------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Dirk Dangerous" and a spam, by David Hines and a spammer MSTing by Shay Caron Part 2 of 3: "Dirk Dangerous, Space Hero", by Dave Hines [ INT SOL ] MIKE: And now, another nugget of joy from Crow! CROW: Ever wonder about toilets? You may have read somewhere that the water in your toilet is perfectly sanitary until it's used. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's *not* *true*!! They just take the same water you just used and put it back! Your dog knows this. You know how it drinks from the toilet and licks your face? That's 'cause he *hates* you! And another thing-- MIKE: [ quickly ] This has been a nugget of joy from Crow. [fade out...fade in] TOM: Now it's time for MST3K Storybook! Today's story is called "The Little Pink Monkey", and it was written by Shay, age 14. Wonder who that could be? "Once, in the heart of the African jungles--" CROW: Right next to the liver and lungs of the African jungles. TOM: Shut up, jerkface! I'm tellin' a story here! "Once, in the heart of the African jungles, there lived a little pink monkey; he was named Bob. All of the other monkeys made fun of him, because he was the only monkey that wasn't brown! One day he got a great idea: while all the other monkeys were sleeping, he went around and painted them pink! And they lived happily, and pinkishly, ever after." MIKE: That was a beautiful story, Tom. CROW: It stinks. TOM: Mi-i-ike? Crow's making fun of my story! MIKE: Crow, be nice to Tom. CROW: Whatever you say, fuzzy. [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] MIKE: D'oh, we got Dangerous Sign! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] TOM: [ during the door sequence ] I can never read any of my stories without you riffing them! CROW: Well, if they were any good, I might not be tempted! [ Everyone enters the theater. ] TOM: Oh, you're just no fun at all! CROW: I was just going to say that about you! > > Dirk Dangerous, Space Hero CROW: Dork Danger-to-Himself-and-Others, Space Weenie. > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 4 TOM: Of nine thousand, eight hundred and forty-six point three. > > J1231 Martin Gas Gun: As a result of the galactic nonviolence > movement in 4225, ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: I've lived on Earth for all but a few years of my corporeal life, and I can safely say that that will never happen. *Ever*. TOM: Hey, it is science *fiction*. > Martin Weaponry released the J1211 Martin Gas Gun > in 4230. TOM: I don't think this guy has a very good grasp of military time. > It was succeeded in 4240 by the J1221, and in 4245 by CROW: Queen Elizabeth II. > the > J1231 which is still the current version. The J1231 accomodates the > following capsules: Knockout Gas, Compressed Atmosphere (enough to > fill a cube 6 feet to a side of vacumn) MIKE: Did anyone here understand that? TOM: Um, as far as I, um, can tell, it says there's enough of a 6 foot cube to fill a side of a vak-um-nn. > , Liquid Nitrogen, Nitrous > Oxide, Sulphuric Acid (illegal on some planets), Narcotic > (illegal), and Poison Gas (highly illegal) mong ALL: [ snort ] CROW: Aloid? > others. It is a > good gun for those who don't want to kill someone. -- Brorby's > Weaponry Guide CROW: Well, what good is that? MIKE: My Power Bands could whoop that thing's butt. > > Dirk casually aimed the gun, and fired. CROW: Yeeesss!! > The holographic bullet > streaked into Iridiscia's chest and dissipated. CROW: D'oh! > "I think you're supposed to fall down, dying, now." > Iridiscia was visibly shaken. "Is that your idea of MIKE: [ Iridiscia ] A Sausage McBiscuit? > funny?" > "See? This proves my point. You're too soft to be in the > hostage rescue business." > That did it. TOM: DRAGON THUNDERZO... what? MIKE, CROW: [ hysterical with laughter ] > Iridiscia had had it up to here with this > know-it-all space jockey. She aimed a back round kick at his head, MIKE: Chun Li in space. > and Dirk had to dive to the floor to avoid near decaptitation. > "Hey! Whose side are you on?!" CROW: Apparently ours. > "'See? This proves my point. You're too soft to be in the > hostage rescue business.'" mimicked Iridiscia. TOM: [ mocking ] Mmm mmn nuh nuh, blah blah blah! > "OK. I give up. Except for one thing. You have to know how to > shoot." Dirk activated the practice target. CROW: That's sick! MIKE: You're sick. That's a practice target. > "Oh? You mean like this?" CROW: Great, they're gonna go at it in the cockpit! MIKE: That's more than enough out of you, mister! > And with that, Iridiscia started > firing dead on into the target. She registered 3rd Place on the > High Score board just behind a couple of Dirk's best performances. > "Was that good enough for you?" CROW: I'm glad I closed my eyes. TOM: Ya didn't miss much. > Dirk, who was doing a good imitation of a carp at this point, > gulped and managed to reply, "Um... yeah... that's... um... TOM: [ Dirk ] Crap... CROW: [ Dirk ] I'm dead... > adequate... I thought you said you said you couldn't use guns." > "Ship's guns, no... but I'm not a total idiot. I am trained in > small firearms. Survival skill these days." MIKE: What about it? > "Even in your income bracket?" > Iridiscia sighed. "Yeah." Agreeing with him was easier. "So, > where to?" TOM: To France. > "Where's your father's corporate offices?" > "Alpha Nau VII. Why?" > "That's our best lead. From what you've told me, if that board > of directors is innocent, then MIKE: That board of directors is innocent. > I'm a jaded princess who's never > known hardship in my life." > Iridiscia sharply elbowed him in the rib cage as she set the > course herself. > "Hey! Who gave you permission to touch my controls?" CROW: So that's the high-tech euphemism, eh? > "Stow it, Dirk. CROW: And the low tech. > I know how to set a course." > With that, the ship kicked into Mega Drive on the new course, > and warped to its destination. > As they kicked out of Mega Drive, a voice came on the radio > "Aylo Diirrrk." CROW: What, Halo Dirk? He's an angel? > Dirk smiled and answered the radio, "Nitrikal! Good to hear > from you again, you old lizard! Any new jobs out there?" > "Chuust TOM: Chuusy moms chuust Jif. > one. Ay've been awdered to keel you. Say Gudbye, ALL: GUDBYE!! > Diirrrk.", Nitrikal drawled as he shut down the connection. > "Oh man, we're in deep wasteproduct now." > "You do have interesting friends", said Iridiscia sarcastically. > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 5 MIKE: What, no "Part 5 soon" message? CROW: He's getting lax. Blast him! > > Iridiscium: Atomic Number 233, Discovered in 4192 by Herbert > Roques, Iridiscium was named for it's diamond like qualities. It > ranks as the fourth hardest substance known to man. CROW: Second only to adamantium, zygonfrioom, and Rush Limbaugh's butt. > It is the least > expensive to purchase and refine of the top ten hardest > substances. -- Bennett Intergalactic Informational Exchange > > BAWOOM! TOM: Excuse yourself! Geez! > "What was that?", asked Iridiscia, "According to the screen > here, he didn't come close to hitting us!" MIKE: Where? Where?! > "Plasma bolt. Can you do evasive manuevers while I man the guns?" > "Yes, I just can't man the guns myself. I thought plasma bolt > guns were illegal!" CROW: Oh, since when do bounty hunters follow the law? > "Oh, and bounty hunters suddenly have a concern for the law?", CROW: Aaargh... > asked Dirk. Iridiscia seemed chastened as she brought the ship > relative down to avoid a plasma bolt. > Bawoom! TOM: Gesundheit. > "Good job, toots! That one wasn't as hard!" > "My name is not 'toots'!" > "I know. It's Iridiscia Whoa." ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > Iridiscia sighed in response as Dirk powered up the gunnery > chair. > "Alright, lizard, my turn." Dirk said, fulfilling his heroic > cliche quota for a while. Dirk carefully took aim and fired. CROW: [ French accent ] Say hello to my little friends! > No effect. CROW: [ French accent ] Oh, crap. Hang on. > Nitrikal's slimy voice came onto the radio, "Nawt Smawrt, TOM: Heeey! I'm smawrt! You take that back! > Diirrkk. Biznuss haz beeen gud latly. Got Eeriedism awrmor on dis > ting now" MIKE: [ Nitrikal ] Eeriedism awrmor iz gud! > "Iridiscium?", said Iridiscia under her breath. "Dirk? Can you > take over evasive from the chair? I have a plan!" > "Great. My life depends on one of ditz princess's plans." a > little louder he said CROW: [ Dirk ] Bite me. > "Sure thing. The guns are ineffectual on that > stuff anyway." > BAWOOM! MIKE: Somebody needs to cut back on the beans! > Steadying herself against a nearby wall until the explosion ran > out, Iridiscia ran aft to complete her plan. > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 6 MIKE: Pick up sticks. > > Antimatter: A principle of basic physics, antimatter is the only > known source powerful enough to power a Dracoon Mega Drive, which > normally carries 6 magnetic "bottles", CROW: Bottles of-- MIKE: I don't want to know what you're thinking. > but can run on just 1. It > derives its power from a controlled intermix with normal matter. > Uncontrolled intermixings result in catastrophic explosions with > seemingly inconsequential amounts. BOTS: Hee hee hee... TOM: We need some of that up on the Satellite! > Antimatter is the only known > force that can penetrate Turbinium, Iridiscium, Frallium and > Pornecium. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh-heh, PORN!! MIKE: Crow! CROW: [ defensively ] What? It was just too good to pass up! > -- Bennett Intergalactic Informational Exchange > > "Yu know, Diiirk. Thees is fun. I shud keel my old friends more > often!" CROW: That's my motto! > Dirk turned a hard starboard as another near miss rocked the > ship. He muttered obscenities under his breath. MIKE: Narf! TOM: Antidisestablishmentarianism! CROW: Oh, poopie! > BAWOOM! MIKE: Someone needs a Mylanta! > "Nitrikal, you slime! You don't know what friendship means! > You'd sell out your own mother!" > "Soo? What ees wrawng weeth that?" TOM: Antoine? > BAWOOM! > Just then, Iridiscia ran back up the forward compartment. > "Shug! Don't you know what 'evasive manuevers' mean?" TOM: Ooh, I know! It means "to maneuver evasively"! > "This is supposed to be your job! What were you doing back > there? Powdering your nose?" > Iridiscia ignored him. "Engage weaponry system B." > "Weaponry system B?! I have no weaponry system B!" > "You do now. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > Now shut up and be careful. You only have one > shot. But hold while I make some preparations here." With that, > Iridiscia began to program in the Mega Drive. > "What the heck are you doing? He can outrun us, you know." BOTS: Good. > "I know that. I'm engaging us for a short hop, that's all we'll > need. Go in for a close broadsides." > "Who put you in command here? This is my ship!" MIKE: He's kind of a wussy captain. CROW: Dork Dangerous, Space Wimp! > "And if you want to keep it from being your space flotsam, > listen for a change!" TOM: OK. [ pause ] There! That was a change, wasn't it? > Dirk's reply was interrupted before he started by another > BAWOOM! Dirk saw no other alternative and went in for the close MIKE: Haircut. > broadsides Iridiscia wanted. > "Oh, cum awn, Diiirk! Mayke thees at leest a challenge!" CROW: What fun would that be? Oh. Never mind. I see. > "Steady... steady...", Iridsicia intoned. TOM: [sic] MIKE: How'd you do that? TOM: Like this: [sic] MIKE: Oh, thank you *so* much. > "I know how to fire", said Dirk in an annoyed voice. With that > he drove the switch home, and Iridiscia temporarily engaged the > Mega Drive. TOM: [ nervously ] Um, pow? > "AAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!!!!" TOM: Oh. That'll work. > , screamed Nitrikal as his ship went up > in a tremendous explosion. > "Holy... what was that?", gulped Dirk in amazement. CROW: It was Holy, idiot. > "Antimatter", came Iridiscia's reply, as if this were an > everyday thing for her. "Loaded a bottle into the escape pod and > crosscircuited the escape pod mechanism into the empty weaponry > system B" MIKE: Technobabble! Whoopee! > "You made me blow my escape pod?! I had that thing perfectly > tuned!" > "I'll buy you a new one once we rescue my father." > "Once we...?!", Dirk sputtered, "We have no escape pod now! MIKE: [ glaring at bots ] I know what *that's* like. BOTS: [ nervous chuckling ] > If > the ship goes, we're dead!" > "Look. Can't be helped. Let's just land." > Dirk brought the Valkrie's Envy down onto the surface of Alpha > Nau VII, right outside the Dracoon corporate offices. TOM: [ executive ] Heeey! That's my private parking space! > "Who are we seeing here?" > "Jason 'Buddy' Hernandez, executive VP" MIKE: Of wedgies! > "OK. Now let me handle this. I'm good at this part." > Dirk strode intensely into the corporate office level, past > Hernandez's secretary. > "Hey! You can't go in there!", protested the secretary. TOM: [ Dirk ] Oh yeah? Just watch me! > Dirk tried the door, TOM: [ Dirk ] See? Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! > found it was locked TOM: [ Dirk ] Huh. Well, whaddaya know? She was right! > and fired a liquid > nitrogen capsule at the knob. The frozen knob broke off instantly, > revealing a plush office. > "OK, Hernandez, you're going to tell us what we want to know." > "Um... Dirk..." CROW: Cliché approaching... > "Quiet. I can make sure this guy goes to lala land for the next > few days if he doesn't cooperate." > "Uh... Dirk... I really think this is important..." CROW: Cliché almost here... > "What is it? It better be good!" > Iridiscia simply pointed to a half dozen towering security > guards, all armed. > "Um... Yeah... this qualifies...", stammered Dirk CROW: Ah! There you are, cliché! What took ya? > > Part 7 coming soon MIKE: Ah, the "next part will be here soon" message. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 7 > > ALPHA NAU VII: TOM: Alpha Now Seven! Alpha Now Seven! Alpha Now Seven! Hee hee hee! > As the name would indicate, Alpha Nau VII is the > seventh planet in the binary Nau system, orbitting the primary > star. This, in itself, makes the planet unusual, MIKE: Um, so? Why should we be interested? > being one of the > few class M planets located in a binary star system. It was found > in the year 4330 by Marcus Nau TOM: Um, gesundheit! > (whom the system was named after) of > the Church of Wyz. MIKE: [ little kid ] I hafta Wyz. > Half of the planet was then purchased by Dracoon > Industries for the enormous solar energy potential of the planet. CROW: And the half-naked babes. > It remains the main headquarters for the Church. -- Bennett > Intergalactic Informational Exchange > > "Ok, toots, stand back, I'll take care of this." > "Um... Dirk...", ignoring his calling her toots for the time > being. > "Later", Dirk snapped. > With that, Dirk whipped out his J1231 CROW: Ewwww! > and went to fire at the > nearest guard. The guard whipped it out of his hand easily, ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > and > threw it a good 10 feet behind. CROW: Behind what? > "Hey!", cried Dirk in a stupid sounding voice. He knew that gun > might as well have been 10 miles away. He tried the only other tack > he could think of, he punched the security guard as hard as he could. > KRUNK! MIKE: [ flinches ] Ouch! That sounded very painful. CROW: Glad I don't have nerves. > "Owwww!", cried Dirk in pain, luckily the hand wasn't broken. > "Shug, that really hurt! MIKE: [ Cartman ] That's what *I* said! > What are these guys?" > "That's what I was trying to tell you. They're Karagites." TOM: I knew a girl named Kara Gites in school once. She played a cello. Ended up dying in a bungee jumping accident. > "Karagites?! What'd you go and let me do that for then?" > "2 reasons. One, you wouldn't let me tell you, and two, it was > pretty funny." TOM: WAH HAH HAH HAH!! Wah hah ha hah... oh, man! CROW: Not that funny. > "Iri?", said Hernandez, pronouncing it "eerie", "It is you! MIKE: How Iri! > What are you doing here?" > Dirk, for his part, nursed his hurt hand as he looked on. > "You know this guy?", he demanded. CROW: [ Iridiscia ] No, he just calls everyone "Iri". YES, I know him!! > "Sure. Buddy's been daddy's best friend ever since they started > the company." > "You could've told me all this, you know." MIKE: Whyyy? > "Yeah, I COULD'VE, but like I said, it was funny." > Dirk just glared at her. TOM: [ Dirk ] Doodyhead. > "Security guards, you're dismissed! False alarm." > "Yes, Mr. Hernandez", said the Karagites in an incredibly deep > monotone. CROW: You-will-be-assimilated. TOM: Do-you-want-fries-with-that? > "Hey, don't I even get an apology?", Dirk called out as he > picked up his gun. > "Now, Iri, what can I do for you? You know we're very busy > investigating your father's disappearance." > "That's what we're doing ourselves. We need some information." MIKE: How do they get the ink inside these pens? > "Well, there's not much information out there, we--" > Hernandez was suddenly cut off as Dirk lifted him by his lapels. > "OK, Hernandez, we know you know something. Talk!" CROW: [ Hernandez ] Well, I know you know I know something. TOM: [ Dirk ] Oh yeah? I know you know I know you know something! CROW: [ Hernandez ] Er, I know you know I know you know I know something. TOM: [ Dirk ] Well, I know you know you know I... um... I forgot what we know. CROW: [ Hernandez ] Me too. MIKE: The "I Know You Know" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > "Dirk! Put him down!", cried Iridiscia. > "You know, I can call back those security guards with just a > push of a button.", Hernandez snidely TOM: Whiplash! > reminded him. > "Oh, really? Can you push the button over here?!", on the word > "here", TOM: He did an entertaining jig! > Dirk dragged Hernandez to the window and hung him out of it. > "DIRK!" MIKE: [ Iridiscia ] Your pants are on backwards!! > "Now, we just want to know one thing. Where was Taurus when he > was kidnapped?" > "H-H-Hopkins' World", Hernandez stuttered. TOM: I had a gym teacher named Hopkins once. She was kinda old. > "Thanks. Keep in touch.", Dirk said as he eased Hernandez back > inside the window, and left. Iridiscia followed angrily. CROW: [ Iridiscia ] Idiot! How *dare* you get the information we needed! > "Dirk! That was unnecessary! He would have cooperated!" > "Maybe, but I just don't trust him." MIKE: [ Dirk ] Maybe it's the evil grin. TOM: [ Dirk ] It might be his loud, malicious laugh. > Meanwhile back in the office, Hernandez hit a button and > barked "Mangra, intraplanet line!" > "Yes, sir." came the response of the secretary. Hernandez > punched in a code number he seemed to know by heart. CROW: [ Hernandez ] H-E-A-R-T! > "Yeah, they were here," Hernandez said with no preamble. > "Are they on their way to Hopkins'" TOM: Look out! She'll make you do push-ups! > "Yeah, I sent them." > "Good, we'll be waiting. You know what to do." > Hernandez seemed to be sweating as the connection was broken. > He pushed another button on his desk. MIKE: And launched the bombs. > "Security", the deep monotonic voice replied. > "The two people that were just here, you are to let them go for > now, but if they ever return, you are to kill them. No warning." > "No warning, yes sir." > > Part 8 coming sometime this century CROW: And I was so hopeful. > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 8 > > Record JF32SD532E3F: TOM: I don't have anything to add to that. > Subject: Dracoon, Iridiscia > Race: Human, Earth origin MIKE: So is she a self-insertion character? CROW: Of who? David Hines? MIKE: Never mind. > Arrests: 0 > Indictments: 0 > Convictions: 0 > Outstanding Warrants: None > Weapons Permits: None CROW: Well, then what fun is she? > Note: Subject displays abnormal weapon talent for one of subject's social class CROW: Oo, that'd be fun. > -- Tyler Police Data Network > > "I still say you were a little rough on him." > "I had a bad day. You let me punch a Karagite." > "Yes, but that was funny." TOM: WAH HAH HAH HAH!! Wah hah ha hah... ho, boy! CROW: Shut up. > Dirk and Iridiscia bickered a little more, CROW: You sound like an old married couple. MIKE: Actually, that's probably how the story'll end. CROW: Ackpth! > then the > conversation faded for a few minutes. > "OK, I have the Mega Drive set up, but with the distance of > Hopkins' world, it's going to be a while. I'm going to take a nap. > Wake me if anything happens." TOM: [ Dirk ] Like if the ship explodes. I'll probably wanna know about that. > "SOME hero...", muttered Iridiscia under her breath. > "Hmm? You say something?" > "Who? Me? Never..." MIKE: [ Iridiscia ] I've never spoken in my entire life! > With that, Dirk settled down to sleep. Iridiscia ran a routine > visual check over the panel, and settled back to think. > > FLASHBACK 1 MIKE: Shades of Rangers of NIMH! > > "I swear, if I can't go to the Ionshift concert, I am going to > mortalize, Daddy." > Taurus chuckled inwardly, reminded of another youth he once knew. > "Don't get so melodramatic, Iri... You're only 14." MIKE: Hey, that's our MSTer's age! CROW: So? Why should we care? MIKE: Beats me. I just read the script. > "Well, in Fradasian years, I'm twelve thousand, six hundred and > forty eight..." TOM: So in one Earth year, Fradasia goes around its star 903.43 times. That's 2 and a half times every day. MIKE: I don't believe Dave thought this out too carefully. > "Yes, and in Fradasian years, I'm older than I want to > contemplate. Well... you haven't started any major wars, CROW: [ Taurus ] This week. > so I guess > so." and Taurus opened up his wallet, and gave a few credit notes > to his daughter. "Do you want Ennasus to drive you down here?" > "No, I can get a ride with Mybbie." ALL: [ snicker ] > "Ah, yes... I remember her. Poor girl has to go through life > with the name of 'Molybdenum'." ALL: [ double-snicker ] > "Just don't mention that name around her, or she'll adren." ALL: [ and, of course, triple-snicker ] > "You and your friends seem to adren easily." > "DADDY!" > "OK, I'll stop teasing. CROW: When did he start? > Have fun at the concert..." > "I will..." > With that, Iridiscia left to go to the concert. TOM: True to her word, she leaves to go to the concert. > > "C'mon Mybbie, where are you?!" Iridiscia was fuming. Mybbie > was supposed to be there hours ago. Iridiscia was sure she'd missed > the first part of the concert already. MIKE: Of course, she's also sure that her invisible dog ate the teacher. > A clattering sound attracted > her attention. > "Mybbie? Is that you?" Iridiscia looked towards the clattering > shape. Her mind told her "gas grenade" TOM: [ mind ] Um, gas grenade! Hello? > just as she went unconcious. > > "Well, at least they released the other girl, Taur." > "I suppose the other parents are grateful of that, Buddy, but CROW: [ Taurus ] I don't give a beaver. > I'd still like Iridiscia back." > "You can't be considering capitulating to their demands!", said > Jason Hernandez, aka Buddy, VP of the company, referring to the > recent demand for 1,000,000,000,000,000 ALL: ...000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000... > credits from the terrorists. > "Of course I'm not. I know how terrorists are... we'll have to > get her out another way." TOM: Magic pixie dust? > > In the headquarters of the terrorists, the order came down: > "Dracoon has not paid the ransom! Kill the girl!" BOTS: Yesss!! MIKE: Remember, this is just a flashback. BOTS: D'oh! > > Part 9 should be sooner than part 8 was. TOM: Aw, man! The guy leaves no respite!! > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 9 > > The Church of Wyz: Established in 3874, the Church of Wyz has grown > to become the 34th most followed religion in the known galaxy. MIKE: And I'm gonna tell you all 33 of the other ones for no good reason! > The > basic doctrine of the Church of Wyz states that their god, known > as "Wyz", created the universe for the entertainment of his fellow > gods. In 3950, the church was taken over by the Nau Dynasty, and > began a slow descent into TOM: Sausage McBiscuits with syrup! > evil. TOM: Awww. I like Sausage McBiscuits with syrup. > The Church of Wyz is recognized > currently as a cult by the Republic. The Interstellar Republic > Travel Society recommends avoiding the Church of Wyz at all costs, > as they have shown no aversion from killing to accomplish their > goals. -- Brorby's Guide to Religion > > "Kidnap the girl, then kill the girl. It seems so pointless." MIKE: Except for the ones on their heads. > said the first guard. > "Yeah, but 'For the greater glory of the Wyz' and all that." > Both guards snickered. The catchphrase had been archaic for the > last century. The "church" had been run more like a terrorist > organization than a religion. CROW: Religion sucks. Go, terrorists!! MIKE: Crow!! > "Y'know something, I bet they won't care what shape the girl is > in, as long as she's dead." > "What are you getting at?" > "We haven't seen a woman around here for months now. What say > we have a little... fun..." TOM: [ guard ] We can play Monopoly with her! CROW: That isn't exactly what they meant. TOM: Chess? CROW: No... > The second guard only smiled cruelly as visions of this sick > plan went through their heads. They reached the door to Iridiscia's > cell. > "Oh, little girl," the first guard called, "time to play a > little... TOM: I know! Day of the Tentacle! CROW: NO!! > hey! Where is she?!" ALL: [ various calls--"Iri?" "Yoo-hoo!" "Now where'd she get to?" ] > The point soon became moot to the guard as young Iridiscia > leaped down from the air vent she'd been holding onto. ALL: Oh. > It was too > small to escape through, but it made a good ambush setup. She > focused her weight squarely on the head of the first guard, riving TOM: Is that supposed to be "riveting"? CROW: I'd be riveted if a woman was on my head. > his skull to the floor. ALL: [ crunch crack shatter ] > The guard sagged unconcious. These were > guards in the duty considered least dangerous. They were no match > for Iridiscia in the angered state she was in. CROW: [ Slappy Squirrel ] Thank you, Mr. Exposition. > Before the second > one could react, Iridiscia caught him with a fist to the throat. As > he gagged pathetically, TOM: [ guard ] Yer armpit stinks! > she kneed him to the stomach, and rammed > his head into the wall. She grabbed the handlasers and the keycards > of the guards. In a bit of caprice, TOM: Gesundheit. CROW: "Caprice". We're dealing with a genius author here! MIKE: Is that sarcasm? I can never tell with you. > she locked the door and > forcefield on them. > "That's for making me miss the Ionshift concert!" MIKE: It's just an Ionshift to the left! > Iridiscia > fumed. It was time to settle this. She knew where the control room > was from when she had originally been abducted. These goofballs had > kidnapped her friend, but she knew Mybbie had been released. She > headed for the control room with vengeance in her thoughts. CROW: And coffee on her breath. MIKE, TOM: Huh? > Iridiscia stormed through the door. "Alright, you fallout > rejects, petrify!" she screamed in her best "Holovision Cop" voice. > The apparent leader turned around with a sneer on his face. "So > our little heroine mounts a jailbreak. Too bad for you, though. Oh, > boys..." > A circle of hooded men with rifles surrounded the pair. "Shug!" > sweared Iridiscia. [ pause ] CROW: So that's it? TOM: Pearl did say it was unfinished. CROW: Well, let's get lost, then! MIKE: And remember: cucumber spelled backwards is rebmucuc! CROW: Whatever. [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 2 of 3 Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com -or- gleemoth@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------