Stephen Ratliff's "All The King's Horses" was MSTed by: Mighty Jack (editor) : mityjack@net.bluemoon.net Joseph Nebus : nebusj@rpi.edu Chris "Frobozz" Angelini : frobozz@eyrie.org Kevin Gowen : kgowen@efn.org Steven "Badger" Savage : badger@infinet.com Contributing writers: Ian Gowen Stephen Ratliff [Season Nine opening sequence] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL] [Mike, Tom and Crow are standing behind the control panel at their usual places.] TOM SERVO: Hey gang! Strap yourselves into your seats and hold on tight, 'cause it's our *SEASON FINALE*, tonight on MST! 3! K! MIKE: That's right, folks, and just like every other network on the planet, we've got an oh-so-very special episode lined up for you just to ease the pain of being stuck with nothing but reruns to watch for the next few months! It's so filled with surprises, twists and turns that you'd have to be a drooling *moron* to even *THINK* about missing it! CROW: Shocking secrets revealed! You won't believe who turns out to be a hermaphrodite on today's episode! MIKE: Another third-world country detonates a nuclear device! Which one? Stay tuned and find out! TOM SERVO: The satellite explodes, and one of us won't survive to be on the show next season! Don't miss it! CROW: An extra-special guest star is caught in bed with Mike... and you won't *believe* it when you find out what species she is! MIKE: Gypsy gets married in a must-see five hour television event! TOM SERVO: Joel Robinson returns to the Satellite of Love in a tearful reunion the whole family will want to see! CROW: The results of the cancer test come in! And the paternity test, too! MIKE: One of the nanites loses her virginity and learns a hard lesson about life and love! TOM SERVO: Mike Nelson's past comes back to haunt him! How? Stay tuned and find out! CROW: A serial killer stalks the satellite, and he's got his sights set on his next victim! We're going to need *all* of our wits to survive this one! MIKE: Crow joins a cult, forcing Tom and me to kidnap and deprogram him in a life-affirming triumph of the human spirit! TOM SERVO: Featuring scenes from previous episodes of MST3K to bring back fond memories of how many hours you've wasted in front of the TV! CROW: With special musical guest, Pearl Jam! MIKE: Plus, the moment that you've all been waiting for... the moment when we answer the question... ALL: WHO *IS* ERIC CARTMAN'S MOTHER?!? [The commercial sign light starts flashing.] TOM SERVO: All this, and much, much more on tonight's action-packed episode of MST! 3! K! MIKE: Pay close attention now, or we'll never get to charge this much for ad space ever again! [Mike hits the commercial sign light.] [Commercials.] [SOL] [Mike, Tom and Crow are still at their usual places.] CROW: Expect the unexpected!!! MIKE: Believe the unbelievable!!! TOM SERVO: As we conceive the inconceivable right here on MST! 3! K! [The Mads light turns on.] We'll be right back with our *SEASON FINALE EXTRAVAGANZA* right after these words from our very own Pearl Forrester! [Mike hits the Mads light.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl, Bobo and Observer are all sitting on a comfy couch in front of a TV set that is turned on. Pearl puts down the bowl of popcorn that she's holding and turns toward the camera, putting her finger up to her lips.] PEARL: Shhh! [loudly whispering] Keep it down up there, will ya? We're watching the last episode of Seinfeld! [Pearl turns back to the TV, picks up the bowl of popcorn and starts eating.] [SOL] MIKE [confused]: Huh?! CROW: Okay. Let me get this straight, Mike... you put our dumpy little show's season finale up against the last episode of *Seinfeld*?! What the *hell* were you *THINKING*?!? You stupid, STUPID MAN!!! MIKE: All right, all right, geez, I'm sorry! You know, if we had that subscription to TV Guide like I wanted, this never would have happened! But noooo... *you* guys wouldn't help pay to get it delivered up here... [Tom shakes his head and sighs in frustration as Gypsy enters from stage left.] GYPSY: Hey guys, I just heard from the network... they're running paid programming in our time slot. TOM SERVO [disgusted]: Oh, great! Just great! Hear that, Nelson? See what you've done to us?! MIKE: Guys, guys, hold on a second! Think about it... nobody's watching us, right? So we can do whatever we want for the next hour, and nobody'll ever know the difference! [Mike leans close to the bots for a conspiratorial whisper] Not even Pearl! [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and Bobo are still on the couch, but Observer is approaching the camera.] OBSERVER: Well, actually Michael, that's not precisely true. You see, Pearl heard about your little "must see" television event, and she wanted to make sure we sent you an experiment that suited the occasion. She tells me that it was written by award-winning, best-selling fanfic writer Stephen Ratliff, and it's a sensitive, heart-warming story about a young woman just beginning to come of age and how she learns to deal with the pressing questions and serious issues that all teenagers face as they grow up. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you just might learn a little something about yourselves... though certainly not as much as *I* already know about your hopelessly inferior species. This fanfic has not yet been rated. And, just so you know, Pearl *is* taping the experiment while she watches her program, so she *will* know if you're not in that theater! Oh, and she said to tell you: "Don't touch that dial... *we* will control the horizontal and the vertical!" Whatever *that* means. Oh well. Enjoy! [Cue sound as Observer uses that brain voodoo that he do so well to send the fanfic up to the satellite.] [SOL] [Mike is writing quickly on a piece of paper on the control panel in front of him as Tom looks on. Crow and Gypsy are absent.] MIKE [reciting as he writes]: "I, Michael Nelson, fearing for my life and sanity, do hereby make the following revisions to my last will and testament...." Tom, how do you spell "codicil"? [Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts.] MIKE: AAAH! Too late! WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!! Magic Voice, if we don't get out alive, tell my mom I love her! [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [Inside the theater] [Mike carries Tom to his seat. Crow is still absent.] MIKE: Maybe we should have had the show broadcast over the Internet. TOM SERVO: Too late for that now. >From sratliff@runet.edu Wed May 20 18:55:54 1998 >Received: from rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >[137.45.192.101]) by net.bluemoon.net TOM SERVO [singing]: Bluuuuuuuueee Moooooooooooooon... MIKE [singing]: Blue Blue Blue Blue Mooooooooooooon... > (8.8.7/8.8.5) with ESMTP id WAA02201 >for ; Tue, 2 Sep 1997 22:12:11 -0400 (EDT) MIKE [looking around]: All right, where's Crow? TOM SERVO: Watching the last episode of Seinfeld. MIKE: *sigh* [raising his voice] Gypsy, get Crow in here, would you please? GYPSY [offscreen]: Will do! >Received: (from sratliff@localhost) by rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >(8.8.7/8.7.5) id WAA04255 for mityjack@net.bluemoon.net; TOM SERVO: Isn't that the ISP that moonlights as a detective agency? > Tue, 2 Sep 1997 >22:11:29 -0400 (EDT) >Message-Id: <199709030211.WAA04255@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu> CROW: [offscreen] Okay, okay, I'm going! [Crow enters the theater and sits down] Jeez, now I'll *never* know which one of the fifteen published endings they used.... MIKE: Watch the reruns, Crow. We need all the help we can get in here. CROW: Why? What did Pearl send us this time? >From: Stephen Ratliff >Subject: All The King's Horses CROW [glumly]: I *had* to ask... >To: mityjack@net.bluemoon.net (Mighty Jack) TOM SERVO: Ecchh! *shudders violently* MIKE: What? What's the matter? CROW: We'll explain later. >Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 22:11:29 -0400 (EDT) >In-Reply-To: 100000@net.bluemoon.net> from "Mighty Jack" at Sep 2, 97 05:31:20 pm >X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL24] >MIME-Version: 1.0 >Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII >Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit MIKE [singsong]: Transfer encoding... ALL: SEVEN BITS!!! > >Title: All the King's Horses CROW: ...and all the king's men, couldn't make Steve a decent writer again. TOM SERVO: What do you mean, "again"? >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG Marrissa Stories #3 >Part: NEW 1/? > >by Stephen Ratliff > >Author's Notes MIKE [as Ratliff]: Note to myself: I really shouldn't do this! > > Well ladies and gentlemen, TOM SERVO: And robots. > it's time for yet another Marrissa >Story. MIKE [as Ratliff]: Unless my demands are immediately met. > This one is set between "Battle for Bajor" and "Cadet Cruise." TOM SERVO: So he can rewrite history. CROW: Retcon! Retcon! >It's written in response to several complaints I've received in the >almost four years since I posted the original versions of those works. MIKE [as Ratliff]: I won't reprint what they actually said because there's children on this newsgroup. > Four years, it's been long time. CROW [muttering]: Tell us about it... TOM SERVO: It's been long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. > I first started "Enterprized" >in study-hall in March of 1993. TOM SERVO: More homework could have prevented this tragedy. > When I arrived at Radford University, MIKE [as Ratliff}: ... I couldn't figure out why people kept pointing at me and snickering. > I >discovered alt.startrek.creative. CROW: ... and I claimed it in the name of Spain! > I started posting "Enterprized" on >November of 1993. TOM SERVO: Truly a date that will live in infamy. > "A Gul's Revenge," which later became "Battle for >Bajor," MIKE: ... meaning we had to sit through it *twice*. [shudders] > began posting in February of 1994. Since then I've put out an >average of three works every year. (Six in the past year.) CROW: Nineteen since a week ago Thursday! TOM SERVO: Three hundred just today! MIKE: Two thousand and thirty-eight in the last five minutes! > > This will be my fifteenth work, beginning what I hope is a >productive fifth and finial year at Radford University. CROW: Ah, the American college system... where a four-year degree only takes five or six to achieve! TOM SERVO: Pulling out the ol' Websters here... his fifth year is a foliated ornament on the upper extremity of a piece of Gothic architecture?! > There are more >Marrissa Stories out there. MIKE: Right now, Agents Mulder and Scully are retching into their shoes. CROW: Believe you me, those stories are *really* "out there". > I've got a list of ideas pages long, TOM SERVO: Don't threaten us like that, Ratliff. MIKE: Looks like some other Stephen out there just came down with Dark Tower syndrome. > and >occasionally a new idea will come, like "The Captain and the Doctor," >that just flows out without stopping. CROW: He just *had* to try those Olestra potato chips. TOM SERVO: I always thought his stories were a kind of mental diarrhea. Now we have proof! > "All the King's Horses" uses many references to thoroughbred >horse racing, in particular the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the >Belmont Stakes. MIKE: Oh, and Humpty Dumpty. CROW: Mike? Why would *anyone* write a Star Trek story about *horse racing*?! TOM SERVO: It's Ratliff, Crow. Don't expect it to make sense. > While the form of the races have maintained the same >shape, CROW: Could it be that Ratliff actually knows something about what he's writing about this time? TOM SERVO: We'll see. > some rules have been bent for the purpose of storytelling. MIKE: For instance, in reality, very few jockeys use spray-cheese for helmets. > No >trainer in his or her right mind would let an untried jockey race their >horse in a Triple Crown race, TOM SERVO: ... but I'm sure Steve will get around this inconvenient fact by inventing a disease that kills only horse jockeys over the age of 15. CROW: Don't give him any ideas. > but fortunately, mine is not left-handed. >:) MIKE: A subtle Princess Bride reference or a lame joke? You make the call. TOM SERVO: Well, at least he spelled the smiley right. > >Stephen Ratliff. CROW: aka The Evil Scourge of Usenet. > >Some pronunciations > >Since this story is set in France, MIKE [as Ratliff]: I can make up all sorts of stuff in the hopes that my mostly American audience won't know I'm blowing smoke. CROW: Poor France... first Hitler invades them, and now this! TOM SERVO: Do you think Ratliff is considered a comic genius in France? > some names are pronounced differently >that they are else where. The following is a short guide. MIKE: It's just a little service for those of you who like to read their Ratliff stories out loud. > Robert RO-ber CROW: Oooh, I remember the Ro-bears, from the "ThunderCats" cartoon. > Boucher BOO-shay MIKE: Shay... y'ever jusht... walk into a fanficshion and jusht... shee pink elephantsh everywhere? > > TOM SERVO: *snicker* Gee thanks, Steve! Our understanding of the subtle complexities of the French language has increased dramatically thanks to this marvelously comprehensive pronunciation guide. MIKE: Here's a few other French pronunciations you should know... CROW: Ratliff PAIN-ful TOM SERVO: Marrissa EE-go-tist MIKE: Pearl Forrester VISH-us >Prologue CROW: PRO-log. MIKE: Enough, Crow, enough. TOM SERVO: And our wild ride into another reality begins.... > > Rene was under the Oak tree behind the Picard Family vineyard. >He was looking for his uncle's shuttle. MIKE: Slowly he aimed the antiaircraft gun.... > Rene looked forward to his >Uncle Jean-Luc's visit. CROW: His sharpest scalpel was ready and his dog had given him explicit instructions on how to dispose of the body. MIKE: Getting dark a little early, Crow? CROW: I'm beating the rush. > It had been nearly three and a half years since >the Captain of the Enterprise had set foot in his boyhood home. TOM SERVO: But today he was going to find out if they really meant it when they said "And STAY out!". > At the time Rene had been a young boy of twelve. CROW: Now he was an elderly woman of six. > It was the >first time he had met his Uncle, the famous Captain of the Enterprise, a >man he had idolized. Now he was a youth of sixteen. MIKE: What, did Picard fall into a time warp or something? > He had gained >nearly a half a foot in height. CROW: And about three feet in depth. TOM SERVO: Isn't France kind of committed to the metric system at this point? MIKE: Well, Star Trek switches back and forth all the time, so why not Ratliff? > His hair had darkened somewhat from the >blond of his childhood. CROW: His voice sounded like breaking glass and his pimples made him look less than human. > While Rene still wished for a career in Star Fleet, he had other >interests now. TOM SERVO: Like not getting instantly killed by the spacetime phenomenon of the week. > He had a job as an exercise rider at the local stables. MIKE: So the little technophile from the series plays with horses now? >Rene also had a steady girl friend. He blushed, as he remembered their >last date. CROW [as Rene]: How am I ever going to explain to her why I started shouting "Equus!" and stabbed the horses in the eyes?! > He had heard that his uncle was bringing his new adopted >daughter to see his home. Rene wondered what this Marrissa would look >like. TOM SERVO: Soon, her face would be permanently scarred on his memory. > He doubted that she wasn't human, MIKE: ... although that would explain some things. > although the name did sound >like something a Betaziod would use. CROW: "Marrissa" was literally the Betazed word for "Duct Tape". > All he really knew was that she >was about twelve years old. MIKE: And she came from the Village of the Damned. > Would she have black hair and green eyes like his Isabelle? Or >would she be a blonde with blue eyes. CROW: Or would she have no physical attributes whatsoever? TOM SERVO: Actually, those were the only two options he could think of. > Well he'd soon find out, as Rene >spied the shuttlecraft approaching the vineyard. MIKE: ... as it began its strafing run. > Uncle Jean-Luc would >probably park near town and walk, but that wouldn't stop Rene from >rushing to tell his parents. CROW [as Rene]: HEY MOM, HERE COMES OL' CHROME-DOME!! > > >Chapter One >Day One TOM SERVO: Food supplies low. Morale remains high, but our expedition will have to resort to cannibalism by the end of tomorrow. > > Captain Picard stepped out of the shuttle. CROW: ... and plummeted face first into the mud ten feet below. MIKE [as Picard, grumbling]: I have *got* to get that altimeter fixed.... > When Marrissa had >suggested the front door, he just couldn't resist parking the shuttle as >close as possible to the front gate. CROW: Which, unfortunately, now hung off of the nose of the shuttle. > Jean-Luc had dreamed about that >when he was little. TOM SERVO: As a child, Picard's dreams were small. Petty. The stuff of which a reform school lifer was made. > Of course he was a famous Star Fleet captain >returning from defending the Federation from some vile enemy, not >bringing his newly adopted daughter home to see the family. MIKE: The difference being...? > Marrissa was hiding behind him. It probably was a good idea. CROW: Picard's brother was a good shot and Marrissa needed a human shield. >From out of the house came Robert Picard. TOM SERVO: Oh, he's the best character on Voyager. MIKE: Which is like being the best TV series produced by Glen A. Larson. > Jean-Luc was glad Marrissa >didn't know French as Robert's language was not exactly polite. CROW [as Robert]: Pardon my French, Jean-Luc, but you're an... MMPH! MIKE [with his hand clamped on Crow's mouth]: Don't finish that, Crow. > Finally Robert noticed Captain Picard with Marrissa clinging >behind him. TOM SERVO: Riding his coattails as usual. > "Oh it's you Jean- Luc," he said. CROW [as Robert]: I thought you were *Dale*! > "You sound disappointed," Jean-Luc remarked. MIKE [as Robert]: You're here to beat me up in the vineyard again, aren't you? > "I was looking forward to yelling at the shuttle's pilot, but I >see you drove yourself," Robert said CROW [as Robert]: Now I'll just have to punch some babies or something. > as his son and wife came out. >Marie was carrying her nine-month-old daughter. > "I'll move the shuttle later," Jean-Luc said. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Now that I've needlessly annoyed you, I can park the shuttle where it should have gone in the first place. CROW [as PA voice from Airplane]: The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only. > "May I introduce >my daughter, Marrissa? MIKE: Uh oh... crash positions, everybody! Ratliff is introducing people! This is *not* a drill! [Tom and Crow quickly duck down low in their seats as Mike bends over with his arms wrapped around his head.] > Marrissa this is your uncle Robert; his wife >Marie, the best cook in France; TOM SERVO [muffled]: Best, after Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, of course. > your nephew Rene; MIKE [muffled by his arms]: He's named after a nose. > and in Marie's arms is >little Theresa." CROW [muffled]: The best diaper filler in France. > "It's a pleasure to meet you, Marrissa," Marie said. MIKE [muffled by his arms]: That's what they *all* say at first.... > "You must >be tired after your long journey." TOM SERVO [peeking up]: Wait a minute... it's over? Already? Hey, that wasn't so bad! [Everyone emerges from cover.] CROW: Maybe someone down at Radford heard our screams and had mercy on us? > "Yeah," Marrissa responded. "He told me to take the helm for a >couple hours and slept for eight." MIKE [as Marrissa]: In the free time I used my shuttle and the leftovers from dinner to conquer four planets. > "She was supposed to wake me," Jean-Luc replied to the unspoken >question. MIKE [as Picard]: But I induge her cute pranks like ignoring my commands and doing dangerous piloting stunts because she's so darling! TOM SERVO: He's lucky she didn't push him out the airlock and go off to start another war. > "In any case, perhaps you'd like to see you see your room," >Marie responded. CROW: Marie's stuttering habit always showed up at the worst times. MIKE [as Marie]: Don't mind what looks like the lock, door brace, and steel bars outside the room. They don't really work even when we shut them all. > "If I know Robert and Jean-Luc, they will want to >check the wines before they come in." TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: I'll just get started on this bottle right here. Just to be safe, I'd better taste test the whole thing.... > Marrissa picked up her suitcase and followed Marie into the >house, Rene on her tail. CROW: [imitates a cat screeching in pain] MIKE [as Rene]: Sorry, Marrissa. Didn't see your tail there. > > The room was larger than any bedroom Marrissa had ever seen. >The walls were a pale pink with walnut paneled wainscot. There was a >matching dresser and mirror. CROW: They tried to find more girly interior decorating, but failed. TOM SERVO: You know, sometimes I think that if Ratliff gave up writing to pursue his dream of being an interior decorator we might *all* be a little happier. > But what had Marrissa's attention was the >big bed with a white lacy canopy. She'd never seen such a bed. MIKE [as commercial announcer]: Secretly, Marie replaced the pea under Marrissa's mattress with rich, dark Folger's Crystals. Let's see if she notices! > "This >is mine?" she asked. CROW [as Marrissa]: I'd like to have something closer to the weapons, if you don't mind. > "Whenever you visit," Marie confirmed. "The closet is over >here. If you need any help, just shout. Rene is down the hall, third >door on the right. Your father will be right across the hall. TOM SERVO: Scooby, Shaggy, and Freddy will be staying in the next room, so enjoy your stay. By the way, don't go down by the old saw mill; the ghost of Confederate general Horace Niles Zebediah III is haunting it. > Lunch >will be in a half an hour." > After Marie left, Marrissa did what she had always wanted to do >with a bed like the one in this room. MIKE [while bouncing]: JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! > She plopped right on it. ALL: EEEEEWWW!! > She >decided that she had been right as she stretched out. It was a nice >soft bed. TOM SERVO: She never felt the slight pinprick, nor the highly toxic poison already working into her body. > For a couple of minutes she enjoyed the feel of the soft >bedspread and mattress. CROW: Guys... I don't think we should be watching this. MIKE: I agree. > The she got up and smoothed out the bed. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: No one understands me but you, bed. You're my only friend. The only one I need.... > She >picked up her suitcase and put her shirts and slacks away. Finally she >pulled out a photo. It wasn't of her dead parents . . . CROW: She stopped photographing their rotting corpses weeks ago. > that was still >a painful memory. This was a picture of her and Captain Picard on the >archeological field trip they had taken. TOM SERVO: That too was a painful memory, but for far different reasons. > Then sighing, she set out to >find the dining room. [Mike unwraps a candy bar and starts to eat it.] CROW: Hey Mike, is that a Snickers? MIKE: Yeah. Looks like this story's not going anywhere for a while. > > Marrissa took her seat next to her father and across from Rene. >Marie and Robert were at the opposite ends of the table. Theresa was in >a high chair next to her mother. The table was covered with a smooth >white linen cloth and on it sat a feast. TOM SERVO: The Colonel was in the drawing room. The poker used in the heinous crime was found in the garden, stained with blood. The fuzzy dice were nowhere to be seen. Immediately, Columbo suspected foul play. > Chicken breasts basted in >butter was the main course. There were steaming hot mashed potatoes, >green peas, and cauliflower in a yellow cheese sauce. CROW: In Steve's universe, HDL cholesterol is *good* for you! MIKE: You know it's good cooking if it causes a cardiac arrest. > A basket full of >fresh French bread completed the setting. CROW: 'Cause they're in France, you know. Can't you see how much in France they are? TOM SERVO: Isn't it illegal to have dinner in France without wine? Especially at a vineyard? MIKE: I just can't wait to see Marrissa's face when she realizes there's no strawberries.... > Marrissa bowed her head as >the blessing was said, CROW [as Marrissa]: Oh Lord, please let me grow up to crush and oppress all ahead of me, to dominate my husband and confuse Trek continuity. Amen. > smelling the wonderful smells of a home cooked >dinner. TOM SERVO: Family dinner. You know what that means.... ALL: LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRUMBLE!!! > "So Robert, how is business?" Jean-Luc asked, passing the >potatoes to Marrissa. TOM SERVO [as Robert]: Speaking of business, how about minding your own?! CROW [as Robert]: I'm not a failure! *You're* a failure! You're *all* failures!!! > "Fairly good," Robert responded, taking the bread from Rene. MIKE [as sports announcer]: It's a handoff by Rene, he goes downfield ten yards and laterals to Szustakowski who runs out of bounds just before being tackled! > "Fairly good, Robert?" Marie remarked. CROW [as Robert]: Yes, "fairly good". What are you, deaf?! MIKE [as Marie]: Did I mention that ever since Robert's accident with the vacuum cleaner, we don't waste any time with those pesky marital relations? > "Booming is more like >it. Star Fleet business alone is twice it was last year." TOM SERVO: Just imagine how good it'll be when humanity starts using money again! CROW [as Jean-Luc]: I saved your pathetic little grape juice factory with *my* contacts and I will continue to hold that over you! > "It's amazing what giving one bottle of wine to Admiral Necheyev >can do," Jean-Luc remarked. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: She starts dancing and taking off her clothes... that girl can *not* hold her liquor! > "In the past year, I haven't visited a >captain and not been offered some of the '49. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: We're getting the whole *fleet* drunk! Bwahahahaha! > It's a good vintage." > "The '50 is better, but I don't think that any year will beat >'33," Robert remarked. > "Perhaps," Jean-Luc replied. "I really want to see how the '63 >turns out. CROW: Oh yeah? What about the '44? Or the '02? Or the '16? How many 2-digit numbers is Ratliff going to make up, anyway?! > It was father's last pressing, and each year seems to get >better, but we taste no wine before it's time." MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Ha ha! Oh, I was saving that joke for just the right moment... what? Come on, laugh! It's funny! > "You may have a point," Robert conceded. TOM SERVO [as Robert]: By the way, last week I threw all your childhood posessions into the sewer. And I'd do it again! It was fun, fun I tell you! > "'33 was Grandfather's >last after all. Did you hear about Rene's job?" CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Yeah. Freelance loser. Well done. > "I noticed his name in the employee list at the stables," >Jean-Luc said. "So Rene, how are you enjoying being an exercise rider >at Stargazer Stables?" MIKE [as Rene, muttering]: Wine dates, wine dates, that's all they ever talk about. I'm so glad I'm running away next week.... sorry, what did you say? > "I'm enjoying it, Uncle," Rene responded. TOM SERVO [as Japanese boy]: In fact, I LIKE IT VERY *MUCH*! > "Mister White tells >me that CROW [as Rene]: ... Miss Peacock did it in the conservatory with the candlestick. > Richard, Isabelle, and I have a chance to become the new jockey >now that Maurice has retired." MIKE [as Rene]: Of course, he keeps fondling an axe and cackling something about "height requirements".... > "How are this year's prospects?" Jean-Luc asked. TOM SERVO: Suddenly he's the manager from the "Hired!" short. > "Macedonian is fast out of the gate, but slows," Rene responded. CROW [as Rene]: Then he disappears without a trace and isn't rediscovered for twenty centuries. >"In the Stars and Mistress of the Stars are too slow. MIKE [as Rene]: ... so we had them made into dog food. > Warp Speed is the >best of them, but a little slow in crowds." TOM SERVO: Then don't ride him through the stands, Rene! > "Well Mikey will cure what ails them," Jean-Luc remarked. CROW [as little kid]: Mikey'll cure 'em! He cures *everything*! MIKE: Unfortunately, Uncle Mikey's "secret formula" was banned from all racetracks last year. > "I'm >purchasing a new one to join the stable this afternoon. TOM SERVO: So who does he think he is, William Shatner? > I'll be over >tomorrow to watch them exercise and perhaps a half-mile race." CROW [as Jean-Luc]: But I'll want to keep that race down to 400 yards or less. > "I'll miss the horses when I go off to the Academy next year," >Rene commented. MIKE [as Rene]: Who else will listen to my angst-tinged teenage Sturm und Drang? > "So Marrissa, what do you do in your spare time?" TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Oh, nothing special, really. Seize control of Federation starships. Boss people around. Kill everyone who crosses me. And you? > "Not much," Marrissa responded, blushing. "I study a lot." MIKE [as Marrissa]: I rule the universe, but try to only actively influence it right before bedtime. > "Marrissa has one the last three science fairs for her age on >the Enterprise," Jean-Luc remarked proudly, much to Marrissa's >embarrassment. CROW: And ours. > "So you're a scientist," Marie assumed. "I expect you spend a >lot of time in the Enterprise's labs." TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Not when I need live human subjects. MIKE [as Marrissa]: Yup. Tampering with data, sabotaging projects, spitting in the petri dishes...it's *fun*! > "Not recently," Marrissa said, beginning to feel a little more >comfortable. "I spend too much time working on starship tactics." CROW: Apparently the Picards and their adopted spawn multitask beyond the dreams of Unix! > "Following in Jean-Luc's footsteps, I see," Robert remarked. "I >wish my son would follow in mine." TOM SERVO [as Rene]: But daddy, I don't *want* to be an experimental guinea pig for the military's bizarre super-soldier experiments! MIKE [as Robert]: Rubbish, boy, it's a family tradition! > "Not again," Rene sighed, looking up towards the ceiling as if >he was praying for divine intervention to change the topic. CROW: We've tried that, kid. It never works. > "When I was his age, I was already a fair wine tester, and spent >hours TOM SERVO [as Robert]: ... drunk in the cellar. > tending the vines," Robert remarked, shaking his fork full of >chicken at his son. MIKE: And getting feathers all over the table. > "As I recall, you grumbled tough most of the vine tending," >Jean-Luc remembered. "And as for the wine testing, you had to be almost >drunk before you could identify the wine." CROW [as Robert]: So I like to be thorough, is that so wrong? > "I never got drunk tasting wine," Robert responded. MIKE [as Robert]: But gin? All the time! > "Oh no brother, you never got drunk," Jean-Luc replied, a >twinkle in his eye. TOM SERVO: You know, sometimes when imagery hits you the wrong way, you just want to get up and toss your cookies.... > "You just fell into the wine cellar and broken your >arm." CROW [as Robert]: Accidents happen, dear brother... even to Starfleet captains. Take my meaning? > "I was distracted," Robert remarked. > "By the wine," Jean-Luc insisted, tapping the side of his >wineglass. MIKE: Jean-Luc... I think you could have picked a better time to do an intervention. > "No, by Francine DeBarque," Robert stated. > "Oh, so Francine just happened to walk by," Jean-Luc remarked. TOM SERVO: That's right, Robert, berate your son, then talk about other women in front of your wife. Why not try some full frontal nudity while you're at it? MIKE: "My Dinner with Andre," this ain't. > "I remember Francine," Marie said. "She was a grade ahead of >me. Blond hair, blue eyes, she had all the boys chasing after her. She >looked a lot like Marrissa." CROW [as Marie]: *Sigh* If she only knew how much I wanted her.... > "I've got violet eyes," Marrissa replied. "And I certainly >don't have boys chasing me." MIKE: Perverted Starfleet officers, yes, but no boys. > "Give them time Marrissa, you're only twelve," Marie stated. >Jean-Luc looked startled. "Is there something wrong, Jean-Luc?" TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: Marie, do you think I'm losing my hair? > "I remember Francine," Jean-Luc responded. "If boys come after >Marrissa like they did Francine, I don't know how I'll protect her." MIKE: Somehow I don't think Marrissa's the one you need to worry about protecting. > "Dad don't worry," Marrissa reassured, calling him dad for the >first time. "If any boy bothers me, TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... Ratliff will contrive some painful and embarrassing death for them. > I'll just tell him who my father is >and they'll leave." > "I have that reputation among children," Jean-Luc asked. CROW [as Marrissa]: No, actually your reputation is that of a pompous, overbearing stuffed-shirt panty waist... oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said among the *officers*. > "And >I'm not worried about the boys you don't like." MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: You can always bite their heads off, just like a black widow. > "You don't do anything that could get the Captain against you," >Marrissa said. "My friends thought I was crazy when I set out to get >you as my mentor. They said I was risking my time on the ship." TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: So I had them deported and had new friends sent in. I like these new ones *much* better now! > > After dinner, Marrissa explored the vineyard. Her new uncle >Robert showed her the winepress and bottler. MIKE [as Marrissa]: But if I put my hand in there, won't it hurt? CROW [as Robert]: Shut up, kid! Just do it! > Rene showed her the wine >cellar. She got her first taste of wine, which she didn't like. MIKE: Marrissa was cast out of the Picard family in disgrace. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: As God is my witness... I'LL NEVER BE FRENCH AGAIN! > Afterwards, she visited the library. The selection of books was >enormous. CROW [as Marrissa]: Let's see... there's "Hop On Pop", the Amway sales manual, "Dianetics", "Beat Bedwetting Through Hypnosis"... > One whole section of the wall contained just books for >children her age. MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... "The Kobayashi Maru Test: What It Can Do For You", "How To Gain Rank And Abuse Others", "Outwitting Adults In Ten Easy Lessons", "Awakening The Tyrant Within".... > There was Dixon's Hardy Boys, Kreene's Nancy Drew, CROW: Uh, that's *Keene*, Steve.... >and even some Three Investagators. MIKE [as Curly]: Hey Moe! TOM SERVO: Apparently no juvenile fiction has been written for over 400 years. MIKE [as Marrissa]: What kind of a library is this, anyway?! Where's the Goosebumps? CROW [as Marrissa]: No Sweet Valley High? No Encyclopedia Brown? TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: No Babysitter's Club? No Animorphs? > Marrissa pulled out one of the Nancy >Drew books, Nancy Drew and the Crumbling Wall, and opened it. It was a >first edition! CROW: Ah, yes... rare, first edition books left out in the open for any random visitor to fold, spindle and mutilate! Good one, Jean-Luc! > Marrissa knew that those were very rare and this one was >in almost mint condition after four centuries. TOM SERVO: But not for long... > She curled up in a >nearby chair and began to read it, careful not to damage it. MIKE: Apart from using the yellow marker on the good parts. CROW: And dogearing each page after she reads it. TOM SERVO: And putting scotch tape tabs at the start of each chapter. > After a while her father came in. "Anything interesting?" he >asked. MIKE: Nope. Just a lot of boring talk about books and meals and horses and wines and old girlfriends... thanks, Ratliff! CROW [deep voice]: Ratliff! This is GOD! PICK UP THE PACE!!! > "Just a Nancy Drew I haven't read," Marrissa replied without >looking up. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Just a priceless antique I wanted to devalue. > "Enjoy," the Captain said, picking up a copy of the unabridged >Shakespeare. He turned to The Taming of the Shrew, and sat down on the >couch. MIKE: A very appropriate choice for Marrissa's new father. CROW: [as Jean-Luc]: Heh heh heh... Beverly, you'll always be Kate to me. > Then Rene came in. He pulled out one of the Hardy Boys books >and sat in the chair on the other end of the couch. TOM SERVO: You know, I'd heard so much in previews about the intense reading scene, but I didn't know it would be so... so... so... CROW: Dull and uninteresting? TOM SERVO: Only more so. > Robert joined them >in the library to work on some account statements on his desk near the >windows. CROW [as Robert]: Whenever I have trouble sleeping, a little accounting *always* does the trick. > Then Rene and Marrissa yawned, one after another. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Close up the accounting stuff, Robert, it's boring us from across the room. MIKE: Plot commentary from the characters, folks! You heard it here first! > "If you are >tired, you should go to bed," Robert remarked. TOM SERVO [as Robert]: Or just drink yourselves unconscious already! > "Quite right," Jean-Luc seconded. > "Just another chapter," Marrissa and Rene replied in unison. CROW: The scene screams Norman Rockwell, but my emotions are all yelling Norman Bates. How to choose, how to choose... > "Humph," Robert responded. MIKE: And yet another adult finds himself bested by adolescents. > Soon the books slipped from Marrissa's and Rene's hands as they >fell asleep. The thump of the books hitting the floor alerted their >parents. TOM SERVO: ... who immediately beat them senseless for damaging prized antiques. CROW: Great, we've got the psi-linked cousins, the intensely lukewarm rivalry between brothers and dramatic scenes of people reading. All we need now is a little nookie and this could be Voyager. > Jean-Luc looked over at Marrissa who was curled up in the >chair with a smile on her face. She was dreaming of solving the mystery >she had just begun reading. TOM SERVO: A small squad of Romulans could wipe out the Hardy Boys and then Nancy Drew would have the world all to herself! MIKE [as Marrissa]: Mmmm... reroute... deflector dish... *snort, mumble*... lock... suspects in... *little smacking noises*... small room together... would work... Frank... > "I think I'll carry Marrissa to her room," Jean-Luc whispered to >his brother. CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Or we could drive her to Marseilles and abandon her in the streets. > "I don't want to disturb her sleep. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: She's disturbed enough during her waking hours. > She's had so little >of it with the nightmares of her parents deaths." TOM SERVO: Not to mention the ones where some Comp Sci student is controlling her like an insane marionette. > "I wouldn't get into a habit of it," Robert whispered back. MIKE [as Robert]: Love just makes people soft. >"Twelve-year-olds are heavy. I intend to wake up Rene when I finish the >accounting." CROW [as Robert]: That's why I brought this tuba in here. > "It's not that far to her room," Jean-Luc dismissed. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc, singing]: She's not heavy... she's my demon spawn... > "Rene's is even closer, but you don't see me carrying him," >Robert said, as Jean-Luc gently lifted Marrissa from her chair. MIKE [as Picard]: That's because you're not a *manly* man like me. > > Jean-Luc carried Marrissa down the hall to her room. CROW: [makes exhausted wheezing noises] MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: "Not that far"... what was I *thinking*?! > He opened >the door and brought her over to the bed. He careful stripped her of >her outer garments and slid her under the covers. [Crow, Tom and Mike all begin to politely cough.] TOM SERVO: Careful, Jean-Luc... remember, her name's Marrissa, not Soon-Yi. > Then he moved to the >door. He paused there, looking back at the sleeping girl. Robert was >right that she was heavy, but standing here at the door looking at >Marrissa sleeping peaceful for once, some how Jean- Luc knew that she >was worth every ounce. CROW: Two dollars a pound or so, depending on how choice the cut was. >Chapter Two >Day Two MIKE: Earth-Two. CROW: Mike, I just pictured a Golden Age Marrissa Picard. You die slowly and horribly in your sleep for that. >Early Morning TOM SERVO: Now is the morning of our discontent. > > Marrissa yawned as she entered the kitchen. It was ten o'clock. MIKE: P.M. TOM SERVO: See that? She's even a workaholic at slacking off. >She was wearing blue jeans and a black T-shirt with the Enterprise >printed on it. CROW: Fangirl! Fangirl! TOM SERVO: Yes, crass commercialism is alive and well in the 24th century. > Her father had been up since dawn. "Good Morning," >Jean-Luc Picard greeted. "Still sleepy I see." CROW [as Marrissa]: Couldn't sleep... I kept having this awful nightmare where I was stuck in some French hick town, and... oh. Never mind. > "I'm catching up on sleep," Marrissa replied. "Where is >everyone?" MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Left France forever to avoid you. Toast? > "Marie took Theresa in for her checkup," Jean-Luc responded. CROW: The vet's afraid they'll have to put her to sleep, poor girl. >"Robert is tending the vines and Rene is over at the stables exercising >horses." MIKE: Actually he's exorcising horses. He's thinking about becoming a minister. > "What are you going to do today?" Marrissa asked. TOM SERVO [as Brain]: The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the *world*! > "I think I'll go into town and see if any thing changed in the >last three years," Jean-Luc said. CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Then I'll remember what kind of a pathetic backwater I grew up in and drink my misery away. > "Would you like to join me?" > "Any shops in town?" Marrissa asked. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: No. Labarre has outlawed all commercial activity. We're all communists now. > "I'm short on shirts." CROW: And Steve-o is short on talent. TOM SERVO: How does Marrissa keep running out of clothing? She lives on a starship with a replicator, right? > > The town of Labarre was not very big. TOM SERVO: Changing it's name from 'Lavar' didn't help, either. MIKE: Huh? TOM SERVO: It's in Cadet Cruise. Look it up. > It was dominated by two >buildings; CROW: The Wal*Mart superstore and the Piggly Wiggly. > the town hall, a four-story gray building in the Renaissance >style; and the white Gothic style Catholic Church. Several small shops >alternated with town houses between the two. MIKE: You know, except for the architecture, this sounds like every "city" in Indiana. > As they passed the church >an old priest in a black priest's shirt came out and said, TOM SERVO [as Dave Letterman]: HEY YOU KIDS, GET OFF MY LAWN! > "Good >Morning, Jean-Luc." > "Father Francis, I didn't know you had left San Francisco," >Jean-Luc remarked. CROW [as Francis]: Yes, but my heart's still there. MIKE: Suddenly Jean-Luc's back in "Jeffrey". > "Did the Cadets finally get to you?" CROW [as Francis]: Actually, the results of the paternity test came in, and then the altar boys started talking.... MIKE: Thanks for waiting until Chapter Two to start offending people, Crow. > "It was time to move to a less stressful post," Father Francis >said. "So when Father Pierre died last fall, TOM SERVO [as evil Chekov]: ... we *all* moved up in rank! > I asked for his post." CROW [as Francis]: And his car. Hey, he won't be needing it anymore! > "Who's in charge in San Francisco now?" Jean-Luc asked. MIKE [as Francis]: Uh, the mayor and the board of supervisors, just like always. Why do you ask? > "I had >assumed that you took over the Archdiocese since Archbishop Carson >became Pope." TOM SERVO: Wow. King of late night television *and* spiritual father. MIKE [as Ed McMahon]: And now, ladies and gentlemen, heeeeeeeeeeeere's THE PONTIFF! CROW [as Johnny Carson]: Stop me if you've heard this one, but a priest, a minister and a rabbi all walked into a bar... there's no punchline, but if you don't laugh I'll excommunicate all of you and see you damned to Hell for all eternity. MIKE [as Ed McMahon]: Hwah hwah hwah... HIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! > "I declined the post. I'm too old to be running around with >Cadets and consoling Admirals," Father Francis said. "Bishop Hanson of >Alpha Centauri got the post. CROW: It was the least they could do for his rendition of "MMMBop". TOM SERVO: So why is it an entire solar system gets a bishop when each city on Earth gets its own? > Who is this young companion of yours?" MIKE [as Francis]: And why is she hissing and backing away from my crucifix? > "Oh, this is my newly adopted daughter Marrissa," Jean-Luc said. CROW [as Francis]: Uh... you can still change your mind, right? >"Marrissa, this is Father Francis. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: Marrissa, say hello to the man at whom you're going to spit pea soup. CROW [deep, gravelly voice]: There is no Marrissa. Only... ZUUUUUUUUUUL! > He was my confessor during my >Academy days." MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: He used to put me in a comfy chair and poke me with soft cushions until I confessed. > "Pleased to meet you Father Francis," Marrissa said. > "Pleased to meet you, young Marrissa," Father Francis responded. TOM SERVO: Father, Daughter; Daughter, Father. MIKE: Father, Father; Daughter, Daughter. CROW: Daughter, Father; Father, Daughter. TOM SERVO: Daughter, Daughter; Father, Father. >"So Jean-Luc, where are you off to today. Is it the restaurants, the >parks, or the bars?" MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: The bars, of course. Nothing like starting the day with a good drunk. And with my 12-year old daughter in tow, too. > "The T-shirt shop," Jean-Luc remarked. "Marrissa didn't pack >enough." TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: She's always running low on T-shirt shops. > "Mind if I join you?" the priest asked. "I'm leading a retreat >of seminarians and I've got to get some T-shirts as well." CROW: The Father can't get enough of those "Big Johnson" T-Shirts. MIKE: Your collection dollars at work. > > A brass bell rang when Jean-Luc, Marrissa, and Father Francis >entered the shop. TOM SERVO [as doorman from Wizard of Oz]: WHO RANG THAT BELL?!? > A heavy oak counter ran across the back of the shop. CROW: It bopped into the wall and fell down. >In the front of the shop were several racks of finished shirts. MIKE: Each shirt was hand-picked and barrel-aged for that authentic wearing experience. > As one >of them appeared to contain shirts around her size, Marrissa walked over >to it and began to look through it. TOM SERVO: So Marrissa's got X-ray vision now? > Jean-Luc stood behind her near the >door. Father Francis walked over to the counter. CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Getaway car's clear. You have the phaser? MIKE [as Francis]: Yeah. We attack the cashier on three. > As he reached it, a >black-haired man came out from behind the curtain in the back of the >shop. CROW: Jean-Luc could tell by the way he held the shotgun he meant business. > "Good morning Father," he said. > "Good morning, Philippe," Father Francis said. "I have to >purchase thirty T-shirts for a retreat." TOM SERVO: Bad choice of words, Father... the French are still touchy about that World War II thing. > "I'll go get my religious designs," Philippe excused himself. MIKE [as Philippe]: Um, I've got dunking chairs, tainted Koolade, power crystals, the Hale-Bopp comet... what denomination did you say you were again? CROW: They're right next to the Elvis designs. Not much difference, really. > Father Francis turned back to look at Marrissa and Jean-Luc as >he waited for Philippe's return. Marrissa had just pulled out a light >blue shirt with the town hall and Saint Andrew's in the foreground. TOM SERVO: Proving that even in the future, small-town tourist items are still bland and uninteresting. >Rows of grape vines stretched out behind the buildings and Jean-Luc's >head was painted above them. CROW: Aw, great, they wandered into a Creation Convention. > With a mischievous grin, Marrissa turned >around and asked, holding it up against her chest, "What do you think?" MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Well, maybe when puberty sets in it'll look a little more... oh. You meant the shirt. > Jean-Luc looked at the shirt. He read the inscription below the >picture, "I visited Labarre, France, Home of Captain Picard." ALL [reciting dully]: ... and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. > His eyes >looked up to the ceiling, "What possessed Philippe to create such a >shirt." TOM SERVO: Either the Devil or Ratliff. > "You don't like it?" Marrissa asked, careful to keep her >laughter out of her voice. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Why can't you just get a Metallica T-shirt like all the other kids? > "Marrissa, I'd like to have it burnt," Jean-Luc said in a >monotone. CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Fetch the gasoline like a good girl, Marrissa. I know I've got a lighter here somewhere.... > "Good, because I think its trash," Marrissa said. MIKE [as Marrissa]: I mean just look at that hideous freak on the shirt! What's he doing, warning us against tractor acciden-- oh, sorry dad! > "Now this one >is much more to my tastes." She pulled out a red shirt with black >shoulders. Across the shirt in silver letters was written 'Future >Star Fleet Officer.' CROW [as Marrissa]: Future Genocidial Maniac was all sold out. > "Nice choice," Jean-Luc said. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: I prefer sleazy commercialism that's a little more restrained. TOM SERVO: Yes, folks, this is about as subtle as the foreshadowing gets around here. > Meanwhile, Philippe had returned and laid out the book of >designs. "What would you like to start with?" CROW [as Francis]: Oh, I don't know, you got one of a half-open skull with flaming red eyes and blood pouring out the top onto a naked babe? > "A cross, Latin I think," the priest said. "And an inscription, >'seminarian retreat 2370 Rome' and I need some sort of slogan, but >one escapes me for the moment." MIKE: We've got a few ideas... right guys? CROW: "Priests do it in an altared state." TOM SERVO: "Kiss Me, I'm Catholic" MIKE: "Sexy but celibate." CROW: "I was a minor character dragooned into Ratliff's ghastly fanfic and all I've got to show for it is this lousy T-shirt!" TOM SERVO: How about: "Murder and oppression are our specialty."? MIKE: "The Catholic Church: Not just for Inquisitions anymore!" CROW: "Spreading our tentacles over half the galaxy." MIKE: "We still won't acknowledge everything from World War II!" TOM SERVO: "The Final Fatima Prophecy - so what!" CROW: "Get thee behind me Satan, or I'll kick your ass!" > "How about Expectant Father," Marrissa said from across the >room, grinning. All eyes turned to her. [dead silence] CROW [as Francis]: *You* adopted her. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: I know... I *know*... > "Well they are about to become >priests, and that is what you call priests." TOM SERVO: That explanation provided for all the space aliens who know nothing about human civilization who might read this story. CROW: So, most anyone you find on Usenet, then? MIKE: Ka-zing! > "Expectant Father . . . I like it," Father Francis responded >after a moment. TOM SERVO: Even men of the cloth were no match for Marrissa's indomitable will. > He pointed to a particular design and continued, >"Philippe, I like this one. CROW [as Francis]: Drawing of a tuxedo on a T-shirt, cracks me up every time. > Put the event here and 'Expectant >Father' right below it in larger type. I'd like it in black with white >print." MIKE [as Philippe]: Right. I can get it to you in blue or red. > Meanwhile Marrissa had picked out a couple T-shirts. Jean-Luc >paid for them and the two walked back to the vineyard. TOM SERVO: That was gripping... but I didn't like where I was gripped. > > Marie was sweeping the walk when they got there. She looked up >and said, CROW [as Marie]: Welcome... to... Stepford. You... will... like... it... here. > "Marrissa, Rene wants to know if you'd accompany him to the >stables." MIKE [falsetto]: He asked me! He asked me! > "Yes," Marrissa responded. TOM SERVO: Such scintillating dialogue. I can't wait to hear more. > "He's in his room at the moment," Marie remarked. "Go tell >him." Marrissa skipped into the house. When Marrissa was inside, Marie >spoke up again, CROW [as Marie]: I don't know how you people do things on your fancy- schmancy Enterprise, but down here, good decent folks don't skip. They trudge with the weight of their dull, monotonous lives pressing down hard upon their shoulders. > "You've got a very happy young girl, Jean-Luc." MIKE: Absolute power has that effect on people. > "You wouldn't have said that if you'd seen her before we left >the Enterprise," Jean-Luc responded. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: I'm very careful to deprive her of joy twice daily. It builds character. > "She was positively depressed. >Her parent's death hit her hard, but the moment we left the ship, she >perked up." CROW: She knew by then that her plan to attach herself to Jean-Luc like a limpet had succeeded. > "Then don't expect it to last," Marie said. > "Oh?" MIKE [as Marie]: Puberty will make her a surly shrew. > "Right now she's seeing something new. It keeps her mind off >her sorrow. Eventually she will remember again." > "I had hoped the nightmares and depression were over." CROW: So did we... TOM SERVO: Jean-Luc's new at this emotion stuff. > "They will be diminished, but only time will heal." MIKE: Unless it reveals a new series of tragedies and horrors to her, in which case time wounds over and over. CROW: Of course, there *are* the will-deadening drugs to consider.... > "I've had many officers die under my command, and had to tell >many of their children of their parent's death before. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: It was getting to be like an assembly line. In. Out. Lickity split. No fuss, no muss. It's how a sensitive and touchy situation like this *should* be handled. > Until Marrissa, >I don't think I really had any idea how it affected them though." MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Me being an insensitive bastard and all. > "You have a daughter now, Jean-Luc. That changes everything." CROW [as Marie]: For one thing, now you have a tax writeoff. >Chapter Three >Day Two >Midday CROW: Mike? MIKE: Yes, Crow? CROW: At the start of this fic, we were promised horses. It's now Chapter Three, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of a magnificent steed. If I don't see some horsies pronto, I'm going to start torching the place! > > Marrissa knocked on Rene's door. "Come in," Rene's voice said. TOM SERVO: ... after he scrambled to zip up his pants and hide the Playboys. >Marrissa entered. The room was white walled where pictures of starships >and starship Captains inter-spaced with the occasional horse picture >wasn't covering. MIKE: So he's a cross between a Star Trek geek and a 12-year-old girl? CROW: In other words, if Marrissa was a real person? > There was a single bed with a black bedspread under >the window. TOM SERVO [singing]: I see a bedspread and I want it painted black.... > There was a dresser, a book case, and a desk; all made of >walnut. CROW: Hmmm, edible furniture. What a concept! > All available surfaces were covered with model starships. MIKE: All *right*! A *modeling* nerd! > Rene >was working on a model of the Enterprise-C. MIKE [as Rene]: So I used a test article to see how the spillover from the cyanoacrylates affected the paint.... CROW [as Marrissa]: Thank you. > He had the stardrive >section complete except for the warp engines which he was fastening the >red tips on. MIKE [as Rene]: And I checked -- these are in 1/4178th scale, which really frosts my shorts because these others are in 1/4125th which is a much more standard scale.... CROW [as Marrissa]: All right, thanks. > "Did you make all of these?" Marrissa asked. > "From kits," Rene said proudly. MIKE [as Rene]: Anyway, I found the rear secondary phaser arrays were nearly half a scale foot too large when I checked my references.... CROW [as Marrissa]: Yeah, fascinating. > "I started with the >Enterprise-D over there." He pointed to the model on the dresser. MIKE [as Rene]: So after I did a test paint on some of the skeleton to make sure the paint dried to the right shade -- the one they suggest has a slight gloss that gets distorted under the decal set compound.... CROW [as Marrissa]: O-kaaaaay. >"Then I did the Stargazer. When the Nebula came out I did it. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: I was going to do the Voyager model, but nobody could find that one. > I was >finished before they commissioned the second ship. MIKE [as Rene]: Anyway, so I did some kitbashing 'cause the ERTL kits just don't match with the putty well and found by using different bottles of the same paint color I could get the detail effect I want under indirect and reflected light.... CROW [as Marrissa]: Right, right. > Then I started on >the rest of the Enterprises, MIKE [as Rene]: But it takes so long to sand those lousy raised panel lines off the saucer. MAN, I hate those. I spend all afternoon with the emory board and it just makes me.... CROW [as Marrissa]: This is only interesting to YOU, Rene. > but I haven't had as much time since I got >the job at the stables." > "I know how that is," Marrissa commented. > "Oh?" TOM SERVO: Yeah, she knows what it's like to have a stable position. [Mike thwacks Tom in the head] > "Jay Gordon and I started a club, CROW [as Marrissa]: Oh, no, wait, we started clubbing people. My mistake. > after we were trapped in the >turbolift with Captain Picard, to learn how to command and run the ship >and have some fun doing it," Marrissa began. MIKE [as Marrissa]: We never had friends, you know. TOM SERVO: Oh yeah, that compares perfectly with having an ACTUAL JOB. > "We decided that whoever >had the highest time in a recently retired Academy scenario would be in >charge. CROW: Once again, the Kobayashi Maru rears its ugly, overused head! TOM SERVO: I think Ratliff is finally tired of getting beat up for this for every fanfic he writes. > I lasted longer . . . so I have to makes sure everything is >ready for our twice weekly meeting." MIKE [as Jay]: Bean dip? CROW [as Marrissa]: Check. MIKE [as Jay]: Extra greasy Muncharoos Brand Simulated Potato Flavour Chips? CROW [as Marrissa]: Check. MIKE [as Jay]: Three cases of Burping Baby Cola? CROW [as Marrissa]: Check. MIKE [as Jay]: Detailed coup plans for seizing the bridge of the Enterprise? CROW [as Marrissa]: Check. MIKE [as Jay]: Great, we're in business! Break out the chips and pass me a phaser! > "How did you end up trapped in the turbolift with Uncle >Jean-Luc?" Rene asked. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I can't say until after the civil trial finishes. > "It was a couple of years ago," Marrissa began. ALL: FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK! > "I had just won >the science fair for the first time. Everyone in my class wanted to >win. MIKE: The writers were getting desperate. They'd used most of the good ideas last season. > The prize was a TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... blind date with Commander Riker. Second prize was two dates with Commander Riker. > tour of the ship by the Captain. Captain Picard >was a hero to most of them, CROW [as Marrissa]: ... because they never saw my videotapes of him. > but at the time I needed the A. MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... so I resolved to kiss some serious butt. > My father >had told me that if I got an A, he would CROW [as Marrissa]: ... finally let me out of the garage and let me sleep in the house. > take me camping, and I love >camping. MIKE [as Marrissa]: Especially on the holodeck, where every bit of everything is absolutely synthetic, controlled, predictable, and harmless! TOM SERVO: Um... the one on Star Trek? The weekly technological disaster? MIKE: Oh yeah. Forgot myself. > So I worked and studied until I had the best project I'd ever >done. MIKE: She modified a Sega Master System to accept Game Gear carts. > I won and Counselor Troi brought me, Jay Gordon, and Patterson >Supra to the bridge to claim our prize." CROW [as Marrissa]: But first we had to write checks to the people running the contest, and we couldn't let anyone in the government know about it.... > "I was so nervous that I couldn't even look up to see the >Captain. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: If he found my secret vial of Ratliff Gas, the whole plan would go wrong! > It was my first time on the bridge, and all I saw of it was >the carpet and the Captain Picard's boots." CROW [as Marrissa]: Which I was then instructed to lick clean. > "When we got in the turbolift, he asked us about our science >projects. Jay and Patterson told him about their projects. Then the >Captain asked about mine. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: A simulated potholder... fascinating... > I gathered up my courage and looked up at >him. Just as I was about to tell him, my science project struck." TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: My campaign to take over the Enterprise had begun. > "Your science project ran amuck on the Enterprise?" Rene >interrupted. CROW: Oh, whose don't? > "No, my science project was an analyst of quantum filament >distribution and movement. MIKE [as Marrissa]: We got those words from the random technobabble generator. > That day, two hit the Enterprise. TOM SERVO [sarcastically]: What are the odds? > Anyway >the turbolift started to fall, and Jay, Patterson, and I started to >scream. The Captain stated the obvious, CROW: Isn't that the Counselor's job? > and only made things worse." MIKE [as Marrissa]: He insisted that we pull his finger. > "Finally the lift stopped. We were on spread out on the floor >of the lift and he had a broken ankle. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Served him right for being such a butthead. > The Captain tried to contact >someone, but communications were out. Jay stated that 'they're all >dead.' This was enough to get us all crying. MIKE [as Marrissa, crying]: No more tormenting our teachers! CROW [as Marrissa, crying]: No more harassing our friends' parents! TOM SERVO [as Marrissa, crying]: No more psychologically abusing the younger kids! > The Captain tried to >reassure us and told us to 'stop crying.' We only got louder." > "Then he hit CROW [as Marrissa]: ... us all really hard with the butt end of his phaser. That shut us up real quick. > upon the idea of appointing us his crew. TOM SERVO: And thus began a long, galactic nightmare. > He made >Patterson his Executive Officer in charge of radishes, CROW: Radishes?! TOM SERVO: Radishes. MIKE: It's official Trek canon, guys. CROW: You think that makes it BETTER?! > Jay was his >Science Officer, and he appointed me his First Officer, his Number One. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Okay, but *radishes*? CROW [as Marrissa]: Shut up. >I had never been selected for anything before. I had always been the >shy little girl in the back of the room. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Uh-huh. Sure. So when Uncle Jean-Luc started going off on radishes, you knew he'd gotten a full dose of goofy juice, right? CROW [as Marrissa]: Thank you. Yes. > I still have those two rank >pips in my jewelry box." MIKE [as Marrissa]: Along with twenty others that will eventually be pinned to my uniform... but that's another story. > "Anyway he enlisted us to check on the safety clamps. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: So you listened to him after he appointed somebody in charge of radishes? CROW [as Marrissa]: Would you get *over* it already? > Jay >reported that one was broken. MIKE [as Marrissa]: Then he admitted he didn't have a clue what he was doing. > The Captain explained the need for us to >leave, telling us to leave him behind. After a couple comments from Jay >and Patterson, I summoned up my courage and told him that we all were >going or were all staying. TOM SERVO [as Kurt Russell]: You go... we go. > He agreed, but told me it was mutiny." CROW [as Marrissa]: It was merely a foretaste of things to come. > "We chained ourselves together with some optical cabling and >climbed up the shaft. MIKE [as Marrissa]: Luckily we brought a block and tackle set along so us three little kids could haul a full-grown man with a broken ankle out the top of the turbolift. > When the turbolift gave way, we got a little >scared. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Since we were being kept from horrible, painful death by something with the tensile strength of spaghetti. > So he asked me if I knew a song. All I could think of was a >lame tune called 'The Laughing Vulcan and his Dog.' The Captain >didn't know it CROW: 'Cause it would have taken a writer to make up the song. > and suggested 'Frere Jacques.' TOM SERVO: The "writers" figured he would have to love that stupid song, being French and all. > So we MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... laughed in his face and cut him loose. > sang that until >we reached a door that would open." > "So that's it?" Rene asked. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Please? I'll give you a dollar. CROW: Actually, I have a feeling this boring recap of events everybody is already familiar with is going to grind on for a least a half- dozen more paragraphs. > "No, later we made a plaque to give to the Captain," Marrissa >said. MIKE [as Marrissa]: We had a sandwich for breakfast. It was lightly toasted and had ham, a fine prosciutto with a bit of Kosciusko mustard. It was served with a light ginger ale that was slightly flat. They... TOM SERVO: Enough. > "Counselor Troi brought us to the Bridge to give it to the >Captain. MIKE [as Marrissa]: This gave me the perfect opportunity to dope the rest of the bridge crew with Ratliff Gas. > Commander Riker was CROW [as Marrissa]: ... busy reading the Romulan edition of Penthouse. > in command. He made a comment that the >Counselor couldn't stay away from the command chair. Apparently she'd >been in command during the disaster." TOM SERVO: Or, well, in command of the two other people she could contact, actually. > "The Ship's Counselor in command?" Rene interrupted. MIKE [as Rene]: I'm surprised you lived to tell about it! > "It's not a usual situation," Marrissa said. CROW: Yeah, she was an adult at the tail end of the story. Usually Ratliff has 'em all killed off by then! > "Anyway, she >replied, that she wasn't 'cut out for the big chair' but said that >First Officer might be more to her liking, TOM SERVO: 'Cause she was more than able to ask stupid questions that lead into exposition. > citing its lack of real >qualifications. MIKE: Just like Vice-President. > Then Riker called the Captain to the Bridge. We >presented him with the plaque and he promised to finish the tour. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: For some reason it resumed with me looking at the inside of the phaser cannon. > As he >left the bridge, he said 'You have the Bridge, Number One.' >Automatically both Commander Riker and I said 'Aye sir.' ALL: Wah wah wah wwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... > He turned >back to me and I laughed nervously. He winked at me TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I knew what the wink meant and I hated him for it. > and left the >bridge." MIKE [as Marrissa]: And then we had to sit through some lousy commercials and the closing credits. CROW: You know, this kind of thing was fine... before they invented *VCRs*! TOM SERVO: Sort of like being there, isn't it? MIKE: Sure is. Reading this, I get the same throbbing headache and feeling that Gene Roddenberry is doing 360s in his grave that I got when watching this very episode. > Rene looked at his clock and said, TOM SERVO [as Rene]: *sigh*... will this torment *never* end? > "Its time for me to depart >for the stables, MIKE [as Rene, muttering]: At least the *horses* won't talk my ear off.... > would you like to come along?" CROW [as Rene, whispering]: Please say no, please say no.... > "Yes," Marrissa responded. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Damn. Me and my big mouth... > "Can you ride?" Rene asked as they exited his room. CROW [as Marrissa]: Are you kidding? I've owned a Harley for years! > "I qualified as level seven on the Day-Lucas jockey >qualifications scenario," Marrissa said. MIKE: Yeah, but what was her Horsiyashi Maru time? > "That's only one below my qualifications," Rene said amazed. TOM SERVO: Trust us, Rene, you get used to this kind of thing *real quick* around her.... >"What got a starship resident like you interested in horse racing?" CROW [as Marrissa]: Ratliff spent his entire summer vacation reading Dick Francis novels, I think. MIKE [as Marrissa]: Besides, I have to be better than everybody at *everything*. > "Well to tell the truth CROW [as game show announcer]: ... with your host, Garry Moore! MIKE & TOM: [applause] > I started out trying to prove that I was >old enough to ride my own horse the next time my family went on a >camping trip," Marrissa explained as they walked down stairs and out the >door "I was ten years old and determined to show that I was the best. >So I asked for the hardest program. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: The holodeck made two foam blocks appear and told me the objective was to genetically engineer a virus that would transform me into a horse. > It took me two months to get past >level two, and I just got to level seven last week." MIKE [as Marrissa]: It got much easier once I found the cheat code! > "Then we don't have to worry about anything," Rene commented. > "Worry?" Marrissa asked. CROW [as Marrissa]: What, me worry? > "We're short one rider this week," Rene said. TOM SERVO: Uh oh, here it comes... Marrissa wins the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes, *and* the Kentucky Derby all in the same weekend. Pardon me while I toss my cookies. > "Mike, MIKE: AAAAAHHHH!!! [Mike ducks down below the seats] TOM SERVO: Mike! What's wrong, buddy? Snap out of it! MIKE [coming back up]: I... I'm okay. For a second there, I thought I was a character in a Ratliff fanfic. It was horrible... horrible... > the >trainer, wants to test the horses to see how they function in a crowd. CROW [as Rene]: So... can you be seventeen thousand people? >Five horses aren't really enough to see how a horse runs, but six is a >lot better." MIKE [as Michael Palin]: Seven is *right* out. TOM SERVO: Apparently horses increase on a logarithmic scale. > > Rene arrived at Stargazer Stables' trainer's office. The head >trainer, Michael White MIKE [relieved]: THANK YOU, Ratliff, for picking any name but Nelson! TOM SERVO: So the mayor of Cleveland is their horse trainer? > was behind his desk, stitching a bridle. He was >man of about sixty with white hair. CROW [as trainer]: I've spent my life on this bridle... I toiled away my years of sowing wild oats just so I could work on this, my magnum opus. > He was wearing an old faded red >sweat shirt TOM SERVO: The Starfleet Santa Squad! > with the words "U.S.S. Stargazer Engineering, Lesser is >better" written across the front. MIKE: Could somebody please explain to me how that slogan makes any sense whatsoever? > "Reporting for duty sir," Rene >announced. CROW [as Rene]: And I want a rubber ducky and a Nintendo and a horsey -- oh, wait, I guess I don't have to ask for that -- uh, and a 1/144 Saturn I-B model, and... > "You're not a Cadet yet, Rene," the man responded looking up >from his work. TOM SERVO [as Mike/Santa]: Let's see now... have you been fighting with your parents again? > "Sorry Mike," Rene said. "May I introduce my new cousin, >Marrissa?" MIKE: She's there to replace the old cousin he broke last week. > "Good afternoon, Marrissa," Mike responded. TOM SERVO [as Mike/Santa]: Wellll! What would *you* like, little girl? MIKE [as Marrissa]: Thanks, Santa, but I *take* what I want. > "You said you might >have a solution to our shortage of jockeys for today's test race, Rene?" CROW [as Mike]: Buy some more underwear? Very funny, Rene! > "Yes, Marrissa," Rene said. TOM SERVO [as Mike]: Stop calling me Marrissa! > Mike surveyed the young girl. MIKE [as Mike]: So, Marrissa, do you approve or disapprove of the president's performance since he took office? > She was almost five feet tall, >and her bearing was quite regal. CROW: There is something so "Logan's Run" about this scene. > Something about her reminded him of >the Princess Royal of Great Britain MIKE: She was a deeply inbred, emotionally deranged, over-promoted doofus with delusions of grandeur... hey, wait a minute... TOM SERVO: Too bad *this* princess isn't destined to die in France. > who had recently tried to purchase >several of the stable's stock. CROW: But, even with junk bonds, she couldn't acquire enough stock to gain a controlling interest. > Physically, Mike could see no reason why >she couldn't ride horses, but more than that would be required before >she rode his horses. TOM SERVO: She'd have to ride *him* first! MIKE: Oh, ick... > "Marrissa, do you have any riding experience?" >Mike asked. CROW [as Mike]: Have you brought your resume with you? > "I've been riding horses since I was eight, sir," Marrissa said. >"I recently tested myself on the Day-Lucas program and received a rating >of seven." TOM SERVO: Great, we get a break from hearing her Kobayashi Maru scores and it turns into the same thing, different test. > "Can I look at those records?" Mike asked. He had known only a >couple at her age that had those qualifications. MIKE [as Marrissa]: You *dare* to question my word, peasant?! *Off* with his head! > "If you have a com link, I should be able to pull a copy from >the Enterprise," Marrissa said. CROW: In the future, we'll *all* have fax machines! > Mike gestured over to a console in the >back the office, nearly covered with paper. TOM SERVO: Aw, no, it's a Babylon 5 crossover. > Marrissa moved some of it >aside and quickly made the necessary connections. MIKE [as Marrissa]: H-T-T-P-colon-backslash-backslash-W-W-W-dot- E-N-T-E-R-P-R-I-Z-E... no, no, E-N-T-I-R.... no, no, darn it! Surfing the web sucks when you're a Ratliff character! > She had mail, CROW [as AOL voice]: You've got mail! > but >ignored it. TOM SERVO: Even the urgent notice from Interpol reporting that Mike White was wanted for running a child-murder ring. > "There you go sir." > "Marrissa, stop calling me sir," Mike ordered. CROW: What is she, Marcie from the Peanuts gang all of a sudden? MIKE [as Perry White]: Don't call me chief! > "I haven't been >Chief Engineer on a starship for longer than you've been alive." TOM SERVO [as Mike]: And if it weren't for that horrible misunderstanding, I'd *still* be cruising the galaxy instead of wasting my life at these crummy stables sweeping up horse apples! > He >took her place at the console and looked over the record. CROW [as Mike]: Hmm... "Happiness Is A Warm Gun"... "Fool On The Hill"... "Hello Goodbye"... is this an omen or something? > Her pose in >the saddle was a natural one. It showed no sign of artificial training. MIKE: Oh come on, she's *way* too young for her saddle to be artificial, if you know what I mean. >He liked that. She controlled her horse, not letting it get away from >her, TOM SERVO: Much like every conversation she's ever been in. > and she moved though the pack quite easily. CROW: ... using her phaser to clear the path. > "Not bad," he commented after he finished reviewing the record. MIKE: He gave it three stars and wrote a four paragraph critique for Rolling Stone magazine. >"Marrissa, you'll ride the new filly, Lady Stargazer. TOM SERVO: Something tells me Marrissa's gonna feel right at home with a riding crop in her hand.... > Rene, I believe >you like Macedonian." MIKE [as Rene]: Oh, I *love* Macedonian, but I'll have to take some of that Pepcid AC first. > "Is Richard riding Warp Speed again?" Rene asked. [Crow rhythmically beats his head against the chair] CROW: Why. *thump* Can't. *thump* There. *thump* Be. *thump* A. *thump* Single. *thump* Reference. *thump* In. *thump* This. *thump* Fic. *thump* That. *thump* Doesn't. *thump* Revolve. *thump* Around. *thump* Starships?! *thump* *thump* *thump* > "Yes." > "You really should let Isabelle try Warp Speed," Rene suggested. > "Rene, leave the assignments to me," Mike stated. MIKE [as Mike]: Look, Rene, I don't tell you how to dull the senses of everyone who tastes that anti-freeze your family tries to pass off as wine, and you don't tell me how to run the horsies, understand? TOM SERVO: Never let your jockeys have any say in how they're going to race. > As Marrissa and Rene waited for their turns to be lead MIKE: Being the youngest, they had to wait until after all the adults were transmuted into lead. > into the >starter's gate, Rene told her about the others they would be racing. CROW [as Rene]: Speed Racer, the cars from 'Pole Position', Turbo Teen, Wonder Wheels, and of course the animated 'Dukes of Hazzard'. It's pretty unfair, but we all figured you'd win anyway. >"In gate one is Warp Speed, ridden by Richard," Rene began. "In two is >Insignia, the horse that won the Preakness this year with our retired >jockey Maurice aboard." CROW [as Rene]: Some people call him the space cowboy, 'cause he speaks of the pompatus of love. > "I watched him win the Derby," Marrissa stated. "But I thought >this was just two-year-olds." MIKE: No, Ratliff hasn't let his heroes be *that* young yet. > "Insignia is in to help push the horses it do better, TOM SERVO: What? Run that by me again? > and we >don't have that many two year- olds," Rene said. "Anyway, in gate three >is Jean on In the Stars. CROW [as Rene]: Next to her is Lucy on In The Sky With Diamonds. > Fourth is Mistress of the Stars ridden by >Isabelle. MIKE: So why are all the horses named after Star Trek fanfics? > I'll be in the fifth gate, and you'll be in gate six." TOM SERVO: International arrivals will be at gate seven; Northwest at gate eight. > "I'll try not to cut you off," Marrissa said, nervously. CROW: Isn't that what John Bobbit's new wife said? > "You'll be lucky to stay within a length," MIKE [as Rene]: Unless I mean a furlong. TOM SERVO: Which is two and a quarter rods, right? MIKE: No, that's half a hogshead. > Rene remarked as >Macedonian was lead into the gate. CROW: What was he out of the gate? Gold? > > Over by the finish line, Mike was joined by Captain Jean-Luc >Picard. "Which gate is Rene?" MIKE [as Mike]: Umm... Rene's a person, Captain. I'm sorry, sir, we should have briefed you on this. > he asked as he head his horse, Mercutio >up to the rail. TOM SERVO [snickering]: All I can picture is Jean-Luc head-butting his horse over to the rail.... > "He's in 5," Mike said. "Your Marrissa is in 6." CROW [as Mike]: *My* Marrissa's in three; Siemer's Marrissa is in one; and that nice Mercer boy's Marrissa is in four. > Then he >pushed a button on his remote. MIKE: Maybe he's putting the story on fast forward? TOM SERVO: Don't bet on it. > The gates opened and he began calling >the race. "And they're off. CROW [as John Cleese]: It's Queen Victoria taking the lead followed closely by Queen Victoria. Queen Victoria is in third with Queen Victoria coming up fast on the outside.... > Macedonian leads out of the gate with Warp >Speed MIKE: Huh. A faster than light horse. Who knew? > close behind. Insignia's third followed by In the Stars and >Mistress of the Stars. CROW: Now, Felix and Oscar's horse starts running out in the middle of things! > Lady Stargazer brings up the rear. TOM SERVO: Far Fignewton, ridden by a pair of small white lab mice takes the lead! > Lady >Stargazer passes In the Stars and Mistress as they go around the turn. MIKE: Santa's Little Helper runs out onto the track! >On the backstretch, Insignia and Warp Speed are battling it out with >Macedonian, a close third. CROW: And now Darren Stevens, turned into a horse by Andora, charges for the front of the pack! > Coming on fast is Lady Stargazer, she takes >third as they enter the finial turn. TOM SERVO [as race announcer]: And now the horses are racing up a church steeple and over the finial! Ladies and gentlemen, I never would have thought this was possible! > Down the stretch they come. Lady >Stargazer comes up on the outside of Warp Speed and Insignia who is >falling back. CROW: And now Benji runs out and takes the lead! > As they come to the wire it's Lady Stargazer by a head >over Warp Speed. MIKE: But they were all beaten by an English nanny who rode in on a carousel horse at the last second! > Macedonian finishes third over Insignia. Mistress of >the Stars edges out In the Stars for fifth. CROW: This concludes another thrilling episode of Marrissa Can't Lose. MIKE: Boy, there's nothing like a good racing subplot to move a story along, huh? TOM SERVO: Yeah, look how well it worked in Sidehackers, Wild Rebels, Master Ninja II, Riding With Death.... > "Good call, Mikey," Jean-Luc Picard remarked. CROW: I'm sorry, I can't see Jean-Luc calling *anyone* "Mikey". Not even if interstellar peace depended on it. > "It looks like we >may have two good Derby horses this year." MIKE: Only two horses? That's going to be an awfully dull Kentucky Derby. TOM SERVO: So... like your average Kentucky Derby, then? > "That makes my job even harder," Mike said. "There seems to be >a jockey shortage." CROW: I think Ratliff should be made to write out the phrase "jockey shortage" over and over again until he understands the bad joke. > "Richard looks good," Jean-Luc commented. MIKE [as effeminate Jean-Luc]: Just look at the hindquarters on *that* young stallion... hellooooo *sailor*! > "He pushes his horse a little too much," Mike said. "And I'm >afraid he's the local bully as well. CROW [as Robert]: He's already beat up two horses and put a third in the hospital. > I've told him to stop and if he >tries to beat up his sister Isabelle or Rene one more time, I'm firing >him no matter how much I need a jockey." TOM SERVO [TV announcer voice]: By day, he's a horse trainer. By night, he crusades for justice. Tune in this Tuesday night for _Michael: For Hire_. This time, there's no more horsing around... with the *law*. > Then Marrissa came up leading Lady Stargazer. "Did you see the >race," She asked. CROW: Well, he *was* standing at the finish line. Some hint of the race *may* have drifted into his view.... > "Yes I did, Marrissa," Jean-Luc replied. "You rode well." >Marrissa blushed. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Is that enough vague parental affection for you? I want to knock off for the week. TOM SERVO: Let's get out of here, guys. [Everyone gets up and leaves the theater] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL] [Tom Servo is standing on the control panel, wearing a cowboy outfit, complete with hat, shirt and chaps. Crow is at his usual place, wearing a blonde wig and typing on a computer that has been set up on his side of the control panel. Cheesy western music plays in the background.] TOM SERVO: Well, ah reck'n it all started 'round about the time when Marrissa told Old Timer Mikey White that she really knew her stuff up there in the saddle and she should get a chance to try out one of the horses. 'Course she didn't mention that all her riding experience came from the merry-go-round at the county fair and she didn't really know thing one about riding a *real* horse, but she figured that when Mikey asked to see her qualifications on the computer, why she'd just hack the system and whip up a fake that was good enough to fool 'im. But you got to get up pretty early in the mornin' to fool Old Mikey, and he wasn't gonna be takin' no wooden nickels from no pint-sized pipsqueak no matter *how* good her Kobayashi Maru was! No sir! [Mike comes in from stage right, dressed as Mikey White and twirling a lasso. He throws the lasso over Crow and pulls him away from the computer. As Crow struggles in the lasso, Mike looks down at him and says...] MIKE [as Mikey]: So you think you know your way around horses, huh? Well, let me tell you what we're gonna do.... [Mike picks up a stick from the floor and starts scratching words in the floor behind the control panel.] TOM SERVO: And as Marrissa watched Old Timer Mikey White scratch the words "Junior Kid's Crew Rodeo" in the dirt, she said... CROW [as Marrissa, excited]: Say! Now *that's* an idea! [Mike takes the lasso off Crow and they both head offstage in opposite directions.] TOM SERVO: Well, before you know it, Marrissa got to talkin' with all her little friends, and then they started puttin' up posters, handin' out flyers and printin' up T-shirts, and before you could say "lickety split" we had ourselves a big ol' rodeo in town! Marrissa even came up with a slogan for the whole thing.... [Two people out of camera view raise a banner to the ceiling that reads "Le Rodeo De La Crew D'Enfant: Just Horsing Around".] TOM SERVO: Well, let me tell you, we had a turnout for this thing that was even bigger than the Jerry Lewis film festival! And just about anybody who was anybody got a chance to ride! First there was Marrissa.... [Gypsy enters from stage left, dressed up as the Pony Express horse from "The Gunslinger". Crow is on Gypsy's back wearing a blond wig and desperately trying to hold on as Gypsy keeps trying to buck him off.] CROW [as Marrissa]: Ow! Stop! Cut it out, you stupid horse! Don't you know I've got a Kobayashi Maru score of twenty one oh [Crow flies off Gypsy's back] THREEEEEEE... [Crow crashes to the floor as Gypsy exits stage left] TOM SERVO: Then we got Father Francis to give it a whirl.... [Gypsy enters from stage left with Crow on her back, dressed this time in a priest's outfit complete with white collar and Father Sarducci hat, and again trying to keep from being bucked off.] CROW [as Francis]: Whoa! Ouch! Dear God, give me strength! Dominus opus immaculata [Crow flies off] in PATRIIIIIIIIIII... [Crow crashes to the floor as Gypsy exits stage left] TOM SERVO: Why, even the local bully tried to find out how long he could last up there in that saddle! [Gypsy enters from stage left with Crow on her back, dressed this time in a leather jacket with a slicked back 50's tough guy hairdo. Crow makes only inarticulate sounds of panic as he loses his grip and Gypsy bucks him off. Crow gets back on his feet and faces Gypsy.] CROW [as bully]: So you wanna play rough, huh?! C'mon, horsie, let's go! You and me! [Crow throws a punch that knocks Gypsy cold, then walks away, whistling the theme to Blazing Saddles.] TOM SERVO: Yup, we sure did have a grand old time that day! And everyone wanted that grand prize so much, it's such a shame they all couldn't win.... [Mike comes in from stage right and Crow from stage left, dressed up as Father Francis.] CROW [as Francis]: So, how did I do? MIKE [as Mikey]: I'm sorry, Father, but your time just wasn't good enough. You'll have to stay in the story. [Crow looks dejected as the commercial sign light flashes] We'll be right back. [Mike hits the commercial sign light.] [Commercials.] [Inside the theater] [Mike enters the theater carrying both Tom and Crow. Mike puts Tom in his seat and then starts to lower Crow into his.] CROW: Easy now, Mike, easy, watch those saddle sores... ahhh! Thanks, Mike. You're a life saver. >Chapter Four >Day Two >Late Afternoon TOM SERVO: Ever notice how some days seem like they're *never* going to be over? > > Marrissa and Rene walked down a wide path in the forest beside >the stables. "How did you get interested in horses, Rene?" Marrissa >asked. MIKE [as Rene]: I checked and found out I was actually a twelve-year-old girl. > "At first it was just job to get my father off my back," Rene >said. "He kept pushing me to get a job. TOM SERVO [as Rene]: He kept trying to make me work in the coal mines and garment sweatshops. > After a while though, I found >myself enjoying it." CROW: Once I found out the horses would lick all day if I dabbed a little peanut butter on-- MIKE: You are in *such* trouble, Mister. CROW: On my neck! Where it tickles! > "You're good," Marrissa said. "You just shot out of the gate." TOM SERVO [as Rene]: It's amazing what a little battery acid on a horse's rear end can do! > "That's Macedonian. He's always been fast out of the gate," >Rene said. "He just lacks staying power. CROW [as Marrissa]: That's funny... Isabelle said the same thing about *you*. > If you want to see a real >jockey, look at Isabelle or Maurice." TOM SERVO: If you want to see a real story, try something from your local library. > "If Isabelle is so good, why is she riding Mistress," Marrissa >asked. CROW: Good thing the volunteers who clean up oily beaches came along and just soaked up all the inflection and interest this chapter had, huh? > "Well I've been trying to get Mike to assign her to a better >horse, but he won't listen," Rene said. MIKE [as Rene]: He keeps covering his ears and going: "La la la la la la la la, I can't *hear* you!" > "Our assignments have been >stable since Jean was hired after the Belmont Stakes." CROW: You get it? Huh? Stable? Get it? MIKE: Yeah, we... CROW: 'Cause, you know, it's funny, 'cause... TOM SERVO: No, it's not. CROW: Oh. > They came to clearing with the swimming hole in it. It was a >rock lined pool, rather deep at one end. Looked natural, but some how >Marrissa knew it wasn't. MIKE: Being an unnatural creation herself, Marrissa had a sense for this kind of thing. > A rock bowl filled with water on a hilltop >wasn't natural in any forest, no matter how it looked. TOM SERVO: I take it Steve-o's never heard of a caldera lake? MIKE: You only get those in volcanic regions. TOM SERVO: Details, details... > "It's swimming time," Rene said. MIKE: Oh great, I was just starting to get over the nightmares from the last time this happened! Thanks a *lot*, Ratliff! > "But I didn't bring my swimming suit," Marrissa protested. CROW [leering]: I *know*. > "Neither did I," Rene said, pulling his shirt over his head. >"Just strip down to your underwear. That's what Isabelle does." TOM SERVO: Mike? Is it just me or is this starting to look more and more like the Deep South section of France? MIKE: Either that or Michael Jackson's country home. > > After stripping down to their underwear, Rene and Marrissa CROW: AAAH! AAAH! AAAH! TOM SERVO: HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! MIKE: Ba..ba...bad, bad scene, bad bad bad, hurts, bad, bad hurt bad. > dived >into the pool. Rene's dive was clean, having almost no splash. CROW: The water rejected his body and he was burned as a witch. >Marrissa's, however, was more of a belly flop than a dive. TOM SERVO: Causing the gears of the universe to grind to a sudden halt and plunge everything into entropic heat death as Marrissa failed to accomplish something perfectly on the first try! > When they >both came up, CROW: Their necks had been broken by the rocks at the bottom of the shallow pool? TOM SERVO: They had been eaten alive by piranhas? MIKE: Nice try, guys. > Rene commented, "You need to work on that dive." > "I know," Marrissa stated, treading water, "but I haven't had >the time. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I figure it's quicker to walk on water anyway. > I'd rather spend my time in the water playing tag." > "Tag," Rene commented. "That wouldn't be fair." MIKE [burying his face in his hands]: This dialogue is like a designer perfume commercial that never ends... > "Oh, you're it," Marrissa said, swimming away. TOM SERVO [as Ralph Kramden]: Oh, BOY are you it, Norton! You are *SO* it! > They swam back >and forth as first Marrissa then Rene was tagged. CROW: The game kinda loses something when there's only two players, doesn't it? MIKE: Maybe they're just looking for an excuse to touch each other in their wet underwear.... TOM SERVO [retching]: Echhh... thanks Mike... like I didn't have enough trouble keeping my tuna RAM chip lunch down! > Suddenly from the shore came a voice. TOM SERVO [thick Southern accent]: Ah am the Angel of Vengeance. The day of yer Judgement is at hand. > "Oh look, the lovers are >playing tag again." Rene and Marrissa stopped and looked to the edge of >the swimming hole. Richard was there with their clothes in his hands. CROW: And if we knew who Richard was, we'd have an emotion about that. MIKE: We do, he's the head bully. TOM SERVO: The former head bully. >"But Rene is with a new girl. I wonder if Isabelle knows." > "She's my cousin," Rene returned. MIKE [as Rene]: So hands off! I saw her first! > "Keeping it in the family, I see," Richard sneered. CROW: Well, if you can't keep it in your pants... > "Just put the clothes down and leave us alone," Rene pleaded. MIKE [as Joe Besser]: Or I'll *harm* yooouuuu! >Marrissa treaded water next to him, worried about her own clothes. CROW: That's our Marrissa! Always looking out for the welfare of others! > "In the pond maybe," Richard said, pulling out Rene's red shirt. TOM SERVO: Suddenly, three phaser beams, ten photon torpedos, an antimatter monster and an asteroid smash into the red shirt! > "Not my jersey," Rene cried out. The jersey joined Marrissa and >Rene in the water. CROW: MoooooOOOOOoooo!! *splash* > Richard smiled. "Too bad, it's all wet now." MIKE [as Nelson from The Simpsons]: HAA haaa! > He pulled out >Marrissa's black Enterprise T- shirt and tossed it in. > Marrissa called back, "I wouldn't have done that if I were you." TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: It *clearly* says: "machine wash warm, no chlorine, no bleach, no detergent, no water, don't touch it, put it down, walk away briskly." > "So the little girl is threatening me, now," Richard said. "I'm >scared now." CROW: Little did he know, Marrissa had the evil Ratliff on her side. > Suddenly Richard found himself in a headlock. From behind his >left ear came his sister Isabelle's voice, "Drop the clothes, Rich." MIKE: I'll take "Words You Never Want To Hear Your Sister Say" for five hundred, Alex. > He >dropped them. CROW [as Isabelle]: No, not *your* clothes! > Isabelle released her grip and Richard grabbed her arm >and threw her. > "Ow," Isabelle exclaimed as landed on the rock edge of the >swimming hole. TOM SERVO: [imitates Batman fight music] MIKE: Bonk! CROW: Wham! MIKE: Zowie! CROW: Ker-splat-t-t! > Meanwhile, Rene and Marrissa had climbed out of the >swimming hole. Rene rushed to Isabelle's side. This left Marrissa to >face Richard. TOM SERVO: [imitates Classic Trek fight theme] > They lined up about a yard a part. Richard was a little more >than six foot tall. His black hair was cropped short. He was wearing >the Stargazer Stables jockey outfit which consisted of black pants, and >a red shirt with a back line across the upper chest and a white star >like the command insignia of the old Enterprise in the center. He was >well muscled and had an air of arrogant confidence. MIKE: OK, so Ratliff wants us to believe this big galoot is a *jockey*? CROW: Either that, or the reincarnation of Captain Kirk. > Standing four feet ten in height, Marrissa was the opposite. MIKE [as boxing announcer]: And in *this* corner... >Her wet blond hair was slick to her back. The water had made her >underwear translucent which made her look naked and vulnerable. CROW: Which, of course, was why Rene suggested this swimming trip in the first place. > To >Richard she was easy pickings. TOM SERVO: I'd like to cheer Marrissa on... but we all know she's going to win, so what's the point? > "So you want to challenge me, little girl," Richard stated. MIKE: THERE CAN BE ONLY *ONE*! TOM SERVO: If we're lucky, there'll be none. > "I want you to dive in and retrieve Rene and my shirts," >Marrissa said. "Fighting you is very low on my list of wants." CROW [as Marrissa]: I'll have you quietly killed in the night. > Richard closed the distance between the two. He placed his >finger between her breasts MIKE [motioning arms slamming shut on a trap]: WWWWWHAM! TOM SERVO: Nice booby trap. > punctuating each word with a poke. "I think >you are just a little girl who wants to run home to her mommy." CROW: If only Richard was holding a knife right now, he'd be a hero to millions. > That was the last straw. TOM SERVO: Now she finally found the needle she'd left in the haystack! > Marrissa grabbed his arm with both >hands and swung around him around with all her strength. MIKE [as Marrissa]: *grunt* Uh... could you pretend this is affecting you even a little bit? Please? *grunt* > She released >him on a course to the swimming hole. He splashed into the water. CROW: True to form, Marrissa dunks another victim in liquid. It wasn't strawberry juice, but she'd settle for water in a pinch. > As >he landed, Marrissa whispered, TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Thank you, Ratliff, for giving me superhuman strength. > "I wish I could." CROW: One cyanide tablet, that's all it takes. [Mike and Tom look at Crow in disgust] CROW: What? > Richard sputtered and splashed out of the water. He rushed >towards the little girl who stared out, her mind occupied on other >things. TOM SERVO [as Marrissa, thinking]: Why *did* Yoda sound just like Grover? > Richard was stopped by a loud voice, "Richard Boucher, don't >you dare lay a hand on my daughter." MIKE [as Richard]: God? Is that you again? > Captain Jean-Luc Picard stood astride a white stallion at the >edge of the clearing. CROW [as Marrissa]: I'm so embarrassed. Dad gets... confused. He thinks he's in _Robin Hood: Men In Tights_ again. > His brother Robert was beside him on a gray mare. TOM SERVO: Who ain't what she used to be. >"Mr. Boucher I see your bulling isn't limited to my son." Robert began. >"You seem to like attacking your own sister and other little girls as >well. MIKE [as Robert]: What are you, a wimp? Bully some Romulans! Some Cardassians! You've got Marrissa here, LEARN from her! > Your father may have dismissed your bullying as 'boys will be >boys,' but I don't think he'll be able to dismiss this. CROW [as Robert]: Just wait until he finds out that you got your ass kicked by a girl! > I'm surprised >you still have a job if this is how you normally act." TOM SERVO: Hey, Michael J. Fox is no great actor either, but he still finds work! > "If I have anything to say about it, and as a thirty percent >owner of the stables, I do, he just lost it," Jean-Luc Picard said. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Richard, you've just lost thirty percent of your job. So there! > "You can't do that," Richard sputtered. CROW [as Mayo]: DON'T YOU DO IT! I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO *GO*!!! > "Mikey was about to give you notice," Jean-Luc informed. "You >are a disgrace to the stables and the uniform you wear. MIKE [as Richard]: But it's not a uniform, it's a tourist T-shirt promoting the community of Shipshewana, Indiana. > Now go get >those shirts you threw in the swimming hole. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: Then roll on the ground and bark like a dog! > Then we are going to the >stables so you can clean out your locker." MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Then you will be assigned to the Enterprise under Marrissa's command. CROW [as Richard]: Couldn't you be merciful and just lynch me? > > Jean-Luc and young Richard met Robert at the vineyard gate. >Together they set out to the Boucher's house. TOM SERVO: From whence they set forth, upon their perilous journey to the Crack of Doom, bearing the One Ring amongst them... > Richard walked ahead of >the two men, his shoulders slumped and his head down. Richard could >almost hear his funeral march. CROW: Miiiiike, the incidental music people are getting cocky again! MIKE [as Richard, muttering]: Crummy Elton John rewrites... > Behind him Jean-Luc and Robert Picard >walked stern- faced. > "How are the children?" Jean-Luc asked. TOM SERVO [as Robert]: Quite good. In fact, they just filed the paperwork to have you relieved of duty, Jean-Luc! Busy little beavers, they are. > "Isabelle had a sprained ankle and a hairline fracture of her >arm," Robert said. "Rene is giving her tender loving care as usual. >Marie is talking to Marrissa. She's in her room crying." MIKE [as Marrissa, sniffling]: Stupid old dad keeps upstaging me... *I'm* supposed to deal out the retribution around here! > "I'll have to talk to her when I get back," Jean-Luc commented. TOM SERVO [as Hugh Beaumont]: I'll have a talk with the Beaver, dear. >"I'm afraid she's not yet gotten over her parent's deaths. CROW [as Jean-Luc]: I mean, she's taking them personally somehow. > Counselor >Troi suggested that we get away from the ship. TOM SERVO [as Troi]: Captain, the crew has requested that you take your little demon spawn as far away from the ship as possible. > She said time and a >little distraction should help her." CROW: She couldn't think of anything more trivial to say. MIKE: Well, nothing like a good fight and a near beating to take your mind off your troubles. > "I think Marrissa wasn't the only reason your Counselor Troi >wanted you to take a vacation," Robert said. CROW [as Jean-Luc]: All right, the crew hates me too! There! I said it! Are you happy now?!? > "Not this time, Robert," Jean-Luc replied as they turned into >the Boucher's driveway. TOM SERVO: Suddenly Jean-Luc and Robert were flat and had a fresh blacktop coating. > They came up to the door and Robert rang the >bell. It played the first nine notes of a funeral dirge. CROW: It's the Addams family! MIKE: Either that or Richard lives in a funeral home. > Mr. Boucher opened the door. He was a tall stout man with >thinning black hair. TOM SERVO [as Lurch]: Yooooraaaaang? > He saw his son standing dejectedly in front of the >two men and immediately his face took on a stern expression. CROW [as Torgo]: YoU cAn'T sTaY hErE... tHe MaStEr WoUlD'nT aPpRoVe. > "Philippe, we'd like to talk to you about your son," Robert >said. MIKE [as Robert]: Do you have a safe place to hide him? Marrissa's ordered that he be dipped into concrete and turned into a statue. > > The parlor had dark walnut paneling and it's one bay window was >covered by red velvet curtains. There was a long dark red couch with >walnut arms and two matching chairs. CROW: So it *is* a funeral home. TOM SERVO: Or the foyer of a French cat-house. > Mr. Boucher pointed at one of the >chairs and Richard sat in it stiffly. He took the other one and MIKE: ... left the room with it. >Jean-Luc and Robert sat on the couch. "What are you accusing my son of >doing?" Mr. Boucher asked. CROW: Nobody accused anybody of anything yet! Guilty conscience, Philippe? > "Your son has been bulling people," Jean-Luc stated. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: In fact, he's been downright cowing them into submission. > "Boys will be boys," Mr. Boucher said. TOM SERVO: Tell that to Ru Paul. > "Philippe, there is bullying, and then there is terrorizing. >Your son has been doing the later," Robert replied. CROW [as Philippe]: Look Chrome-Dome, my son's got a great career ahead of himself as a Bit Antagonist! Where would you be without the Klingons, the Romulans and the Borg, huh? In the same "pending a late night slot on the Sci-Fi Channel" limbo that _Earth 2_'s in, *that's* where! > "Today he began by throwing Rene and my Marrissa's shirts in the >swimming hole," Jean- Luc elaborated. MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Then he took their chawing tobaccy and russled up their grub. > "Then he threw your daughter >after she got the clothes away from him. And finally he took on my >daughter. If I hadn't arrived, TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: ... those two girls would have cleaned his clock but good! > he could have done serious harm. >Marrissa is only twelve." CROW: Oh, I see, this was the year she was Rear Admiral in charge of the Intelligence Agency. > "How are they," Philippe Boucher said, suddenly concerned. MIKE [as Philippe]: And are they pressing charges? > "Rene wasn't harmed, this time," Robert began. TOM SERVO [as Robert]: He'll live to wuss out again another day. > "Isabelle broke >her arm, and Marrissa was scared out of her wits. MIKE: Yeah, someone might find out that she was rescued by an adult, and then her career will be ruined. > "So Isabelle got hurt," Philippe remarked. "What did I tell you >about beating up on your sister, boy." He glared at his son, who sunk >back in his chair. CROW [as Richard]: Um... no marks, sir? MIKE [as Philippe]: Shut up. CROW [as Richard]: No witnesses? MIKE [as Philippe]: Shut up! CROW [as Richard]: Oh yeah, you're the only one who gets to do it. MIKE [as Philippe]: SHUT UP, I TELL YOU, *SHUT UP*!!! > "Not just this time," Robert said. "I asked my wife how long >this has been going on. Marie tells me that she's been treating >Isabelle and Rene for cuts and bruises for the better part of a year." CROW: She must move really slowly. TOM SERVO [as Robert]: She keeps telling them to go easy on the whips and handcuffs, but do they listen? > "You have my assurance that Richard will be severely punished," >Mr. Boucher said. MIKE [as Philippe]: He'll go right to bed without any supper. That'll teach him! > "If it wasn't for his job, I'd be shipping him off to >military school." ALL: [burst out laughing] TOM SERVO: Sure, send him someplace where bullying has been elevated to an art form! That'll cure him! CROW: I hear it worked wonders for little Damien Thorne. > "I'm afraid Richard is no longer employed by Stargazer Stables," >Captain Picard said. MIKE [as Philippe]: But... his job was with Roy Rogers. > "His attitude, unlike his sister's, has been less >than satisfactory. TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: He fails to share his cubby-hole in classroom situations. > He also conducted his last attack in uniform. So he >has been dismissed." CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Whenever he's going to attack, he's got to strip first. TOM SERVO: I didn't need to picture that, Crow. > He turned to address Richard. MIKE [as Ed Norton]: Helloooo, ball! > "When you wear a >uniform, your conduct reflects on the whole organization. You are >expected to act accordingly." TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: So don't put any pledge pins on it or I'll slap your fat face! > "Listen and learn from the Captain," Mr. Boucher said to the >still cowering Richard. CROW [as Philippe]: He's been a better father to you in the past five minutes than I ever have. > "You'll be spending at least the next two years >in uniform, and by God you'll learn to respect it." MIKE [as Philippe]: And, by God, the upperclassmen there will show you the *right* ways to terrorize people! CROW: Or he'll become bitter, resentful, and hateful of authority while learning the way to develop, build, maintain, and use the most powerful weapons known in the Galaxy. TOM SERVO: Or, God forbid, he just might join the Kid's Crew elite. > "If you'll excuse us, we better check on our own children again, >now that you have been informed," Robert said. > "Can you keep Isabelle for the next couple weeks?" Philippe >Boucher asked. MIKE [as Philippe]: We're kind of running out of space in the fruit cellar, and with the preserves coming in, we just don't have room to stack a girl, too. > "If Richard follows his usual path, he'll try to beat up >Isabelle for revenge. I had thought he had grown out of it, but I see >he had just gotten better at hiding it. CROW [as Philippe]: Of course, this doesn't say much for my parenting skills. > It's going to take me that long >to get Richard away." > "I'll see to her while you handle your son," Robert said. MIKE [as Philippe]: Thanks for taking Isabelle before Child Protection could! > >Chapter Five >Day Four >Just before Noon >Day Five CROW: Wait a minute, what happened on Day Four? MIKE: Must have been too exciting to write down. TOM SERVO: Yes, even in the time-stream you can have unreferenced pointers. >Early Morning > > Marrissa walked into town alone. She was tired of people trying >to cheer her up. CROW [as Marrissa]: DAMN YOU ALL! Can't a main Trek character get in a good ANGST around here any more? I'm SICK of everyone trying to cut short my characterization just because I'm being an introspective, moody BRAT! Back off, you meddling second bananas, back OFF! > He parents were dead and no amount of fun was going to >change that. TOM SERVO: So she decided to spend the rest of her life wearing black clothes, hanging out in coffee bars and smoking clove cigarettes. > After a little wandering, she found herself outside the >church. After looking at the white Gothic stone exterior, she pulled >open the door and walked in. MIKE: Tonight, on a very special episode of "Nothing Sacred"... CROW: Oh cool. This is the part where she puts on a mask, plays the organ and lives in the cellar, isn't it? TOM SERVO: That's an opera house, Crow. I think you're vaguely circling the runway of Hunchback of Notre Dame. CROW: Hunchback, Phantom... not much difference except the gargoyles don't sing for the Phantom. > The entryway was paneled in a yellow gold wood, MIKE [as munchkin]: Follow the yellow gold wood! Follow the yellow gold wood! Follow, follow, follow, follow... > and the floor >was a white and black chessboard pattern. CROW: She figured that would be the most likely place to find the bishop. MIKE & TOM: [groans] > Marrissa continued though it >to the sanctuary . CROW: Quasimodo? That's your cue! > She looked up to the dark blue ceiling which arched above her. TOM SERVO: Watch this, guys... >LOOK ARCH I only understood you as far as wanting to look. TOM SERVO: >EXAMINE ARCH >Each arch was gilded with gold and stars sparkled on it. Her eyes were >pulled down to the stain glass windows. CROW: OW! MIKE: That's gotta hurt! TOM SERVO: >EXAMINE WINDOWS > A shepherd carrying a lamb >adorned one, a lady holding a baby with a halo another. MIKE [as Marrissa]: That must be the guy who invented the Kobayashi Maru! > Finally her >attention was drawn to the altar. CROW: Mike? Am I going to hell if I say anything about a pentagram and goat entrails at this point? MIKE: Definitely. CROW: Just checking. TOM SERVO: >EXAMINE ALTAR > It was backed with a house-like facade, with six candles on it. MIKE: Apparently it's the church's sixth birthday. >A robed man was encased in it's center, CROW [as man, muffled]: Help! Get me out! I'm suffocating in here! > and it was flanked by angels. MIKE: Oooh, that must be "Charlie"! >Three chairs were arranged below it. Above it was an almost three >dimensional painting of a man on a cross. CROW [as Marrissa]: You know, I never noticed this before, but Jesus has *great* abs! MIKE: What'll you bet that Ratliff has been describing the interior of Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Church in Roanoke, Virginia? > A podium stood on the left. >The altar itself was an int