[All enter theater.] > Page 1: Tom: Well, that was wierd. Crow: I don't think he'll be inviting us to Christmas dinner any time soon. > > PASSOVER Tom: The Untold Story > [Picture of guy in diaper standing in front of heiroglyphics. He has > curly hair, dark skin, and looks like he's saluting. There is a frog > standing on his head.] All: [Major Laughter] Crow: Aw, baby wanna cry? Tom: [Singing] Cry like an Egyptian Joel: So that's what they mean by "amphibious assault." > > Frog: OR, IT SHOULDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO AN EGYPTIAN Tom: [Frog] Being in a Jews for Jesus brochure. Crow: Oh, the humanity. Joel: Oh, the inanity. > > Page 2: > > PHAROH SAID, Crow: BITE ME! TOM: WHO'S SHOUTING? > "I DON'T KNOW YOU, BUT Joel: Would you go to Homecoming with me? > SINCE YOU ARE LIVING IN MY LAND, YOU > CAN BE MY SLAVES. Tom: [Sarcastically] Oh, can we? Oh thank you, benevolent one. > MAKE BRICKS FOR ME AND I'LL LET SOME OF YOU LIVE." > > [Picture of Pharoh. His arm is bent somewhat. Crow: So basically the villians are either black, or they have a nerve disorder? Have these guys heard of political correctness? > A frog is sitting on his > shoulder. He's looking off in the distance, and is wearing an afro, Joel: Yo, homies. > a > hat that looks like a "We're Number 1" foam glove, Tom: They weren't satisfied being cheeseheads.... > and a choke collar.] Crow: I'm going to tell myself to keep quiet. > > now, Pharoh didn't even know the Jews. Joel: Even though they kept inviting Pharoah to barbecues. Crow: [Mrs Pharoah] The Jews seem like such a nice couple. Let's visit them. Tom: [Pharoah] But I hardly know them. And they won't return my lawn mower. > But more important, he didn't > know that the Jews were god's Chosen People. Joel: For persecution, bodily harm, and missionary groups like Jews for Jesus. God, can't you choose somebody else? Crow: So the Jewish God isn't important enough to capitalize. Tom: Shouldn't it be G-d? Joel: You want them to show Jewish knowledge NOW? > He thought he could do > what he wanted and he did... for a long, long time. Crow: Which sort of justifies why he thought he could do what he wanted. Tom: You're just a measly king. What makes you think you have any freedom or power? > However, the cry of > the Israelites came up before GOD, Tom: They got tired of god. They wanted GOD. Crow: Wow. Can you change like that? Joel: I think we should just accept the fact that the typesetter did this brochure at 3 AM. > so GOD sent Moses to say Joel: Drumroll, please. ALL: [Make drumroll voices] Avon calling. > > LET MY PEOPLE GO! Tom: [G-d] Yeah, say that too. > > [Pictures of guys wearing robes, sandals, and beards. They also have > chains.] > > Jews: OY VEY! OY VEY! OY VEY! ALL: [Laugh hysterically.] Crow: So, these Jews speak Yiddush instead of Hebrew? Tom: The Jews were so distraught that they were completely disconnected from reality. They thought they were in Germany during the late 19th Century. It's a Kabballah thing. Crow: Do they really expect people with an IQ above 10 to read this and believe Jews for Jesus is connected to Judaism? Joel: Of course not. That's why they target college students. > > Page 3: > > Pharoh thought that it was rather insolent, disrespectful and otherwise > obnoxious for Moses to behave this way; Crow: [Pharoah] Like, he was so uncool, for sure. > and Pharoh said "NO! NO! TEN > TIMES NO!" [Picture of ten lines.] Joel: [Pharoah] So there. Nah. [Sticks out tounge.] Tom: [Reagan] Just say no. > > (He should have had the good sense to say YES from the beginning) Crow: All right, I'll marry you! Joel: [High pitched] And be sure to release those Jews. Crow: Yes, dear. > > AS IT WAS, Tom: ...He said no. > all the Egyptians got boils on their bodies, Joel: It was the latest fashion craze. > frogs in their > soup, Crow: Like nobody EVER ate Frog soup. > darkness over their land, Tom: Independence Day! NOOO!!! Joel: Plague number nine was the Goodyear blimp. > and all kinds of other tsuris Crow: Plague number 11 was the tourist industry? > (troubles, > woes, misery, sufferings) Tom: This post was brought to you by Johny Number Five. Crow: So when someone says tsuris, they should think of Jews for Jesus? Joel: Bingo. > just because Pharoh said NO... to God. Joel: [Pharoah] We will NOT be undersold. Crow: [Pharoah] No, we won't accept American Express! Who do you think you are, anyway? Tom: [Pharoah] Oh, I see. Hey Murray, we got anything on this Yahweh fellow? > > IN THE END THINGS GOT SO HEAVY, Crow: [Christopher Lloyd] Weight has nothing to do with it. Tom: GREAT SCOTT! > PHAROH FINALLY HAD TO SAY *YES*.... Joel: We will have a sale. > THOUGH HE STILL REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO. Tom: And thus, we conclude the Reader's Digest version of the Exodus. > > You would think that some nations would learn a lesson from history, but > they don't. Joel: I had an English Teacher named History. We didn't learn anything from her, either. > They still say NO! NO! with regard to the Jews; and what's > worse, they don't even know that they are saying NO to god. Crow: All right, we're CCing this "NO! NO!" memorandum to Maury Schwartz, Jackie Povich.... And whose this Adonai fellow? Oh well, I'll look him up later. > > Page 4: > Tom: Four on the floor. > The HAMANS, HERODS & HITLERS of the world still think they can foil the > plans of the ALMIGHTY All: Bam, bum, buuuuummmmm!!!!!! > > you see, Crow: Now, you don't. > GOD CREATED THE JEWISH PEOPLE TO BLESS THE NATIONS. Joel: Achoo. Bots: Gesundheit. > (GENESIS > 12:3) IT WAS THROUGH THE JEWISH PEOPLE THAT THE BIBLE CAME INTO BEING. Crow: [Moses] Probably should have put a copyright on it. > IT WAS THROUGH THE JEWISH PEOPLE THAT GOD DEMONSTATED HIS FAITHFULLNESS. Tom: Thanks to Obedience School. Joel: There's the windup. > IT WAS THROUGH THE JEWISH PEOPLE THAT THE MESSIAH, JESUS, CAME TO EARTH > TO SAVE EVERYONE FROM SIN AND DEATH. (John 3:16, 17) Joel: And the pitch. Crow: Oh, yes, the Jewish habit of studying and quoting the New Testament. Tom: So, what they're saying is that.... Since the Jews are the blessed nation, and since the Christian Messiah is Jewish.... All Christians should become Jewish? Joel: No, they're saying that all Jews should accept Christian philosophy and remain Jewish. Tom: Oh, now I get it. DAMMIT, HEAD! EXPLODE ALREADY!!! > > [Picture: The A is enlarged. The center of the A contains a Jewish > Star. The center of the Jewish Star contains a cross.] Crow: So much for subtlety. Tom: Actually, it's a Venn Diagram. Christians are a subset of Jews, and Jews are a subset of the letter A. I CAN'T TAKE THIS, ANYMORE!!!! Joel: Calm down. Breathe. > And so, unless you want to be plagued by GOD, you'd better be nice to > the JEWS. Crow: When you think protection rackets, think Jews. Tom: You'd better be nice, 'cause this is a nice country ya got here, and we'd hate to see it hail here. Get my drift? > > Page 4: Tom: We've got to read the page over again? ALL: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > And while you are at it, Joel: Whew. It's just another typo. > don't forget one very special JEW named JESUS. > HE was the only perfect JEW that ever lived. All: [Mouths open in shock.] Crow: So... Would that be in contrast to all the perfect CHRISTIANS that ever lived? Tom: Even in text form, you can hear the tone that no other JEW ever came close. Joel: Major editing mistake or fruedian slip? You make the call. > He died to save all of > mankind. Crow: Sort of like the Terminator in T2. Tom: And unlike every other JEW. Apparently NONE of them cared about humanity. Joel: All right, we've made our point. > And He wants to give us all plague-free lives. Crow: So brush twice a day, and floss regularly. Get it? Instead of plaque-free lives? Tom: WHY IS MY HEAD TAKING SO LONG TO EXPLODE?!? Joel: It's almost over. Hang on. > > [Picture of frog bouncing.] > Frog: Croak! Joel: Bud. Crow: Wise. Tom: Er. Joel: It had to be done, folks. > > p.s. JEWS: BE nice to yourselves. Joel: Stop it with the Jewish Princess jokes. Tom: Think prideful thoughts. Buy something nice. Eat. Eat. Crow: Oh, and wear a sweater. > Don't think that you can foil God's > plans either, Tom: And so, after all long discussion about how Jews were here to promote God's plan, we're going to talk about how the Jews are subverting it. Crow: Apparently by holding a pogrom and burning their own houses. Joel: No, I think this deals with the "Jesus is the only perfect Jew because he's the only one who cared about humanity" comment. > accept JESUS as YOUR messiah. Crow: Is it all right if I make a joke about receiving a free gift? Joel: Hhhmmm. I guess so. Crow: How about if I relate it to the "Greatest Lover" comment? Joel: Not a chance. > Don't say NO! NO! to God. Tom: But wait a second. Even if Jesus was the Messiah, not accepting this wouldn't have anything to do with saying no to God.... Forget it. I don't care anymore. > YOU, most of all, should know it doesn't work. Tom: Don't talk to me. I'm bitter. Joel: Come on. It's almost over. It can't get any worse. > DAYENU Tom: Wanna bet. Crow: [Soup Nazi] You die, too. NEXT! > ('nuf said.) Joel: Y'all come back now, ya hear. > > Page 5: Tom: Oh, we're keeping the new numbering system. Crow: Hey, Joel. What's "Dayenu"? Joel: It's a Jewish Phrase. It means "It would have been enough." Crow: So it had nothing to do with this post. Hhhmmm. > > For further JEWISH wisdom, call or write MOISHE ROSEN Joel: Anyway, I think we've said all we can on this subject. Crow: So, if an ordering error caused only half of this brochure to be printed. Tom: Dayenu. > > Jews for Jesus ("o" replaced by Jewish star) Joel: No, the connotation is that if God did only a few of the things he does, it would still be good.... You guys aren't listening, so why am I still talking? > P.O. Box 6848 Tom: If the whole brochure was printed, but then all the brochures got lost in the mail. Crow: Dayenu. > Baltimore, MD 21285 Joel: How about this. If Jews for Jesus printed these brochures, but then threw them out because they realized they were underhanded. Bots: Dayenu. > 410 - 321 - 7105 All: [Singing] Day-day-enu. Day-day-enu. Day-day-enu. Dayenu, Dayenu. Dayenu. > > Jews for Jesus is a registered Trademark of Hineni Ministries. All: Day-day-enu. Day-day-enu. > Printed in U.S.A. BR-064 All: Day-day-enu. Dayenu, Dayenuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!! > [Picture of Heiroglyphic line. Jewish Star in Heiroglyphics.] > All: Dayenu! Joel: Come on, lets get out of here. [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Joel: Whew. That was some post, huh guys? [Tom and Crow walk in. They are both wearing hats that say "Humans for Data" on them. The "o" is replaced with a frisbee.] Tom: Hi, there. We'd like to talk to you about a way to save your soul and still keep your lifestyle. Joel: Huh? Crow: Yes, we'd like to talk to you about becoming a member of Messiah Ben Brent. Would you like to take a brochure? We spent 10 minutes on it. Joel: All right. Tom: Yes, I'd like to talk to you about why Commander Data is the Messiah. Then you can be a Human for Data just like us. Joel: But you're both robots. Crow: No, no, no. The supposedly mainstream Human community just wants you to think that we're robots. In fact, we're humans just like you. The only difference is that we've accepted the truth, and thus won't burn in hell like you will. Tom: The great thing about Data is that he's Human, just like you are. In fact, he was the only perfect HUMAN who ever lived. He gave us the perfect gift of new lives and new civilizations. And all he asks in return is that you love him. Crow: Yes, so you should love him. And remember that Data is the greatest lover. Except for me, of course. Tom: You wish. Joel: Well, I don't know.... Tom: All, we're trying to do is show you a different method of being human. In fact, the Bible tells us how Data was ordained to be the Messiah. Crow: Yes, we'd like to point out the begining of the bible. "And the Lord said 'Let there be lights.'" Since bodies of light weren't invented until three days later, and since light bulbs weren't invented until the late nineteenth century, we can only assume that he was inventing the Messiah, obviously in electric form. Joel: Obviously. Tom: So, how do we know that they were talking about Data? Well, if you take the numerical equivalent of "Yahweh", subtract the numerical equivalent of "Data" and multiply it by the cosine of "Lights" divided by "commander", you get the same answer as dividing "Brent Spiner" by "Moses" and mapping it on a transient loop. Joel: Wow, you really thought this through. Tom: So, all we're saying is that you accept what the Bible tells you and stop saying "NO! NO!" to Star Trek. If you accept what we tell you and change your entire philosophy, you can become a better HUMAN. Crow: AND YOU WILL STILL BE HUMAN, although we may insist that you enter the Roboticizer in order to be more human still. What do you think? Joel: [Takes the hats off the Bots.] I think you guys took these posts too much to heart. What do you think, sirs? [D13] Dr. F: A party? You threw a party after I told you not too? And look at this. It's still going on! Frank: [Signals to someone offstage.] Well, gee. It was only a few friends.... Dr. F: They broke a lamp, and a window.... And who's going to get the stains out of the carpet. Frank, you are in serious trouble! I'm thinking Roger Corman film festival trouble.... Bridget: [Runs onstage] Hey, handsome. Let's dance. [Pulls confused Dr. F offstage.] Frank: Well, you kids have fun. See you, Steve. [Smiles at SOL guys, winks, then presses button.] [Poof] Bridget: You are such a good dancer. Dr. F: All right, Frank. I'll let you live. For now. [Credits and Fade Out.] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters are trademarks of and copyright (c) 1994 by Best Brains, inc. Best Brains have absolutely no idea about this post, so don't call them up and complain. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks by Best Brains, inc., or Paramount Pictures, inc., is intended or should be inferred. This post is copyrighted (c) 1998 by Melvin Pollack. Use of this article or parts of this article for any purpose other than entertainment requires my permission. This post is for entertainment purposes, and was not designed to insult any particular person or group. Any and all offensive remarks are completely accidental. To any people or groups that are offended, I sincerely apologize and wish to stress that the offense was not intentional. This post is meant to criticize the brochures and the deceptive recruiting techniques of Jewish Misionary groups like Jews for Jesus. It is not meant to criticize the beliefs of Jews for Jesus, other Christian groups, or Humans for Data. Any religious slur was completely unintentional and will be removed if it is discovered later. Thanks goes to Jews for Jesus for allowing me to use their posts in this MiSTing. Their precise response, unedited, apears below. "11/21/97 9:03 AM Melvin...Thankyou for your E-Mail...and for holding on to our tracts as long as you have. That is impressive to us. Peter Rice, the Branch Manager, says you may use our material as long as you don't change the text or the art-work.We stand by everything we publish. You may use it on the Web or to give to a friend etc. Also, would it be possible to talk with you about your views on faith and God? Would it be possible to exchange phone numbers with you? Our phone # is 202-362-1312. Sorry for the delayed response, but Peter and the others were on tour in other states and returned just yesterday. We thankyou again for writing. God Bless you and Shalom! Jan at JFJ" The "Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability (ECFA) Web Page" can be found at "http://www.ecfa.org." Jews for Jesus information can be found by clicking on "Member List" and then doing a name search or clicking on "Evangelicalism." Other information can be found at Jews for Judaism at "http://www.jewsforjudaism.org/" Thanks goes to the following people, who helped edit this MiSTing: Kevin Gowen, Loren Haarsma, Scott Hillman, and Ruth M. McIlhenny. This post was written without causing pain to any animals. Void where prohibited. Post no bills. > Jews: OY VEY! OY VEY! OY VEY!