help with a paper that i am writing can you give me some pointers on the paper

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help with a paper that i am writing can you give me some pointers on the paper

Postby timothy » Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:36 pm

The new girl

While I was walking home one day something dramatic happened. A girl from my school just came up and kissed me. Then she ran home and left me there just as shocked as can be. I did not talk at all on the walk home first because of how shocked I was and second was because I hardly even remembered the walk home. So apparently I ran or did something because it only took me five minutes to get home. I got home and went straight to my bedroom got on my bed and just laid there looking up at the ceiling. Well to tell you the truth I was thinking about……….WAIT! Let us go back to the beginning shall we?
It all started in Culver Oregon out about in town on the date of January 19, 2011. The thing is that I thought it would just be a normal day, but little did I know everything would change today. When I went outside I caught the bus. When I got on the bus I sat by my best friend Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school and what new things we figured out. Eventually we got to school but then the bus driver said “uh-oh I forgot a kid we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid up onâ€
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Postby Atria35 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 6:00 am

Is this a story, and not a paper?

First off, I wouldn't give an exact date. You can say January 19th, or a cold day in January, but I wouldn't give a year.

The "little did I know everything would change" is very cliched, and a key to storytelling is Show, Don't Tell. You don't- shouldn't- tell the reader that things are going to change out of nowhere. They'll know that just by reading the story.

The large paragraph in the middle needs to be broken up.

Some of the language is a bit too formal. Someone saying "I will see but it's only Monday night" sounds unnatural. They'd say "I'll see, but it's only Monday night."

There's also incorrect punctuation/punctuation mistakes, and capitalization errors.
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Postby Hiryu » Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:36 pm

The story is ok, but what's the point of telling us this?

You could take out the 3rd paragraph, the one about you talking about Star Ocean. It's irrelevant at this point. The last sentence in the first paragraph needs to be re-worked.
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Postby timothy » Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:22 pm

thank you for all the help and if you want to read it again and see how it sounds now then just message me ok?
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Postby timothy » Wed Feb 02, 2011 3:17 pm

Here is the new one tell me how you like it please




The new girl



While I was walking home one day something dramatic happened. A girl from my school just came up and kissed me. Then she ran home and left me there just as shocked as can be. I did not talk at all on the walk home first because of how shocked I was and second was because I hardly even remembered the walk home. So apparently I ran or did something because it only took me five minutes to get home. I got home and went straight to my bedroom got on my bed and just laid there looking up at the ceiling. Well to tell you the truth I was thinking about……….WAIT! Let us go back to the beginning shall we?

It all started in Culver Oregon out about in town on the date of January 19 on a cold winter day. When I went outside I caught the bus. When I got on the bus I sat by my best friend Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school and what new things we figured out. Eventually we got to school but then the bus driver said “uh-oh I forgot a kid we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid up onâ€
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Postby Atria35 » Wed Feb 02, 2011 4:13 pm

-Still has major punctuation errors. Commas are necessary for many parts of this. The best way to know when to put in a comma is to say the sentence aloud and see where there's a natural pause in it. For instance, "Well he went and did that and she said yes" should be "Well, he went and did that, and she said yes."

-You have the wrong indications for height. It should be marked 5'6".

-Having "then she said", "then he said", ...."they said" after every sentence is very tiring. It is possible (and encouraged) to drop some of them outright. Or change them from "said" to a different word that describes how they say it.

-You also still have a problem with stiff writing. “It is Maria and yours is?” is not how people speak... unless they have an accent/are learning English. Is that the case for Maria? Then please say so in the essay. Otherwise, change it. "It's Maria. And yours?" OR "It's Maria. Yours?" both sound much more natural and like real people speak.

It's definitely shaping up, though.
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Postby timothy » Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:03 pm

thank you i will go to re write it thanks
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Postby timothy » Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:18 pm

The new girl

While I was walking home one day something dramatic happened. A girl from my school just came up and kissed me. Then she ran home and left me there just as shocked as can be. I did not talk at all on the walk home first because of how shocked I was and second was because I hardly even remembered the walk home. So apparently I ran or did something because it only took me five minutes to get home. I got home and went straight to my bedroom got on my bed and just laid there looking up at the ceiling. Well to tell you the truth I was thinking about……….WAIT! Let us go back to the beginning shall we?
It all started in Culver Oregon out about in town on the date of January 19th it was a very cold morning. When I went outside I caught the bus. When I got on the bus I sat by my best friend Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school and what new things we figured out. Eventually we got to school but then the bus driver said “uh-oh I forgot a kid we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid up onâ€
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Postby Atria35 » Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:32 pm

The thing is, I had only given one example for each of those problems. The commas are needed in many places throughout the paper, not just that one spot.

You still have lots of stiff writing in there. I only gave one example, but there are others.

You really need to slow down and go sentence by sentence through this. My advice is to say each and every sentence out loud. That is the best way to figure out if there's punctuation missing, or whether it doesn't sound realistic or like how people actually talk.
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Postby timothy » Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:45 pm

OK thank you when i finish it i will let you know thanks for all the help
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Postby timothy » Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:29 pm

The new girl

While I was walking home one day something dramatic happened! A girl from my school just came up and kissed me. Then she ran home and left me there just as shocked as can be. I did not talk at all on the walk home first because of how shocked I was and second was because I hardly even remembered the walk home. So apparently I ran or did something because it only took me five minutes to get home. I got home and went straight to my bedroom got on my bed and just laid there looking up at the ceiling. So let me tell you how I got to know this girl.
It all started in Culver Oregon on the date of January the 19th it was a very cold morning. When I went outside I caught the bus. Then I got on the bus and sat by my best friend Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school. Eventually we got to school but then the bus driver said “uh-oh I forgot a kid, we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid upâ€
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Postby Furen » Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:15 pm

I don't know if this is relevant to what you are trying to write, but I'm pretty sure that when you have dialoug (sp...), the start of a person speaking is the start of a new paragraph.
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Postby Phantom_Sorano » Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:34 pm

Suggestions:

"A girl from my school just came up and kissed me. Then she ran home and left me there just as shocked as can be."
[color="Cyan"]A girl from my school just came up- kissed me- and ran home leaving me there just as shocked as can be.[/color]

" So apparently I ran or did something because it only took me five minutes to get home. I got home and went straight to my bedroom got on my bed and just laid there looking up at the ceiling."
[color="cyan"]So apparently I ran or did something special because in five minutes I was walking through the front door. I went straight to my bedroom, got on my bed, and just laid there looking up at the ceiling[/color].

"It all started in Culver Oregon on the date of January the 19th it was a very cold morning. When I went outside I caught the bus. Then I got on the bus and sat by my best friend Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school. Eventually we got to school but then the bus driver said “uh-oh I forgot a kid, we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid up”. So we went back to pick the new kid up. However when she got on I was looking right at her. I Said to Austin “WOW, she is beautiful don’t you think so?” Austin started saying, “Yeah she is but, you already now that I like someone else”. She is 5,6 and has long thin blue hair she is very active
[color="cyan"]It all started in Culver, Oregon, on a very cold January morning; January 19th, to be exact. I was waiting outside for the bus and when it came, I made my way inside and to the seat of my best friend, Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school. When the bus driver finally arrived at our destination, he slammed the brakes. “Uh-oh I forgot a kid, we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid up”, he said as we turned back around. The driver found her on the route and she stepped inside and I was looking right at her. “WOW", I said without thinking," she is beautiful don’t you think so?” “Yeah she is but, you already now that I like someone else." But I only saw that girl: active, small, and with bright blue hair.[/color]

We are arriving at the school and I am a little tired. The reason that I am tired is because I was up last night playing Star Ocean. “Austin so, did you ever played a game called Star Ocean?” “No sorry man.” “That’s ok, it’s not your fault “Well it’s time to get to math class now.”
[color="cyan"]OMIT[/color]

Well we got to class five minutes before the bell rang, so that was good. I sat with Austin waiting for everyone to come in I asked him “hey do you know if that new girl on the bus is in our class?” He whispered “no sorry I do not but lets just wait and see shall we?’ Everyone just came in and I noticed that the new girl was actually in our class. So I went over to her and asked, “Is it alright if I sit here?” She answered, “Yes it is alright.” I sat and listened to the teacher and, apparently she was just like me. We did the same exact thing, which means that she must like school like me. “So I was wondering do you like school?” “Why yes I do what about you?” she said. “Of course I love school,” She answered with “Well see you around bye.”
[color="cyan"]We got to class five minutes before the bell rang, so I sat next to Austin waiting for everyone to come. “Hey do you know if that new girl on the bus is in our class?” I asked. He whispered “No sorry I do not but lets just wait and see shall we?" As everyone came in, I noticed that the new girl was actually in our class. I went over to her and asked, “Is it alright if I sit here?” She answered, “Yes it is alright.” I sat and listened to the teacher and, apparently, she was just like me. We did the same exact things! “So I was wondering do you like school?” “Why yes I do what about you?” she said. “Of course I love school,” She answered with “Well see you around bye.”[/color]
Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players; they have their entrances and their exits and one man in his time plays many parts."-Will Shakespeare
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Postby Phantom_Sorano » Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:53 pm

[color="Cyan"]After the bell rang, I was off to reading where I sat with Austin this time. We talked about what I talked with the new girl about and then it hit me: I do not even know her name is yet! So after class I caught up with her and nervously asked her about her name. “It is Maria", she said,"and yours is?” It’s Tigger,” I said. “
When I met back up with Austin him, I told him about the brief meeting with Maria, and he answered with “nice man.” I could tell something was wrong so I asked, “What’s wrong man?” He frowned and replied “You are not spending time with me like you usually do and there is someone that I like but I would really like to talk to you about it.” “I am so sorry", I said feeling guilty. "Well let us go do something. I mean it is becoming lunchtime after this next class and we got off campus lunch ok?” He smiled and thanked me. It was then Language Arts and Band class before we could talk about it.
Finally it was lunch, so I tracked down Austin to go and talk. But as we got ready to leave, we saw something terrible: someone was harassing Maria and no one was helping her. “It is ok man you go help her", Austin said, "You helped me, and she needs you." “Ok” I answered and appreciating his understanding. I went over there and told them to stop but they did no quit making fun of her. I helped her up and asked if she was okay. “Yes... at least now I am now. Thank you”, she replied. Just then one of the guys being mean to her came over and pushed me and said “Stop! Do not help her, stupid.”
“Do not tell me what I can or can not do.”, I said as I went to help her up again. This time when he came to push me I stopped and grabbed his hands. It must have hurt because the kid cried out for me to let go and the teacher came to reward us both pink slips.
After my heroic stunt, I only had fifteen minutes for lunch with Austin and now Maria who had joined us for pizza. Austin and I were talking about how to ask the girl that he liked out when Maria piped in. “You should just tell her that you like her and maybe she might like you.” I just looked at her and then I whispered, “You should do that Austin.”

Well he went and did just that and she said yes. So he went on dating her and lived a very happy life. Austin and I never forgot each other and still hang out to this day. Maria and I never started to date until much later down the road when we found out that we loved each other. All of us live happily ever after.[/color]
Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players; they have their entrances and their exits and one man in his time plays many parts."-Will Shakespeare
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Postby timothy » Sun Feb 06, 2011 11:28 am

The new girl

While I was walking home one day something dramatic happened! A girl from my school just came up- kissed me- and ran home leaving me there just as shocked as can be. I did not talk at all on the walk home first because of how shocked I was and second was because I hardly even remembered the walk home. So apparently I ran or did something special because in five minutes I was walking through the front door. I went straight to my bedroom, got on my bed, and just sat there looking up at the ceiling. So let me tell you how I got to know this girl.
It all started in culver, on the frigid morning. When I went outside I caught the bus. Then I got on the bus and sat by my best friend Austin Scott. We started to talk about what we would do after school. Eventually we got to school but then the bus driver said “uh-oh I forgot a kid, we got to go back really quick to pick the new kid upâ€
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Postby Atria35 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:11 pm

I really, really wish that I could take a pen to this. There are still many, many errors with grammar, punctuation, capitalization, etc.
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Postby Furen » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:13 pm

Atria35 (post: 1457175) wrote:I really, really wish that I could take a pen to this. There are still many, many errors with grammar, punctuation, capitalization, etc.


Why don't you? Show us what you would have as a final result?
And this I pray, that your love would abound still, more and more with real knowledge and all discernment. Be prepared to preach the gospel at a moment's notice. Do you know the gospel well enough to do so yourself? Be ready.
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Postby Atria35 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:40 am

Furen (post: 1457290) wrote:Why don't you? Show us what you would have as a final result?


.... You mean, like I would if I were proofreading someone in class? Hmm.

EDIT: I did and in the end I pretty much rewrote it. I wouldn't feel comfortable posting it unless tim gave me permission.
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Postby timothy » Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:30 pm

well i will work harder
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Postby Furen » Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:15 pm

Atria35 (post: 1457327) wrote:.... You mean, like I would if I were proofreading someone in class? Hmm.

Exactly, I did it to, and sent it to him through a PM so no one else saw unless he decided to share.
And this I pray, that your love would abound still, more and more with real knowledge and all discernment. Be prepared to preach the gospel at a moment's notice. Do you know the gospel well enough to do so yourself? Be ready.
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Postby Atria35 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:28 am

It's okay, Tim. Really.

@ Furen- then... I think you're on it! I can hold off on sending my bit.
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Postby WhiteMage212 » Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:41 pm

Band practice, yay! XD
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Postby timothy » Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:16 pm

sweet so you like band lol
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