questions getting on your nerves? TOM SERVO: Are you a maniac who's dancing like she's never danced before? MIKE: Come on, baby, do you do more than dance? [Gypsy just glares at them.] GYPSY [frustrated]: Are you done yet? Can I go?! CROW [leans over to Mike and mutters]: Mike, I think we're striking out here.... MIKE: Don't worry, guys. We've still got a chance. I've been saving the best for last.... [Mike pulls a dollar bill out of a pocket of his jumpsuit and shows it to Tom and Crow.] I'll bet if I give her a tip she'll loosen up a bit! Now I don't have a lottery ticket, but this ticket stub from an old Cheap Trick concert should work just as well.... [Mike folds the dollar bill around the ticket stub and then puts the dollar into Gypsy's panties. Then he looks expectantly at Gypsy.] GYPSY [frustrated]: What?! MIKE: Aren't you going to kiss me? GYPSY: Oh, for crying out loud... WHY?!? MIKE: Because I just gave you a tip! And the ad in the theater said that after I give you a tip you're supposed to kiss me! GYPSY: Mike, that dollar bill had *Tom's* picture on it! TOM SERVO: Hey, that's gonna be valuable some day! Count on it! MIKE: Come on, Gypsy... I gave you a tip and now you have to give me a kiss! That's the rules! GYPSY [furious]: Is that so?! Well, let me tell you what you can do with your rules! You can just... [Gypsy trails off, then pauses for a moment.] GYPSY [deviously]: All right, Mike... why don't you lean over a little closer so I can give you that kiss? CROW: Woo hoo! Go Mike! TOM SERVO: I didn't know you had it in you, you sly dog! MIKE: See guys? The old Nelson charm gets 'em every time! [Mike leans towards Gypsy from the center of the control panel with his lips puckered up.] GYPSY [deviously]: A little closer... [Mike now leans way over towards Gypsy, his upper body now almost horizontal. That's when Gypsy opens her mouth wide and bites down hard on Mike's upper torso, completely engulfing his head, neck and shoulders. Mike gives a muffled cry of surprise and pain as Gypsy wrestles him to the floor behind the control panel. Crow and Tom scream and flee in panic while Mike's body (which now looks suspiciously like a life-sized stuffed doll) flops helplessly from Gypsy's mouth as she slams him to the floor over and over again. The beating continues as the commercial sign light goes completely ignored, lasting through the logo shot that signals the cut to...] [Commercials.] [Theater] [Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike is limping and moving slowly.] CROW: You okay, Mike? MIKE: Ow! Not really. [Mike sits down gingerly as the bots take their seats.] MIKE: Guys, let me give you some free advice... never, *ever* get Gypsy angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. > FIRST 10 STEPS TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN MIKE: First, we admit that we are powerless over young women.... TOM: That's *twelve* steps, Mike. > 1. Get informed on subjects young women care about: Clothes, > college, movies, travel, music, concerts, etc. CROW: Guys with integrity... > Read and > leave Cosmopolitan Magazine on your coffee table. MIKE [as young woman]: Can you believe he reads *Cosmo*?! What a loser! > 2. Trade your station wagon for something that does not refer > to middle age. No Cadilacs, Lincolns or any big car. TOM SERVO: Why? 10 million pimps can't be wrong.... > No > tiny cars either. CROW: Make sure the back seat is big enough for furtive, sleazy sex. > Buy something sporty and something she > would like and be attracted to. MIKE: Make sure she loves you for what you drive, not for who you are. > I used to pick up young > girls like crazy with my 1976 Red Corvette. TOM SERVO: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince even wrote a song about it. CROW [as author]: Thank God the trunk was big enough to hide the bodies! > 3. Don't comb your hair in an intricate, futile attempt to > disguise the lack of it. MIKE: Especially if you're Patrick Stewart. > She will secretly ridicule you. CROW [snickering]: Secretly? Now *that's* optimistic.... > Get a short, casual hair style. TOM SERVO: Girls *never* go for long-haired freaks like Fabio and Adrian Paul! > 4. Shave all facial hair unless you have a lip a mile-wide or > no chin. MIKE: Make sure you get the eyebrows and lashes too. Trust me, they'll laugh at you if you don't. > To her, you're out of it; a leftover hippy or > obviously compensating for thinning hair. TOM SERVO: Of course, that's what you ARE, but... > 5. Stop dressing like, in her words, a dork. CROW: You are a dork if you're taking this advice seriously... just try not to look like it! > As a start, > subscribe to Playboy, MIKE: This way, when you strike out, you have a way to console yourself at home. > GQ, and Esquire Magazines. Also, > read Dick Clark's Guide to Good Grooming. TOM SERVO: In it, you'll learn how to never age another day for the rest of your life! > 6. Do not wear more than $200 worth of jewelry unless you > want to attract gold-diggers. CROW: After all, you don't want to get arrested for propositioning a miner.... MIKE & TOM: (groans) > Let foolish, desperate guys > trying to buy her interest with a Lexus, "win" those > bitches. TOM SERVO: Let me get this straight. It's okay to want a woman only for sex, but a woman who wants a man only for his money is a gold-digging bitch? MIKE: Pretty much, yeah... CROW: I'm starting to think that this guy's got some issues he needs to work through. > 7. Forget about the bars, as a general rule. TOM SERVO: You might meet girls who are just sloshed enough to tell you what they *really* think of you! > If she's there, MIKE: ...then she's as desperate as you are. > she is looking for Mr. Right TOM SERVO: ...or Mr. Goodbar. CROW: Or at least Mr. Good-Enough-For-Tonight. > (a guy three to seven years > older who can marry her) not an older lover. MIKE: What? You mean women are looking for a guy that they can have a meaningful relationship with? What the heck is wrong with them?! > Go to any and > every wedding. CROW: See how many you can get kicked out of! > She'll be there, drinking champagne, easy > to meet, talk with, drink and dance with. MIKE: And she'll be easy to spot in that bridal gown! CROW: See, women *really* go to weddings so they can get picked up by losers. > Don't forget to > hit up on the young women at work also. TOM SERVO: And don't get discouraged if they hit you with a sexual harassment suit. Eventually your persistence will win their hearts! > 8. Join a health spa that's not a pickup spa. MIKE: What should it be... a station wagon spa? > Make friends > with the 30ish guys you like. Hang out. Talk. CROW: And if that doesn't work, try hitting on the girls instead. > Be yourself. TOM SERVO: Wait a second... first they tell you how much you have to change to be "attractive" to younger women, and now they're saying "be yourself"? Make up your mind! > When she and girlfriends show up, easy does it. Don't be > obviously interested in her. Play it cool. MIKE: Use mind games to impress her with your sincerity. > 9. Over eight million are coeds. CROW: Over eight million... *what*? > Get your ass into classes TOM SERVO: Your donkey will appreciate your interest in his education. > she'd be taking: acting, saving the environment, CROW: There's a class for that? > computer > classes, etc. Be all business and she'll get used to you. > Be casual, slow, TOM SERVO: Hmm... nope, too easy. > friendly and helpful. MIKE: Then, once you've got what you want, just toss her away like the slimebucket you really are! > 10. Lastly, decide. Do you really want to keep dating fat, > forever-complaining divorcees with three kids? CROW: Or would you rather *BE* one? > If not, > PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING IMPORTANT INFORMATION ON HOW TO > MEET, ATTRACT, DATE, AND SEDUCE YOUNG WOMEN: TOM SERVO [as announcer]: If you are a veteran over the age of 65, you cannot be turned down! > HOW TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN...FOR MEN OVER 35 MIKE: Isn't that what we've been talking about? TOM SERVO: God, will this ever end? > Do you want to date young women? ALL [as Sally Struthers]: Sure! We *ALL* do! > Most men want to, but most men don't. Why? MIKE: Because they're not shallow, conniving pigs, desperately chasing after their lost youth? > Just about > every guy our age (35-50) feels deep down inside he doesn't > have a chance. TOM SERVO: And you know what? He's RIGHT! > Or, he's learned, the hard way, what works > with women does not work with the younger ones. They're > different, too different. CROW: They're quiet... TOO quiet... MIKE: Well, men ARE from Mars, and all that. > But, if you want to change your life, your sex life and > social life, keep reading. TOM SERVO: But if you think that women deserve respect and honesty, then don't waste your time. > Learn how to find, meet, talk with and date younger > women. The author, R. Don Steele CROW: Ah *hah*! *Finally* we have a name for this force of evil! > explains everything you need > to know, absolutely nothing has been left out in his hot new > ground-breaking book, "HOW TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN: FOR MEN OVER > 35." MIKE: I hear this book was required reading for the male cast of "Thelma and Louise". > HERE'S WHAT YOU LEARN ABOUT YOUNG WOMEN CROW: First of all, they're carbon based. > * Where they are, the ones interested in an older guy. This > information will save you from wasting time, money and > energy looking in all the wrong places, TOM SERVO [singing]: Looking for love in too many faces... > getting shot down MIKE: ... in a blaze of glory. > again and again > > * How to prepare her for seduction. CROW: Honey, get ready... I'm going to seduce you now... > You will learn how to do > the right things TOM SERVO: A Spike Lee joint. > and say the right things, during > conversations and on early dates to lower her resistance > and make her want you to seduce her CROW: The latest in brainwashing techniques makes it possible! > * Courtship principles with young women - what to say, how to > say it, when to say it, what's convincing versus what > smells and sounds like a bunch of bull MIKE: Once you learn how to fake sincerity, the rest is easy. > * First dates she jumps at: Suggest one of Steele's 15 early > get together's and she snaps it up CROW: Like the sewage treatment plant, the sausage factory or your local bus station! > * Where to find the ones interested in dating you. (Hint: not > in most bars). TOM SERVO: Another hint: not on this planet. > Steele gives you 23 of his favorite hunting > grounds. MIKE: And he tells you how to gut and clean your young woman after hunting her down. > * How to conquer 18-24 yr. olds. TOM SERVO: First, make sure your air cover is in place, then send in the tanks! > 34 explicit, detailed > instructions on how to prepare for them: conversation > topics that interest her, car, hair, glasses, attitude, > music, friends CROW: Ways to end a sentence... > * The Eleven Commandments of Courtship - MIKE: Excuse me, R. Don Steele? God's on the phone. He wants to talk to you about infringement of copyright. > All young women, > centerfold-aged girls in particular, TOM SERVO [incredulously]: *Centerfold-aged?!* MIKE: Yup. Somebody out there has *definitely* been making a few too many magazine pages stick together. > insist on certain > things before taking an older lover. CROW: Like proof that you haven't read this book. > Following these prin- > ciples MIKE: This guy has a lot of balls using the word "principles". TOM SERVO: I'm surprised he even knows the word. > in the book guarantees you know when she needs > reassurance, when to assert yourself, and when to ease off. CROW: When to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to run. > And that's only the beginning! This book is crammed full > of techniques, strategies, ideas, methods, concepts. MIKE: Words, sentences, paragraphs! CROW: Nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs! TOM SERVO: Pages, covers and illustrations! > Everything it takes to start dating young women - females who > are exciting, alive, interested, energetic, unjaded, sweet, CROW: ... until you come along and break their innocent, little hearts. > and don't give a shit about women's lib. MIKE: Hmm... feeling a little intimidated, are we? TOM SERVO: And they wonder why some women become lesbians. > Believe me when I tell you MIKE [as writer]: I seriously need psychiatric help. > that these young and hot > little honies can be had by older men like yourself. With the > help of this book you can turn all your fantasies about > making it with young women into reality. CROW: Or you can turn yourself into a cradle-robbing loser who desperately needs to be slapped. > YOU WILL ALSO LEARN TOM SERVO: ... that everything you've heard about women not wanting to be treated like sex objects is just plain *wrong*! > * How to seduce her. Steele's deliberate, calculated strategy MIKE: So much for spontaneity. > starts after the second date TOM SERVO: I'm surprised he wants his readers to wait *that* long. > when seeds for thought get > planted. He tells how to lay down a trail that she must > follow CROW: What is this, Hansel and Gretel all of a sudden? MIKE: Women are, of course, mindless puppets who will do whatever men say. > * What your home must have and can't have. TOM SERVO: Must have: A toilet seat in the down position. MIKE: Don't bother with this part if your home is a refrigerator box. > Careful > preparation ensures the rhythm of seduction does not get > destroyed CROW: After all, your timing might get thrown off a little if your wife shows up. > * The competition. Understanding who they are, their motives, > their methods, MIKE: ... their alibis, their distinguishing marks, their accomplices... > from 16 to 65. When and how to compete, so > she chooses you TOM SERVO: Treat her like a trophy to be won in a competition! She'll love that. > * The Ten Commandments of Meeting. MIKE: Learn how to conduct your meetings the Charlton Heston way! > Thorough explanations of > conversation starter vs. opening lines, how to begin and > end first conversations, TOM SERVO: You'll find winning openers like "What is your real name?", "How long have you been dancing here?" and "Are you attracted to other women?". > forbidden topics, and must topics > to use in your conversations that are guaranteed to get her > interested in you CROW: Make sure to dominate the conversation and complain about your last ex-girlfriend as much as you can. That gets 'em every time! > * The 67 taboo articles of clothing that will hurt your > chances of attracting young women. TOM SERVO: You'll learn that the safest thing to do is just wear nothing at all! > Steele gives you advice > on how to dress correctly to make a big, lasting impression > on her MIKE: For example, wearing a bra and panties is probably a bad idea. Unless your name is Marv Albert. > * How and where to approach young girls - CROW: If he says anything about a school playground, I am *leaving*! > Meet her so you can > talk with her long enough to peak her interest. TOM SERVO: You know, I get really piqued when I see that word spelled wrong. > Knowing the > right time and the right place prevents the brushoff MIKE: Catch her in an elevator so she'll be forced to talk to you! > READ WHAT OTHERS SAY TOM SERVO: Oh, I *wish* I could read something else... *anything* but this! > "Solid, realistic, practical, and entertaining" - Playboy > Magazine CROW: That's how they described this month's Playmate. > "Steele is hard-headedly practical. He's worked out as > surefire a method as you'll find for bridging the sexual > generation gap" - Michael Perkins, Screw Magazine TOM SERVO: Screw Magazine, huh? Sounds like a reputable publication. > "Steele pulls no punches CROW: And neither do any of the women he tries to pick up. > as he explains how to attract the > young, from dress codes to actions. The honest approaches and > advice are unusually solid and explicit. Everything from sex > and the young woman to analyses of her value system and > psyche with step-by-step scenarios" - Diane Conovan, The > Chicago Tribune MIKE: Oh, Diane... how could you?! I expected as much from the Screw Magazine guy, but how could you betray your own gender like this? > MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE CROW: We guarantee that after you read this book, you will want your money back. > We are so sure this book will work for you, it carries a > full one year money-back guarantee. If you are not satisfied, > just send it back. TOM SERVO: Or just throw it in any trash can. Eventually it'll get to where it needs to go. > CHANGE YOUR LIFE! MIKE: Learn how to unlock your inner mind with DIANETICS! > Order "HOW TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN...FOR MEN OVER 35" today > and soon you will have your own live Centerfold! CROW: Complete with a staple through her navel! > Thousands of > older men using this book are dating young women. Don't miss > out! TOM SERVO: You know, guys, it's times like this that I wish I could read a Ratliff story to ease the pain. CROW: Mike, did you hear that? MIKE: Sure did, Crow. [picks up Tom and gets up] Come on, buddy, we'd better get you out of here. Crow! You know what to do, right? CROW: Yup. I'm on it! [Crow rushes out of the theater with Mike carrying Tom out behind him.] TOM SERVO: Wait! Guys! All I said was... [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL] [Mike, Crow and Tom are standing in their usual places at the control panel. Tom is wearing a bot-sized straitjacket.] MIKE: Now Tom, you realize that this is for your own good, right? CROW: Don't feel bad, Tom. That experiment was rough on everybody! It's not your fault that you *completely* lost your marbles at the very end! MIKE [shocked]: Crow! CROW [looks at Mike]: What? It's true! TOM SERVO: Look, you guys don't understand! [Tom struggles briefly with the straitjacket then relaxes.] What we just saw in there was *worse* than any Ratliff story! MIKE: Uh huh. That's nice, Tom. [leans over to Crow and stage whispers] Is the sedative ready? CROW [stage whispering]: Not yet. Gypsy's preparing it now. TOM SERVO: I'm serious! There are *lots* of reasons why Ratliff's writings are better than what Pearl just forced on us! Just give me a chance and I'll prove it to you! MIKE: [stage whispering to Crow] We're just going to have to humor him until the sedative arrives.... [to Tom, sympathetically] Okay, Tom, why don't you just go on with your little story? I can see that it must be very important to you.... TOM SERVO: *sigh* All right, I'll grant you that Ratliff's stories are no walk in the park. But one thing that helps you to get through them is that they're not written very clearly. MIKE & CROW [staring at Tom]: Huh?! TOM SERVO: Try to follow me on this. We all know that so many ridiculous, painful absurdities get written into every Ratliff story we get. But it eases the pain a little if you can get yourself to believe, even for one little second, that whatever unbelievably wrong thing you just read in the latest Marrissa chronicle must have been just a typo. It's a thin mental defense, but it's better than none at all. CROW: Okay... TOM SERVO: Sadly, this mental defense gets harder and harder to use as Ratliff's spellcheckers and grasp of grammar improves. MIKE: Or as he finds better proofreaders. TOM SERVO: Whatever. CROW: So what does that have to do what we just sat through? TOM SERVO: Think about it. We just saw three disgusting pieces of spam that just spewed sexism and misogynistic attitude all over the place... and they were written in *near-perfect English*! There was no way you could tell yourself that you must have read them wrong! You *knew* that you were reading his crap correctly! MIKE: Okay, but that doesn't mean that... TOM SERVO: Wait a second, Mike. Let me ask you something. Can you picture the events described in the Marrissa stories ever *really* taking place? Do they seem even *remotely* possible to you? MIKE: Hmm... well, we have seen some pretty weird aliens out here, maybe one of them would... hmm... no, you're right. Just can't see it happening. TOM SERVO: Okay. Now picture the suggestions described in R. Don Steele's ads. Now you *know* that *someone* somewhere in some seedy section of town had to have thought that some of his ideas were pretty good ones and decided to try them out on some girl he's had his eye on. Who knows? If he picked a girl that was naive and lonely enough, maybe he even got what he was after. CROW: Instead of the kick in the nuts that he deserved. TOM SERVO: Right. So doesn't what we just saw in the theater seem a lot more *believable* than anything Ratliff has written? MIKE: Hmm... have to admit, you've got a point there, Tommy. TOM SERVO: Now think about this. Remember "Away From Home, Part 3"? CROW: I wish I could forget. TOM SERVO: Okay. According to Stephen Ratliff in that story, what happens when you try to pick up a young girl, Marrissa in this case, in a sleazy way? CROW: You get pushed into a pool. MIKE: And rightfully so. TOM SERVO: Right! Now what happens according to R. Don Steele when you try to pick up a young girl in a sleazy way? Crow, you've got electronic memory, why don't you quote from the middle of the last ad we watched? CROW: Well, he said you'd get "young and hot little honies [sic]" who were "exciting, alive, interested, energetic, unjaded, sweet and don't give a shit about women's lib." My God... Servo, you're right! TOM SERVO: Now this is the clincher. You read the same ads that I did. You saw how this R. Don Steele guy made "Men Behaving Badly" look considerate and sensitive by comparison. You saw how he tried to set back relations between the sexes by about 100 years. You saw how he advocated date rape. You saw how he tried to goad men into making this world a much more unpleasant place for women to live in. MIKE: Yes... TOM SERVO: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you this. Don't you agree that this guy just plain *deserves* to be given the title of Worse Than Ratliff? [pause] MIKE: Tom, either you've got a really strong case there or I'm ready to join you in that straitjacket. CROW: I'm sorry I doubted you, Tom. TOM SERVO: That's okay. Now that that's settled, could you get me out of this straitjacket please? I'm chafing like a bear in this thing! [Tom squirms from side to side in a futile effort to free himself as the Mads light turns on.] MIKE: Sure. Just let me get this first... [Mike hits the Mads light. Then Mike and the bots all stare forward in shock as their mouths drop open in unison.] TOM SERVO [shakenly]: Mike... leave it on. I think I'm gonna need it. [They continue to stare as Gypsy arrives. She's wearing a nurse's hat and carrying a syringe that contains the sedative. Mike takes the syringe, gives himself a dose of the sedative and then collapes behind the control panel. Tom starts to quiver as the camera cuts to...] [Pearl's van] [Pearl is standing in the back area of the van. She has her back to the camera, mainly because she is wearing nothing from the waist up and only a glittery pair of panties from the waist down. She is dancing sensuously to the rhythm of some 70's era "bucka-chicka-wow" music while Professor Bobo sits at the back of the van watching her. Bobo is making apelike noises and gestures of appreciation. Observer is sitting in the passenger seat looking very worried. He suddenly notices the camera.] OBSERVER: Oh, thank *goodness* you're here! I hope you're not angry about that little trick with the phone psychic ad and all. I think I need your help. You see, Pearl was watching you while you were reading about topless dancers and all the silly things that men will do to try to get their attention. And then, all of a sudden, she put the van on autopilot and said something about wanting to indulge some "personal fantasies" of hers, and... well, you can see for yourself what happened next! I don't mind telling you, my little artificially intelligent friends, that this is a very *disturbing* reminder of why my species gave up reproduction in the first place! In fact, I don't think I've *ever* seen such a disgusting... display... of... [Observer trails off as he turns to look at Pearl's gyrations and starts to stare at her. Then he snaps out of it and turns back to the camera.] OBSERVER: Oh no... now it's starting to affect *me*! Listen, you've got to help me put a stop to all this! I've tried to reason with them, but I think their hormones are dominating their higher brain functions! Wait a minute... what are they doing now? [Bobo tucks a banana peel into Pearl's panties and then slaps his upper thigh expectantly. Observer mercifully blocks the camera view as Pearl walks seductively over to Bobo.] OBSERVER: [facing away from the camera] Oh no! Not that! *Anything* but that! [faces the camera with a look of abject horror on his face] *IT'S A LAP DANCE*!!! [Fade to MST3K logo and credits.] My thanks go out to: Catherine Johnson, for providing great lines and a vital female perspective for this MSTing. Jennifer Thomas, for her comments and feedback. Mighty Taco, for putting a hilarious phone psychic spoof in a local radio ad (which I cribbed from a little for the opening host segment). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- >4. "Don't you get tired of all these horny men with their brain >between their legs?"