=========================== part 1/6 =============================== When Stephen Ratliff began posting "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}", two dozen novice and experienced MiSTers asked to be part of the Maquis MiSTing team. The eager following generated by his stories is a tribute to Stephen's persistence, his good-natured responses to criticism, and the unique interpretation of reality presented in his oeuvre. In view of such demand, and in a moment of insanity, the "premier dibser" invited any and all aspirants on the dibs-list to send in their contributions. Over a dozen individuals actually answered that call. The technical and editorial problems posed by such a large Group-MiSTing were remarkable, but finally overcome. This is that MiSTing. Edited by: Loren Haarsma. Contributing writers: Mighty Jack, David Conner, Psykopath, The Thad Man, Matthew Miller, Stan Foster, Mark Rowan, Merritt Stone, Bill Livingston, Joseph Nebus, Hakan Svensson, Ty Cage Warren, Rick MacKinnon, and Andrija Popovic. (The riff designations are grouped significantly, but not exactly, according to who submitted them.) ============================= Imagine, if you will, a movie theater at a science fiction convention. A group of fans eagerly await the next showing of a cult classic --- a movie which achieved just that right combination of goodness and badness to become an object of devotion. They will shout at the screen, they will lampoon the characters, and they will celebrate together the delight they take in schlock scifi theater. Now ... imagine this: [MST3K Season 7 theme song] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are in their usual places. Mike is wearing a brown jumpsuit with a Starfleet emblem. Tom has pointed Vulcan ears taped to the sides of his bubble. We join an argument already in progress.] TOM: ...No No No No NO! CROW: YES! TOM: NO! CROW: YES! MIKE: Tom, I'll prove it. Gypsy, have you seen "The Ultra-Mega Non- Canonical Fan-Compiled Pathetic Nit Pickers' Technical Guide to Star Trek" CD-ROM? I couldn't find it anywhere. GYPSY: Sure, Mike. We put it in Storage Locker 3 last night with all the other junk, remember? MIKE: Oh yeah. Thanks, Gypsy. [Mike, Tom and Crow move stage left. Their conversation fades as they walk off camera.] MIKE: You see, Tom, the important technical specification for starship shields is megawatts *per square meter*, because that takes into account.... [Gypsy is alone at the desk. She glances at Cambot, then turns back towards stage left.] GYPSY: Guys? Where are you going? The Mads are gonna call soon. Guys? [While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a black jumpsuit and wearing an earring), Crow (wearing a fake goatee), and Tom (wearing a black beret) come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.] MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen...? GYPSY: [startled] Huh?! [spins around to face them] How did you...? [looks back towards stage left] But I just saw you go over.... [spins to face them again] Huh?! MIKE: [in a pseudo-pretentious accent] Gypsy, dear, I seem to have misplaced all of our back issues of "Modern Art Monthly." Do you, perchance, know where they might be? GYPSY: Umm ... sure, Mike. When we cleaned out our rooms last night, we put all the extra junk in Storage Locker 3. *Remember*? MIKE: Oh, but of course. Ciao! [Mike, Tom and Crow wander stage left. Their conversation fades as they walk off camera.] TOM: [with a similar accent] You see, Michael, the Post-Neo-Cubical- Meridian-Obfuscian style is all about the artist's intrinsic superiority over the public, implicitly justifying condescending, self-righteous attitudes and the occasional production of technically simplistic, incomprehensible works while living off government grants. CROW: [similar accent] Yes, yes, that's all well and good, but it's soooooo derivative of the Pre-Counter-Duadic-Chromo-Polemicist school.... [Gypsy is again alone at the desk.] GYPSY: [calling to stage left] Hey, wait! Guys? You'd better get back here fast! [While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a blue jumpsuit), Crow and Tom come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.] MIKE: Heeeeey, bright eye! GYPSY: [startled] AUGH!! [spins around to face them] CROW: You're looking mighty ... *slinky* there, Gypsy.... [Tom and Crow snicker.] GYPSY: How did you...? [looks back stage left] But I just *saw* you go.... [spins around to face them again] HOW DID YOU DO THAT?! TOM: Oh, she's asking how we Do That Thang We Do.... [Tom and Crow snicker some more.] MIKE: Have you seen Crow's copy of the Complete Double-Entendres List? GYPSY: Don't you REMEMBER? We put all that junk in STORAGE LOCKER THREE last night!!! MIKE: Oh sure. [Mike, Tom, and Crow head off stage left. Mike pats Gypsy on her backside.] Keep that light burning for me, baby. [More snickering from Tom and Crow as they leave. Gypsy is once again alone.] GYPSY: [yelling after them] WAIT! Come back! The Mads are gonna call ANY MINUTE NOW! MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 15 seconds. [Mike (in a red jumpsuit and wearing a coach's whistle), Crow (in a miniature sweat suit) and Tom (with a sweat band around his bubble) come jogging on camera from stage right. Gypsy is still looking towards stage left.] [Mike blows his whistle.] GYPSY: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [spins around to face them] MIKE: All right, guys, let's rest a minute. TOM: There's nothing like brisk round of calisthenics in the morning to make a bot feel good all over. GYPSY: How ... how ... [turns towards stage left] how... [turns back to face them] HOW?!?! MIKE: Calm down, Gypsy. We just stopped to ask if you know where to find my old running shoes. GYPSY: [shaking and stuttering] S-st-storage l-locker th-thr-three? MIKE: OK, thanks. Let's go, guys. Hup --- hup --- hup --- hup! [Mike, Crow and Tom go jogging off camera stage left. Gypsy stares at them as they leave.] MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... [Mike (in a green jumpsuit), Tom and Crow come on camera from stage right.] MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen all my other jumpsuits? I can't find them anywhere. [Gypsy spins around to face them.] GYPSY: Oooooooohhh. [Gypsy faints dead away.] CROW: Nice one, Mike. MIKE: Hey, what did I do? MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now. [Mike taps commercial light.] MIKE: What? What did I do...? [Cut to commercials.] [Return from commercials. Mike (in green jumpsuit), Tom, Crow and Gypsy are in their usual places. Gypsy stands woozily. She has a large ice bag on her head, and Mike is fanning her with a towel.] [In the background, behind Mike and the bots, we see several duplicates of Tom and Crow. They are variously standing around, walking on and off camera, etc. There are even one or two duplicates of Mike on camera from time to time (all in different-colored jumpsuits), but they always have their backs turned to the camera.] MIKE: [notices Cambot] Hi there. Things are even weirder than usual today on the Satellite of Love. I expect the Mads will explain soon.... They always do. In the meantime, I'm Mike Nelson, unwilling astronaut and film critic, and these are my friends Tom Servo... TOM: Hello. MIKE: Crow T. Robot... CROW: Greetings, Earthlings. MIKE: And Gypsy. GYPSY: [still woozy] Ohhhhh. MIKE: And as for the *rest* of these.... [Mike nods towards the duplicates behind him.] TOM: I'm as narcissistic as the next fellow, but I've got to tell you that there's something deeply disturbing about seeing so many copies of myself around here. CROW: Yeah, what's the deal, Mike? Have you been hanging out with Scotsmen and doing unnatural things with sheep lately? MIKE: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [Mads light starts flashing.] MIKE: Oh, Angus and Dolly are calling. [Mike taps the Mads light.] [Deep 13] Dr. F: Hello Nelson, fembots. [Dr. Forrester pauses and squints into the monitor.] You *are* the real Nelson, aren't you? [SOL] MIKE: As far as I know. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Good. Because our next experiment is a little thing I call ... WORLD DOMINATION. All mad scientists dream about replacing world leaders with robot replicants. But how many of them have the chutzpah to actually try it? [SOL] CROW: Lots, judging by the movies we've seen. [Deep 13] Dr. F: True, true, but they all failed. And do you know *why* they all failed? [SOL] TOM: They let nosy reporters and government agents sneak around their secret bases unchaperoned? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Wrong! They failed because they didn't test their creations properly --- a mistake I *won't* be making. I'm putting my replicants through the ultimate torture test. [SOL] MIKE, CROW & TOM: [together] You mean...? [Deep 13] Dr. F: YES! I'm going to make them read an entire Ratliff fanfic --- specifically, "Premier Maquis." [SOL] CROW: Mike, I know they're just soulless automaton pawns in a plot to enslave the world, but that's *too cruel*! MIKE: Shush, Crow. This is serious. [Deep 13] Dr. F: I wouldn't expect your pedestrian minds to understand, but personality matrix construction is very delicate and unpredictable. You've probably already noticed personality differences amongst them, hmmm? [SOL] MIKE: Now that you mention it. GYPSY: Ooohhhh. CROW: I hate to ask, but does this mean *we* have to go back into the theater and read that ... that THING again? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Much as it pains me to say this ... NO. It was hard enough getting each set of replicants to ignore the other sets. I need to measure their responses to prolonged Ratliff exposure, compare them to your responses, and I don't want you in there corrupting my data. [SOL] [Mike has a noose strung up near the desk. Crow and Tom are each holding one terminal of a car battery.] ALL: WHEW! [Deep 13] Dr. F: You've got until the end of the fanfic to relax, Nelson. Because when it's all over and the victorious replicants return to Deep 13, they'll have the information I need to take over the world. Now send in the clones! [Dr. F stabs the button.] [SOL] [Lights, buzzers, etc.] MIKE, CROW & TOM: They've got fanfic sign!!! [Replicants head for the theater. The real Mike, Crow and Tom dive out of the way as Cambot heads for the theater doors.] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [theater] [Fifteen replicants each of Mike, Tom, and Crow cram into the small theater. Of course, we can only see their silhouettes. (Fun and games with Shadowrama{tm}!) They somehow all manage to find a seat.] >> Path: news.tufts.edu!blanket.mitre.org! Tom09: Ah, good old Sonny Tufts College. Mike08: Mitre: For Starfleet's PREMIER soccer gear! >> agate!newsgate.duke.edu! Mike09: [singing] Duke, Duke, Duke, E-D-U-U-U.... >> solaris.cc.vt.edu! >> newsrelay.netins.net!news.dacom.co.kr!arclight.uoregon.edu! >> usenet.eel.ufl.edu!spool.mu.edu!newspump.sol.net! Crow09: Yeah, gotta keep yer NNTP servers at a pretty constant 40 PSI, there. >> www.nntp.primenet.com! Mike15: I think the exclamation points are a bit excessive. It's just a transfer route. Tom15: Yes! But isn't it exciting! >> nntp.primenet.com!howland.erols.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in3.uu.net! >> hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail Tom02: Not-for-reading either. Mike15: Not-for-mail, not for human consumption. Tom15: Warning! Ratliff fanfics can cause severe brain damage. Crow13: Great! This one's so bad, the news servers played a virtual game of Hot Potato. >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) Crow08: Gaaah! Sorry, reflex action. Tom09: And the crowd goes wild. All09: [dully] Yay. Tom15: [singing] Dead man walkin'... Mike13: You know, it's possible that Ratliff is actually a *good* writer who posts bad fanfics just to see what kind of a reaction he can get. Crow13: You should be shot for even *imagining* that. >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Tom13: Soon to be renamed "alt.startrek.badly.in.need.of.a.life." Crow15: [as Alec Guiness] You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. >> Subject: DS9 Premier Marqui part 1 All13: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Mike08: Premier Mercury Marquis? Tom08: Premier Marquess of Queensbury? Crow08: "Get the Marqui title up on the marquee." >> Date: 4 Sep 1996 01:11:23 GMT >> Organization: Radford University Tom13: Whose English Department apologizes most profusely for this article. >> Lines: 125 Mike13: That's not so bad. Crow13: Did you forget the "part 1" above? Mike13: Ulp! >> Message-ID: <50ikvr$3kp@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu Tom13: runet: Ratliff Unleashes New Enterprise Twaddle. >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] Mike13: This Is Nuts! Crow13: Terrorizing Individual Newsgroups! Tom13: Twits Ingenious? Never! Crow09: "PLO"? So Stephen is actually Yassir Arafat? Mike09: It would explain a lot. >> >> >> Star Trek >> Deep Space Nine Crow15: Deep Hurting Nine is more like it. >> The Marrissa Stories Tom15: Dear gods, he's got them titled now! Crow08: He wasn't content with ruining The Next Generation. Now he's gonna tear up Deep Space Nine. Tom08: Not to be redundant, but this is going to hurt. Mike08: A lot. Tom13: What's with these authors that sequel things to death? Sheesh, this is worse than the Xanth series. Crow13: This is Ratliff you're talking about. It's worse than the Gor series. >> >> Premier Marqui Mike13: By Faberge Crow15: He lost the S. Mike15: I think he's lost more than just a few letters. Tom01: He spelled the title wrong. Mike01: TOM! Tom01: It wasn't a spelling flame, it was a poor research riff. Mike01: Okay, just don't let it happen again. >> by Stephen Ratliff All01: We're going to die! >> >> This Story is a work of Tom11: A twisted mind. >> fiction. Crow01: \ Crow14: - Like, duh. Crow09: / Crow13: This AUTHOR is a work of fiction. Tom09: Believe me, this is a valid disclaimer. Crow09: Oh, that's convincing coming from a bot who still wears his C-3PO mask when he watches "Return of the Jedi." Tom09: Shut up, you! >> Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of Mike11: Uniquely determined primes. >> the author's Tom13: Delusional mind. >> imagination Tom12: Or the author's dementia. Crow15: The author has an imagination? >> or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental Tom11: Thank God. Crow02: And resemblance to actual common sense or plot is entirely coincidental. Mike03: Names have been changed to protect the grammatically confused. Mike09: So all you lawyers for Erika Flores, this means "foo on you." Crow13: And you have our sincerest condolences if "resemblance to a Ratliff fanfic" happens to you or someone you love.... Mike15: [whiny voice] No, I did not base Ensign Voluptua on you, Mom.... Tom15: Let's not go there, Mike. >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. Crow09: [as ViaCom] And DON'T you forget it, you little lowlife fan-worms! Tom09: Who'da thought ViaCom would be the Disney of the 90's? Tom15: [as ViaCom] The cash cow is ours! All ours! They'll buy anything with "Star Trek" stamped on it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. Crow15: And he can keep it. Mike08: And he can keep it. Tom05: We can't believe he's claiming credit for it. Mike11: Remember, Stephen Ratliff is copyrighted. Creating a clone of him is punishable under international copyright law. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) Crow11: Since this is a Marrissa story, shouldn't that be "Strawberry Finn"? Tom15: [as Mark Twain] Give me back my notice, you young whip. It was not presented to you, much less with courtesy.... Crow03: Oh, so we're big hoity-toity authors on par with Twain, now, are we? Tom03: Don't encourage him. Crow01: Well, we know Ratliff payed attention in American Lit. Crow12: Well, *he's* using stuff without permission all over the place. Mike12: Ah, Crow, we really shouldn't talk. Tom13: Oh, great, how he's ruining Mark Twain for *generations* to come. Mike13: Maybe he's been watching that episode where they go back in time and meet Mark Twain in San Francisco.... Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaaan-boy! >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be Tom11: Searching fruitlessly. >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; Mike13: Persons who make fun of it will get ramchips. Bots13: Mo-ti-VA-tion! >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Tom12: Well, no danger of any of those. Mike02: At least he's owning up to it now. Tom01: That is scary on so many levels. Tom07: Talk about rule by an intellectual elite! Mike14: I think we're all pretty safe up here. Crow13: Right! Come over here, Ratliff. Ma, go get mah gun. Mike13: I don't think he meant that literally. Mike15: Oh, don't worry. We won't be looking for a motive... Tom15: Or a moral... Crow15: Or any kind of plot. I mean, this *is* Ratliff fanfic. Tom03: Persons attempting to find originality in it will be forced to coexist with Tickle Me Elmo factory rejects. Mike11: Persons attempting to enjoy it will be committed to a mental health institution. Tom08: Persons attempting to stop Mark Twain from spinning in his grave will be arrested. Mike09: Persons attempting to riff it will get a load of cash, be sent back to Earth, and given long sensual foot massages by Tea Leoni. Crow09: Yeah, right, Mike. Mike09: Hey, it could happen! >> >> >> This story is dedicated to: Tom09: The inventor of Steve's spell-checker, Mr. Etaoin Shrdlu. Tom13: All those helpless electrons that were forced to become this awful fanfic. >> >> my cousin Joseph D. Ohlin, juris dr.; Crow05: Who won't be speaking to me after this gets out. Mike11: Any relation to Lena? Tom11: Wishful thinking will get you nowhere. >> and >> the Principles Crow04: And Practices... Tom09: And Discourses... >> and their assistants of Cave Spring Elementary, Crow07: It's not school he hates, it's the principle of the thing. Tom13: That's "Princi*PAL*s"! The Principal is your *PAL*; that's how you remember. Mike13: Tom, ease up on the spelling flames. >> Hidden Valley Junior High, Mike12: Makers of fine salad dressings. Mike04: Isn't that where Annette Funicello went? Mike05: Too bad Ratliff didn't stay hidden in the valley. Crow09: Hey, Stephen went to school to learn how to make Ranch dressing. Mike09: I hear Buttermilk 201 is really intense. >> and Cave Spring High School, Mike11: Who thogt me every thing i now about wirting. Crow03: Who are even now preparing bribes so they won't get mentioned again. >> especially ... >> Mr. David Belvins, principal Hidden Valley Crow15: He'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. >> Mr. David Price, assistant principal Hidden Valley Tom15: Currently wanted for questioning regarding two other Star Trek fanfics.... Mike01: How many guys named David are there? >> Doctor Martha M. Cobble, principal Cave Spring High >> and Mr. Thad James, principle Cave Spring Elementary. Crow08: None of whom can ever show their faces in public now for being associated with this story. Tom09: Also, Bitsy, Cookie, and Muffy --- kisskiss, sweetumses! Tom07: At least he didn't thank his English teacher. Mike03: Oh, so he *can* spell "principal" right after all? Tom14: Pick one spelling and stick with it, Stephen! Tom13: PAL!! PAL!! Mike13: [warningly] Tom.... Tom13: But, look, he spelled it right three times in a row and then spelled it wrong again! How could anybody *do* that? Mike13: Easy, pal. Tell yourself, "It's only a fanfic." Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic ... it's only a fanfic.... Tom01: Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about this one.... Mike01: Aw, how bad could it be? We've made it through ten whole Ratliff fanfics. He can't get any worse, can he? Tom01: I dunno, Mike, but I'm picking up some really bad vibrations here. Mike15: How many schools did Ratliff go to, anyway? Tom15: Not enough. Not enough by a long shot. >> >> >> Special Thanks to: Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic.... >> Eugen Woiwod, for proofreading Tom03: ... at least half of this story. Mike10: 80-proof reading, in this case. Tom02: That he missed the full stop right there is very ominous. Tom12: Wouldn't it be ironic if he misspelled his name? Tom07: I have a feeling that should be "Eugene." Tom11: Shouldn't that be "Eugene"? Mike03: How much you wanna bet his name is really "Eugene?" Mike04: Isn't he the guy who hosts "The Western Tradition?" Crow04: Too obscure. No one watches PBS these days. Mike08: Well.... Let's see how THIS guy holds up. Mike09: Woiwod? Tom09: Bwing out the pwisonew cawwed Bwian! All05: PROOFREADING!?!?!?! Mike05: Dear Lord, the rapture is at hand! Tom05: Quick, get Crow out of the house before God comes. Crow05: Hey! Mike06: Yes, by popular demand, and at no extra charge, a proofreader has been added to Ratliff's crack writing staff. Tom06: Unfortunately, from what we've seen so far, Eugen proofreads about as well as Ratliff writes. Crow15: [as Eugen] He spelled "the" wrong *again*?! Mike15: [as nurse] Calm down, Mister Woiwod, your thorazine will be ready in a moment. Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... [starts giggling] It's only a fanfic.... >> >> Acknowledgments >> The prologue is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence by >> Thomas Jefferson. Crow08: ... who is *also* spinning in his grave. All13: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! [Tom01 shrieks, and his head explodes.] Crow01: Yikes! Servo was right! I don't think he's ever blown up before the story even started. Mike06: Yes, trust Ratliff to rip off nothing but the best. Tom07: First Twain, then Jefferson. Who's next, Raymond Chandler? Crow03: His spell checker isn't on the fritz anymore, so instead he's ripping off dead white guys right and left? Tom03: I *told* you not to encourage him!!! Crow12: So, the last three lines of this story will be Ratliff's own work? Mike11: [as Ratliff] The original sucked because there wasn't any action, so I added these neat starships and stuff. >> The USS Stargazer was redesigned with the help of my little >> brother, Phillip. Crow11: Ah! So that's why the new consoles are made from Lego blocks. >> Don't tell him I told you. Crow01: ...or he'll beat me up. Tom11: The less Phillip knows of his brother's stories, the better. Mike14: [as Stephen] Since he can't read, he'll never know unless someone tells him.... Tom12: HEY! Phillip! Crow07: Hey, Phillip? Phil, honey? Crow15: Yo! Phillip! Guess what your brother told us, Trekkie? Hahaha. Tom03: [little-boy voice] It's no fair! Stephen gets to post to alt.startrek.creative and I don't!!! Tom09: Ma! Steve's using my starship designs in his stories again. Make him stop!! >> >> >> Prologue Mike07: Call me Ishmael.... Tom11: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Tom10: Shipments of anti-logue are being sent as we speak. Crow12: Is that anything like the Captainslogue? Tom13: Sort of like a Captain's log, except done by professionals. >> >> When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one >> People to All10: Party down! >> dissolve the Political Bonds Crow11: Ooooh.... Mike11: Cut that out! Crow07: Bonds. Political Bon-- Mike07: Stop that. Too obvious. >> that have connected them with Crow08: Bad fan fiction. Crow10: The Garden State Parkway. >> another and to assume among the stars, the separate and equal status Mike13: Hey! Separate but equal is inherently UN-equal. Tom07: Hey, Plessy! Fergusson wants to talk to ya! >> which the Laws of Tom06: ... Jim Crow. Crow06: Huh? >> Nature and the Universe Tom11: This is Star Trek. Laws of nature only apply when it makes a neat plot point. Tom14: Huh. Never would've pegged Ratliff as a PC redactionist. Tom09: The universe, as opposed to nature. Mike09: I think he tried to make it ecumenical. Tom09: "I want to appeal to all religious persuasions, so let's remove any reference to God." Somehow, that utterly fails to impress me. >> entitle them, Crow10: It's these pesky entitlements that are ruining the whole country. >> a respect for >> the opinions of the population of the Galaxy Crow01: ... except when we don't like those opinions.... Mike10: What if the Galaxy just wants them to shut up and go home? >> demands that they should >> inform others of the causes which force them to sever ties. Mike10: Okay, like, they keep drinking milk right from the carton. Tom11: And the winner of the run-on sentence award is.... Tom07: Let's see him diagram THAT sentence. Crow07: Are you kidding? Even proofread, the grammar's bad here. Mike15: [phone dials] Hello, Jefferson estate? Yes, I've got a nice little tip for you about a copyright infringement.... Tom15: I get to call Paramount! >> We hold these truths ... Mike03: Dramatic... Shatner-like... pause. Crow03: How... appropriate... for a Star... Trek story. Mike04: Whoa! What happened to the "self-evident" part? Crow04: Ratliff is getting fickle in his old age. Mike09: The ellipsis is the text file equivalent of humming because you forgot the words. Tom06: [singing] We know this much is truth.... >> all people are created equal Crow13: Ohhhh! Somebody forgot a big chunk of the Declaration of Independence. Tom13: Guess who didn't pay attention to his "Schoolhouse Rock." >> and are >> provided with certain unalienable rights. Mike11: Unless they're aliens, of course. Mike09: Which is kinda ironic, considering all the aliens in "Star Trek." Crow09: ...All with the same prosthetic foreheads. Tom09: And a rock to wind a string around. Crow15: HEY! He lifted out my favorite part. Mike15: It's a dark day when Stephen Ratliff sees fit to edit Thomas Jefferson. >> Among these are Life, >> Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Mike07: Oh, and a Good Llama. Tom12: And the right to write bad fanfics. >> To secure these rights, Tom08: Requires us to quit reading this fanfic. Good night, everybody! >> Governments are instituted, deriving their powers from Mike01: The tobbaco lobby. Tom11: Donations from the tobacco lobby. >> the consent of >> the governed, Mike06: ...or the fear of the government's soldiers, imprisonment, torture.... Crow09: What about the unanimous consent of the governed? Tom09: You realize, L. Neil, that only a handful of people out there will actually get that reference. Crow09: Yeah, and we're all gonna form a Gallatinist parliament, you got a problem with that, Baron von Richthofen? >> that whenever any form of government becomes destructive >> it is the right of the people to change or end that government and >> replace it with Mike09: A new mid-season sitcom, starring Bobcat Goldthwait. >> another. Crow12: Even more destructive government! >> That new government laying it's Mike11: [as Michael Palin] It's... Tom08: Oooo! Ooo! Can I grammarflame him? Mike08: Easy, Tom. He's probably just getting warmed up. >> foundation on >> such principles Crow09: Or principals. Tom09: Hidden Valley Junior High faculty leads anti-government rebellion. Film at 11. >> and organizing its powers in such a way to preserve >> their Safety and Happiness. Mike12: Until election time. Tom11: That is, the safety and happiness of the government. Screw the plebes. Tom07: Hey, we need a verb here. Crow13: Isn't this the part that Jefferson ripped off from Thomas Paine? Mike13: Shhhh! School kids aren't allowed to know that until they go to college. Crow13: Oh. Sorry. Tom14: "Safety and Happiness." That's a good name for a COUNTER-counter-cultural rock band. >> Prudence Mike04: [as Lennon, singing] "... won't you come out to play?" >> dictates that governments long established should not >> be changes Tom07: [as Snagglepuss] Or changed, even. Tom03: Ahem. Shouldn't that be *"changed"*? Mike03: No, that's the way the Declaration originally was. Bots03: Really??! Mike03: No, not really, I just wanted you to be quiet about the grammar for once. >> for light and passing causes. Crow09: Which explains the downfall of "New Coke." Mike10: But they have to be rotated every 3,000 miles anyway. >> However, when a long train Mike09: That would be blues legend and noted revolutionary Jojo "Long Train" Clements. All08: A Sooooooooul Train! >> of >> abuses and usurpations towards an end, Tom10: Namely, destabilizing the "Must-See TV" lineup. >> showing a design to reduce them Crow08: To a story that reads like rubbish. >> to absolute oppression, Mike04: ...it might get you a guest spot on Montel! >> it is their Right, it is their Duty, to >> overthrow that government and provide Crow05: Booze for all. Tom05: This message brought to you by the Booze Council, which reminds you that violently overthrowing the government goes better with booze. >> new guides for their future >> security. Tom04: [as announcer] In the future, security won't have to wear red shirts. Tom11: You know, I never quite thought that I'd be riffing on the Declaration of Independence. Mike11: Ratliff takes you the strangest places. >> Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies, and it >> is now their duty and right to alter their systems of government. Tom09: [British] Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Crow10: From now on the entire government will be Dave Barry. I want to be Commissioner of Pop-Tarts. >> The >> history of Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets has shown a >> repeated disregard for Mike01: The Prime Directive! Crow01: Logic! Tom05: Science! Mike05: Physics! Crow05: The intelligence of its viewers! Mike10: History! Tom10: Culture! Crow10: Continuity! Mike10: Common sense! >> these Colonies. Mike12: [as Starfleet] Colonies? What colonies? I don't see any colonies around here? >> As evidence of this, let these >> facts be set before the Galaxy ... Mike10: In a tasteful display, mind you. Mike13: Just the facts, ma'am. Crow15: Does this mean he's admitting the Federation is a bunch of imperialists? Mike15: Nah. He's parroting. Tom15: Polly want fair taxation. >> >> They have disregarded our representatives plea for help. Mike01: Starfleet been dissing me and th' gang. Crow12: [falsetto] Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope! Mike02: To be fair, their representatives spent most of the time hitting on the Vulcan ambassador.... Tom04: We also ordered a carton of apostrophes. What terrible service! Tom13: [as Maquis] We keep calling their technical support line, and they always transfer us to the sales department. Crow03: [as Federation] Hey, we sent down twenty technicians in red shirts. You saying they weren't any help? Tom07: [as Maquis] Help! Mike07: [as Federation] No, I can't hear you! [Sticks fingers in ears and hums loudly.] >> They have given us up to another government with out our >> consent. Mike10: Oh quit complaining. It's just Canada! Tom12 : But you just said you *wanted* another government. Mike13: Aw, come on. "Slave for a Day" isn't about repression. It's about charity. Mike11: "With out"? Ratliff can't even cut and paste text properly. >> They have attacked our trade, by restricting the goods we can >> purchase Mike10: ...to stuff that looks like Star Trek people designed it. Tom03: Ah yes, the famous Boston Tea, Earl Grey, Hot Party. Crow15: What do you mean I'm not allowed to buy a "Babylon 5" shirt? Mike15: [man-in-black voice] Why buy that when these "Voyager" shirts are so lovely? Isn't Janeway cute? Tom11: We can't even buy periods! Crow13: No more Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs? That's the last straw! Crow07: They have given us the mother of all wedgies. Mike08: They have shut down our unofficial Web sites. Tom08: They have shown reruns in midseason. Crow08: They have kept us from tearing up this fanfic. Mike04: Unfortunately, they have not restricted the "bads" we can write. >> They have let bandits supported by their cruel neighbors >> terrorize us. Tom09: Led by that infamous Cardassian, Gul Pancho Villa. Tom02: [as Maquis] They have forced us to terrorize the bandits and their cruel neighbors.... Mike13: [as Flanders] Howdelee doodelee, neighbor. How about a Parcheesi tournament? Tom13: Wow. That *is* cruel. Crow14: Yup. Ratliff really PC'd up the ol' Declaration. >> They have kept us from purchasing weapons to defend ourselves. Crow06: Damn that Brady Bill! Mike07: Well, okay, it was just a five day waiting period, but sometimes you just gotta fight an oppressive Federation RIGHT THEN! Mike04: I can just see a poster of Ratliff with the caption: "I'm the NRA." Mike02: Haven't these people heard of the Ferengi? Mike03: [matronly] Now, children, don't play with those phasers in the house. Mike13: I'm sorry, you *can't* have a thermonuclear bomb for "duck hunting" without a permit. Mike15: The planet killer's just for hunting and home defense. Really! >> They have hunted down those among us who stood up to defend >> themselves. Crow04: Yet mysteriously, those who defended themselves from a seated position remain unscathed. Mike12: It's no fun to hunt the ones who just lay there. Tom13: "She says the jungle ... it just came alive and took him!" Mike02: [as John Cleese] This demonstrates the value of not being seen. >> They have hunted down those among us who supported the >> aforementioned people. Mike03: They have hunted down the soldiers who went in to save the soldiers who went in to save the soldiers who went in to.... Mike09: They have hunted down those among us who supported those among us who supported the other people who we mentioned just afore. Mike13: Duck season! Crow13: Rabbit season! Mike13: Duck season! Crow13: Rabbit season! Mike13: Rabbit season! Crow13: Duck season! >> They have restricted the press's reporting of the deeds >> occurring here in the zone. Tom10: Told you Disney would screw up ABCNews. Crow13: [as Federation] We sent you Geraldo. What more do you want? Crow03: You mean they didn't hunt down the press? What a shocker! Mike05: The Neutral Zone. Tom05: The End Zone. Crow05: The Twilight Zone. Mike11: [as Rod Serling] Beyond this door lies a dimension of plot holes. A place where the most implausible events become reality. You have now entered ... The Ratliff Zone. Tom11: [Hums the Torgo theme.] >> They have in acted Mike01: And over acted. Crow01: And inbred. Tom03: Shouldn't "in acted" be "enacted"? Crow03: No, inaction is what this here fanfic is all about. Mike04: Ah, Berkeley --- home of the famous Student Act-Ins. >> a treaty without our consent taking away our >> lands and giving them over to our enemies. Mike13: [British accent] Darling, it's the book-of-the-month club. They say we've won the M-4 motorway. Tom10: They have enforced rules about plagiarism. Mike08: They have left the toilet seat up for the last time. >> We have asked for remedy to our situation from them and received >> none, only repeated acts of the above. Mike12: Lather, rinse, abuse, repeat. >> A Government which acts as such >> is unfit to rule a free people. Tom12: That's why they had to enslave you! Tom13: However, they are fit to rule a military-industrial complex. Tom11: Wait a minute. Is Ratliff trying to make us feel compassion for the antagonists? Crow11: Well, he's already made us hate Marrissa. >> Nor have we been wanting in attentions Crow14: [falsetto] Hey, big fella! Mike04: The above sentence demonstrates one of the most alarming facts about our founding fathers. Tom04: What, that they had slaves? Crow04: ... Flew kites in the rain, risking electrocution? Mike04: No --- that you can sing almost anything they said to the refrain of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal." >> to our Federation >> Counterparts. Tom07: [falsetto] Honey, you never pay attention to me anymore. >> We have warned them of Governments Acts. We have >> reminded them of Crow10: The Principle of Random capitaliZation. >> the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement >> here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Fairness, and ties >> of common Relation. Tom07: Ah, the old boy network. Mike10: Family reunions are awkward enough without dragging politics into it, though. Crow04: We have maintained their archaic Custom of capitalizing Nouns in the middle of Sentences without due Cause; and in Usurpation of modern Usage. Tom10: Who'd have known the future would write in archaic styles? >> They too have been deaf to the voice of Justice Mike11: Played by Janet Jackson. >> and >> Reason. Tom08: Well, they *are* Viacom. Crow07: I can't hear you! La-la-la-la! >> We must, therefore bow before the Necessity, and announce our >> Separation Mike06: With a no-fault divorce to follow. >> to become Enemies in War, Friends in Peace. Tom11: The reverse *would* be rather strange. Mike08: Brothers in Arms. Crow08: Babes in Toyland. Tom08: Strangers in Paradise. Crow06: ... and Nodding Acquaintances in Cold-War Tension. Mike13: Tomorrow, on Jenny Jones: Enemies in War, Friends in Peace, and the Women who Love Them. >> We, therefore, the Representatives of the Marqui Colonies of the >> former Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, in General Congress, Tom13: And Major Mistake. Crow08: And in General Disorder. >> assembled and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe, Crow02: I was wondering when Marrissa would make an appearance. Crow13: Oliver Wendell Holmes? Tom13: Lance Ito? Mike13: Judge Dredd. Bots13: OhHHHHHhhh. Crow09: [as Rainman] Yeah. Wapner's on at four. Definitely. Mike09: Remember, friends, if you have a dispute with a foreign galactic empire, don't take the law into your own hands. Take them to court! >> do, in >> Name and by the Authority of the good people of these Colonies, Tom09: Also Dave and Ernie, too. Tom03: Winding up for a big finish, aren't they? >> solemnly >> declare, that these United Colonies are and of Right should be a Free >> and Independent State; Crow10: Specifically, Delaware. Well, the name's available.... >> that they are absolved from all Allegiance from >> the United Federation of Planets, and that all Political Connection >> between them and the aforementioned Federation is and ought to be >> totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, they have >> full power to wage war, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish >> Trade, and to do all the other things which Independent States do. Mike11: You know ... things. Tom10: Like have Official State Dinosaurs and export prisoners to Texas and stuff. Mike13: If every Independent State jumped off a cliff, would you? Mike08: [as Maquis] So eat our dust! Tom08: [as Maquis] Yeah! No more Mr. Nice Colonies! Mike03: Hey, look! A period at the end of that sentence! Crow03: This is history, Mike, it doesn't *have* to be written well. >> And >> for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance in the >> protection of the Supreme Power, Crow09: Gene Roddenberry? >> we mutually pledge each other our >> lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor. Crow07: Oh, and a monthly alimony check. Mike12: And our Credit Card Numbers. Tom09: Well, you gotta give Ratliff credit. If you're gonna crib, you might as well crib from the best. Tom15: Apparently this isn't the draft of the Declaration with the words "Nanny-nanny boo-boo" in it.... Crow13: Meanwhile, Thomas Jefferson is doing laps in his grave and cursing Stephen Ratliff's ancestry. Mike13: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT information is ENCOURAGED. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. Tom13: If he's in college, why was he thanking people in his high school and *elementary* school?? Mike13: Remember ... "It's only a fanfic." Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic.... >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ Mike08: Now, *that's* just scary. >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 Mike04: "That one looks like a dragon." - stoned comment of Cmdr. Spock, ST:TOS Crow13: Stephen Ratliff recognizes sarcasm. Film at 11. Mike09: I thought they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. Crow09: I hope not, 'cause I've got two tickets to paradise. Tom09: Actually, if you look real close, you can see paradise by the dashboard light.... Crow01: It's over? Yes! And to think, barring the spelling and grammar, this one wasn't all that badly written! [Crow01 gets up to leave.] Mike01: [Leans close to Crow01 and whispers loudly] Uh, Crow.... Remember, this is just the prologue. It hasn't even started yet. Crow01: *What*?! *NOOOO*!!!! [Crow01's head explodes, and the proximity causes Mike01's head to explode! Bits of springs and wires now stick out of the heads of Tom01, Crow01, and Mike01, and they remain unmoving.] >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) Mike08: You know, I understand the gag reflex much better now. >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: INFO: Premier Maqui Mike09: [as narrator] Your guide through this storyline. Tom09: Also known as, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here." Tom08: Sooo, it's "Maqui" now? By the end of the story, it's gonna be "Margarine" or something. Crow08: Better check the warranty on the proofreader, Stephen. >> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:00:10 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 31 >> Message-ID: <5152uq$n0b@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> Title: Premier Maqui Mike15: With no "S" at the end like before. We must be very clear on that. >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) Mike08: Huh. Doesn't look any more promising when you repeat it. Tom08: Or any less frightening. >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions Mike08: Stargazer? But.... Crow08: Don't go there, Nelson. Crow09: Have you tried the Stargazer Fruit Chews? They're really pretty good. Tom15: [singing] We'll keep hope alive with our StarGazers. >> Expected Completion: 13 weeks Tom13: Countdown to disaster! Tom12: Is that the sequel to "9 1/2 Weeks"? >> TV-Guide-like blub: Tom08: Oh, so the story's drowning already. Mike08: Well, that'll happen. Tom02: "Blub"? As in crying? Crow02: Why not? We cry when we read this. >> The Marqui declare Independence Mike06: Uh oh. Do you think Ratliff's been getting ideas from "Independence Day"? Crow06: If this fanfic has Randy Quaid in it, I am *leaving*! >> and try to steal some starships. Mike08: The readers declare frustration and try to steal some shuteye. Mike09: Naturally, "Hi-jinx ensues." Tom09: I thought it was "Hilarity abounds." Crow09: No, no, no, it's "Zaniness erupts." >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them Crow13: Using plot holes big enough to drive a semi through. Crow07: So, there's a lot of trying in this, huh? Crow08: And fail! Pleasepleaseplease.... Crow12: She's unable to, so she just kills them all. Mike02: Now there goes any hope for suspense. Crow02: There was never any hope for suspense. Crow15: And now, Ratliff summarizes great works of literature: Mike15: [as Ratliff] Moby Dick, by Herman Melville: Some guy who's ticked at a whale. Tom15: [as Ratliff] Hamlet, by William Shakespere: A guy's sad about stuff and everyone dies in the end. >> >> Forward: Tom04: Backward! Crow04: I buried Paul! >> This is the 11th Marrissa Story. Mike08: [as Billy Crystal] And thank you for bringing up such a painful subject.... >> Boy have I been arround a lot. Crow08: I don't think that's anybody's business but yours. Mike08: Crow, I'm proud of you. Crow08: Even *I* didn't want to try any other angle with that one. All04: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around.... All14: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around.... Crow09: Yeah, so has influenza. >> Hopefully I've improved in the past 3 years. All02: \ All08: - [pause] Naaaaah, too easy. All14: / Tom13: [ghostly voice] Doooon't yoooou believe it! Mike12: He'd almost *have* to. Tom15: Getting worse could signal the heat-death of the universe.... >> In any case, I'd like to >> know how I'm doing. Crow13: No, Stephen, you don't. You really don't. Mike15: Who wants to tell him? Bots15: Me! OOoh! Me! Tom02: [as Ed Koch] How'm I doing? How'm I doing? How'm I doing? Mike04: Glad you asked, Stephen. Several of your progress reports can be found here: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/ >> Please tell me what you liked, Tom08: Well, that won't take long. >> disliked, or just hated. Tom13: Liked --- the fact that it ended. Disliked --- the fact that it started. Hated --- EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!! >> I can >> take what ever you throw at me. Crow09: Rotten eggs? Mike09: Check. Tom09: Beakers of Nitro? Mike09: Check. Crow09: Llama Scat? Mike09: Check. Tom09: Hospital Food? Mike09: Oh, now, let's not be cruel, Servo. >> You can't get any worse that ratmm >> after all. Mike04: He misspelled his own name again. It's RatLIFF. Tom15: Rec.arts.tv.mating.marmoset? Crow09: Runny, Awful, Tiny Mushy Mangoes? Mike09: Red Army Tanks, Minus Men? Tom09: Ratliff's Animosity Towards My Mission? Crow09: Shouldn't that be "Twoards"? All13: All hail ratmm! Crow13: Who's ratmm, anyway? Mike13: I dunno, but if it's critical of Ratliff, it's a friend of ours. >> >> Part 02 follows. Tom08: You mean it hasn't even STARTED yet? Crow08: We've been through ten of these so far, and I have yet to see one that starts before Part 2. Mike08: Or Part 10, for that matter. >> Parts will be reposted every month on the first >> tuesday of the month. Crow07: Reposted?!? Wasn't the first time enough? Crow08: This thing's gonna rerun more often than "Stewardess School"! Tom08: NOTHING reruns more often than "Stewardess School." >> New parts will be posted every tuesday. Tom02: Remind me to shoot myself on Mondays. Tom13: Is that a warning or a threat? Crow15: He plans to cause death and havoc on every Tuesday. Mike15: [as Tom Baker] Really? How vulgar. No one does anything of importance on a Tuesday. >> >> Stephen Ratliff. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ Crow09: [singing, as Bob Hope] And FAQs --- for the memories.... Crow13: FAQ #1: WHY IS STEPHEN RATLIFF ALLOWED TO WRITE??? >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 Mike04: "Jimmy boy, have you ever had a real mint julep?" - stoned comment of Dr. McCoy, ST:TOS Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... [cut to commercials] =========================== part 2/6 =============================== [return from commercials] >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: NEW Premier Maqui part 2 >> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:02:06 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 142 >> Message-ID: <51532e$n0b@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] Crow09: So I guess we get this whole shmear every time? Tom09: Looks that way.... >> >> >> >> Title: Premier Marqui Tom13: First Noble? Mike, this just doesn't parse! >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> Expected Completion: 13 weeks >> TV-Guide-like blub: Tom14: [as TV-Guide] One-half star.... Tom08: [foaming at mouth] It's BLURB! BLURB, I tell you! Mike08: Easy, Tom. >> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships. Crow08: Readers declare boredom. >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them Tom08: [as announcer] Guest-starring Gerald McRaney as Marrissa. Mike08 and Crow08: HUH? Tom09: [as "blub"] Millions die, and Marrissa gets promoted to Supreme Dictator-for-Life. Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... >> >> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can >> take what ever you throw at me. You can't get any worse that ratmm >> after all. Mike08: They say that ratmm is one bad... Tom08: Shut yo' MOUTH! Mike08: But I'm just talkin' 'bout ratmm. Crow08: I can dig it. Crow09: Rented "Animaniacs" Tapes Might Melt? Mike09: Righteous Alabamians Trample Mississippi Mud? Tom09: Rec.Arts.TV.MST3K.Misc? Crow09: Ah, don't be silly, Servo. >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. All06: THANK GOD!!! Crow08: Not a GOOD work of fiction, by any stretch of the imagination, but a work of fiction, nonetheless. Tom08: You could make a good case that this is in fact nonfiction. Mike08: HUH? Tom08: Fiction is supposed to be plausible. Mike08 and Crow08: Aaaah. >> Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used Mike08: Inappropriately. >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental Tom08: Any resemblance to a coherent story is probably misapplied. Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. Mike08: Everything else is property of Marrissa. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... Mike15: Ok, we've run that joke into the mire.... >> >> Chapter One Tom12: The Armageddon. Mike07: ... in which Pip visits Miss Havisham and learns a Secret. Tom11: Your Honor, the author pleads guilty of chapter in the first degree. Crow08: Oh, so it's starting. Tom08: Not necessarily. Crow10: Better settle in. Maybe get a sandwich or something. >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard Tom15: Oh, dear, she's been promoted! Crow15: Again. >> entered the bridge of the >> USS Miranda. Crow12: Rights. Tom10: But she failed to secure a warrant first and the case was thrown out of court. Tom09: Miranda Richardson? Crow09: ... leading a fleet composed of the USS Helen Mirren, USS Vanessa Redgrave, and USS Joan Plowright. >> Noticing Captain T'Gwen Washington Mike08: [as T'Gwen] Marrissa noticed me! I'm alive! Tom06: Nice to know that *someone's* not beneath Marrissa's notice here.... >> she said, Tom14: [as Marrissa] Get out of my command chair! >> "Reporting as >> ordered, Captain." Tom08: [as T'Gwen] Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't take me seriously. >> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, I presume," T'Gwen said. Crow06: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone? Crow13: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone? Tom15: You presume too much, Mister Bond.... Crow10: You know, when you presume, you make a pres out of... uh... oh, wrong one.... >> "I >> regret that I can not take command of the Stargazer at the moment, Tom10: [as T'Gwen] But I... uh... have to wax the cat so I'll just see you later, okay? Bye. That alarm that says "warp core breach" is just broken, it's been like that all week. Don't think about it. >> but I >> must wait for the Victory to arrive so I can turn over command of the >> Miranda to Captain Zimbata." Crow06: Hikeeba! Tom06: Zimbata! Crow10: Miranda Zimbata Jingleheimer-Schmidt. Tom05: Ah, but I love Ratliff's naturalistic dialogue. Tom13: Wasn't that an album by The Police --- "Zimbata Mondatta"? Mike13: Zenyatta, not Zimbata. Tom08: [singing] Hakuna Zimbata... Mike08: [singing] He's still in a daze... Crow08: [singing] He'll regret his involvement... Tom08: [singing] For the rest of his days. Crow03: Say, is T'Gwen a masculine name or a feminine one? Mike03: Possibly T'Gwen is a hermaphrodite. >> "I understand, Captain, I assume that means I will be turning >> command over to our Cardassian First Officer," Marrissa commented. Mike15: [as Marrissa] Commander Whatshisface. The alien type guy.... Mike08: At the risk of sounding like a fanboy, HUH? Crow13: Of course not. In *this* story, all commands are turned over to underqualified minors. Crow11: [as Marrissa] You know, that would be a pity. The last person who removed me from command had this unfortunate ... accident. >> "No, Gusat All09: Gesundheit! >> has orders to report to Captain Washington of the >> Stargazer, and since I have not taken command of that vessel yet, he can >> not report in, and hence command it," Washington commented. Crow09: It's "Syntax-a-Poppin'" week here at Ratliff Central. Tom14: [as T'Gwen] We tried phoning Gusat to explain all this, but the lines were busy. Tom03: Hmmm, what? Is there more than one Washington in this story? Crow03: That explains it, T'Gwen's a group entity. One female and one male. Tom11: I'm not even going to *try* to parse that last sentence. Mike11: It's really quite easy. T'Gwen was supposed to hand command of the Stargazer over to Gusat, but T'Gwen can't do that since she isn't in command of the Stargazer. And because T'Gwen can't make the transfer of command because Marrissa's in command, she's leaving Marrissa in command. Tom11: Thanks, Mike. It's all clear to me now. [Starts shivering] Tom15: What the...??? Trying to puzzle that thing out's giving me a headache. Mike15: Don't think, you'll enjoy it more. Crow15: Ah, the Brannon Braga theory of television production.... >> "So I guess >> you will have to stay in command until then." Crow07: [as Marrissa] Oh poopie. Tom02: Another dribbling plot device to put Marrissa in charge. Mike15: [dully] They've placed Marrissa in command again. What a surprise. Crow08: [as Church Lady] How conveeeeeeeeeeenient. Tom06: Let me see if I've got this straight. Since "Captain Washington of the Stargazer" is in command of another ship at the moment, she's become a completely different person? Crow06: Does *anybody* here think that it wouldn't be just as easy for First Officer Gusat to be having this conversation with Captain Washington? Mike10: This isn't a galactic organization so much as it is a high school student council. >> "It's no hardship," Marrissa replied. Crow13: No, it's a STARship! Heh heh heh. Mike06: [as Marrissa] In fact, it'll be kinda neat to have the Stargazer's crew under my thumb again. Crow12: [as Marrissa] I'm just gonna run out and kill some things. Tom09: [as Marrissa] Oh, all right, Captain, I'll command your puny vessel for a while longer, but I want that dreadnought here in a week, or heads will roll! >> "Oh, and Captain, the >> Cardassian Central Command Crow07: Cardassian Central? Hey, that'd be funnier than--- Mike07: Shh, you're not supposed to know about that. >> has requested permission for their officers >> who will be joining the Stargazer to be allowed to wear Star Fleet >> uniforms. Mike13: They like the way its skin-tight design leaves nothing to the imagination.... Tom15: Yeah, they want to erase any sense of individual culture as soon as possible. Crow15: And I thought the Borg were obsessed with assimilation.... >> The Admiralty has informed them that such decisions are the >> Captain's prerogative on an individual basis." Mike08: And, in a Ratliff story, central to the action. Tom08: Inaction. Mike08: Right. Tom04: [as Marrissa] Today it's Starfleet uniforms. Tomorrow, Starfleet bobby pins. Give an inch and they take a mile! Crow11: [as Marrissa] No Starfleet uniform for you. You look much cuter in a Cardassian uniform. Mike09: Wait, back up here. Why are there Cardassians on a Starfleet ship in the first place? Tom09: The Cardassians need a little civilizin', and Marrissa's just the gal fer th'job! Tom06: Why haven't they been told that they *have to* wear Starfleet uniforms? They're under Starfleet orders on board a Starfleet vessel. Mike06: This is Ratliffleet. You need permission from the first officer to go into second gear. Crow06: Not to mention changing your underwear. Crow03: I think T'Gwen's a woman, since they're talking about clothing and fashion and femme-y stuff like that. >> "Inform the Cardassian Central Command that I will grant that >> permission," the half Vulcan Tom13: Half >> Captain Crow13: Half >> replied. Mike13: OK, that's enough of that. >> "I suggest that you grant >> interim permission as well, Commander." Tom04: Intermission? Did they say intermission? Mike04: No, no --- calm down. Tom11: Absolutely no one will remain seated duing the intense Dress Code scene! Mike15: Yes, everyone wants to cast away their stupid alien cultures and join the Federation. Crow15: [announcer voice] The Federation: We're better because the humans run us. Tom03: T'Gwen's got to be male. When's the last time you saw a female Vulcan who wasn't a member of Spock's family? >> "Aye, sir," Picard replied. "If you'll excuse me, I've just >> been informed that I'm to attend a diplomatic function tonight Tom10: [as Marrissa] Apparently, I'm to be a sacrifice to appease some war gods or something.... >> aboard >> the station, and I forgot to pack a dress." Crow11: [as Marrissa] And a whip! These diplomats can be hard to handle. Tom04: [announcer voice] But in Marrissa's hands, it becomes a diplomatic *mal*function! Will the fun never cease? Marrissa Explains It All... All04: Here on Nickelodeon! Mike02: Wow, the great Marrissa forgot something. Crow02: A moment to be treasured. Crow09: [as Marrissa] Lessee here, we got the Admiral's Uniform, Battle- Armor, Borg Costume, Dominatrix Outfit ... What?!? Not one single Empire Gown in the whole lousy stinking lot?!?!? >> "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commander," Captain T'Gwen Washington >> concluded. Crow10: They're apparently all allergic to actually *saying* anything. Tom15: Concluded what? *What?* English, Stephen! Do you speak it?!? Tom08: [as T'Gwen] I thought I'd NEVER get her outta here. Mike08: She DOES suck the air right out of a room, doesn't she? Crow03: T'Gwen's gotta be a woman. Marrissa forgets her dress and all she says is, "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commader," instead of, say, "Well, why don'tcha forget everything else as well, yuk yuk!" >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard Mike07: I forgot. What rank is she again? >> walked down Deep Space >> Nine's Promenade, Tom10: ... practicing her square dancing. >> while waiting for Garak to finish her dress. Tom04: ... this presented some difficulty, as she was still wearing it. Mike04: Luckily, his time in the Obsidian Order prepared him for this eventuality. Tom13: ... which meant that she was walking around in the nude and was about to be arrested. Mike13: You've read too many of the "Marrissa ogling scenes." >> As she >> walked toward Quark's she spied Captain Sisko's son, Jake. Crow13: [as Jake] Are you spying on me?? Tom09: It's the Sisko kid! [Mike09 & Crow09 groan.] Tom09: Oh, like you haven't been thinking the exact same thing since the show first went on the air. >> "Jake," she >> called out. As he walked up to Marrissa, she continued, "Remember me, >> Marrissa?" Tom06: [as Jake] Yes... despite all my best efforts. Mike09: [as Jake] AHH-H-H-H!!! YOU'RE REAL!!! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!!!! Mike11: \ Mike12: - [as Jake] No, you Marrissa. Me Jake. Mike13: / Mike08:/ >> "How could I forget the person who provided me with my first, Crow13: Tongue kiss. Mike13: Ewwwwww! That's BEYOND sick! >> and so far only authorized biography contract," Jake replied. Crow10: ...in response. Tom08: [as Jake] I'll be YEARS paying off the loss on this one. Mike15: I vividly remember the stir it caused when it made Oprah's Book Club.... >> "Especially since it sold five trillion copies, and was on the >> bestsellers list for 8 weeks. Mike09: Everyone had to buy one. I mean, *had* to buy one. Crow09: So where is your copy of Marrissa's book?!? You are supposed to have it with you at all times!! GUARDS!! TAKE THEM AWAY!! Mike06: Oh boy. Now we *know* that Ratliff is living in his own fantasy world. He actually expects his readers to believe that people would *pay* to read Marrissa stories! Tom06: I could see that happening... Mike06 & Crow06: HUH?!? Tom06: ... if they were promoted as tales of horror. Tom14: Ratliff indulging egotistical fantasies. Not a pretty sight. Crow03: "Marrissa's Story: In Which She Explains Just Why She Always Gets the Easy Breaks." Crow08: Because EVERYONE loves Marrissa! Tom08: And because she's a twelve-year-old girl with a whip and a phaser. Mike08: Tom! How could you?! Tom08: No, I was saying because they'd be... Awww.... Mike10: Pop culture in the 24th century is apparently pretty easily amused. Tom10: No wonder they're all fascinated with 20th Century U.S. culture. >> Tell me, can I write a sequel?" Tom13: Only if you're a loser from Radford University. Heh heh. Tom12: Ratliff, you should be ashamed of yourself. Mike03: Haven't you written enough Marrissa sequels already?! Mike08: So Jake is the Michael Crichton of Ratliff's universe. Tom08: Looks like it. Mike09: Jake's trying to stay alive by proving he's in some way useful to Marrissa. >> "Maybe when I've done a little more," Marrissa said. Crow12: [as Marrissa] Wait till the end of this chapter. Crow14: [as Marrissa] I've only conquered 1/3 of the galaxy yet. Crow11: [as Marrissa] I've only laid waste to half the galaxy yet. >> "Your last >> one ended when I took that Trakce ship. Tom13: Eckart spelled backwards. Crow13: What the heck is Eckart? Mike13: Well, it sounds like "Eckerd" --- a drug store down south. Tom13: He named an alien race after a DRUG STORE?!? >> I've only discovered that I'm a >> Princess Crow13: [whiny] I want a new mink coat! I want to go to Miaaaaami! Mike13: [scolding] That's a very negative stereotype. Shame on you! Tom13: Yet oddly appropriate. Mike13: [warningly] Tom! >> and got promoted since then." Crow04: Modesty incarnate. Crow07: [as Marrissa] Yeah, just everyday humdrum trivia recently. Crow02: [as Marrissa] At least wait until I'm God of the Universe. Crow08: [as Jake] You're right. It's not much of a story. Mike08: Well, *we* could have told him that. Mike06: [as Jake] Ho hum. Is that all? Crow06: [as Marrissa] Yeah, same old same old. All these awards get pretty boring after a while.... Mike11: Even Marrissa seems to want to forget "Time Speeder." Mike10: Jake, if it weren't for exposition, would you exist at all? Tom10: Doesn't matter, she'd break into the intercom and tell everyone if he weren't here. >> "I didn't see the Enterprise come in, Mike13: It used the servants' entrance. >> and it's hard to miss a >> Galaxy class starship," Jake commented. Mike06: [as Jake] Especially when you've got a whole bank of photon torpedoes locked onto it. Tom11: [as Jake] Then again, my aim sucks. Crow13: That's true. I miss it already. [breaks down, crying] Oh, how I miss it! Mike13: [patting Crow13] There, there. >> "So are you here on vacation?" Tom08: *Please* tell me that he's not hitting on her. Mike08: He's not hitting on her. Tom08: Thanks. Mike08: I hope. Mike10: [as Marrissa] No, I'm here on a space station...oh, wait...oh. Tom13: [as Marrissa] Sort of. Galactic domination is kind of a hobby with me. Tom15: [as announcer] Come visit sunny Deep Space Nine, Ground Zero for an imminent Dominion invasion. Crow15: [as announcer] Go home with plenty of pictures and a body count.... >> "No, I got a promotion and a transfer," Tom06: [as Marrissa] It was the only way they could get rid of me. >> Marrissa replied. "I'm >> now Second Officer and Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893." Mike10: ZIP 07746-2305. Crow10: UPC 59800 21742. Tom10: ISBN 0-89954-995-0. Crow03: [as Marrissa] And you, I understand, are now the head barman in Ten Forward. And I've heard that your parents have gotten night jobs as private eyes while they continue to work at DS9 during the day. Aren't these long stretches of expository text just wonderful? Mike15: Fighter commander? Tom15: When did these ships get fighters? Crow15: Probably something he stole from "Babylon 5." It's becoming required at Paramount these days. >> "Congratulations, Marrissa," Jake replied. "If I remember what >> my dad said, Mike10: [as Jake] My head will be clogged full of pointless baseball anecdotes. >> you'll be having a great adventure in the demilitarized >> zone." Mike04: Playing with discarded munitions and so forth. Tom08: Yep ... Demilitarized Zones: Family fun for everyone! Crow13: The Demilitarized Zone! A place to relax from the stresses of the work day. Crow11: Yes, choose death! Death, the greatest adventure of them all! This message was brought to you by the Death Council. Tom12: [quietly] I'd rather she was sent to the dematerialized zone. >> "The Marqui thought they had problems with the Intrepid class," Tom06: But they won't know what trouble *is* until they've taken Professor Johnson's English class.... Mike08: Actually, the FEDERATION has problems with the Intrepid class. >> Marrissa said. "Wait till they see what my Essex-10 fighters can do." Mike13: [as Marrissa] Blue Angels, bite me! Tom13: [in awe] Mike just said "bite me"! Crow13: Our plan is working. Tom08: But can they do the Kessel run in twelve parsecs? Mike03: [as Marrissa] It wasn't destructive enough at first, so I rewired it. More power!! Arrh arrh arrh! Tom03: T'Gwen might be a female, but I'm not so sure about Marrissa. Crow10: SX-10? Isn't that the portable version of the Commodore 64 that nobody bought? Crow15: Marrissa designed her own fighters? Tom15: Well, lowest bidder and all.... Mike15: [as Ralph Nader] The Essex-10, unsafe at any velocity! >> "Record a battle for me," Jake asked. "It might help with my >> series I'm writing about a Marqui fighter." Mike14: [as Jake] I promise I won't sell classified material to the Dominion or nothing. Crow06: [as Marrissa] And because it's you, Jake, I won't even bother to edit out any classified information from the recording. Mike06: After the success of DOOM, all fighters came with a -record {filename}.lmp feature built in.... >> "You know a Marqui?" Marrissa inquired All02: Traitor! Traitor! Tom08: [as announcer] Treason: It's what's hot! Tom04: [as Ratliff] Yes --- they're a group of freedom fighters I invented. I simply altered the spelling of "Maquis." Much like the word "Tracke" is derived from "Crappe," a common French perjorative. >> "Not really, but I've interviewed several captured ones and I've >> been writing fiction books about one," Jake said. Tom13: Enterprized, A Gul's Revenge, Cadet Cruise.... Crow07: [as Jake] Plus, my invisible friend Bunky is a Marqui. Crow03: Oh, so Jake's the author of the famous "Johnny Maquaine." See, 'cause it's like "Johnny Tremaine" but different... heh... uh, never mind. >> "Hey, isn't that your >> new first officer, Gusat?" All09: Gesundheit! Mike10: [as Jake] And look! He's wearing your new dress! Tom04: [as Garak] No, my name is Garak. I am a simple tailor whose job it is to mend... to alter... to repair --- yet I find myself hampered by this young lady's incessant movements. Mike04: Good Garak, Tom. Tom04: [bows as best he can; almost tips over] >> "I believe you are right, Jake," Marrissa replied. Crow09: [as Marrissa] And for that, you must die! >> "If you will >> excuse me, I better go introduce myself." Tom04: [as Garak] No! Wait! I'm not done yet! Tom08: [as Marrissa] I don't have much time to subjugate him to my will.... Crow06: [as Marrissa] But come and see me later. I could use a kid like you in my organization. Tom09: If everybody in the galaxy owns five copies of her book, why does she need to introduce herself? Tom13: [as Marrissa] Hi, I'm Marrissa, and I'll be your annoying twit for the evening. Mike15: She doesn't even know what her first officer looks like? Crow15: Marrissa Picard --- she just doesn't care.... >> >> The Cardassian officer Gusat was on his way to Quarks for a >> little Dabo Crow14: Hey, that's dirty! Mike14: It's a gambling game, Crow. Crow14: Oh.... Never mind. Mike09: I could go for a little Olivia D'Abo myself. Crow04: Olivia or Maryam? Mike04: And don't call her little --- she's got Q powers. Tom04: Yeah --- she'll probably smite you or cast you out or something. >> when Marrissa caught up with him. "Gusat," All09: Gesundheit! >> she inquired. >> "Yes," he responded. >> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, I'll be serving as >> Second Officer and Fighter Commander under you on the Stargazer." Mike08: Not a *word*, Crow. Crow12: That's just too easy. I'm not gonna say it. Tom06: [as Marrissa] But you'll have to wait until hell freezes over before I'll let you actually give me orders. Crow09: I wonder what the Cardassian term for "Ritual Suicide" is? Tom09: "Marrissa." >> "I've been looking forward to meeting you face to face," Gusat >> smiled. Mike06: [as Gusat] Now you're an easy target for my disruptor.... Tom11: [as Gusat] I've been waiting to smack you in the face ever since.... Mike11: [interrupting Tom11] Let's not build our hopes up too high, shall we? Tom10: Even as we speak, James Blish is rising from the grave to assault Stephen Ratliff. Mike10: Good. >> "Have we meet before?" Marrissa asked. Mike07: [as Gusat] No, but I've read a few crappy fanfics about you. Crow08: [as Gusat] No, this is the first time we've meet, but I'm sure we'll met again. Mike08: Did Ratliff PAY that proofreader? >> "We have," Gusat responded. "I was a helmsman on Gul Ducat's >> ship when you drove him insane." Tom02: As well as the rest of us. Tom06: Especially the readers! Mike11: Especially the readers! Mike03: Oh no. Not a flashback...?!! Mike10: Oh, Ducat read that Marrissa biography too? Tom13: Ducat read the Marrissa fanfic series! >> "I wasn't aware that I caused him that much harm," Marrissa >> replied. "I only wanted to humiliate him." Tom14: [as Marrissa] And subjugate him, like I do *all* adults in my presence. Mike07: [as Marrissa] And crush his soul under my heel, hee hee hee! Mike06: [as Marrissa] Humiliation is fun! I don't see why anyone would make such a big deal out of it.... Crow09: [as Marrissa] I usually charge for inducing madness. Humiliation's just a hobby, y'know? It's this little thing I do. Crow11: [as Marrissa] Public humiliation of others is *all* I ever want. I have no other motivation for existence! Well, that, and telling others what to do. Oh yeah, and killing people. Crow12: [as Marrissa] Did he really mind the dog collar that much? Mike08: I thought just his being in the story was humiliation enough. >> "Well you did a good job and since he went mad, everyone under >> him got promoted," Gusat said. Tom06: [as evil Chekov] You go bonkers, and we *all* move up in rank! >> "So I must thank you for that." Mike11: So when someone above you goes nuts, you get promoted? Tom11: I think Ratliff has finally explained Marrissa's rapid rise through the ranks. Tom13: Nothing like provoking a little insanity in your commanding officer for personal gain. Crow14: Ah yes, a Captain goes mad and every single ensign under him becomes a lieutenant. I can see that. Crow08: [as Gusat] You *must* permit me to drive one of your leaders out of his or her mind sometime.... Mike09: [as Gusat] Thank you for spreading insanity through the galaxy --- just please, don't hurt me! >> "Your welcome, Glinn," Marrissa replied as they sat down at the >> bar. "Strawberry soda, Crow04: [singing] Forever.... >> Quark, and don't you even think of spiking it >> this time." >> "Spiking it?" Glinn Gusat questioned. Tom11: [as Marrissa] Yeah, putting spikes and razor blades in it. I almost cut my tongue off. >> "He, unintentionally he claims, gave me a strawberry Bajoran All08: Eeewwwwwww! >> ale All08: Whew! >> when I was here for my twelfth birthday," Marrissa explained. "And I >> had little tolerance for alcohol at the time." Crow04: [as Marrissa] But after several mandatory Beverage Diversity seminars, I'm now far more tolerant. Mike06: [as Marrissa] But now my fourteen-year-old liver and I can booze it up with the best of them! Crow02: [as Marrissa] But now I can pack 'em away just like Admiral Scott. Crow08: [as Marrissa] Now, of course, I can drink like a fish. Mike03: Aaargh! Stop threatening us with these flashbacks! >> Mike15: Oh. Tom15: And the scene just kinda peters out.... >> The Intrepid class starship Fearless Tom04: Wasn't Jeff Bridges' character in "Fearless" allergic to strawberries? Crow04: Indeed --- and wasn't Marrissa just speaking of strawberry soda? Tom04: And wasn't John DeLancie in "Fearless"? Mike04: Eerie, guys, really eerie. Mike13: [singing] You say the hill's too steep to cliiiimb.... Tom13: I think that's a little obscure, even for you, Nelson. >> was taking a break from >> demilitarized zone patrol. Crow12: It was having a Kit-Kat bar. Crow15: Just kicking back with a few brewskies, whistling at cute freighters as they pass by.... Crow03: So the Fearless ship is Intrepid. Tom03: No, the Intrepid ship is the Fearless. >> Admiral Ellis had ordered the bridge crew to >> take shore leave Mike07: [as Ellis] Go have fun, you crazy kids! >> on Greenhome IV, Tom04: [as elderly Kirk in "Deadly Years"] Greenhome... up there... on my bridge... running my ship! >> a planet in the DMZ. Mike11: Drink More Zima? Tom11: Dark Marrissa Zero? Crow11: Data's Manly Zones? Mike11: Crow! Tom15: [as Ellis] You're going to go down there and have fun or I'll have you shot. Crow15: What kind of idiot goes for R-and-R in a DMZ? Mike15: I smell a Ratliff plot device.... >> Captain Seina >> had left Doctor Francis Pazzi, Mike06: [as the Fonz] Aaaaayyyyyy, Pazzi! Where's Ralph Malph? Crow04: "Doctor Francis Pazzi." Hmm. That's an anagram of "I'd scan for ROTC pizza." Mike04: What's an ROTC pizza? Tom04: A Viidian reserve officer? Mike04: Someone beamed the pepperoni straight out of Neelix's mouth! Crow04: And they split B'Elena into two distinct entities. Tom04: Free Kazon crazy bread with every order! Mike04: Okay, enough. Crow04: Just a phage we're going through. [Group groan, laced with pride.] >> the Chief Medical Officer in command. Crow10: Because, yes, Seina was that stupid. Tom13: Just to prove he can make poor decisions like Jean-Luc Picard. Mike12: [as Seina] If Picard can do it, so can I. >> If >> the Captain was going to be forced to take shore leave, he was going to >> make sure the person responsible was going to suffer for it. Mike07: Yeah, shore leave is such a drag. Tom08: How DARE they presume upon the Captain to have fun?! Mike08: I'm glad you didn't take the obvious joke there. Tom08: I think we all can be glad of that. >> Of the 132 >> crew members of the Fearless, only 30 were still on board, those who >> Doctor Pazzi had decided need shore leave the least. Crow08: Those who had pissed Doctor Pazzi off. Crow10: All the ones with talent. Crow13: [as Pazzi] No, Lieutenant Johnson does *not* need shore leave! [muttering] Steal Betty Lou away from me, will you? Mike04: I want to make a "Giant Rabbit" reference, but I can't decide on what. Tom15: I think we've stretched plausibility so far that it's snapped back and taken out an eye.... >> "Doctor, a Marqui raider Crow09: Ken Stabler? >> has entered the system," an ensign said >> from the helm. Crow15: How do they know? Mike15: The ship has "Marqui raider" painted on the side in fluorescent orange. Mike13: [as ensign] He's offering to play a Deathmatch in Quake. Crow11: A nameless ensign? He's gone! >> "Hail them," Doctor Pazzi stated. All14: Hail little Caesar! Mike08: Warn them out of this fanfic! Tom08: Gee, Nelson, thanks for not taking the obvious joke. Mike08: Heyyyy! >> The ex-Star Fleet Lieutenant Commander Michael Eddington >> appeared on screen. "Is everything ready?" Crow06: [as Eddington] Are you decent? Crow10: [as Eddington] Is my name British enough? Mike14: Back for a cameo, ladies and gentlemen, Commander Michael Eddington. Bots14: [cheering crowd noises] >> "The only ones here are us chickens," Pazzi responded. All13: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Crow03: [false-cheery tone] Oh, I just LOVE Ratliff's brilliant strokes of humor. Tom15: Not since Oscar Wilde and Tom Stoppard has such witty banter been seen.... Crow07: These are the yolks, folks. Mike11: Wow! This ship must be under constant yellow alert! Bots11: [Cringe at the lousy pun] Mike04: There's a Tyson Foods reference in here somewhere --- I can just feel it. Crow04: After all, Marrissa is friends with the Clintons. Tom08: Hey, I think Ratliff is introducing TREACHERY to his stories. Mike08: Well, he's been betraying readers for years now. >> "Very good, one to beam directly to the bridge," Eddington >> ordered. >> The channel closed, Mike09: Well, the way Herzog ran it, I'm not surprised. >> and Eddington materialized on the bridge. >> Doctor Pazzi got up out of the center seat and said, "Computer, transfer >> command to Captain Michael Eddington, per orders." Tom06: [as computer] Unable to comply. There is a Lieutenant Commander Eddington aboard, but no Captain Eddington. Tom11: Orders? Looks more like disorders to me. Tom13: [as computer] Big Mac and large fries processed. Would you like fries with that? >> "Transfer complete," the Computer replied. "The USS Fearless is >> now the Marqui vessel Defiance under command of Captain Michael >> Eddington." Crow15: Oh, that was easy. Tom15: Something tells me they've got a firewall made out of tissue paper. Mike10: This wouldn't have happened if they watched "Good Morning America." I saw them do a special report on how to keep this from happening to your vehicle. Mike04: Um... is that supposed to be ominous? Tom08: [as computer] And from now on, *I* will be known as "Magic Voice." >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 Mike04: "To... breathe... again!" - orgasmic comment of Capt. Kirk, ST:TOS Mike08: Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Crow05: I bet he wants to leave this fanfic, though. Mike15: Use some new stock footage, Ratliff!!! [The text freezes on the screen. All of the replicants remain seated, but Cambot backs up through the hallway.] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [We see Crow sitting behind the main console, surrounded by various pictures and props. Tom Servo is in the foreground wearing a black beret and holding a megaphone, looking very directorial.] TOM: OK, Mr. Graves, we've got a lot of Biography bumpers to shoot here, so let's get going. CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. All this month on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, we'll be running a 42-part serial devoted to the life of Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon Crusher Troi Burton Deutschmarx Overholt de la Cristo Fortensky, better known to the galaxy --- like Cher, Madonna, and Charro before her --- simply as "Marrissa." At the tender age of 14, Marrissa's first biography inexplicably sold over five trillion copies, more than the entire sentient population of the known galaxy. We're certainly hoping to duplicate that success here on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. But it still raises many questions. Why would Marrissa's biography be so overwhelmingly popular, in a world where many great writings go unpurchased, such as the wonderful screenplay by my close personal friend, Crow T. Robot, "Peter Graves at the University of Minnesota"? An outrage for which the Hollywood community should feel a great deal of shame --- for itself, and for its callous treatment of Mr. Robot, a brilliant young screenwriter chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood money machine, a... TOM: Please stay on script, Mr. Graves! CROW: [coughs] Ahem. So join us, please, as we delve into the mystery that is Marrissa, on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. For "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, I'm Peter Graves. TOM: OK, we'll clean that up in editing. Keep the camera rolling. Let's go folks, let's go! [Mike briefly holds in front of the camera a chalkboard saying, "'A&E Biography' with Peter Graves / Bumper 2 / Take 1".] [As Mike pulls the chalkboard away, Cambot treats us to the music and the wavy, out-of-focus visual effect indicating the passage of time. When he comes back into focus, Mike's chalkboard reads, "Bumper 4 / Take 3."] TOM: Action! CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves ... "Disaster!" The seminal moment of Marrissa's rise to power was her discovery of Ratliff gas, first created by a malfunction in the Enterprise turbolift, her mutant ability to detect it and her immunity from its effects. The effect of Ratliff gas is seen as not only is Captain Picard moved to sing, but to sing the most stereotypical song a Frenchman could sing, "Frere Jacques".... [Crow's voice fades out amidst more music and wavy, out-of-focus camera effects. Focus returns.] CROW: ...continued experimenting with Ratliff gas. We see its devastating effects in this clip in which Mr. Data and Ambassador Spock --- two of the galaxy's most eminently logical beings --- discuss why an untrained twelve-year-old girl should be given command of the Federation's most advanced technology and be made responsible for thousands of lives. >> "We are unable to cloak with the saucer section attached," Data >> said. "Also the regular crew is need for are mission to resucue the >> Enterprise-C. Westley Crusher suggested that the kids now in command >> of the bridge could do the job. The Girl in command has a 20 minute >> Kobayshi Maru time." >> "Logical." CROW: [shaking his head] Truly, truly, sad. Note also Data's impaired speech, and the curious side effect of referring to "The Girl" in capital letters, which suggests.... [Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.] CROW: ...other events in Marrissa's career can we attribute to this mysterious substance? The evil Trakce use an intruder knock-out gas to which they are more vulnerable than any other species in the galaxy, and then put a control panel in the one part of their ship most likely to be invaded. Years later, when the Enterprise-E under command of Captain Riker was captured by the Romulans --- an act sure to provoke intergalactic war --- what is the first priority of Starfleet's top admiralty when they hear this dreadful news? Answer: to assign the name "Enterprise" to Marrissa's new ship. And perhaps most shockingly, when His Holiness Pope Gregory "Shoot First, Ask Questions Later" the Twentieth entered a battle and fired on an unknown ship without first attempting communication. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with me, Peter Graves, we examine.... [Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.] CROW: ...Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves: "Royal Romance and Storybook Weddings." Picture, if you will, two young women --- long-lost cousins, both orphaned by violent circumstances, drawn together by tragedy, sharing the responsibilities and privileges of royalty, now rebuilding their lives. One of them has just received a marriage proposal. Imagine the joy, the giddy excitement, the intricate plans and deep personal feelings these two will spend hours sharing the next time they talk. Tonight, we see the tender, intimate side of Marrissa: >> Queen Victoria the First of Essex appeared on the view screen in >> Marrissa's quarters. "Marrissa, what brings you to call me?" she asked. >> "Sorry to interrupt your supper, Victoria," Marrissa said. "But >> I had to inform you of some good news." >> "How did you know I was eating supper?" the Queen asked. >> "The bit of apple sauce on your chin gave it away," Marrissa >> replied. >> The Queen wiped off the sauce and asked, "Now what is this good >> news." >> "Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said. [Cambot fast-forwards the scrolling text over the next few paragraphs. Readers should feel free --- nay, encouraged --- to ignore them.] >> "That is good news, now if I could only get William to do so," >> Victoria mused. >> "It gets better," Marrissa said. "Clara has also accepted >> Alexander's proposal." >> "So that explains that little piece of legislation you had >> William push though Parliament," the Queen said. "So Clara could marry >> a Klingon, boy those children aren't going to be typical royals." >> "Since when has Essex had a typical royal family?" Marrissa >> questioned. >> "It's been awhile," the Queen replied. >> "Lets see, I'm trying to get my Prime Minister to marry me. You're a >> starship Captain. Prince Daniel was one of his daughter's assistant >> engineers. Princess Clarrissa is a Chief Engineer on a Starship. Earl >> Flores, Martin Sussex is your Ship's Counselor. His mother runs a bar. >> I can't find any normal royalty in my family." >> "Then I guess it's been about ten years since Essex has had a >> normal royal family," Marrissa replied. "When can we arrange for a >> double wedding on Essex." >> "I think that I can have everything arranged in about three >> weeks so lets make it a month to provide a margin of error," >> Victoria said. "And when you arrive, could you help me kick the Prime >> Minister into action?" >> "It would be my pleasure," Marrissa said. "Transmit the time >> and date to my father so he can arrange his escape, use code Mozart >> Symphony number 23." [Text resumes normal scrolling speed.] >> "I'll be needing a guest list and a list of bridesmaids," >> Victoria said. >> "Just send me a request for any information you need and I'll >> get back to you ASAP," Marrissa said. >> "Congraduations Marrissa, and tell Clara the same," Victoria said. >> "Well I better get back to dinner. Essex out." CROW: [Long, deep sigh. Then silence for several seconds.] TOM: Mr. Graves? [pause] Mr. Graves! CROW: WHAT?! I mean, what is the point?! Why am I peddling this? Is this any way to end a career?! Seven years of "Mission: Impossible" and two Emmy nominations for *this*? TOM: Mr. Graves... CROW: ...I mean, just *look* at this cr.... TOM: MISTER GRAVES! [Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.] CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, the tragic final years of Marrissa. Burned out at the age of 30, thwarted on the verge of becoming Empress of the Galaxy because her victims built up a resistance to Ratliff gas, she is then court-martialled by Starfleet and dishonorably discharged. Captain Jay Gordon divorces her and takes custody the children. Considered too eccentric and bizarre to be a member of the Royal Family, she is removed from the throne of Essex. Now destitute, Marrissa is living in a trailer park on Rigel IV, where she is known as that crazy lady who keeps trying to administer Kobayashi Maru tests to all the neighborhood kids. Is this the end of Marrissa? Or will the rumors of a new infomercial appearance contract be her chance for a comeback? Will fanfic sign give her the opportunity to.... MIKE & TOM: FANFIC SIGN! [Fanfic sign is flashing. Mike hits it amidst pandemonium.] [They dive out of the way so that Cambot can head for the theater.] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [theater] [All of the replicants are waiting in the theater as Cambot settles into place. The text resumes scrolling.] >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maqui part 3 >> Date: 17 Sep 1996 19:06:55 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 198 >> Message-ID: <51mssf$9ae@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: plunky.sunlab.cs.runet.edu Crow07: Narf! Tom09: [as The Brain] Plunky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Crow09: [as Pinky] Um, I think so, Brain, but butterscotch pudding gives me the hives something awful. Tom08: Anyone know what that "plunky" sound was? Mike08: I think that was the story falling flat. >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Premier Maqui* >> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> part 3 >> >> * Note: I'm trying to use the singular here. Tom12: [as Ratliff] I'm failing, but I am trying. >> Maquis (as in the episode) >> is refering to the group. I'm refering to just one. Tom07: Wait, didn't he refer to the whole group without the "s" already? Mike07: That way lies madness. Crow08: Study French much, Stephen? Mike08: Not so you'd notice. Tom04: If only the French would wise up to this. If you wanted to talk about a single race car, you could simply say "Le Man." Mike04: Or a single sports sedan: "Calai." Crow04: A single capital: "Pari." Tom04: We'll always have Pari. Mike04: If you can stand watching Colin Baker, that is. Mike09: Sorry, Steve-a-rino. "Maquis" is both singular *and* plural. Tom09: [as Gomez Addams] "Maquis" --- Tish, that's French! Mike09: [as Morticia] Now Gomez, not in front of the Kids' Crew. >> >> Chapter Two Crow07: Electric Boogaloo. Tom12: The Return of Jafar. >> >> Captain's Log >> USS Stargazer >> STARDATE 50378.4 >> Captain T'Gwen Washington recording Mike09: Remember, being a Starfleet Captain and having a recording career just don't mix. Tom09: If you're going to command, don't sing; if you're going to sing, don't command. >> Captain Zimbata Crow12: The forbidden dance! >> of the Victory, having arrived to relieve me of Mike08: My belongings and other valuables. Tom08: My self-respect. >> the Miranda, Mike15: She makes the ship sound like a gallstone. >> I hereby accept command of the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893, Mike11: An overworked and underpowered ship waiting to come apart at every opportunity. Tom11: Mike, no one will get that. >> the >> first ship of the Stargazer class. Tom13: Stargazer: Class of '50378.4 >> I look forward to beginning our >> mission Mike14: Hey, this is stolen straight from "Encounter at Farpoint." Crow14: Sure, why not? He got away with ripping off Twain and the Founding Fathers, right? >> to reduce tensions in the demilitarized zone by Mike10: Shootin' stuff. Tom15: Oh, yes, reduce tension by tromping a warship around. Crow15: [singing] We come in peace. Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill, men! >> restraining the >> Marqui Crow09: Well, he's switched back to "Marqui" again. Tom09: What good's a word you can only spell one way? >> and their Cardassian counterpart, the Hi'den order, Mike07: Is that one of those really bad sci-fi puns, or unintentional? Crow08: I wonder what the Hi'den message is. Tom06: Didn't they compose a few symphonies under a different spelling? Mike15: [foppish voice] Oh, my what a witty jape! Crow15: [equally foppish voice] Yes, how droll! >> or the order >> of the forgotten and abandoned. Mike06: A perfect description for what this story should have been. Mike08: Star Trek fans, in other words. Crow08: Like you, Mike. Mike08: That's right, I... HEY! Crow11: [as T'Gwen] I'm looking forward especially to the restraining bit. >> Joining me on this mission will be my Cardassian first officer, >> Gusat, All09: Gesundheit! >> and several other members of the Cardassia Central Command. Crow10: [falsetto] ...who are even less important. >> In >> addition, I have the pleasure Crow06: [as T'Gwen] ...and I use that word *very* loosely. >> of one Lieutenant Commander Marrissa A. >> Picard, Tom08: [as T'Gwen, dripping with sarcasm] And it's just SUCH a pleasure, let me tell you. >> serving as my Second Officer and Fighter Commander. Her youth Crow08: [as T'Gwen] ...will probably doom us. >> and vigor, not to mention Tom10: ...her connections with the author. >> ability will be a refreshing change from the >> Miranda, where all my officers were Mike11: ...actually qualified to run a starship. >> older than 40, 5 years older than >> myself at the least. Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Which of course means they were all totally worthless and senile and incompetent, the poopie-heads! Crow06: [as T'Gwen] Once they get past puberty, it's all downhill from there.... Crow05: Never trust anyone over forty! Mike05: I keep getting this picture of Marrissa as a latter-day Dr. Kevorkian, killing off any Starfleet personnel over the age of twenty.... Tom10: This is like the background of a short story Orson Scott Card wrote for practice. Crow15: "Youth and vigor"? Tom15: Don't go there.... >> Most of our personnel have arrived. However, I am distressed by >> the lack of a Chief Engineer. Currently no one is assigned there. Tom04: That would tend to inflate repair estimates considerably. Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Apparently, Starfleet just clean forgot. Crow13: [as T'Gwen] There were only 18,284 qualified candidates. Mike11: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Ships never break down or even get a scratch with Marrissa on board. Tom09: No one to stand around and yell, "Cap'n, th' dilithium crystals canna take th' str-r-r-rain!!" Crow09: Nobody to wear a banana clip on his face. Mike09: No fabulously dangerous half-Klingon babes. Bots09: WHAT?!? Mike09: So I like Roxann Biggs-Dawson, so sue me. Tom15: [as T'Gwen] The engineer from the temp service only sits around and eats bearclaws all day. Mike15: HEY! Take that back! Tom15: Fat chance, Nelson. [Tom15 and Mike15 struggle. After a few seconds, Mike15 rips Tom15's head off. Unfortunately (for Mike15), this causes a minor explosion which takes out Mike15 as well. After the usual smoke, sparks, and bits of wire, they remain still.] >> I am >> now meeting with each of my command officers to get to know them better. Tom08: Let's *all* get to know them better. Mike08: Yes, let's. Crow08: Since we have no choice. Crow11: Is that in the biblical... MMMPPH!! Mike11: [clamping Crow11's beak] You're not making things easier, pal. Mike10: [as Radar] By command of the new commanding officer, all officers are to report to the commanding officer's office, sirs. >> >> "So Glinn," Washington asked. "What do you think of our young >> fighter commander?" As they lounged in her Ready Room. Tom08: [as Gusat] I try not to. Crow06: [as Gusat] You Starfleet people have a word that describes her well.... I believe it refers to a female member of the canine species? Mike13: [as Gusat] I want to play Baby Harp Seal with her. Crow13: Is it time for your Prozac(R) dose already? Bots03: I think our young fighter commander is FAB-ulous...!!! >> "If she does as well with fighters against Marqui; as she does >> with a saucer section, and a top-of-the-line Cardassian warship," Mike06: Ratliffian syntax strikes again.... Crow11: The saucer section I know about, but how did Marrissa get command of a Cardassian warship? Mike11: This plot point is left as an exercise for the reader. >> Glinn >> Gusat stated, "then she has my confidence. I certainly don't want to be Mike08: [as Gusat] ...on the same SHIP with her or anything, but... Tom08: [as T'Gwen] HAHAHAHahahaha. YOU'RE STUCK HERE! Crow10: [as Gusat] I don't want to even be in this fanfic. >> the pilot of the ship facing her again, and as for the weapons officer, >> perish the thought." Crow06: [as Gusat] I'd rather be where I can kill her with my own two hands. Crow05: And perish *would* be the thought if Marrissa's network of informers didn't bring back reports of sycophantic praise and adulation from her fellow officers. Crow08: [brightly] Don't worry. You can perish right here with the rest of us. Crow15: Yes, with whiny genius kids, you're INVINCIBLE!!! Mike10: [as Gusat] Can I go now? >> "Good, then I can expect few conflicts between you and our strong >> willed fighter commander," Tom10: [as Gusat] Who? Oh, you mean... okay, I see. >> the half-Vulcan replied. Tom10: Which half? Crow10: The outer half. Mike06: [as T'Gwen] You're better off that way. She tends to arrange little "accidents" for anyone who crosses her. >> "And by the way, >> you might want to pass the word not to call her Risa. Mike08: [as Gusat] Why would I have before you brought it up? Crow09: 'Cuz she's no pleasure planet, let me tell you! Tom13: [as T'Gwen] Snot-Nosed Brat, however, is perfectly acceptable. >> According to our >> Chief Tactical Officer, Tom10: Whose name has been withheld to protect our sources. >> that makes her mad enough to resort to practical >> jokes under the guise of a drill." Crow13: Under the guise of a Starfleet commander, most likely. Mike08: [as T'Gwen] And that could kill us all, so don't do it. Tom06: [as T'Gwen] That's when she dresses up as a drill and uses a squirt flower loaded with battery acid on anyone who gets too close. That Marrissa, what a kidder! >> "Practical jokes during a drill," Gusat responded. "I'd like to >> know how she does that." Crow15: OHMYGOD, it's "A-versus-D II" all over again!! NOOOOOOO!!! [Crow15's head blows up, and he joins Tom15, Mike15, and the 01-set in the replicant afterlife. Tom09: [as crewman] What th' --- hey! Who put this 100 pound weight in my hiking bag? Mike09: Oh, you zany, madcap fighter commander you. Crow13: ...Swapping pain-inducers for Novocaine. Mike13: Oooh, that makes my teeth hurt just *thinking* about it. Mike03: It would be nice to see a few practical jokes, just to put a stop to all this TALKING! Argh! >> "I'm sure Lieutenant Ross Lockard will inform us," Washington >> said. Crow07: Or maybe Drake Tungsten. Tom07: Or Rick Drywall. Tom08: Or Trent Lockjaw. Mike08: Or Drake Steelface. Crow08: Or Chet Hugelarge. >> >> At that moment, Lieutenant Ross Lockard Mike13: What was his rank again? Tom13: Commander? No ... Captain? Crow13: Admiral? >> was greeting the fighter >> pilots in the Fighter bay. Tom14: ...and Hudson pilots in the Hudson Bay. Crow04: The fighter inlet was simply too crowded this time of year. Crow06: [as Ross] Hi, I'm Ross Lockard, and I'm running for State Attorney General.... Tom07: [as Ross] Hello, fighter pilots. How's the wife and kids? >> Twenty-nine Cardassians Crow12: [singing] ...on the wall, Twenty-nine Cardassians. Crow08: [singing] And a hundred and one cornets in their wake! >> and an equal number >> of Starfleet personnel Tom09: Oh, let me guess ... 29? Tom13: So ... that would be twenty-nine? Mike13: Looks like it. >> stood in ranks by seniority Tom06: ...alphabetically by height. >> in the over 10,000 >> square foot bay. Crow06: Isn't that going to get them a little wet? Crow10: Does that include the bay windows and walk-in closet? Tom02: The lowest ranking members got to stand outside without vac suits... Crow02: Sssirrr. It's ccccold out here.... Tom13: Unfortunately, it was also 10,000 cubic feet, so they all died as a result of being three-dimensional beings in a two-dimensional space. Mike13: Uh, 10,000 cubic feet would mean that it's one foot high. Tom13: Oh, ease up, Techno-Boy. >> "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mike06: [as Ross] As I stand before you now, I'm reminded of something funny that happened to me on my way down to the fighter bay tonight.... >> I am the Chief Tactical Crow14: ...blunder. >> Officer >> on this vessel, Lieutenant Ross Lockard," he began. Tom08: [as Ross] But you may call me "Studmuffin." Mike10: Then he froze, panicked, ran underneath a table and curled up, quivering and screaming, "The doughnuts are out of order! The doughnuts are out of order!" >> "Your Commanding >> Officer, the Fighter Commander, Tom10: Let's give her a big Las Vegas welcome... >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, Mike08: [as Ross] Is a real pain in the ass, so just do what she says, and eventually she'll leave you alone. Crow08: [British] If you're very lucky, she MAY read you some of her poetry first.... >> had 'affairs of state' to finish Crow11: I guess that's what Lady Di calls it, too. Tom13: She's having an affair with New Jersey. Mike13: Ooh, Massachusetts will be so jealous. Crow13: [as Mel Brooks] I'm sorry, gentlemen, but affairs of state must take precedence before affairs of state. >> and will be joining us later. Crow08: If it's all right, Mike, I'd like to take TWO showers tonight. Mike11: Getting plastered at Quark's is an "affair of state?" Mike07: [as Ross] But, if you ask me, she just had a few too many strawberry daiquiris last night. Tom04: Actually, she's drafting a Declaration of Incompetence. >> Meanwhile, it is my job to introduce you to the rules and regulations >> of this vessel. Tom11: Rule number one: Never annoy Marrissa. Rule number two: Never annoy Marrissa. Rule number three... Crow13: Rule number 1 --- no running with scissors! Tom13: [British] Rule number 2 --- No Pooftahs! Mike13: That'll never pass the Politically Correct censors. Tom13: But it's a quote. That makes it all right ... right? >> "First, you are expected to keep your fighters in order. Tom06: Keep the fighters in their corners, and don't let them hit below the belt. Mike10: [as Ross] Namely, we want them lined up by their favorite condiments. >> We >> only have fifty of them and a rather short engineering staff. Mike10: Well, that's what you *get* for hiring six-year-olds. Mike04: They've gotta be short, what with these low-hanging girders. Mike09: [as Ross] And here's our new Chief Engineer, Robert Reich! Mike12: Fifty fighters and fifty-eight pilots? I see a fight coming on. >> In fact >> we are still waiting for a Chief Engineer. Mike11: [as Ross] So just try not to get your ships blown up, okay? Crow08: [as Ross] Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, we're pretty much doomed. Crow14: [as Ross] This means no fooling about with nitrous boosters. Especially you Duke boys! Tom13: So, um, they have no Chief Engineer, right? Mike13: Looks that way. Crow13: I'm sure Ratliff will remind us again later. >> "Secondly, as to obeying orders, Mike03: [as Ross] Yes, we think it'd be very nice for you to obey orders. And that's an order. Mike10: [as Ross] It'd be a good idea, except, well, *look* at us. >> you are to obey all the orders >> of those ranked above or positioned above you. All14: Well, duh! Mike08: ...except on alternate Thursdays. Tom08: So the fighter pilots are walk-ons or something? Crow09: What a bold administrative maneuver. Mike04: [mock horror] Everyone looks around in dismay. Crow04: [gasping] Could it be true? Tom10: This is known as the "dur--hey!" briefing. Tom12: Don't they teach *anything* at the Academy? Crow13: [as Ross] Of course, this goes without saying in any military operation, but I thought I'd break the ice by insulting your intelligence. Tom06: [as Ross] In other words, if you're on Deck 5, do everything that anyone on Deck 4 or higher tells you. Crow11: [as Ross] Disobeying orders because of moral concerns is for captains. You cannon fodder will be executed if you try anything like that. >> Your direct superiors Mike08: Don't care if you live or die, and don't you forget it! >> will be the Fighter Commander, the First Officer, Glinn Gusat, All09: Gesundheit! >> and the >> Captain, T'Gwen Washington. Crow08: Third, if you put leftovers in the fridge, MARK them for heaven's sake, or they're just fair game. Tom08: Fourth, if you drink the last cup of coffee, you make the next pot. Mike08: Fifth, don't start any subplots. Mike10: This kind of organization is what sets Starfleet apart from a dodgeball league. Mike13: What does a Vulcan cash register sound like? Tom13: I dunno. Mike13: T'Pring! Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaan-boy! Mike13: Oh, lay off, will ya? >> As Ross concluded his remarks, Marrissa Amber Picard entered the >> bay. Tom03: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Marrissa! Crow03: [singing] Heeeeeeere she comes, Miss Amberpicard.... Crow06: Until then, she had been sitting on the dock watching the tide roll away. >> Noticing her Ross Crow12: Hey, nice Ross! >> announced, Tom10: [as psychiatrist ] I see ... and does your Ross announce things often? >> "Now here is your commanding officer, >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard." Mike05: [as Ross] ALL KNEEL! [hushed whisper] Avert your eyes! Tom06: [as Ross] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd! I'm going to bring out your headliner now.... >> As he moved to leave, he >> whispered in Marrissa's ear, Mike10: [as Ross] Don't mind the weapons, they only *look* like they're set on kill. >> "I got them ready for you, enjoy." Crow08: AAAAHHH! NOOOOO! Mike08: Why did we have to see that?! Tom08: Oh, come on... he couldn't possibly have meant... Gaaaah! Crow11: [as Marrissa] Oh, I will! Mike06: [as Marrissa] Mmmm... they look ready all right! Now hand me that strawberry-scented body oil.... >> "Fellow pilots," she began. Tom14: [as Marrissa] Friends, Cardassians, Federationmen, lend me your ears.... Tom06: [as Marrissa] My fellow pilots... tonight we come to a turning point in our great nation's history.... >> "As Ross has no doubt informed you, Mike08: [as Marrissa] I'm a control freak. Crow09: [as Marrissa] You're all doomed to die horrible deaths at my hands. Have a nice day. >> I am the fighter commander on this vessel. I am also the second officer >> as well. Tom05: [as Marrissa] Furthermore, I am also the chairperson of the Department of Redundancy Department, as well, I might add. Crow08: [as Marrissa] And I like strawberries. Tom10: [as Marrissa] Also, I have written five episodes of Star Trek: Voyager. Mike12: [as Marrissa] By the end of the chapter I'll most likely be God as well. >> Since I have the honor of serving as fighter commander, it is >> my duty to organize this department and provide a chain of command. A Mike08: [as Marrissa] ...proper officer would already have taken care of this, but I figure I'll just wing it. Crow10: [as Marrissa] First, me. Then, my cat. Then, my teddy bear. Then, Paul Gross. Wouldn't he be the perfect lead for a new "Superman" movie? >> full chain of command in the department will take awhile but organizing >> it will not. Mike14: Huh? Crow08: uhhhhh... Mike08: Try not to think about it. Tom09: Got it? Crow09: Got it. Tom13: Right! Ah... huh? Crow13: Once you've organized it, it's pretty much there, right? Mike13: Pretty much. Crow10: They're going to organize a chain of command quickly, but not let anyone know about it. >> After I have dismissed you, you will find your wing and >> quarters assignment on the wing status display board on the right side >> wall as you exit the bay toward engineering. Mike12: In the upper left hand corner of the right side of the bottom half of the wall. Crow07: Then you go left at the third stoplight.... Tom04: [as Crewman] Whoa! Lemme write this down. Tom10: Apparently they've lost their email capabilities in the 24th century. >> I am now also prepared to Tom08: [as Marrissa] Kill anyone who defies me. >> announce your wing commanders. Crow13: [as Marrissa] But I'm not going to actually do it. Ha ha ha ha ha! I love being in command! >> This is based on those tests you all >> took in the past couple days. Crow14: *Some* of which were actual piloting tests. Tom11: [as Marrissa] By the way, Lockard, this says you're pregnant. Mike09: See, and you thought you'd never use that course in Linear Algebra after 9th grade. Crow09: In Marrissa's department, I'll bet most of them are *in* 9th grade. >> Red wing, Lieutenant junior grade >> Katherine Lockard, Mike07: Nepotism, boo! Tom07: Hey, how else could Marrissa go so far so fast? >> Blue wing, Lieutenant junior grade Matthew Grubb, >> Green wing, Mike10: Get the feeling Ratliff is saying "Hi" to all his friends here? Tom10: Yup. >> Lieutenant junior grade Tibek, Black wing, Dar Dukat Mikor, Mike08: Pink wing, Lieutenant Goo Goo GooJoob. Tom08: Plaid wing, Lieutenant Junior Grade Klaatu Barada Nikto. Crow08: Mauve wing, Nick Danger. >> Brown wing, Assist Dar Ekat, Crow07: Geez, he's just throwing out random syllables again. >> Orange wing, Assit Dar Davek, Crow09: [Dalek voice] WE WILL EXTERMINATE THE MAQUIS! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! Tom02: Doesn't Dar Davek get to assist? Mike10: These have got to be anagrams, but of what? >> and last but >> not least Mike08: Our special guest star... Tom08: CHARO! Crow08: Ohhhh, I wish.... >> our combined wing, Yellow, Lieutenant junior grade Tanis >> Solar. Tom13: Tanis, anyone? Heh heh heh. Crow08: Tanis Lunar couldn't make it, evidently. Mike09: Otherwise known as the "File and Forget" Gang. Crow10: I can get "Saint Raslo" out of that name.... Tom05: Oh, God, why do I have the horrible feeling that we'll hear this roster citation about fifty more times in this fanfic? >> Please report to the conference lounge on deck 7 at 1100 hours, >> tomorrow. That is the Wing Debriefing Room, so please make sure you >> know where it is." Tom14: [as Marrissa] Wandering about aimlessly will not be tolerated. Crow14: Well, *that* was a stirring speech. Mike08: [as Marrissa] Look at a map or something. I don't have time to lead you all around by the noses. Tom08: [as Marrissa] And please bring your briefs this time. Crow08: Heyyyyy! Mike, you'd have given me a time-out for that one. Mike08: I would have, wouldn't I? Crow13: Nothing concludes a briefing quite like some patronizing, eh? >> >> Twelve-year-old Kerstin Szustakowski Tom08: It just szustakowski that you're gonna have more child officers in a Ratliff story. [chuckles] Mike08: Now for THAT, you get a time-out, mister! Tom08: Awww.... Mike10: [singing to "Good 'n Plenty" jingle] Once upon a time there was an engineer. Kerstin Szustakowski was her name, we hear. Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski. >> was in class when it all >> began on the Roanoke. Mike06: Fortunately for Kerstin, her class was on a planet nowhere near the Roanoke.... Tom13: Anybody notice that Ratliff has a thing for the Roanoke? Mike13: Well, that could be because he's *from* Roanoke. Crow13: Where *is* Roanoke, anyway? Mike13: Well, it's not the middle of nowhere, but you can see it from there. Bots13: OhhhHHHHhhh. Huh?? >> First the ship went to Yellow Alert. Then the >> ship shook and went to Red Alert. Mike08: Then the ship did the Hokey-Pokey and turned itself around. Tom13: Then the ship shook some more and went to Purple Alert. Then the ship shook some more and went to Chartreuse Alert. Then the ship shook some more.... Mike13: We get it, Tom; we get it. >> Finally her teacher collapsed. Tom06: Then the ship exploded? Mike06: No such luck.... Crow08: I know just how she feels. Mike11: Spending any prolonged period of time together with annoying kid genuises does tend to have that effect on people. Crow03: [as if nearing mental breakdown] I give up! I can't remember who's in which wing either! Tom10: She'd gone insane and had been teaching for 97 hours straight without food, drink or rest. Police moved in to free the hostages. Tom09: Structural stress? Mike09: Ah, they just don't build teachers like they used to. Crow13: Class dismissed! [All13 cheer and start throwing paper airplanes and spitballs at each other.] Tom04: Hats off to Ratliff, the master of suspense. Could we have a budding Tom Clancy in our midst? Crow04: The short answer is "no." >> As the rest of her class was sitting there shocked at the >> teacher's collapse, only Kerstin could take the initiative. Mike08: Because nobody else had any lines. Crow02: She's another Marrissa clone, I tell you. Mike10: No, I can't say any class I've ever heard of would ever have trouble with the teacher passing out. Crow09: C'mon, kids, let's PARTY OUR EYEBALLS OUT!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!! >> "Classroom >> Two to Sickbay, Medical Emergency," she said. There was no response. Crow08: Sickbay was depressed and didn't feel like speaking to anyone just then. >> "Medical Emergency in Classroom Two." Still no response. "Kerstin to >> Engineering." No Response. "Kerstin to the Bridge." No Response. Mike08: Kerstin to Evers. Tom08: Evers here. Mike08: Relay message from Tinker to Chance. Tom08: Roger that. Tinker to Evers to Chance... come in please. >> "Computer, crew status, authorization Kerstin Alpha Five Four Oh Kids." Crow12: You've *got* to be kidding me. Crow08: Oh, you crazy kids. Tom13: Oh Kids, those crazy kids. Tom09: Oh Kids These Days With The Hair And The Music. >> "Adult crew out of commission due to Crow13: Gaping plot hole. >> unknown compound in >> ventilation," the Computer responded. Mike07: [as computer] But whatever it is, it has a creamy nougat center. Tom03: So, all the adults are conked out but the kids are still awake? Crow03: Heaven help us! Mike03: Kinda like "Village of the Damned"... except it's not any good. Crow11: I don't know about you, but I would have made a gas that would take out everyone except the beautiful blondes instead. >> "Activating Kid's Crew, Kerstin >> Szustakowski now in command. Crow06: [as computer] And here I thought the situation couldn't get any worse.... Crow09: Isn't it amazing how many forces in the known galaxy will knock out or incapacitate everyone on board as long as they're OVER EIGHTEEN?!? >> Intruder alert, on the Bridge." >> "Transfer command to Classroom two, lock down the bridge Tom10: And open up the bar! >> and >> change all command codes to settings in file Mike13: /dev/null >> KidsCrew/Operation/Codes/Kerstin," the eleven year old girl ordered. Crow13: That's right folks, 400 years later, we're still saddled with UNIX. Tom03: No no no, they've changed the configuration; you need to move it to /home/www/users/kidscrew/operation/codes/kerstin.html. Crow10: It's a good thing they keep their critically sensitive files under directories and names that anyone could guess. Tom06: [as computer] Sorry, those settings have been sent to /dev/null. Crow06: Why couldn't this story have been sent there too? Mike07: [as Kerstin] Oh, and change all the water fountains over to Hawaiian Punch. Mike09: Hey, she was 12 just a few seconds ago! Tom09: Coming soon --- "The Infant's Crew," from Stephen Ratliff. Mike09: Servo, hush! You'll give him ideas. Tom11: Wasn't she 12 a few paragraphs ago? Mike11: I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for a reenactment of "The Master Builders." >> "Seal all sections that Intruders occupy with force fields." Crow04: Personally, if I was one of those intruders, I'd occupy the ship with soldiers. Tom04: Matter of taste. Crow08: [as Kerstin] And on a more personal note, seal my quarters with whipped cream. >> "Unable to comply, system disabled," was the computer's >> response. Crow11: Hey! It prefers to be called "functionally challenged"! Tom10: They never should have put Internet Explorer on their systems. Mike03: Even in the future, nothing works. Mike08: [as computer] Unable to comply. Story has ground to a halt. Crow08: You mean it's started? >> "Great," was Kerstin's reply, as she tapped her combadge. Crow03: [as Kerstin] This fits right in with my fiendishly evil plan. Mwahahahaha. >> "All >> Kid's Crew members report to Classroom Two. Mike09: [as Kerstin] Condition Red! I forgot my notes, and the social studies test is *TODAY*!! Mike10: Should someone tell Kerstin that she's in Classroom Nine? >> Computer, their is >> decompression problems Tom14: ...in the grammar! Tom07: "Their is problems?" So, the editor had a pretty easy time here, huh? >> on the bridge and the other areas the Intruders >> occupy, lower bulkheads." Crow04: [as computer] Unable to parse due to improper use of possessive case. Please restate using something resembling grammar. Mike04: Majel's getting crotchety. Tom04: Most people her age are content just to crochet. >> "No pressure drop located." Crow14: [as Kerstin] Truuuuuuuust me. Mike11: [as Kerstin] Pretty please with sugar on top? Crow08: You can't have pressure in a vacuum. Mike08: And this story is definitely a vacuum because... Tom08: It just sucks. Tom13: [as Kerstin] No, really, there is a *pressure* *drop*. Crow13: [as computer] I don't see any pressure drop. Tom13: [as Kerstin] Oh, just drop the %$#! bulkheads! Mike13: Wow, how'd you do *that*? Tom13: I don't know, and I think I hurt something. Crow13: [as computer] Could not locate %$#! bulkheads. [normal] Ow. You're right; that *does* hurt. >> "There is a sensor malfunction, lower bulkheads, authorization >> Kerstin Alpha Four Oh Five Beta Princess." Mike08: You mean even malfunctions have to be authorized? Marrissa IS a control freak! Tom02: What? Kerstin's access code has changed already? Mike02: Well, over the shows, the command crew had different codes each time. Tom02: But they didn't change in one scene! Tom04: [announcer voice] Once a Beta Princess, now a VHS head cleaner. See it