From V335RY46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu Tue Aug 20 18:54:01 1996 Return-Path: V335RY46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu Received: from ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu [128.205.100.3]) by neylonpc.engin.umich.edu (8.6.12/8.6.9) with ESMTP id SAA05180 for ; Tue, 20 Aug 1996 18:53:57 -0400 Received: from ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu by ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (PMDF V5.0-5 #13849) id <01I8ICBGWXOG8XKKGJ@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu> for mneylon@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu; Tue, 20 Aug 1996 18:54:12 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 20 Aug 1996 18:54:10 -0500 (EST) From: JAREK Subject: MST'ed: The New Zoo (final version, please archive in your web site) To: mneylon@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu Message-id: <01I8ICBH0VWI8XKKGJ@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu> Organization: University at Buffalo X-VMS-To: IN%"mneylon@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu" MIME-version: 1.0 Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Status: RO Well, here it is. This is the second MSTing that I've written, and the first time that I've written host segments to go along with it, so I'd really appreciate receiving feedback on this one, positive or negative. One thing I wanted to say before the MSTing starts: the description of the Uni-Bot in the opening host segment may be confusing, though I tried to describe it as best I could. It's easier to express as a pencil sketch than as a text description. I don't even think an ASCII drawing could convey it very well. In any case, if it gets too confusing, the first two sentences of the description sum up all the most essential information... This experiment takes place after episode 705 (Escape 2000), but before 706 (Laserblast), sidestepping the need to get everyone back to corporeal form. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Opening credits] [SOL] [The bridge is empty, except for Mike.] MIKE: Oh, hi everyone! I'm Mike Nelson, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I was just waiting for Crow, Tom and Gypsy to get here. They said they were putting their heads together for some project, but I have *no* idea what they were... [The Uni-Bot enters quickly from stage left, as though to surprise Mike. It is a robot that is constructed from the pieces of Crow, Tom Servo and Gypsy. The head is formed from Crow's soapdish face and ping-pong ball eyes, with Crow's plastic bowling pin halves attached behind his head like rabbit ears. Tom's barrel torso provides the neck for the Uni-Bot, while the Uni-Bot's torso is formed by Gypsy's head, tilted so that what is usually the top of Gypsy's head faces forward. Tom's hoverskirt is attached to the upper portion of the torso. The inside of the bowl faces out, and Tom's globe head is attached inside the bowl so that it looks like a big plastic headlight. Light shines inside the globe from Gypsy's flashlight. Crow's lacrosse helmet facemask is attached to the lower portion of the Uni-Bot's torso, looking somewhat like a grille. Tom's arms are attached to the sides of the upper torso, while Crow's arms are attached to the sides of the lower torso. One half of Crow's chest has been attached to the bottom of the Uni-Bot's torso, with the lip of the Tupperware bowl facing upwards. Crow's conical vase base has been attached to the bottom of this bowl with the wide end facing upwards, and the narrow end of the vase has Crow's other Tupperware bowl attached to it, with the lip facing downwards. Crow's legs are attached to the bottom bowl.] [When the Uni-Bot speaks, it sounds like Crow, Tom Servo and Gypsy speaking simultaneously. The light on the front also flashes when it speaks.] UNI-BOT: HI MIKE!!! MIKE [startled, backs up a bit]: AAAaah! What the hell?! UNI-BOT: So, whaddya think? MIKE: What do I think of... who or what the hell *are* you?! UNI-BOT: It's us, Mike! Crow, Tom and Gypsy! We've made ourselves into a single robot, and combined our knowledge and abilities into a unified whole! Pretty impressive, huh? It's three, three, three bots in one! MIKE: Um, don't get me wrong... that's great and all, but... why? UNI-BOT: Oh, come on, Mike... everybody's doing it! Transformers, Voltron, Tuvok and Neelix... why even those lame Power Rangers can join themselves together to fight guys in rubber suits! So why can't we? MIKE: But you guys were never designed to be joined together! Isn't this kinda like tampering in God's domain? UNI-BOT: Sure, Mike, but when has that ever stopped us before? MIKE: Hmm. Good point. But how did you *do* it? I can't even begin to imagine how your inoperable little arms could... UNI-BOT: Oh, you'd be surprised what we can do in a little time off-camera. But that's not important now! All that matters now is that we've joined forces to become a better robot than any of us could ever be separately! We can pilot the ship, *and* make witty wisecracks at crappy films! We can bring home the bacon, *and* fry it up in a pan! United we stand, divided we fall! [singing] Be all that you can be... MIKE: Hey, listen, I'm glad you're happy and all... but who's gonna run the higher functions of the ship while you're helping me with the experiments? And vice versa? UNI-BOT: Well... hmm... is that important? MIKE: Of course it's important! I need somebody in the theater with me while the movie's running, *and* somebody out here keeping the ship in one piece at the same time! How are you guys going to do that when you're all smooshed together into one bot? UNI-BOT: Um... oops. MIKE: Yeah, "oops" is right! Listen, get yourselves separated, the Mads are gonna be calling any minute! You *can* get yourselves separated, right? UNI-BOT: Yeah, sure, no problem! It's real simple when they do it on TV... MIKE: Well, hurry up, we got commercial sign already... [Commercials. Fast-forward past "comedian" Chris Rock explaining how much damage he would do if he were Vice-President. Fast-forward past Don Rickles insulting viewers in order to get higher ratings. Fast-forward past 227 promos of Dr. Katz in a row.] [SOL] [The robots have separated, but they are not quite back to their former selves yet. Gypsy's flashlight eye has been replaced by Tom Servo's globe, with Crow's lacrosse face mask over the globe as a covering. Light shines inside the gumball globe. Tom Servo's head has been replaced by Crow's bowling-pin beak standing narrow side up, with Crow's soapdish head and eyes fitted at the top of the pin. Crow's head has been replaced by Gypsy's flashlight eye, and it blinks when Crow talks.] CROW: Mike, this isn't working! TOM SERVO: I can't stop thinking about orbit vectors, heat shields and Richard Basehart! Make it stop! Make it *stop*!!! GYPSY: I'm the wind, baby! MIKE: Oh boy, this is gonna take longer than I thought... great, and now the Mads are calling! Quick, Cambot, call up the original blueprints for Crow, Servo and Gypsy, and put them on my screen! At least these pinheads didn't tinker with you... [Deep 13] DR. FORRESTER: Hello Mike and the Mechanicals! And how are we feeling today, hm? Good? Well, we'll soon fix that! I see your Robot Jox are trying to become more than the sum of their parts again. Well, separately or all together, I can take you! C'mon, you want a piece of me?! Huh? [Dr. F. starts pumping his fists and dancing around like a boxer.] [SOL] [Close up on Mike] MIKE: Looks like C.F's having another one of his episodes... [Pull back to show that Crow, Tom and Gypsy have been rebuilt. They now look like they did back in the KTMA years.] CROW: Hey, Mike, are you sure you did this right? SERVO [Josh Weinstein voice]: I think you pulled our records from a little *too* far back... GYPSY: I've got holes in my face! MIKE: Great, jump all over me... how was I supposed to know you guys had changed so much? Most robots go through their whole lives without major renovations! (Sigh) All right, Cambot, pull up the most recent revision of the same three robots' design, put it up on my screen, and help me clean up this mess! Maintenance-free, my ass! [Deep 13] [Dr. Forrester's still doing his shadow boxing routine.] DR. FORRESTER: C'mon, I can take you! Think you're so tough?! I'll rip your... [Now he starts to calm down and begins smoothing and straightening out his lab coat.] Ahem. Sorry. Hey, what's taking you guys so long up there? Shouldn't be too hard to fix those bots up... it's nothing a good plastic surgeon couldn't handle! Hee hee hee hee! You get it? Ha ha ha! *Plastic* surgeon, 'cause your bots are all made out of... hey, what's the matter?! That was funny! Why aren't you laughing? *Laugh*, damn you!!! [SOL] [Now the robots are all back to normal.] MIKE: Wow, just try to keep up with *those* mood swings... anyway, you guys should be back to your usual selves again... CROW: And *staying* that way, thank you very much! TOM SERVO: You know, you may *think* you know a bot pretty well after being trapped in a satellite with him for nearly eight years... but then you merge your memory chips with his and you find out what kind of sick, twisted, unnatural thoughts lie underneath that familiar exterior... it's really kinda creepy! CROW: Hey, your mental playground's not exactly filled with G-rated, wholesome family-oriented fun either, Tommy! GYPSY: Tom? Crow? CROW: Yes, Gypsy? GYPSY: I think I finally get you guys... but if either one of you *EVER* gets near *ME* with a bowlful of bean dip, a chainmail bikini and a cat-o'- nine-tails, I'm gonna scream *RAPE*!!! MIKE: Hey, C.F.? I think we've still got a few issues to work out up here... any chance of holding off on that experiment? [Deep 13] DR. FORRESTER: Nuh-uh-uh, sorry guys! You don't get any slack from me for inflicting psychological trauma on yourselves... my job is to bring you more! Which brings us to today's experiment... it's called "The New Zoo," by Scott Hammack, and it makes Jurassic Park look like... well, like a well-crafted best- seller. And the main characters' pre-pubescent antics will really bring you back to those glory days of junior high school... especially those field trips to the zoo... which I never got to go on... [Dr. F. breaks down and cries.] Oh, why, mommy, why couldn't I get to see those innocent, helpless animals pining and pacing away inside their restrictive cages, waiting for the mercy of death or a fanatical, lock-picking animal rights activist to release them?! You *NEVER* let me do *ANYTHING* fun!!! [Dr. F. lies down on the floor, pounding his fists, thrashing his legs and bawling his eyes out in a full-fledged temper tantrum.] [Pearl Forrester enters at this point. She kneels down on the floor and comforts Dr. F., rocking him gently.] MRS. FORRESTER: Oh, there, there, Clayton, you know mommy was only doing what's best for her little boy! What kind of mother would I be if I let those extra-curricular activities distract you? You might have stopped studying science and learned to fit in better with the other children, and then where would you be? [Turns her face to the camera] You'll have to excuse Clayton, he always gets a little cranky when it's past his bedtime. [Turns back to Dr. F.] Tell you what, Clayton... let's go down to the animal lab and take a look at the cross-breeding experiments! There's been some wonderful results with the gene splicings of the cat and the alligator! And after that, we can check on the subjects for those toxicity tests that Dow Chemical contracted out to us! You'd like that, wouldn't you? [Dr. F. nods his head] And after that, I can tuck you in and read you your favorite bedtime story... The Hot Zone, by Richard Preston! Men, women, children and monkeys turned into viscous goo by Level 4 infective bioagents! Stephen King said it was one of the most horrible things he'd ever read... how does that sound? [Dr. F. smiles and puts his head on Mrs. F.'s shoulder.] Okay. I'll just start your experiment, and then we can go... DR. FORRESTER: Don't forget the short, mom! MRS. FORRESTER: Of course not dear, I'll send that too... [pushes the button] [SOL] TOM SERVO [pleading]: Gypsy, it's perfectly healthy to have these fantasies from time to time... [Buzzers buzz, sirens flash, and pandemonium erupts.] MIKE: Save the group therapy session for later, guys, WE GOT USENET SIGN!!! [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [Inside the theater] TOM SERVO: Guess I'm never going to get that date with her now... Path: acsu.buffalo.edu!news.acsu.buffalo.edu!dsinc!spool.mu.edu! howland.reston.ans.net!news-e2a.gnn.com!newstf01.news.aol.com! newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: wwoj1965a@aol.com (WWOJ 1965a) MIKE [DJ voice]: WWOJ Radio, 1965 on your AM dial. All O.J., all the time. CROW: Didn't the entire American mass media go through that phase? TOM SERVO: Well, Comedy Central just said "N-O.J." MIKE: Oh, you mean the network that played "Kato's Home" to the tune of "The Banana Boat Song"? TOM SERVO: Point taken. Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: IM SICK OF PEOPLE WHO NITPICK ON ID4 CROW: Okay, we'll nitpick *you* then! Feel better now? Date: 9 Jul 1996 23:35:44 -0400 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) TOM SERVO [announcer voice]: America Online! A symbol of quality recognized around the world! CROW: I thought it was more like a warning label. Lines: 18 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <4rv8eg$9sl@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: wwoj1965a@aol.com (WWOJ 1965a) > I am so tired of people who nitpick at every little detail, MIKE [as WWOJ]: Damn editors and proofreaders! I HATE 'EM!!! CROW [as WWOJ]: They wouldn't publish my book... so what if it was written in crayon?! > who can't >just sit back and enjoy a movie, CROW: Hey, some of us have back problems, you know! > who (secrectly wish they could take >credit for it) MIKE: Oh yeah, it really tears me up inside that my name's not listed in the credits for "Plan 9"... CROW: But don't tell anyone. It's a "secrect". > sit there and pull out all it's faults and put it down and >complain about little details, [Tom Servo starts showing signs of frustration here... little sighs, fidgeting in his seat, etc.] MIKE: C'mon, we're not that bad! By the way, you should have left out the apostrophe. > that only a bored asshole CROW: Hey, that's perverted! > who had nothing >better to do than go to this movie 60 times would think of MIKE: Or an intelligent person who saw it once. > and then root >out all the messups. MIKE [Hugh Beaumont voice]: You know, you boys shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you. CROW: Where have I heard that before? [Tom Servo is showing even more signs of repressed frustration. Now he's quaking in his seat, trying to contain it.] > COME ON people ITS FICTION!!!!!!! CROW: Oh, you mean half the Earth's cities *didn't* really get blown up? Wow, I was worried. Thanks for clearing that up! > My God I'd hate to >see your book reviews!! MIKE: Trust me, WWOJ, the reviewers would hate to see your books! > Is there anyone out there who goes to a movie to >WATCH and ENJOY [Tom can't contain his frustration any longer...] TOM SERVO: SHUT UP! *SHUT UP*!!! You think I *LIKE* doing this?! *YOU* try being trapped up in space and being forced to watch really crappy movies, and see how long *YOU* survive without throwing back a quip or two!!! MIKE: Hey, Tom, you okay? TOM SERVO: It just *BUGS* me, that's all! Where does *HE* get off?! MIKE: C'mon, don't take it so personal! Toss in a riff or two, you'll feel better... > not analize and put under a microscope!!!! TOM SERVO: Okay, I'll try... How's this: "Hey, look guys, this Fantasia reel has got bacteria all over it!" MIKE: There you go! That's the Tommy I know and love! > MY GOD! CROW: IT'S FULL OF STARS! > If you >were in the producer/director seat MIKE: ...you'd find out that the saggy part underneath your butt isn't as comfortable as it looks. > you would see how certain details (that >really only someone who is bored enough to sit there and memorize the >entire movie) TOM SERVO: Certain details like not completing a parenthetical phrase? > could and most likely would MAKE A MOVIE BORING!!!!!! CROW: But anyone can see that capital letters and lots of exclamation points MAKE A POST REALLY EXCITING!!!!!! > FACTS >HAVE THAT TENDANCY!!! MIKE: Which is why no facts went into the making of this post. CROW: Except for the startling revelation that ID4 is fiction. > ALL I can say is (if and when) ANY OF YOU >ID4MIST'ers happen to get a movie out I"M GONNA BRING A DAMN VIDEO >RECORDER AND AUDIO RECORDER BUY THE SCRIPTS, INTERVIEW THE ACTORS, >DIRECTORS, PRODUCERS AND ALL OF THEIR RELATIVES! AND THEN SHOVE ALL THE >MISTAKES YOU MADE UP YOUR ASS! MIKE: Well, at least he knows how to keep these little problems in perspective... TOM SERVO: So he's going to handle his hatred of nitpickers by becoming a compulsive nitpicker himself? CROW: Hey Mike, remind me to have Pearl tell the crew on the set of "Earth vs. Soup" to watch for some annoying guy with scripts and tapes in his hands. If they even *think* that it's this guy, I want security to shoot to kill! >GET A LIFE!!!!!!! TOM SERVO: THERE'S SOME GREAT ARTICLES IN THIS MONTH'S ISSUE!!!!!!! MIKE: All right, Tom! Feel better now? TOM SERVO: Much better. Thanks for the support. [Commercials. Fast-forward past a paid mouthpiece from a psychic phone "service", assuring us that the testimonies we are seeing are from real people... *not* actors. Fast-forward past the Polaris watercraft kid with a list of 25 reasons why he should be slapped really hard.] Path: acsu.buffalo.edu!news.acsu.buffalo.edu!dsinc!spool.mu.edu! usenet.eel.ufl.edu!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!usenet2.news.uk.psi.net! uknet!usenet1.news.uk.psi.net!uknet!EU.net!Norway.EU.net!nntp.uio.no! news.cais.net!world1.bawave.com!news2.agis.net!agis!lo From: "The Famous Scott (Hammack)" Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MST this too CROW: And when you're done... MST me! MIKE: And me! TOM SERVO: And me too! CROW: Yes, you must give us all a good MSTing! And after the MSTing... mmph! MIKE [with hand over Crow's mouth]: Let's just leave it at that, shall we? Date: Wed, 03 Jul 1996 15:11:35 -0500 Organization: No organization. MIKE: Looks like the header is trying to warn us about what's coming up... Lines: 402 Message-ID: <31DAD3F7.3141@goldinc.com> In article <31DAD3F7.3141@goldinc.com>, "The Famous Scott (Hammack)" writes: >------------------------------------------------------------- > THE NEW ZOO ALL [singing]: It's The New Zoo Review! Comin' back at you! It's quite an amazing thing... > SCOTT D. HAMMACK TOM SERVO: In his spare time, he likes to tie himself between two trees and get people to lie down on top of him. > 1 > The Guys > > "Okay, what if you could live in Disney World for free, >but you had to eat a live cockroach every day," 10 year old >David "Scooter" Furthenhoffer said. CROW: Then you'd be part of Disney's new Ethiopialand exhibit! > He was small, with brown >hair and brown eyes, and he was skinny. He weighed only 62 >pounds, and most of the kids in his class weighed at least 80. TOM SERVO: Thinking of cockroaches and the RATMM diet plan had ruined his appetite for life... > "Now that's just plain stupid," said Andy Goateen. "I'd >never do that in a million years." CROW [as Andy]: "Disney World bites! And those roach bits always get stuck in my teeth..." > He was normal sized with >light brown hair and brown eyes. He always wore a Marlins hat >backwards. MIKE: Which was a weird thing for a Blue Jays fan to do. > "I'd do it," said Joey Washinpound. He was chunky, with >sandy blond hair and blue eyes. CROW [as Scooter]: "Yeah, I know *you'd* do it, you eat anything! I was asking him!" > He had glasses, but he didn't >wear them unless he wanted to see something. Right now he >wasn't wearing them, because there wasn't anything to see. TOM SERVO [Irish cop voice]: All right, move along, nothing to see here! > "You'd eat large intestines if they put enough ketchup >on them," Scooter said. MIKE [as Scooter]: "Here, try some of mine!" > He was the comedian of the group, but >he was also the brain. TOM SERVO: Which explains the sorry condition of the others on both counts. > "At least I don't wear labcoats," said Joey. CROW: Oooh, good line. Hey Mike, let's use that one next time the Mads call. > "At least I don't look like Rush Limbaugh," said >Scooter. > "If I look like Rush Limbaugh, I must be America!" said >Joey, thinking he had won. MIKE: Joey was too young to understand how badly he had shamed himself just then. TOM SERVO: And America. > "You're as big as America," Scooter said. CROW: Ha ha! Oh, stop with the witty repartee already! > He was playing >Mortal Wombat on his Super Nintendo against Joey. Joey was >winning. TOM SERVO: So... where the heck are these kids anyway? MIKE: Near an electrical outlet. Guess that's all the frame of reference we need... > "Llamallamallamallamallamallamallamallamallamallama..." >Scooter murmured, holding a small rock. MIKE: Scooter summons the spirit of Christine Malcom to aid him in battle. > He put down the rock, >picked up his controller and closed his eyes. > "Oh great!" said Joey. "He's working his weirdness on me >again!" ALL: EWWW!!! CROW: That's a strange euphemism... > Scooter suddenly beat Joey's guy to a pulp and used a >fatality... with his eyes closed! > "How da heck does he do dat?" said Andy, CROW [singing]: I don't know! TOM SERVO [singing]: What makes him so good? > doing a bad >impression of a guy on John & Larry (a popular cartoon >featuring a cat named John who always tried to eat the mouse, >Larry). CROW: I thought the mouse always killed the cat in charmingly sadistic ways? MIKE: Wrong cat and mouse cartoon, Crow. > "Maybe you should see a speech specialist," Scooter >remarked. > "Try saying that three times fast," said Joey, snorting. ALL: "That three times fast" (snort) > "Thatthatthat," said Scooter, really fast. "I'm good." > > > > > 2 > Surprise! > > When Scooter went out to get the mail, he found a >strange envelope. It was marked "SURPRISE!" and it had his >address on it. CROW [as Scooter]: "Hey! Who's this Unabomber guy?" > He opened it and found a note. It said: TOM SERVO: MAKE MONEY FAST! In September 1988, my car was repossessed, the bill collectors were hounding me, and I had maxed out my Circuit City and Visa cards... > You, David Furthenhoffer IV, have been chosen for our prize >package, a free trip to The New Zoo! You can bring 2 friends >if you want. On the day of July 2, 1994 at 3:00 p.m., a >stretch limo will come pick you and your friends up. Just >show the driver the pass that you got with this note, and he >will take you to The New Zoo. MIKE: From there, you'll proceed directly to a fun-filled sleepover at Michael Jackson's mansion... > "July 2nd? That's tomorrow!" Scooter exclaimed. CROW [as Scooter]: "But I've got hormone therapy then!" >"Hmmmmmm, the New Zoo. Never heard of it." TOM SERVO: Wish I could say the same... > He looked in the >envelope and found another note and a pass. He didn't read >the other note yet... MIKE [as Scooter]: "What's this say? 'We can't think of any good reason not to read this note now, but save it until the end of Chapter 4 anyway'? Well, okay..." > * * * > When he went inside, he told Andy and Joey about it. > "I'm going," said Andy. "Me too," said Joey. "You'd take >up the whole limo," Scooter cracked. "Ha! I kill me!" TOM SERVO: Would you? Please?! > "What exactly is this New Zoo?" Joey pondered. ALL: IT'S FAAABULOOOUUUSSS!!! > "Hmmmmmmm, I don't know," said Scooter. "Could it >possibly be a new zoo?" MIKE: Or could it be... SATAN?! > "Well, it can't be an old zoo, that's for sure," said >Andy. "Ya know," said Scooter, "It's kind of dumb to call it >the New Zoo. CROW: Yeah, the name just doesn't measure up to "Scooter", right? > Before long, it'll be old, and then what would >they call it? The Old Zoo can't be too good for business. TOM SERVO [singing]: Meet the New Zoo! Same as the Old Zoo! > Or >how about the Moldy Oldie Zoo? Or maybe the George Burns >Zoo... Speaking of him, I got a new act: Scooter jokes while >George Burns." CROW: How about this, kid... *we* joke while *you* burn! > "Ah, would ya shush?" said Joey. ALL: (applause) TOM SERVO: Finally, a sympathetic character! > Everyone looked at him. >He shrugged. > Everyone looked at him. > "What?" > They stared at him. MIKE: They wondered how he would taste with barbecue sauce... > 3 > The Remote > > It was July 2nd. It was 2:45 a.m. CROW: Reports started coming in about radar-transparent alien ships entering Earth's orbit... TOM SERVO [announcer voice]: Independence Day! With special effects like these, who needs originality? > Scooter, Andy and Joey >sat there biting their nails (except Scooter, who used a nail >clipper). MIKE: Looks like someone couldn't decide whether Scooter was biting his nails or not... TOM SERVO: Maybe he was biting his nail clipper? > Scooter was hard at work on an invention. CROW [as Scooter]: "Well, sirs, *my* invention exchange this week..." > He was >thinking. "Maybe time isn't a continuum! Maybe it's a random >repetition of moments!" TOM SERVO [as Scooter]: And maybe time dilates as you approach the speed of light, such that the square of the time elapsed at rest in a particular frame of reference is equal to the square of the speed of light multiplied by the square of the time elapsed on the object in motion in that frame of reference, all divided by the speed of light squared minus the velocity of the object in motion squared! > It was July 2nd. It was 2:45 a.m. CROW: Reports started coming in... wait, we did this already! > Scooter, Andy and Joey >sat there biting their nails (except Scooter, who used a nail >clipper). Scooter was hard at work on an invention. He was >thinking. "Maybe time isn't a continuum! Maybe it's a random >repetition of moments!" MIKE: It's deja vu all over again! TOM SERVO: Maybe Hammack just discovered the Copy & Paste feature... > When Scooter went out to get the mail, he found a >strange envelope. It was marked "SURPRISE!" and it had his >address on it. He opened it and found a note. MIKE: The note said: "IT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!!" >"Llamallamallamallamallamallamallamallamallamallama..." TOM SERVO: Oh, I get it, now time's looping backwards really fast while Scooter says "A mall"... >Scooter murmured, holding a small rock. He put down the rock, >picked up his controller and closed his eyes. CROW: This is like listening to a CD skip! > "Oh great!" said Joey. "He's working his weirdness on me >again!" Scooter suddenly beat Joey's guy to a pulp MIKE [as Joey]: "Hey, leave my boyfriend alone!" > and used a >fatality... with his eyes closed! > It was July 2nd. It was 2:45 a.m. TOM SERVO: It was a dark and stormy night. > Scooter, Andy and Joey >sat there biting their nails (except Scooter, who used a nail >clipper). Scooter was hard at work on an invention. CROW [sci-fi geek voice]: Oooh, it's just like on Star Trek: The Next Generation when the Enterprise got caught in a temporal causality loop and blew up over and over again! TOM SERVO [sci-fi geek voice]: No, no, it's *exactly* like on Doctor Who when somebody gets caught in a time loop, and they keep saying and doing the same stuff over and over again... > He was >thinking. "Maybe time isn't a continuum! Maybe it's a random >repetition of moments!" MIKE: Maybe this whole *story* is just a random repetition of moments! Any chance of wandering back to the plot? > Scooter thought some more. "Nah." MIKE: No chance, huh? Sorry to hear that... > Then he thought about >that some more. CROW: Then he thought about thinking about that some more. > Andy and Joey bit their nails until 2:59. "Eureka!" >Scooter exclaimed. TOM SERVO: Then he jumped out of his bath and ran naked through the streets of ancient Greece! > "Do you know what this is?" he asked as he >held out a remote control. TOM SERVO: The symbol of power in living rooms across America? CROW: One less reason to get up from the couch? > "It's a remote," said Joey. "But not just any remote!" >said Scooter. CROW: It also slices, dices and circumcises. *Now* how much would you pay? > "It can speed up, slow down, rewind or pause >time!" MIKE: Listen: David "Scooter" Furthenhoffer IV has come unstuck in time. > He pressed a button. CROW: Oh please, let it be the fast-forward button... I wanna get to the end of this stinkbomb! > .nottub a desserp eH "!emit esuap ro dniwer ,nwod wols >,pu deeps nac tI" !tuo taht tuc ,yeh ..."retoocS" divaD :netsiL :EKIM > .retoocS diad "!etomer yna tsuj ton tuB" >..yeoJ dias ",etomer a s'tI" TOM SERVO: He must've slipped into an alternate universe where he "daid" it instead of "said" it. > Scooter pressed another button. TOM SERVO: Let's hope he's changing the channel to a better storyline... > "It'saremote," said Joey. "Butnotjustanyremote!" said >Scooter. "Itcanspeedup,slowdown,rewindorpausetime!" He >pressed a button. MIKE: Maybe he'll hit eject and get rid of the entire space-time continuum. > Now they were back right after Scooter told >Joey what the remote could do. CROW: Now Scooter was back to the point where he pressed the rewind button, sending him back through the infinite loop again and again... > "Cool!" said Andy. TOM SERVO [as Andy]: "I want to go back and become my own grandfather!" > "So we can speed up time to 3 p.m. >and the limo will already be coming?" MIKE: Let's see, dinosaurs, medieval times, a glimpse into the future... nah, this New Zoo's *much* more fascinating! > Scooter pressed a >button. The hands on the analog clock spun around extremely >fast. The clouds zoomed across the sky. The numbers on the >digital clock whizzed by. Everything stopped when the clocks >got to 3 p.m. CROW: The sun sweeps across the sky as you rotate the brass ring. Far below, the shadow of the structure stretches across the landscape. From this great altitude it looks like a dark finger, accusing a point on the northeast horizon. TOM SERVO: Hmm... a Trinity reference. Is that too obscure? MIKE: Probably. Besides, according to this story, the sun never moved. > 4 > 3:00 p.m. > They zoomed outside just as a black stretch limo pulled >up. "Cool," said Andy. "It looks like one of those cars dead >people ride in," Joey gulped. CROW [as Joey]: "Does this mean we're dead now?" MIKE: Wishful thinking won't help, Crow... > "A hearse," Scooter said. "I am >not!" Joey said. "Not what?" said Andy. "Hoarse," Joey >replied. TOM SERVO: Mike, suddenly I'm hoping that this limo ride turns into an abduction. Is that wrong? > "Are you David Furthenhoffer IV?" the driver asked. CROW [Schwarzenegger voice]: Are you Sarah Connor? >Scooter nodded. "I didn't know there were two more Scooters," >said Andy. TOM SERVO: Hmm... if this one is the fourth, I count *three* more Scooters... > "Actually," Scooter said, "my dad is Skeeter and >his dad is Squirt." MIKE: Heir to the citrus beverage fortune. > "Why Squirt?" Joey asked. Scooter replied, "Don't ask." CROW [as Joey]: "But I already asked!" >"Ew," Andy ewwed. TOM SERVO: "Ewwed"? What is he, a female sheep all of a sudden? > They got in the limo. Two bowling pins fell out when >Scooter opened the door. MIKE [as limo driver]: "Yeah, just shove that bowling stuff to the side, I kinda live out of my limo..." > "Good grief, it's the bowling in the >limo gag!" he said. "I feel like I'm in a cartoon." TOM SERVO: Good grief, it's a Peanuts cartoon! > The limo was awesome! MIKE: If you're into that kind of thing... > "Man," said Andy. "This thing has >everything but the kitchen sink!" CROW [as Andy]: "No kitchen sink?! I'm leaving!" > The driver turned around >and said, "Look behind you." They looked backwards and saw a >kitchen sink. MIKE: Hyuck! Why it's the wackiest limo in... well, in wherever the heck these kids are... > "I knew it was coming," said Scooter. CROW [as Scooter]: "Yeah, and I knew about those bowling pins too, I just didn't want to say anything..." > While they were riding, Andy and Joey watched the built- >in TV (with cable) MIKE: Wow. That's either a really long cable, or a really short trip to the zoo! TOM SERVO: Maybe he meant "with a satellite dish"? > while Scooter read over the other note: > > The New Zoo is the most exciting zoo in the history of >bananas! CROW: Bananas? Bananas?! MIKE: That's right, bananas! You know, some people just don't understand what a rich and wonderful history bananas have... > That's because our zoo is full of extinct animals. TOM SERVO: Ah, one little detail... if they're living in a zoo, they're not extinct anymore! >That's right, see the dodo bird, saber-toothed tiger, wooly >mammoth and much, much more! CROW: We've even got a few Perot supporters kicking around in here... > The New Zoo is also extremely >safe. TOM SERVO: So tell your parents not to worry... wait a minute, where the heck *are* these kids' parents?! > We have protection from almost everything, MIKE: Protection from cold, protection from evil, protection from undead, protection from normal fires... > and a power >generator if a blackout occurs. CROW: Oh, but if there's no blackout, we won't have a generator either. > We've got other animals, too, >but our main attractions are endangered or extinct. MIKE: ...but we don't care about those other animals, and neither should you! > Scooter gasped. CROW: Scooter had just discovered the limo's wet bar! > 5 > The New Zoo CROW [singing]: It's The New Zoo Review! Comin'... ahh, forget it. > > Victor Speduway frowned. TOM SERVO: ... as he jammed on the pedal and Speduway. > He was the head of a zoo called >The Speduway Zoo. MIKE: Like director, like zoo. Think about it, won't you? Thank you. > He was not happy that another zoo was >moving into Jackson. TOM SERVO: Finally, a name for this place! > What kind of a name is "The New Zoo" >anyway? CROW: Yeah, it just doesn't have the zing of "Speduway Zoo", does it? > The worst part was that The New Zoo had weird animals >and all he had were plain old animals. TOM SERVO: Well, maybe Dr. Seuss will let you borrow some of his animals too! > The New Zoo was going >to steal all his business! > He decided he would have to do something... something >drastic... MIKE: Something wacky and wild! >* * * > Scooter read over the note again while Joey and Andy >cracked up because Steve Urkel had just set a building on >fire and said, "Did I do that?" CROW [as Urkel]: "Arson is fun!" > "I don't believe it!" Scooter exclaimed. "Yeah," said >Andy. "It seems like he would know if he burned down a >building!" TOM SERVO: I don't know... this *is* Urkel we're talking about... MIKE [as Urkel]: "Hey Laura, want some cheese?" > "No," Scooter said, handing Andy the note. "Read >it and weep," he said. MIKE [as Scooter]: "Four of a kind, and that beats your straight!" > Andy read over the note. Scooter waited nervously. >"Cool," said Andy. Scooter freaked. "DON'T YOU GET IT!? CROW: Soylent Green is made from *people*!!! > It's >not cool! Those animals were extinct! They could be >dangerous!" > "I don't get your figuring there," said Joey. "Yeah, if >they all got killed, how dangerous can they be?" said Andy. MIKE: Yeah, how dangerous can a tyrannosaurus rex be? > Scooter thought about that. They had a point. "I just >have a bad feeling about this..." he said. CROW [as Scooter]: "I just don't think I'm gonna make it outta here on this one!" MIKE [as Andy]: "Everybody gotta die sometime, Scooter. Now get back in your foxhole!" TOM SERVO: Jim Henson's Platoon Babies, ladies and gentlemen. >* * * > Victor Speduway did some research and found that The New >Zoo was bringing three kids to try out the zoo. This would be >the perfect opportunity! What are kids gonna do? TOM SERVO [singing]: What are kids gonna do when they *come* *for* *you*? > He >snickered, then began to plan his attack. MIKE: First he would weaken their fortifications with artillery, then the tanks would move in... > The names of the >kids were David Furthenhoffer IV, Andy Goateen and Joey >Washinpound... TOM SERVO [as Speduway]: "What kind of names are those, anyway?" >* * * > David Furthenhoffer IV, Andy Goateen and Joey >Washinpound CROW: Just in case you missed their names the first time... > arrived at The New Zoo. The limo driver got out, >walked to the back of the limo and opened the door. TOM SERVO: Then he slammed it shut again, just as the kids were getting out! He was a real joker, that limo driver... > "How's that for service?" Andy exclaimed. "Well," >Scooter said, "it's definitely not service with a smile! Look >at this guy; he looks like a Buckingham Palace guard, but >without the furry hat!" The driver stood there, holding the >door open, with no expression on his face. "Weird." CROW [as Scooter]: "Wait a minute... I've seen you before! Al Gore, right?" > When Scooter got out, the door bumped against something >in his pocket. Something weird happened. > .deneppah driew gnihtemoS .tekcop sih ni gnihtemos >tsniaga depmub rood eht ,tuo tog retoocS nehW ...niaga siht ot kcab er'eW .lufrednoW :EKIM > ".dreiW" .ecaf sih no noisserpxe on htiw ,nepo rood eht >gnidloh ,ereht doots revird ehT > The driver stood there, holding the door open, with no >expression on his face. "Weird." CROW [as Casey Kasem clone from Ring of Terror]: "Yeah, I guess that is the word for it. Weird!" > When Scooter got out, the door bumped against something >in his pocket. He realized it was the remote control. The >first time he got out, the rewind button had been pushed. TOM SERVO: So why didn't it get pushed the second time? CROW: Shh! You want this story to go on longer?! > The >other guys didn't realize a thing. MIKE: So what else is new? > Scooter looked up. 20-foot gates with torches (but the >torches were electric) screamed "THE NEW ZOO". Scooter >whispered, "We spared no expense." MIKE: Aww, isn't that cute? Scooter's trying to throw in witty, sarcastic commentary too! CROW: Hey, Scooter, leave it to the people who know how it's done, okay? > Suddenly there was a huge CRRRRRRRREEEAK! as the gates >started to open. They heard a lot of strange growls, roars >and bird calls from inside the zoo. Slowly, the kids walked >in. MIKE [as Andy]: "Whoo! Smells like a zoo in here! Oh wait, it is..." > Thunder rumbled in the distance. The noises got louder. >They saw a sign that said: TOM SERVO [as Rod Serling]: "Your next stop... the Twilight Zone!" ><- Snacks >Gift Shop -> >The Animals--Straight ahead! CROW: <- Camelot 43 Certain Death 1 -> > "Straight ahead," the kids said together. They ran past >the sign. The noises just kept getting louder as they went. >They didn't see any animals yet. > SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! > "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" > SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! > "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" > SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! CROW [as Scooter]: "Must've bumped that damn rewind button into something again..." > "What is that?" Scooter cried. Then they looked ahead... >and saw it. > > > 6 > Speduway > > They saw it. TOM SERVO: Once again, in case you didn't catch it the first two times, they saw it. > It wasn't much compared to what they would >see later, but it was still strange. MIKE: Well, maybe it wasn't all that strange. I don't know. Do you think it was strange? > Andy and Joey had never >seen it. Scooter had seen it in books, but never in person. >That was because it was extinct. > "A dodo bird," Scooter breathed. "Oh boy," Joey said. He >went up to a sign outside the cage. It said: TOM SERVO: "If you can read this sign, the 16-ton weight suspended above your head won't miss." >MAURITIUS DODO BIRD >DODOS ARE STRANGE BIRDS FOUND ONLY ON ISLANDS IN THE INDIAN OCEAN--UNTIL >NOW. THIS IS THE MAURITIUS DODO, THE BEST-KNOWN DODO MIKE: I thought that was Gallagher? > WHICH WAS FOUND ON >THE ISLAND OF MAURITIUS. IT BECAME EXTINCT IN ABOUT 1680. > > "Ha!" Scooter laughed. "I told you! Did you know that >this thing was killed by pigs?" CROW [as Joey]: "What a coincidence! We were going to kill you the same way!" > "I was not aware of that," said Andy. TOM SERVO [Johnny Carson voice]: "I did not know that!" > They looked at the >dodo. It had a bulky body, a big head and beak, and large, >strong feet. Its wings were useless sprouts and its tail >looked almost fake. CROW: Hey, that's no dodo! That's Opus from Bloom County! > But the rest of it looked completely >real. > "It looks so real," Joey breathed. Suddenly, a voice >behind them said, "That's because it is real." MIKE [as voice]: "Or is it Memorex?" > They turned around and saw a teenager in a greenish >camouflage jumpsuit and hat, with a button that said, "WELCOME >TO THE NEW ZOO! MY NAME IS FRANK." CROW: I always wondered what he did before Dr. Forrester found him! > Thunder rumbled. MIKE [as Frank]: "Oh, that was me. Sorry." > "Hi, I'm Frank," he said. TOM SERVO [as Frank]: "... and I'll be your waiter today." > "So I see," Scooter said, >staring at him. Frank laughed and said, "I'll be your guide >today. TOM SERVO [as Frank]: "All right, I won't be your waiter today. Maybe tomorrow." > See, you were chosen to sort of try out The New Zoo >and see what you think of it." MIKE [as Frank]: "If you're not completely satisfied, please return the unused portion for a full refund." > "Well, it's great so far!" Joey said, grinning like a >donkey. CROW: Only been here five minutes, and already he's making an ass of himself! > "Come on," said Frank. "Let's go see some more >animals." > They saw animals, all right! They went past twelve-foot >birds called moas (and Joey found them downright creepy!), CROW [as moa]: "Hey, you're no perfect specimen of nature yourself, ya know!" >huias, a huge bird called an elephant bird who was supposed >to have eaten elephants (just the elephant birds' eggs were 3 >feet wide and held more than 2 gallons of fluid!), honey >creepers with long, curved beaks, a kind of condor, passenger >pigeons TOM SERVO: So called because they were supposed to have eaten passengers. > and birds called nenes, who had nothing special about >them. CROW: So screw 'em! > The creepiest part was that all those animals were >supposed to be extinct! MIKE: What? You don't think that's creepy? C'mon, think about it! > "Well, those were all the birds," Frank said. "Let's go >on to the mammals." So they did. They saw a rat-like thing >called a phascolotherium, whooly rhinos, wooly mammoths, >straight-tusked elephants, lions called cave lions, cave >bears, red deer, giant beavers, giant pandas, three-toed >horses, giant sloths, mastodons and dire wolves. MIKE [singing]: ... and a partridge in a pear tree! > Then they >saw something that made them stop and stare. > "Good grief," Scooter gasped. Joey stood there with his >mouth hanging open. "Imagine what that thing could do to >you!" Andy cried. ALL: Bwow-a-chicka-bwow-wow! > It was a saber-toothed tiger. CROW: Oh. > > > 7 > Predators > > ERRRROWERRRRRRRR! TOM SERVO [singing]: Despite all my rage, I am still just a cat in a cage! > The tiger stared at them. Its dark eyes looked into >theirs. MIKE [singing]: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight! > ERRRROWERRRRRRRR! > The sound made them shiver. Thunder rumbled. MIKE [as Frank]: "Whoops, me again. Damn fajitas..." > The storm >was getting closer by the minute. The sky was already dark. >The tiger roared again. > ERRRROWERRRRRRRR! CROW [as tiger]: "Have some Frosted Flakes, kids!" > Suddenly it jumped at them! Andy ran and hid under a >bush while Joey jumped in a trash can. TOM SERVO: They knew exactly what to do in a crisis, because they'd seen every Scooby Doo cartoon ever made. > Scooter stayed where >he was as the tiger jumped toward him! > CRASH! > "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" CROW [as John Cleese]: "The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the obnoxious children, but also the red currants!" > "Joey, shut up!" Scooter said. ALL: (applause) > "Huh?" said Joey as he >climbed out of the trash can. "You're alive!" TOM SERVO [as Joey]: "We've been planning this 'accidental' death for weeks!" > "Those glasses do work!" Scooter cried. "What did you >expect?" Joey looked past Scooter at the cage. The tiger had >jumped... right into the chain-link fence! ALL: Wah-wah-wah-waaaahhh!!! TOM SERVO: Woo! That was suspenseful. MIKE: So, did anyone else think even for a second that there wasn't going to be a cage to stop the tiger? CROW: Well... I was *hoping*... > "You guys are too tense," Scooter said. MIKE: Ha ha! He always knows just the right thing to say... > "Well, let's go," said Frank, who seemed a little shaken >up by the experience. > They walked on and saw tarpans, MIKE: Me tarpan. You Jane. > quaggas, Przewalski's >horses, thylacines, kinds of kangaroos, TOM SERVO: Captain Kangaroos, kangaroo courts, kangaroo rats... > fine martens, CROW: Doc Martens? >wildcats, Arabian oryx, bisons, kinds of ocelots, yapoks, >yut-yuts, yamanes and yaks, kinds of jaguars, TOM SERVO: Jaguar XJR sedans, Jet Jaguars, Jacksonville Jaguars, Atari Jaguars... > kinds of >cheetahs CROW: Income tax evaders, unfaithful spouses, U.S. congressmen... MIKE: Huh? CROW: Oh. Thought it said "cheaters"... > and snow leopards. TOM SERVO [as monk]: "... and lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats..." CROW [as Brother Maynard]: "Skip a bit, brother!" > It started to rain, and it was >raining harder every minute. Still they walked on. > They didn't know they were being watched. TOM SERVO [as Joey]: "Hey, are we being watched?" MIKE [as Scooter]: "I don't know!" > > > 8 > Breakout! CROW: A video game classic. > A dark man crept to the door of the control room. The >rain poured down, but he didn't care. MIKE: Why would he? Far as we know, he's indoors. > He reached into his >pocket and pulled out a hairpin. TOM SERVO [as dark man]: "Ah, criminy, this hairdo always needs fixing at the worst times..." > He stuck it in the lock and >moved it around. > Click. The door was unlocked. ALL: (various loud burglar alarm noises) >* * * > Scooter, Andy, Joey and Frank were looking at some kind >of whale when suddenly the lights went out. "What happened?" >Joey asked. CROW [as Scooter]: "The lights went out! Pay attention, will ya!" > "It must be a blackout," said Frank. "Because of the >storm." But still he looked worried. Suddenly Scooter knew >why. MIKE [as Scooter]: "They cut the power!" CROW [as Andy]: "What do you mean *they* cut the power? How could they cut the power, man?! They're animals!" TOM SERVO: Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Henson's Aliens Babies. > "But this place is supposed to have a generator!" he >exclaimed. Frank looked down at him and slowly nodded. "The >only way this could happen," Frank said, "is if someone >was... in the... control room..." > CLANG! > "What was that?" CROW [as Scooter]: "It was a CLANG! Listen, I can't do all your thinking for you..." > CLANG! > CLANG! > CLANG! > CLANG! MIKE: So where's the trolley? > They realized what it was. The gates that kept the >animals in... were opening. CROW: Woo hoo! Here we go! TOM SERVO [chanting]: An-i-mals! An-i-mals! MIKE: Go for the annoying one with the remote! Hurry, before he presses another one of those stupid buttons! TOM SERVO: C'mon saber-tooth! Faster pussycat, kill, kill! MIKE: Wait a minute, guys. What about Frank? What'd he do to deserve getting turned into Extinct Animal Chow? CROW: Acceptable losses, Mike. Do you want to see those little brats eaten alive or not? MIKE: Okay, you convinced me. ALL [chanting]: AN-I-MALS! AN-I-MALS! AN-I-MALS! >------------------------------------------------------------- > >That was it. Now you see why I'm not going to finish it. >It doesn't deserve to live. CROW: WHAT?!? TOM SERVO: Oh, come on! Boooooooo!!! MIKE: Had to stop it at the best part, didn't he? CROW: But suddenly... there *were* *no* *animals*! TOM SERVO: Maybe Scooter hit the stop button? MIKE: Hey, count your blessings guys... usually we have to stay until "The End"! TOM SERVO: Gotta admit, Mike's got a point there... thank you, Mr. Hammack for having a sudden fit of good taste in the middle of your story! Now let's get outta here before he gets any ideas about finishing what he started... >-- > The Famous > ____ __ __ > / __/ _________ / /_/ /_ > \__ \/ ___/ __ \/ __/ __/ shammack@goldinc.com > ___/ / /__/ /_/ / /_/ /_ http://www.goldinc.com/~shammack/ >/____/\___/\____/\__/\__/ MiSTie #70867 [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [Inside the bridge] TOM SERVO: You know, Mike... I was thinking on the way out of the theater... there's one thing about this story that really bothers me... CROW: Only *one* thing?! TOM SERVO: I mean, there's one thing that *really* sticks out in my memory chips. One thing that seems vaguely disturbing. Think about the story for a moment... notice anything missing? CROW: The ending? MIKE: Major spelling and grammar mistakes? TOM SERVO: No! More subtle than that. CROW: Originality? MIKE: Atmosphere? CROW: Likable characters? MIKE: Motivation? TOM SERVO: No, no, I'm talking about something we *didn't* cover during the experiment! Not really a writing flaw, just something you'd expect to see in even a warped universe like the one Hammack created, but it never shows up! MIKE: This is starting to sound like one of those brain-teasers... CROW: Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral? TOM SERVO: All right, I'll just come out and say it... NO GIRLS! CROW & MIKE: Huh?! TOM SERVO: There's not a female to be seen in "The New Zoo"! Not one! All the main characters are boys, and all the supporting characters are men! Even when they talk about Scooter's relatives, we only hear about the guys! So where did all the women go?! MIKE: Hmm... that is a little odd now that you mention it... CROW: Maybe Mars took them all? TOM SERVO: I mean, it's not like these kids are in an all-boys school... MIKE: As far as we know. TOM SERVO: Right! So I'm trying to figure out what kind of a psyche would consciously or unconsciously edit out the entire female gender from its fiction! Any guesses, guys? MIKE: Tom... are you implying that Scott Hammack is gay? CROW [Seinfeld voice]: Not that there's anything wrong with that! TOM SERVO: No... I was thinking more along the lines of him being so traumatized by his mother and all the other women in his life that now he dreams of a world with no girls... and "The New Zoo" is the result! MIKE: So you *are* saying he's gay. TOM SERVO [frustrated]: Mike... CROW: I've got it! Maybe he wrote this when he was at that tender age where he just hadn't "noticed" girls yet? MIKE: Maybe his parents never had that "special talk" with him... CROW: What if his life was so devoid of female companionship that he just forgot about girls? MIKE: Maybe there are no girls in the town, city, cult compound or planet where he lives... CROW: He could've been saving all his female characters for the ending that never got written... TOM SERVO: Or what about this, guys? Could it be that Scott Hammack is just a normal guy who didn't see a need to make his story co-ed, and we're doing *way* too much psychoanalyzing about this? [Pause while Mike, Tom and Crow think about it] ALL: NAHHHH! CROW: Okay, so what if all the women where he lived were killed off by Frank Herbert's White Plague? [Light flashes on control panel] MIKE: Whoa, wait a second guys, there's a transmission coming through on the hexfield viewscreen! Let's see who it is... [The hexfield viewscreen opens, revealing a greasier version of Mikey from Teenage Strangler. He is sitting behind a computer desk, typing at a computer that has an America On-line decal stuck to the side of the monitor. There's lettering at the bottom of the hexfield that says WWOJ1965a@aol.com, and the letters look suspiciously like they're made of styrofoam.] WWOJ1965a: Aha! Finally I've locked in on your frequencee! ALL: WWOJ1965A!!! WWOJ1965a: The same! And now I'm going to giv you all a peece of my mind, you damn NITPICKERS!!! MIKE [whispering]: Better keep what you've got, looks like it's in short supply already... WWOJ1965a: WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?! MIKE: Nothing, nothing! You were saying something about "damn nitpickers"? WWOJ1965a: THAT'S RYGHT! You know, you guys must think you're pritty clevver sitting up there in your satilight, teezing and bullying those poor, helpless movies, making them cry with your wisecracks and sarcastic remarks... well, let me tel you something, smart guys! If you coud walk a mile in those moviemakers' shues, you'd see how things like a budjit, good dialogue, good acting, continuity, well thought-out storylines, originality and a plot REELEE GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY! Can't you peeple see how the guy sitting in the producer/director's seat could get REELEE BORED with stuff like that?! MIKE [whispering]: I see an AOL geek, but I hear one of my third-grade teachers... CROW: Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others then, huh? WWOJ1965a: THAT'S RYGHT, CROW!!!! CROW [muttering]: Didn't think *that* line would work twice... WWOJ1965a: I mean, how would *you* guys like it if you starrd in a TV show or something, and everywun made fun of you? TOM SERVO: Uh, I hate to burst your bubble, WWOJ, but we're trapped in space up here. How are *we* going to be in a TV show? MIKE: Yeah, what are they gonna do... pull Cambot's video records of the Mads' experiments and play them on some cheap cable show? CROW: Who'd wanna watch *that*?! WWOJ1965a: Well, if you guys ever *do* come out with a show, I'm gonna tape every single episoad and watch for flubbed lines, continuity flaws, parts falling off of robots, stuff like that, and then I'll harass your relatives, teachers and former college roommaits until I'm SHOOR that I've found EVRY LITTLE MISTAIK, and then I'm gonna CRINKLE THEM UP so they've got LOTS OF SHARP CORNURS, and I'm gonna SHOVE 'EM RITE UP YOUR... MIKE: Hey, listen WWOJ! Don't think we don't appreciate you paying us a little visit here, 'cause we do, but I was just wondering... how did you manage to send us a transmission, anyway? WWOJ1965a: Oh, once I got the satilight dish, hooked up a transmitter, boosted the power to beem a signal into space, and then bought satilight trakking software and a frequencee scanner, it wasn't too difficult! CROW: Sounds like a pretty big investment just to talk to us... where'd all that money come from? WWOJ1965a: Don't wurry, I've got it all covered! I put it all on charge cards! And then, after I maxd out my Visa and Circuit City cards, I put a post on 20 different newsgroups that's gonna get me $5,000 in five days! And it's gonna come all in neetly wrapped one dollar bills too! [Tom & Crow are giggling at this.] MIKE [snickering]: Uhh, right! Well okay, WWOJ, I can see you thought this thing out... [WWOJ's computer starts saying "You've got mail! You've got mail! You've got mail!" in the AOL announcement voice over and over again.] WWOJ1965a: Wow! Chek out all these responces! Let's see... [WWOJ taps on his keyboard] Hmm... most of these subjects say something about "spamming" and "mail bomb". Wonder what that's all about? Here's one... "Please download and run this program." Sounds pritty harmless to me... [WWOJ taps on his keyboard some more] Okay, now the screen says "Thanks for giving out your address on the internet. You'll be hearing from us again real soon." Cool! "Hope you enjoy the virus, you butt-licking, spamming moron." VIRUS?! [At this point, WWOJ's monitor explodes, and snow starts to fly in from the sides of the hexfield viewscreen.] Oh no, my trakking software! I'm losing the satilight! MIKE: Well, hey, it's been fun talking to you, WWOJ, sorry you gotta go... [The hexfield viewscreen starts to close as snow keeps flying across the screen.] WWOJ1965a: I'M NOT THROO WITH YOU NITPICKERS YET! YOU JUST WAYT, I'LL BE BACK!!! AND IF YOU SEE PHIL FARRAND, AUTHER OF THE "NITPICKER'S GUIDE TO STAR TREK" BOOKS, TELL HIM I'M LOOKING FOR HIM TOO!!! [The hexfield viewscreen closes.] CROW: You could tell he was misspelling even while he was *talking*! How does he *do* that?! MIKE: Well, let's see... his credit is shot, his computer's been blown up, pranksters from the internet know where he lives... think we'll be hearing from WWOJ again? TOM SERVO: Mike... as long as they keep sending out those "10 Free Hours" disks, there'll *always* be someone to take his place. MIKE: Well, let's talk to Gypsy about how to lock out unwanted transmissions like *that* one... meanwhile, what do you think, sir and madam? [Deep 13] [Dr. Forrester is lying in bed and Mrs. Forrester is sitting on the edge of the bed with the book "The Hot Zone" open in her hand. Dr. F. lifts his head up and looks around as if he had just been awakened.] MRS. FORRESTER: Shh! I just got him to sleep! Can't you people keep your voices down?! [SOL] CROW: Yeah? Well, at least I don't wear lab coats! TOM SERVO: Huh? MIKE: Crow, what are you doing? CROW: Remember, during the experiment? We said we'd use that line on them? MIKE: No, *you* said we'd use that line on them! It was stupid then, and it's still stupid now! [Deep 13] MRS. FORRESTER: Why, Art, I'm surprised at you! What have you got against lab coats? I'll have you know that a lot of successful people wear lab coats regularly! Let's see, there's Beakman, Bill Nye, Victor von Frankenstein... [SOL] CROW [Gene Wilder voice]: That's FRAHNK-EN-SHTEEN! [Mike slaps his forehead and shakes his head in disbelief] TOM SERVO: Crow, I don't know you... [Deep 13] MRS. FORRESTER: Sure, Art, whatever... DR. FORRESTER: Read me the best part again, mom! MRS. FORRESTER: What? Oh, all right. Let me just find it... [She flips backwards through "The Hot Zone"] Ah, here it is... "He becomes dizzy and utterly weak, and his spine goes limp and nerveless and he loses all sense of balance. The room is turning around and around. He is going into shock." [Dr. F. is smiling and chuckling evilly as the book is being read] "He leans over, head on his knees, and brings up an incredible quantity of blood from his stomach and spills it onto the floor with a gasping groan. He loses consciousness and pitches forward onto the floor. The only sound is a choking in his throat as he continues to vomit blood and black matter while unconscious." [Dr. F. is giggling and wiggling now with childish, wicked glee] "Then comes a sound like a bedsheet being torn in half, which is the sound of his bowels opening and venting blood..." DR. FORRESTER: And the virus kills him in the hospital waiting room? MRS. FORRESTER: Yes, Clayton. DR. FORRESTER: And the Ebola strain shows up later in a monkey house in Reston, Virginia and spreads from there to the rest of the world with 90% lethality, while we stay safe in Deep 13? MRS. FORRESTER: Of course, sweetie. [Dr. F. sighs contentedly, then fluffs up his pillow, lies down, turns on his side and closes his eyes. Mrs. F. stands up carefully from the edge of the bed, puts the book down on the nightstand, and tiptoes close to the camera.] MRS. FORRESTER [whispering]: Don't tell him how the book *really* ends... it would break his dear little heart! [Reaches off-camera and pushes the button] [Closing credits] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Thanks go to: SCOTT HAMMACK, for graciously inviting people to rip apart his very MSTable creation, and for being a good sport about taking a little ribbing too. ROB BOWELL & SPROING , for their feedback on my first MSTing attempt, "Retort by Billy Jack". THE MAKERS OF ID4, for creating and hyping the hell out of such a fun and very MSTable movie. WWOJ1965a, for blowing his stack in such an obnoxious way, and making a very MSTable short. BEST BRAINS, for making the best show on TV, and inspiring MSTers to attempt to bring its wit to the Internet. THE SCI-FI CHANNEL, for giving MST3K another chance to live, breathe, thrive, and survive. And a tearful farewell to: TRACE BEAULIEU >That was it. Now you see why I'm not going to finish it. >It doesn't deserve to live. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once again, I'd appreciate any feedback you may have about my latest MSTing effort. Or to put it another way... what do you think, sirs and madams?