...And now, KPLR presents.... THE NEWS!!!

Dave: And for today's newscast, we here at KPLR proudly present the Audio
Radio Digitron 2000 Computer. I'll just turn it on. Computer, tell our
listeners the latest news. 

Computer: I'm fine... how are you?

Dave: Computer, I said the news

Computer: I'm fine... how are you?

Dave: Oh forget this! Stupid computer!

In local news, Sea World, the Anheuser-Busch theme park ten minutes away
from PLNC has admitted this week that while penguins are indeed quite
cute, they are not primarily sea-dwelling creatures and therefore should
not be an exhibit at the park. Spokesperson John Dunderhead stated, "We
really didn't do our research. But they are cute." Officials at the park
pledge to write on a blackboard, "I will never do this again" ten thousand
times. 

And at the Cafeteria earlier this week, disaster was narrowly averted as
corporate spies from McDonald's attempted to steal the recipe for the
Broccoli/Tofu Stir-Fry. Such a theft would have sent shockwaves throughout
the dining world. However, head chef John Nelson spotted the would be
raiders, and gave them his patent-pending psychotic looking smile. The
thieves had coronaries on the spot. Justin Hart states that the Cafeteria
does not intend to use their remains for hamburgers. 

In national news, the Orenthal James Simpson trial drags on in Los
Angeles. In today's action, Johnny Cochran denounced the exhibit of Ronald
Goldman's dominoes as racially biased while Marcia Clark did much the same
thing. Surprisingly, the two failed to notice each other in this. Ronald
Darden, looking on, had borrowed Bill Leonard's head shammy, and was
shining up. A KPLR phone poll shows that 2% think that OJ is guilty, 2%
for innocent, 1% for undecided, and 95% hanging up when it was learned
that this poll would not help them meet members of the opposite sex. 

In sports news, KDAH-TV, Lompoc, has conducted an exclusive interview with
Cal Ripken's wife. Upon KDAH reporter Jimmy "The Geek" Dunderhead's remark
that Mrs. Ripken must be very proud of her husband, Mrs. Ripken responded
by saying "Who? I have a husband?" Top military deprogrammers with Orioles
game videotapes are attempting to rectify this. However, this action is
being delayed by a lawsuit from Major League Baseball owners as this
violates the rule against rebroadcasting games. 

[STOP SET]

For today's weather, the National Weather Service maintains that for most
of you who can hear this, it's probably pretty hot, and urges you to
simply look out your window or step outside. 

This has been KPLR 620 AM News. If you aren't listening to KPLR, you might
as well be listening to static.