>The barely perceptible movement of > >his larynx as he swallowed. >The almost sculptured point where his > >neck met his clavicle. The >blue trace of a vein through his biceps. FORRESTER: The way his spine twisted in unusual ways. > "Besides, Princess, " he said, "you're too stubborn to let the > >Empire win." MIKE: That's the Fighting Irish spirit, right there. > Her neck and shoulders spasmed at this comment. > > > "You're having real trouble there, aren't you?" Han asked. TOM (Han): I'l just put a spoon in your mouth so you won't bite your tongue off. >"I > >can fix that." > > > Leia raised an eyebrow. "I bet you can." > > > He grinned. "No, really, I can" > > > He was halfway down the bunk before she could protest. CROW: No more wimpy chips! MIKE: I haven't seen that commercial in years. CROW: You haven't seen *any* commercial in years. > "Han, I don't think...." > > > "C'mon, Leia. Trust me," he reasoned, now next to her, >his > >knee touching hers. Reluctance riddled her face TOM (booming): You need to Oxycute them! > as he guided her in > >front of >him. With her back towards him, he placed his long legs on > >either >side of her and pulled her a little closer. Leia clasped her arms > > >across her chest. > > > "Besides, I don't bite," he said, gathering her hair to one >side and draping it over the front of her shoulder. "Not unless you >want me to." MIKE: Release the hounds! > "Very droll, Han - ow!" She gasped as he began >massaging > >her narrow shoulders. Part of her enjoyed the touch of >his hands, but > >her stomach swirled with uncertainty. > > > "Boy, are you tense." His fingers kneaded the knots in her > >muscles. "Relax, will ya. I promise I'll be on my best >behaviour." FORRESTER: That's not saying much. > "Since when have you behaved yourself?" CROW: In court. > She tried to relax but she was very aware of how this would > > >look if Threepio or Chewbacca happened by, TOM (C3PO): Oh my. You go girl. > and of how close she > >was sitting next to him. His legs almost touched her sides. Leia > > >quickly reached over and touched the remote to close the door. MIKE: But it's a Sears brand so it jammed half way closed. > > "Why, Princess," Han said in mock horror. "This is so >sudden." > > She elbowed him gently in the ribs and explained, "This >doesn't look right." > > > "Feels great at this end. Now, relax." FORRESTER: You know, I didn't need to know that. CROW: Who did? > "I'm trying to," she said, but her arms remained firmly >wrapped > >around her body. > > > "Here." He stopped massaging her shoulders and took >hold of MIKE: Forget it, Crow. CROW: I didn't even say anything! >her arms. "Just let go for a minute." He managed to >unwrap her arms > >and got her to place her hands in her lap. He >returned to massaging her > >shoulders. "There. That's better." > > And she had to admit, it was. His fingers worked into the >stress > >she had built up in her shoulder muscles, stretching and >smoothing it away. TOM: What is she taffy all of a sudden? > His hands were warm and strong through the >fabric of the shirt. > >She closed her eyes as the tension ebbed away. > > > "Han, why have you stayed with the Alliance for such a >long time?" MIKE (Han): It's a publicity stunt. > From behind her he said, "You pay well. Any self- >respecting > >smuggler wouldn't pass this up. FORRESTER (Leia): Like I said, why have you been with the Alliance this long? CROW: Nothing like going the groin, huh Clay? > And I've been at a bit >of a lose end. > >You must admit, when you've got a price on your >head you don't stand > >out as much if you hide amongst an outlawed >organization where everyone > >is wanted." TOM: And where *everyone* is going to be hunted down! Is it just me or is his logic somehow flawed? > "No other reason?" She could even hear the >disappointment in > >her voice herself. MIKE (Han): Well, Luke is kind of cute... CROW: Mike, no! > His fingers moved up to her neck, crunching against her >neck vertebrae. FORRESTER: Did he learn massage therapy by watching "Pod People?" BOTS: (Make a crunching sound.) > "Give me some time." His tone sounded like a >promise. > >"I'm sure I can up with something." ALL: Whoa-ho! MIKE: I'm sure it's not what the author meant to say. CROW: Doesn't matter. Han's gonna get some! > His thumbs slid down her neck, following the curve so that >he > >was massaging the bare skin of her shoulders, his hands pushing >past > >the loose collar of the shirt. An involuntary shiver passed >through her as > >his fingers moved tantalizingly down her shoulder >blades, up over the top > >of her shoulders and ever so slightly across >the top of her chest. MIKE: Not since Rutger Hauer's performance in "Flesh and Blood" has there been a scene so ripe with sensuality. > Leia cleared her throat. TOM: (Hacking and spitting noise.) > "So, is there anyone back on >Corellia > >wondering why you haven't written, why you haven't >called?" CROW: A man who calls 1-800-COLLECT is a man who cares. > "No." His answer was soft and unaggressive, but not >detached > >as she would have expected from him when discussing >his personal life. > > Her head lolled sideways as she arched her neck, ALL: It's Jan in the Pan. > her arms > >touching his knees, and she rested her hands on his knee caps as >she TOM: ...Transmogrified into a raging hellbeast and devoured Han right there. >absorbed the strength he rubbed into her shoulders. Her >fingertips > >brushed against the red piping on his trousers and she >glanced down. > > > "This is a Corellian Bloodstripe, right?" CROW: Is that a mixed drink, Mike? MIKE: You got me. > She'd heard of >the > >infrequently awarded military decoration but had never met >anyone who > >had won it. She had suspected for some time that this >is what the red > >piping on his trousers signified but had never had >any reason or excuse > >for asking him if it was. FORRESTER: How about just idle conversation? You know, she's about as warm as a night on Hoth. > Han's hands continued their work. "Yeah." He'd moved >closer > >to her and she felt his breath against the bare skin of her >neck. > > "You don't get one just for keeping your nose clean." MIKE (Leia): So stop picking it. > "No." His response was almost muffled as he softly kissed >the > >nape of her neck. > > Leia initially bristled at the unfamiliar caress, but he kissed >her > >neck again and her body tingled with an unknown pleasure. CROW: Flossing? >She closed > >her eyes in anticipation of another touch from his lips. >His hands were still > >on her shoulders, lightly holding her steady, >and he placed his open mouth > >further up her neck. A sensual >pleasure stirred deep within her. MIKE: You know what this scene needs? A little mood music. Hey, Magic Voice? MAGIC VOICE: Yes, Mike? MIKE: How about a little romantic music. MAGIC VOICE: No problem. (All of a sudden, "Closer to God" starts to play.) MIKE: No! Uh, Magic Voice? How about something a little, uh, softer. MAGIC VOICE: Oh, okay. ("Strangers in the Night" fills the moive theater.) MIKE: Much better. > She felt him edge closer so that his thighs nearly gripped >her, > >and he eased her shoulders back against his chest. His breath >was hot > >and sweet against her ear and she squirmed with >enjoyment. MIKE: (Music still playing.) Nothing like a little mood music. TOM: Yeah, good call Mike. > "Do you want me," he whispered, "to stop?" > > She slowly turned in his arms, found herself leaning against >him, > >her hands flat on his chest. He was staring at her intensely. CROW (Spartacus): I've never been with a woman before. >She'd never > >felt like this before, never yearned to taste a man's >lips against hers, TOM: Tastes like chicken. > to be > >held and caressed. It was as though he had >awakened a part of her that > >had been buried away behind the guise >of princess and senator. FORRESTER: She's definitely not U.S. Congress material. > Tentatively at first, her hand traced the line of his freshly >shaved > >jaw, the scar across his chin. He kissed her fingers as they >brushed > >against his lips, and she shivered again with desire. He >copied the > >:movement of her hand, his rough fingers warm around >her oval face. > >He touched her lips, then leaned down and kissed >her softly. She > >responded to the taste of his mouth and moved >deeper into his embrace. TOM: And now the image of the Millennium Falcon flying through a tunnel. >His reaction to her eagerness was >immediate. His tongue moved slickly > >into her mouth, and he >rolled her onto her back as he turned onto his side > >and leant down over her, all the while his mouth locked against hers. MIKE: There may not be a plot, but the romance scenes are pretty good. TOM: Maybe this is Daniel Steele working in cognito. > Leia > >was >momentarily overwhelmed by his sudden movements, but his lips > > >were back against her neck, her ear, obscuring any doubts she had. >This > >was bliss, FORRESTER: Choco-bliss. > she thought dreamily as he nuzzled her ear. > > > He ran a hand through her hair as the other cupped her >breast > >through the shirt. Leia's back and neck arched with >pleasure, and his > >tongue licked agonizingly slowly up the length of >her throat. CROW: Causing her to choke to death. > She moaned > >softly. It was as if she was floating, >almost as if her spirit had detached > >itself from her physical body >and she was drifting through space and time. MIKE: She's having an acid flashback. TOM: Is that what love is? FORRESTER: Yeah, is it? (Everyone looks at him.) >She had never >wanted anything so much as she wanted this now, not with > >any >man ever. Not even with Luke. (All of a sudden, the music that was playing screeches to a halt and everyone jerks forward.) MIKE: Tell me she did not say that. > Luke. MIKE: She did! CROW (Leia): Han, can Luke get in on a little menage a trois with us. TOM: Oh, evil Crow! Evil Crow! > It hit her like a blow to the stomach. Something wasn't >right. > >There was a terrible, foreboding presence that ebbed >towards her. > >A dark blot in the pleasure she was experiencing. >Yet she couldn't > >determine the source. MIKE (Leia): Oh yeah, that's my conscience. Heh heh. > Was it the situation, the >future or Han? > > > Han. ALL: Choose Han! For the love of God. > What in the stars was she doing? This wasn't the way she > >wanted it to be. Not her first time. Not with someone she didn't > >couldn't - love. TOM: That does it. Cindy's been guessing the whole way through. > Not with a smuggler. On his ship. In his bunk. >How > >many women had he seduced and brought back to his cabin? >How > >many women had he made love to in this bunk? Made love. >But it wasn't > >love. It was just pure sex to someone like Solo. He >didn't love her and > >she definitely did not love him. How could >she love someone like him? CROW: Talk about a mood swing. >She'd wanted her first time to be >special, TOM: Well, I guess your brother would be something special. MIKE: Bad call, Tom. > to be with someone she loved in > >some romantic location. >This way she would be just another conquest to > >him, another notch >on his gun belt. And how could she possibly face him > >again if she >continued? How could she face herself? How could she >face >Luke? CROW: Please, don't say that name again. > Luke. CROW: AAAHHHH! TOM (Yoda): Luke, your sister wishes to sleep with you she does. > Something was wrong. MIKE: And a distant spark of a conscience lit the darkness that was her id. > Leia opened her eyes as she realized that Han had pulled > > >away from her. His eyes were downcast and he could not hide the > > >disappointment etched across his face. > > > "Don't worry, Leia," he said quietly as he removed his >hands from her breast and hair. "We don't have to do anythin' >you don't wanna do." FORRESTER: I think you better be concerned with what she *wants* to do. > Leia frowned. Had he read her thoughts? She propped >herself > >up on her elbows as he sat upright, and realized how stiff >and tense her > >body had become again. No, he'd read her body. MIKE: She's a Heinlein novel. > He swung his legs off the bunk and turned his back towards >her. > >"I'll leave you alone," he said as he stood up. "I won't >bother you again." > > The hurt in his voice hit her almost as hard as the >foreboding > >presence she had felt earlier. Confused as to why she >felt this way, Leia > >grabbed his wrist. FORRESTER: And crushed it. > "Don't leave, Han," she said. She didn't want to him go. >A moment ago she had thought she wanted him to leave. But now >he actually was.....why did he confuse her so much? TOM: Because he's a chemistry professor, that's why! > "Please. >Just stay for a while longer." > > He glanced down at her. "Are you sure that's what you >want?" > > The words left her mouth before she had time to analyze >his question. "Yes." CROW: It's not that complicated. > Those damn hazel eyes stared deep into her again. MIKE: Damn them, damn them to hell! > Her >hand > >moved down his wrist and took his palm in hers. The corner >of his mouth > >twitched up into a half-smile as she drew him back >onto the bunk. Still > >holding her hand, he sat down next to her and >stretched his legs down the > >length of the bunk. Leia instinctively >snuggled up to his warm body and > >he placed his arm around her >shoulders. The bad feeling she'd before > >felt was gone. There >was only herself and Han. FORRESTER: Boy, romance with her is like a game of hot potato. > "No takin' advantage of me now, Princess," he lamely >joked. > > > > Something was tickling Leia's nose. CROW (panicked): Get these spiders off of me! > She sleepily twitched >her > >nose, drifted back to sleep. Then it tickled her again. She >moved her > >hand up to rub at her face and felt warm skin beneath >her fingers. TOM: Well, we guess. > She > >awoke with a start and raised her head slightly. > > > In the darkness of the cabin, she realized that she had fallen > > >asleep in Han's arms, her head resting against his chest. The last >thing > >she remembered was MIKE: ...Was standing over the body with the knife in her hand. > that she had been talking to him - >actually talking > >to him FORRESTER: Huh, you've trained him well. > - describing her life on Alderaan before she >had become a senator. CROW (dippy Leia): Well, I couldn't decide between a career in acting or as an assistant to an orthopedic surgeon but this guy I know got me an audition for a stand-in role in this Japanese film called "Karakatee" or something like that and I know I'm not ready for my own feature film and all but still... (He stops as he notices everyone glaring at him.) Sorry. >And as he had listened to her, he'd shown >genuine interest in what she'd > >said. FORRESTER (bored Han): Umm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Very interesting. Zzzzzzz. > Somewhere in there she'd >obviously grown tired and had drifted off > >to sleep. Now she lay >pressed up next to him, his arms around her, his > >head to one side as >he softly snored. TOM: No, no. The snorring you hear is from us. > Leia absently rubbed his chest hairs between her fingers >and laid > >her head down. The hairs on his chest tickled at her face >again and she > >wriggled slightly in his arms. MIKE: They're definitely not human hairs. They're more like, *insect.* > The movement >disturbed Han's sleeping > >pattern enough to rouse him. Leia >quickly closed her eyes, and > >pretended to be asleep. Han gently >stroked her hair, kissed the top of > >her head, then drifted back to >sleep. MIKE: Oh no! Chain yawn approaching. (He yawns. Then everyone else does.) CROW: Damn you, Nelson. > Leia smiled. This was right. Somehow, this felt right. >The > >Princess and the Smuggler. TOM: Stanley and Iris. CROW: Franky and Johnny. MIKE: Thelma and Louise. FORRESTER: More like Angels and Insects. > She chuckled to herself. >Sounded like > >some third rate holovid. ALL: It is. > She listened to his heart beating slow and strong, and a > > >peace settled over her as she hovered between consciousness > >and >sleep. TOM: As well as hell and damnation. > Then a hollow sunk into the pit of her stomach. > > > She was going to lose him. CROW (Leia): That damn floozy in apartment 318 is hitting on my man! > She knew he wasn't hers to begin with, but she had a >terrible > >feeling about what lay ahead. MIKE: Interesting that she refers to the future with a present tense verb. > She mentally shrugged. Maybe it was just the fact that he > >would be leaving as soon as they rendezvoused with the rest of the > > >Rebel fleet. FORRESTER: Well, maybe if you checked your rear-view mirror every once and a while you'd see Boba Fett following you! > She knew that. He'd told her that before, both on >Hoth and tonight as they'd shared their lives with one another. >And she > >doubted that he'd ever return to the Alliance once he left. >But she > >knew all this. This is what she had come to expect from >him. TOM: Fear, pain and hopelessness. It's what all women should feel about their men. > Then why did she feel so sad? (Everyone leans forward in anticipation of finding out.) > > > > CROW: That's it? MIKE: "Shine" had a more exciting ending than this. TOM: Let's go. (Everyone gets up to leave.) FORRESTER: I don't know? I kind of liked it. MIKE & BOTS: Shut up! 0...2...3...4...5...6...* FORRESTER: Well, guys. For not turning me in to mother. I've decided not to kill you. MIKE & BOTS: Yeah! FORRESTER: But for making me watch *that,* I'm going to leave you here. MIKE & BOTS: Boo! TOM: Hey, Clay? You never did tell us who the emperor is, or the rebel leader. FORRESTER: Well, there's a reason for... GYPSY: Excuse me, Dr. F. But you ride has returned. (The Star Destroyer pulls up next to the SoL.) MIKE: Message coming in through the hexfield viewscreen. (The Hexfield opens up to reveal... Frank.) FRANK: Oh, hi guys. MIKE: Hey, it's Frank. How's it going? FRANK: Oh, pretty good. Being the emperor is nice and all. CROW: You're the emperor? TOM: Talk about what comes around goes around. FRANK: Yeah, I'm in charge of it all, now. Is Dr. F. there? (Forrester approaches meekly.) FORRESTER: Yes, master? FRANK: Clay! Now, I'm very disappointed in you, Clay. You let the rebel leader get away again. Now you get back on board this Star Destroyer and find him, young man. And you can't play with your friends until you do. And don't forget you have a piano recital to go to. FORRESTER: (Lowers his head.) Yes, master. PEARL: Clayton! I knew it was you. Only someone like you would do soemthing this stupid. What do you think you're doing in this part of the galaxy, huh? And look at those clothes you're wearing. You look like a freak. If you're father was alive he would... BOBO: Law-giver! Another ship is approaching us! (Out of the depths of space, another ship approaches. When it comes close it reveals itself as... Another Satellite of Love.) FRANK: What the... (Frank's image disappears from the hexfield and is replaced by an image of Joel.) JOEL: Hey, Clay! What are you doing wasting your time talking to them when there are *dangerous* rebels like me around? Did your ship break down again? Oh look, I see your mommy tracked you down. Maybe it's your bedtime. FORRESTER: Joel, you rebel scum! You won't get away from me this time. Sorry guys, gotta go. (Forrester rushes down the tunnel to get on board the Star Destroyer. Meanwhile, everyone else is trying to talk to Joel, except for Crow.) CROW: Who is this guy? TOM: Joel! You're the rebel leader? JOEL: Yeah. Ever since my escape, I've dedicated my life to destroying Gizmonic institute. Listen, I can't rescue you guys, but perhaps I can help you get away. I'd love to stay and talk, but they're coming after me. Be stay and true. I love you. Bye. (His image disappears and the hexfield disappears.) PEARL: Clayton! You get back here, young man. When I get my hands on you I'll... Oh! (The Van begings rocking, tossing them about.) (Same thing is happening on the SoL.) TOM: What's going on? MIKE: I don't know. Cambot! Rocket Number Nine! (Joel's SoL, being pursued by the Star Destroyer, flies right between the Van and the SoL. The Star Destroyer follows, and its wake causes the Van and the SoL to fly off in opposite directions.) ALL: Oh myyyy! MIKE: Quick, Gypsy! Stabilze! Stabilize! GYPSY: Almost got it. There! (The SoL stops rocking. Everybody collects themselves.) MIKE: Everybody okay? BOTS: Yeah. CROW: Any sign of Pearl? GYPSY: Negative. We lost her. TOM: Oh good. Hey Mike? Can we stop at a Burger King? I'm starving. MIKE: I'm way ahead of you. Just sit back and behave, or I'll turn around. BOTS: Okay. PEARL: Any sign of them, Bobo? BOBO: No, law-giver. But I did find something you might like. PEARL (hopeful): What? BOBO: Here you go. (He gives her the Tom Lehrer CD.) PEARL: (She takes it.) Thank you, Bobo. BOBO: You're welcome, law-giver. (She then begins to beat him furiously with it.) End. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. "Although she was grateful he saved her, it also annoyed the hell out of her."