MIKE: So, help me out here, guys. SERVO: Regardiiiiiing... MIKE: Well, I think we all know what's gonna happen next. CROW: Sure, Mike... Someone pulls a Deus Ex Machina plan outta their ass and blows the aliens to Kingdom Come. SERVO: Exactly. MIKE: But that's what I mean! That's no fun! C'mon, guys. How would YOU end the movie? CROW: Hmmmm... I like the way you think, Nelson. SERVO: Yeah. Hey, I've got it! The aliens finally find Yahoo Serious and Gallagher, annihilate them, and leave the solar system--- Mission accomplished! CROW: Ooo! Ooo! How about... they open an chain of upscale bistros... in OMAHA! Of course they don't get any business, they go bankrupt, and disappear in utter ruin and disgrace! MIKE: Orrrrrrr... SERVO and CROW: Yeeeees? MIKE: It turns out they can only breathe oxygen, and they all suffocate trying to invade New Delhi and LA. CROW: Hey, that's almost the ending of The Thing! MIKE: Oh, bite me. The actual ending steals from like twelve different films. It's fun! SERVO: Well, then... How about... Harvey Fierstein crawls from the wreckage and MINCES them into submission. MIKE: Well, that's sooooo crazy... ALL: IT JUST MIGHT WORK! [Moviesign lights and klaxon go off.] ALL: And we've got MOVIE-SIIIIIGN! [Dog Bone, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.] JULY 4 SERVO: Prince Spaghetti Day! [JULIUS walks into the hangar bay to find DAVID trashing it because he's drunk. He just found out about the nuclear strike. JULIUS talks DAVID out of giving up. He nags DAVID to get up off the floor before he catches cold. This gives DAVID the idea of giving the aliens a computer virus.] [HILLER shows JASMINE and her son around the hangar bay. HILLER shows kid the alien ship.] CROW: Someday, son, *you* will drive this! [DAVID preps his demo by letting Major Mitchell try to shoot a Coca-Cola can off the fighter. He can't; the defensive field is still up. Hilarious ricochet scene ensues.] CROW [as random observer in hangar]: AAAAAAHHHHH!!! I'M HIT!!! MIKE [as Mitchell]: Jeez, damn ricochets. Sorry, sorry... [Then DAVID uses his virus to shut down the shield, and Mitchell shoots the Coke can.] MIKE: Just for the taste of it. [DAVID explains his master plan: to fly the alien fighter out to the mothership, upload a virus to cause the aliens' network to fail. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI pooh-poohs the plan until HILLER volunteers as pilot. Even then, does the craft still work? Releasing the docking clamps proves it does.] CROW: Flubber! [PRESIDENT WHITMORE okays the plan. JULIUS and DAVID share a quick tender moment, then HILLER and DAVID admit that they have lied on their respective resumes.] CROW: Ha, ha! What a funny story! We're all dead! [PRESIDENT WHITMORE fires SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI. He's now just plain old Mr. NIMZIKI] MIKE: I'm just NIMZIKI and tired of this movie! [The British, occupying Iraq, and the Iraqis, receive an old Morse Code message to coordinate the counteroffensive. The message, detailing the plan, goes to Russia, and around the world. Morse code. Nice touch.] [PRESIDENT WHITMORE sends out word for pilots...ANY pilots. Including, apparently, RUSSELL CASSE.] Maj MITCHELL: ...Forgive the expression, but you're about to get a crash course in avionics. [RUSSELL CASSE introduces himself, giving WAY more information than necessary.] MIKE: [Mitchell] OK...give him the plane without an engine...he won't know the difference. [In the hangar bay, General Gray shows HILLER and DAVID the missile launcher. CONNIE and DAVID argue about his decision to go up. He's gonna save the world.] CONNIE: NOW he gets ambitious. SERVO: Yeah, AFTER the script was approved. [JASMINE prepares for an impromptu wedding. HILLER pops in, late as usual. DAVID and CONNIE act as witnesses. (Where in Hell did they find a chaplain on such short notice?) CONNIE and DAVID decide that it's an idea worth thinking about.] [Runway. PRESIDENT WHITMORE gives his big speech.] PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. [Slow version of main theme plays.] MIKE: Frere Jacques. CROW: Frere Jacques. MIKE: Domme' vous. CROW and SERVO: Domme' vous. PRESIDENT WHITMORE: " Mankind "... that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interest. ALL: [humming "America the Beautiful" during speech] PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom-- not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win today, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as CROW: Boxer Shorts Day! SERVO: Sno-Cone Day! MIKE: Doris Day! the day when the world declared in one voice, " we will not go quietly into the night, we will not vanish without a fight..." CROW: "We will not prove to be too bright..." We're going to live on! We're going to survive! SERVO: "We're going to DISNEY WORLD!" Today, we celebrate... our Independence Day!" [PRESIDENT WHITMORE decides to go up with the other pilots. GENERAL GREY questions this, but realizes that he can't stop the President.] [Hangar. HILLER promises JASMINE and son that he'll be back. JULIUS gives DAVID the Air Force One airsick bags he snagged. DAVID gives JULIUS a Torah and a yarmulke.] SERVO: We're getting ethnic here. CROW: Wear it in good health. MIKE: An airsick bag? [ CONNIE warns DAVID to be careful. HILLER realizes that they can't leave without cigars, which JULIUS thoughtfully provides ("his last two").] HILLER: You're a lifesaver. CROW: And I'm a Tic-Tac! HILLER: Almost put a hex on the whole damned thing. MIKE: And that would be bad, 'cause then we'd have to summon the zombie spirit of Jon Mikl-Thor... [DAVID boots up his Mac Powerbook, complete with "Good Morning, Dave" in-joke.] SERVO: Hey! You can't do that until the flight attendant says you can. [Runway. CASSE prepares with his own preflight ritual, putting a picture of his family on one of the consoles and nearly launching missiles in the process. He waves goodbye to his real family.] CASSE: I picked a hell of a day to quit drinking. CROW: [Lloyd Bridges] I picked a hell of a day to quit amphetamines. [Hangar. HILLER PRESIDENT WHITMOREents DAVID with his "victory dance" (the cigar) and warns him "not until the fat lady sings". The hangar bay door opens. HILLER has the silly thing in reverse. Then they rip off the old Cosby "Ooops" routine. Finally, they launch.] HILLER: I have GOT to get me one of THESE! CROW: Oh, boy, thinks Johnny, a heliocopter aeroplane. If only I could get a ride in one of these! [They fly out and DAVID struggles to conquer his airsickness.] MIKE: Hey, this movie makes us sick, too, but you don't see us whining about it. [Runway/Control Center. The aliens are ready to launch their counter-counterattack, so our boys prepare to take off.] ALL: [singing] Highway to the danger zone! (duduh duduh!) [Space. HILLER and DAVID approach the mothership, and are tractored aboard. They repeat the "oops" schtick; DAVID forgot to tell HILLER that he expected the aliens to take them aboard.] [Over Area 51. Our boys are up. They start doing that cool macho radio speak.] CROW: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers, this is Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder. SERVO: Go ahead, Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder. CROW: I've got a pony keg and a whole hibachi full of chili dogs... Permission to start the tailgate party. MIKE: Negative, Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers... Put the chili dogs on the back burner until the National Anthem has played. CROW: Copy, Ham on Rye. Permission to do a fly-by. SERVO: Negative, Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers... the joke's been done. [Control center. CONNIE realizes that the alien offensive might reach them before the virus reaches the aliens. Mitchell immediately takes the refugees into the armored headquarters.] [ We see the mothership. It looks really silly.] MIKE: Hey, it's one of those bend-over ladies you put on your front lawn! [HILLER's alien fighter approaches the mothership, in an oddly cheap matte shot. But when POV shifts, everything looks expensive again. They reach the docking bay, well inside the ship. It's spooky. Very blue-green. It's a close encounter of the third kind, as they head right toward the control stalactite... err, tower. They are still under the mothership's control. They suddenly realize that the air traffic control alien will be able to see them. DAVID closes the shutter over the cockpit, and then automagically manages to interface a Mac Powerbook to the alien network.] SERVO: Powerbooks--The wave of the future! CROW: Bill Gates must be *really* pissed. [Our flyboys shift formation and prepare to engage.] [DAVID uploads the virus. The uploading gauge for the virus creeps along] CROW: Oh, he's FTPing it. [Flyboys engage. PRESIDENT WHITMORE fires missile, which impacts the damn defensive shields. DAVID hasn't launched the virus. PRESIDENT WHITMORE refuses to disengage, and fires another missile. Virus has launched. Missiles are now kicking ass. Alien fighters countercountercountercounterattack our boys. RUSSELL distinguishes himself in combat and gets a little payback.] [HILLER and DAVID can't get loose. The alien air traffic (space traffic?) controller has figured out that something is amiss. He begins to correlate it with HILLER and DAVID.] MIKE: Alien: Hey! We use PC's! [Area 51 ground. Refugees BARELY manage to get underground before the first fallout from the battle hits.] [Mothership. Alien ATC opens the shutter. HILLER and DAVID duck out of the way.] [Area 51 underground. Refugees, led by JULIUS, pray. One guy says, "I'm not Jewish." JULIUS responds, "That's okay. Nobody's perfect."] MIKE: Oh, come on! *everybody's* Jewish! CROW: William Shatner's Jewish! SERVO; Whoopi Goldberg's Jewish! CROW: Mel Brooks! SERVO: Steven Spielberg! CROW: Adam Sandler! SERVO: The Fonz! MIKE: Enough of that. [Air. More battle. We lose a few of ours, but cost them a bunch of fighters. PRESIDENT WHITMORE launches missile at main reactor a la Death Star and misses. His wingman goes in and gets fried. They're out of missiles... Except for RUSSELL. He's got a missile! He identifies himself for a grandstand maneuver. With excellent cover, he goes in for the kill, kinda like Red 5, except that he's Eagle 20. He fires. Launcher jams. He tries again. No joy. The alien reactor vulnerability point (the cannon, I know) begins to close. RUSSELL says his goodbyes, and makes the ultimate sacrifice, flying his F/A 18 with armed missile and nifty last words straight up into the alien cannon reactor, destroying the ship beautifully.] CROW [as Han Solo]: Great shot, kid! That was one in a million! MIKE: Bye. You were stupid. SERVO: Oh, but we'll miss you! CROW: Well, we'll try to bury what's left of you. where's my spoon? [Control center. General cheering. Mitchell consoles RUSSELL's oldest son. Awwww.] CROW: [kid] Where'm I gonna get my allowance now? [More neat explosions as the alien saucer settles into the formerly pristine countryside. Control center spreads the word on how to wipe out the alien carrier saucers.] MIKE: Send your biggest dork flying up into the cannon bay. CROW: Yeah! Send a crazy drunk guy to fly into the beam! It's fun! [Alien hangar deck. HILLER and DAVID muse on just how far they got. They light up their victory dances, and then dump the nasty part of the virus, and the missile, on the aliens, along with a few cheap wisecracks. DAVID starts making "Fat Lady" jokes at HILLER's expense. Of course they'll make it out in less than the required thirty seconds. It's a movie. Deal with it. DAVID apparently no longer has a problem with motion sickness.] MIKE: [DAVID] Oh, I forgot there was Dramamine in my pocket. Sorry for making that mess before. HILLER: Elvis has LEFT the building! SERVO: The plot has left the movie! DAVID [as Elvis]: Uh, thankyaver'much... ALL: No, thank YOU! [The big firecracker goes off, and the mothership is toast. HILLER and DAVID ride the shockwave home.] ALL: [singing] Everybody's gone surfin', into outer space. [Around the world, the foolish aliens who dared attack mother Earth all crash and burn, much to the delight of people of all nations.] MIKE: Mass destruction! Don't you just love it? CROW: [Commander Harbinger from Hot Shots: Part Deux] War. It's FAAANTASTIC! [PRESIDENT WHITMORE reunites with daughter. GENERAL GREY debriefs him. (no, not what you are thinking) They have lost contact with HILLER and DAVID... or have they? No. They have made it UNSCATHED from the wreckage of their crashed alien fighter.] RADAR GUY: Sir, we have something on radar! MIKE: It looks like... YES! They got back by flying through a hole in the plot! CROW: I'd just like to point out that Captain Steven Hiller went one for three on landings today... [JULIUS kids DAVID about his cigar.] [Hugs, kisses, etc. HILLER jokes with his new stepson, "Didn't I promise you fireworks?" Fade to black on fireworks, Shiny happy ending. Stirring-up of patriotism. Awww.] CROW: I wanted to see the other ending. The one where everyone died, and the aliens did a cool dance on Bill Pullman's head. [Roll end credits.] [Costume Designer: John Porro] CROW: Porno? MIKE: Crooooow... CROW: That's ONE "O". [Main theme plays in its entirety. When the primary thematic phrase begins...] ALL (singing): Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Alles... [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Dog Bone.] MIKE: Well, so much for that. [Sees the 'bots on the verge of tears.] What's the matter, guys? SERVO: We were just thinking... Independence Day sucked... but... *sniffle* it's probably the best movie we'll ever see up here...! CROW: Yeah... Pearl's just setting us up. She's gonna show us a whole string of documentaries on fungi or something, I just know it! SERVO: Or home movies of Mickey Mantle's liver surgery! CROW: Or hidden camera shots of Roseanne eating! SERVO: Or... SERVO and CROW: WATERWORLD! [both burst into tears] [The "Mads" light starts blinking.] MIKE: What is it, Mrs. F., you twisted, evil soul, you? PEARL: Oh, be still my heart! You noticed... I take it you understand the true nature of my strategy now. MIKE: We'll fight you at every turn! You'll never take us alive! Top O' the WORLD, MA! PEARL: Oh, you ninny. Who said anything about taking you... alive? [Maniacal laughter] MIKE: We'll pull through, no matter what you try! PEARL: Ohhhhh, really? What if I try... THIS? [pushes a button on the Microbus console] [SOL lights blink on and off] ALL: AAaaah! MIKE: Gypsy, see what you can do with the power! GYPSY: Oh, I'm not sure, Mike... SERVO: [Looking out into space] Hey, what's that? CROW: Wow! You don't suppose... MIKE: [Turning back around] Whoa! Um, Mrs. F... PEARL: Oh, don't try and wriggle out of this one, Nelson. I've got you right where I want you, and it feels GOOD. MIKE: That's great, Pearl, but look behind you. PEARL: Oh, as IF I'm going to fall for THAT old joke. [BOBO looks back and sees the alien "City Destroyer" ship from the movie.] BOBO: Uh, Lawgiver... PEARL: Not NOW, Booboo! Can't you see I'm dominating here? [Alien ship slowly moves over the Winged Microbus of Doom.] BOBO: But, Lawgiver... PEARL: Pipe DOWN, Bozo, or I'll show you the business end of the airlock. [SFX: Hatch opens on alien craft. Familiar eerie glow emanates. PEARL finally looks up.] PEARL: Oh, I see what you mean, Bobo. [Looking back at Mike and bots] This isn't over yet, Nellie. Not by a long shot! [Alien beam lances down, causing massive greenish blue flash of light that nearly blinds Mike and the bots.] MIKE [back of hand over eyes]: Gypsy, get us outta here! [SOL veers off just in time] SERVO: Gee, do you suppose they got away? CROW: Well, they survived _Nelson's_ blowing up the entire PLANET, so anything's possible. MIKE: You know, I really wish you'd finally get over that. CROW: I bet you do, Mike. [Cut to Winged Microbus of Doom. PEARL is slightly singed, but otherwise all right. She's smoking a cigar. BOBO, however, is nowhere to be seen, and the Microbus has clearly taken a beating.] PEARL: Drat. The boys have gotten clear again. Bobo, see if you can do anything about the damage... Bobo? Bobo? [PEARL starts looking around the interior.] BOBO [from engine bay, sounding very shaky]: Was it good for you too, Lawgiver? PEARL: Bobo... [Fade out. End Theme.] CREDITS: mike nelson MICHAEL J. NELSON tom servo KEVIN W. MURPHY crow t. robot BILL CORBETT special guest villain pearl forrester MARY JO PEHL professor bobo KEVIN W. MURPHY head writer MERRITT STONE contributing writers MANDY SHEKLETON JJ ARROWS JAREK EVAN "the wonder dog" TALBOTT assistance JOAO DE SOUZA Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyrightc Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Hi-keeba! Independence Day, ID4, and related characters and situations are Copyrightc 1996, 1997 Centropolis Productions and 20th Century Fox. All rights reserved. Animaniacs and the song, "Animaniacs" are Copyright c 1993 Warner Brothers Animation. All rights... Oh, you finish it. I'm bitter. All these and other characters used here are copyright their respective creators and/or owners. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. No, really. Not even to Randy Quaid. Keep circulating the posts. STINGER: Randy Quaid as RUSSELL CASSE: "Are yew shure?"