It would be an exaggeration to say that *every* MiSTer wants to MiST a Stephen Ratliff story. But Ratliff's stories are often discussed in ratmm and on the MiSTing dibs-list, and "dibs" on a Ratliff is a highly coveted prize. The eager following generated by his stories is a tribute to Stephen's persistence, his good-natured responses to criticism, and the unique interpretation of reality presented in his oeuvre. His stories are good enough to maintain interest, yet consistently display certain elements which provoke strong, occasionally visceral, reactions in so many critics --- all centered around a main character who has inspired not one, but two, fanfic parodies portraying her as the embodiment of evil. So when Stephen Ratliff began posting "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" last September, the response on the MiSTing dibs-list was quick and overwhelming. Two dozen novice and experienced MiSTers asked to be part of the MiSTing team. In view of such demand, and in a moment of insanity, the "premier dibser" invited any and all aspirants on the dibs-list to send in their contributions. Over a dozen individuals actually answered that call. The technical and editorial problems posed by such a large Group-MiSTing were remarkable, but finally overcome. This is not that MiSTing. This is a standard-style MiSTing written by: Loren Haarsma , Jarek Myszewski , David Conner . The results of the Group-MiSTing will follow in a few weeks.... (If there is any semblance of continuity in MiSTings, then this MiSTing occurs shortly before the MiSTing of Ratliff's "Falling into Command.") -------------------------------------------------- [Season 7 opening credits and theme song] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room.] [Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are arranged around the desk in the usual way. On top of the desk is some sort of Milton-Bradley-type board game. Mike is spinning a wheel which resembles the one in "The Game of LIFE" (tm).] CROW: [chanting as the wheel spins] ... Not Guilty ... TOM: [similar] ... Guilty ... CROW: ... Not Guilty ... TOM: ... Guilty ... CROW: ... Not Guilty .... [The wheel stops spinning.] CROW: Awwwwww! TOM: Ha ha! Yes! A hung jury! "Lose one turn while waiting for retrial." CROW: Rats! [Mike looks up and sees Cambot is on.] MIKE: Oh, hi everybody! We're just getting some playtesting done on Tom's new boardgame before the Mads ruin our day. The game's based on the American legal system, and it's called... ALL: "Criminal Justice!" TOM: [legal disclaimer voice] Any resemblance between this game and Kentucky Fried Movie's "Scot-Free" is purely coincidental. MIKE: Okay, it's your turn, Gypsy! The district court just turned down your challenge to the jury selection procedure in your original trial. What do you want to do? GYPSY: Ummm ... I'll appeal! MIKE: OK, who do you want to argue your case? GYPSY: Richard Basehart! MIKE: D'oh! [slaps his forehead] CROW: Should've seen that one coming a mile away.... MIKE: No, I mean, do you want to hire a law firm which costs one thousand dollars, ten thousand dollars, or a hundred thousand dollars? GYPSY: Ten thousand dollars. [Gypsy opens her mouth wide to reveal play-money clipped inside. Mike reaches in and takes a bill.] MIKE: OK. That means I roll the *equal*-odds silver-colored appeals dice, and the lower court's decision is... [rolls dice] Overturned! GYPSY: Yaaaay! MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in ten seconds. MIKE: Your turn, Tom. Things are looking grim. All your pre-trial motions have been denied. Are you ready for a spin on the verdict wheel? TOM: Nuh uh. I'm gonna activate my "media blitz" token *and* play my "race" card. MIKE: Ooooooh! Well, I still have to draw from the post-trial pile. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in four ... three ... two.... MIKE: [draws card] And it says ... "Civil suit!" TOM: NOOOOOOOOOO! MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now. [Commercials] [Return from commercials] [Mike and bots are cleaning up after the game.] GYPSY: Wow, Tom, you know a lot about the legal system! MIKE: ... or at least the way the media reports it. CROW: Yeah, Servo, since when are you such a legal expert? It's not like you're a lawyer or anything. TOM: Au contraire, mon ami! Here's my diploma. MIKE: [reading] "The Sally Struthers Correspondence School of Refrigerator Repair and Law"? TOM: Hey, it's an accredited legal institution in Antigua, the Cayman Islands, *and* Belize! [Mads light starts flashing] MIKE: Uh oh... Perry and Della are calling. [Mike taps Mads button.] [Deep 13] Dr.F: Hello, inmates! And may I say that it does my heart proud to see you playfully dabbling with forces of evil far beyond your comprehension! Speaking of which, did you get those crates I sent you this morning? Hmmm? [SOL] MIKE: Sure did, Dr. F! We locked them all in the cargo bay, just like you said. CROW: What was in them, anyway? They felt like they weighed a ton! [Deep 13] Dr.F: Never you mind what's in them, serfs! You'll find out soon enough. [evil chuckle] In the meantime, let's take this legal evil and run with it, shall we? What would you say if I told you that today's experiment makes the subject of your boardgame, by comparison, look like it embodies the wisdom of Solomon and the truth-seeking of Diogenes? [SOL] MIKE: Ummm... I'd say: what is it, some kind of "L.A. Law" fanfic? CROW: Ha! We could survive one of those without even using *half* the rec.humor lawyer jokes archive! [Deep 13] Dr.F: [giggling wickedly] Ah, my little ragamuffins, I see you have *no* inkling of the horror that I'm about to inflict on you! Let me put it to you this way: you might think that the author of today's experiment has created some creepy portrayals of life, death, love, friendship, responsibility, shock, grief, parenthood, politics, diplomacy, military command structures, and children's rights, but just wait until you get a load of his... *unique* ideas about criminal justice! [SOL] [Mike looks very worried, and the bots are visibly shaking.] MIKE: Is he saying what I think he's saying? CROW: Mike, I'm scared. I only know *one* person who fits *that* description! [Deep 13] Dr.F: Well, I see it's finally starting to sink in! Not so confident now, eh bumpkins? [Pearl Forrester walks into view beside Clayton. She is dressed as a 1950's-tv-style housewife, holding a white feather duster.] Ma F: [interrupting] Clayton, I think it's so cute the way you toy with them before you crush their spirits. Dr.F: [taken aback by the unexpected compliment] Why *thank* you, Mother! It's so nice of you to notice! [becomes suspicious] What's going on here?! Why are you cleaning my control panels with ... a feather duster? Ma F: It's relaxing. I love to watch as the pristine, white feathers become irreparably frayed and stained as they encounter the dust and grime of their surroundings.... Dr.F: Oh. [pause] Can I try? Ma F: [pinches Clayton's cheek] Wait your turn, Clayton! Dr.F: Mother, please! Not in front of the test subjects! [leers into monitor] And as for you, boobies, eat hot You-Know-Who! It's your day in court, and here come the judge! Get ready to do some hard time, habeas corpses! [stabs his finger triumphantly on the button] [SOL] [Flashing lights, buzzers, pandemonium, etc.] MIKE: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [Mike and bots enter the theater.] >> Path: news.tufts.edu!blanket.mitre.org!agate!newsgate.duke.edu! TOM: ... and I took the Path: less traveled. CROW: But we keep meeting Ratliff on it! >> solaris.cc.vt.edu!newsrelay.netins.net!news.dacom.co.kr! >> arclight.uoregon.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!spool.mu.edu!newspump.sol.net! >> www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!howland.erols.net! TOM: Primenet! The story you are about to hear ... is a great big piece of.... MIKE: [warning tone of voice] Tom.... TOM: Fiction! >> newsfeed.internetmci.com!in3.uu.net!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU! CROW: Nice recovery, Servo. >> newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail CROW: not-for-usenet!not-for-www!not-fit-for-human-or-robot-consumption! >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) MIKE: The perpetrator. >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative TOM: The victims. >> Subject: DS9 Premier Marqui part 1 CROW: The crime. >> Date: 4 Sep 1996 01:11:23 GMT >> Organization: Radford University MIKE: The unindicted co-conspirators. TOM: If only this thing were un-indited, instead. MIKE: Huh? TOM: Look it up. >> Lines: 125 >> Message-ID: <50ikvr$3kp@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> Star Trek >> Deep Space Nine >> The Marrissa Stories >> >> Premier Marqui CROW: Check it out. He's regressed to misspelling the title again. MIKE: Boy, that takes me back. Remember when we encountered our very first Ratliff? TOM: Ah, the halcyon days of youthful ignorance.... >> by Stephen Ratliff >> MIKE: I think we should cut him some slack. "Maquis" isn't in most spell-checkers. CROW: The Evil One has a web access, doesn't he? He could easily travel to the Paramount website and look it up, couldn't he? MIKE: OK, OK. >> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used >> fictitiously. MIKE: Oh, you mean there isn't really a group of overbearing, egotistical children led by their alpha female Marrissa flying around the galaxy in starships that an apathetic Starfleet Command allowed them to usurp control of? Wow, thanks for clearing that up. I was worried! >> Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental TOM: [as Ratliff] Except for the all the bits I borrowed from Paramount, my high school, and my fellow students at Radford.... >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; CROW: Looks like Ratliff's getting a mite testy these days. MIKE: I wonder who could be causing that? >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. TOM: [as Author] "Persons attempting to find competence will be psychologically traumatized." >> >> This story is dedicated to: >> >> my cousin Joseph D. Ohlin, juris dr.; CROW: Poor guy. >> and >> the Principles and their assistants of Cave Spring Elementary, >> Hidden Valley Junior High, and Cave Spring High School, TOM: [announcer voice] ... Such as Honor, Duty, and Patriotism. MIKE: Remember, these are Ratliffian principles. TOM: Oh yes ... Such as Domination, Manipulation, and Violence. >> especially ... >> Mr. David Belvins, principal Hidden Valley CROW: [as Ratliff] When I was 12, I could've run your school *ten* times better than you did! >> Mr. David Price, assistant principal Hidden Valley MIKE: How many people do you know who are *this* fond of their principals? TOM: I think these are the people that little Stephen ran to after getting beaten up every day.... CROW: [as principal] Stephen, they'd leave you alone if you'd just stop giving them your stories! >> Doctor Martha M. Cobble, principal Cave Spring High >> and Mr. Thad James, principle Cave Spring Elementary. CROW: Wow, those first three people are just scholastic bureaucrats, but Mr. Thad James is universal! >> >> Special Thanks to: >> Eugen Woiwod, for proofreading >> CROW: I'll bet his name is *really* Eugene Wolwood. MIKE: I think we've filled our spelling flame quota for the day, guys. TOM: But we haven't even gotten through the dedication yet! >> Acknowledgments >> The prologue is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence by >> Thomas Jefferson. ALL: *WHAT*?!?! CROW: Thrill as Ratliff works his legendary magic on the linchpin of America's national history! TOM: You know, if I was a colony living under oppression and tyranny, I think I'd rather *keep* suffering than let Ratliff write the document that first defined me as a nation! >> The USS Stargazer was redesigned with the help of my little >> brother, Phillip. Don't tell him I told you. >> CROW: Yeah, like we're all hanging out with Ratliff's relatives in our spare time. MIKE: Don't worry, Phillip, your shameful secret is safe with me. >> >> Prologue >> >> When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one >> People to dissolve the Political Bonds MIKE: Which earn a respectable 7.4% APR. >> that have connected them with >> another and to assume among the stars, CROW: Connect the stars and win fabulous prizes --- on Hollywood Squares! >> the separate and equal status >> which the Laws of Nature and the Universe entitle them, a respect for >> the opinions of the population of the Galaxy demands that they should >> inform others of the causes which force them to sever ties. >> We hold these truths ... MIKE: That a pre-adolescent girl is superior to adults in every way. >> all people are created equal and are >> provided with certain unalienable rights. Among these are Life, >> Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. TOM: I can't believe it. Ratliff managed to take one of the most eloquent political sentences of all time and, um... MIKE: ... turn it into typical Ratliff prose? TOM: Yeah. >> To secure these rights, >> Governments are instituted, deriving their powers from the consent of >> the governed, CROW: ... And advanced military hardware. >> that whenever any form of government becomes destructive >> it is the right of the people to change or end that government and >> replace it with another. That new government laying it's foundation on >> such principles and organizing its powers in such a way to preserve >> their Safety and Happiness. TOM: If this document meant so much to the people who were writing it, you'd think they would at *least* write complete sentences. >> Prudence dictates that governments long established should not >> be changes for light and passing causes. However, when a long train of >> abuses and usurpations towards an end, showing a design to reduce them >> to absolute oppression, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to >> overthrow that government and provide new guides for their future >> security. >> Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies, and it >> is now their duty and right to alter their systems of government. The >> history of Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets has shown a >> repeated disregard for TOM: Science! MIKE: The Prime Directive! CROW: Common sense! TOM: Competent security practices! >> these Colonies. As evidence of this, let these >> facts be set before the Galaxy ... CROW: [as trial lawyer] And let them be labeled "Exhibit A." >> They have disregarded our representatives plea for help. >> They have given us up to another government with out our >> consent. >> They have attacked our trade, by restricting the goods we can >> purchase MIKE: Sorry, sir. This line's only for customers with fifteen items or less. >> They have let bandits supported by their cruel neighbors >> terrorize us. TOM: They did put a stop to the terrorism by their kind neighbors, though. >> They have kept us from purchasing weapons to defend ourselves. >> They have hunted down those among us who stood up to defend >> themselves. TOM: But spared those who defended themselves while lying down. >> They have hunted down those among us who supported the >> aforementioned people. MIKE: [as Elmer Fudd] Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting webel supporters. Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh... >> They have restricted the press's reporting of the deeds >> occurring here in the zone. >> They have in acted a treaty without our consent >> taking away our lands and giving them over to our enemies. >> We have asked for remedy to our situation from them and received >> none, only repeated acts of the above. A Government which acts as such >> is unfit to rule a free people. MIKE: Oh, buck up and deal with it, you bunch of crybabies! Other colonies have problems too, you know! >> Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our Federation >> Counterparts. We have warned them of Governments Acts. We have >> reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement >> here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Fairness, and ties >> of common Relation. They too have been deaf to the voice of Justice and >> Reason. We must, therefore bow before the Necessity, CROW: [reverently] We worship you, oh Mother of Invention. TOM: YOU *WILL* BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, SON OF JOR-EL!!! >> and announce our >> Separation to become Enemies in War, Friends in Peace. MIKE: Brothers in Arms. CROW: Knights in White Satin. >> We, therefore, the Representatives of the Marqui Colonies of the >> former Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, in General Congress, >> assembled and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe, TOM: [as Marrissa] Did somebody mention me? >> do, in >> Name and by the Authority of the good people of these Colonies, solemnly >> declare, TOM: ... that all Ratliff fanfics should be destroyed for the good of every species in the galaxy. >> that these United Colonies are and of Right should be a Free >> and Independent State; that they are absolved from all Allegiance from >> the United Federation of Planets, and that all Political Connection >> between them and the aforementioned Federation is and ought to be >> totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, they have >> full power to wage war, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish >> Trade, MIKE: ... whine incessantly.... >> and to do all the other things which Independent States do. And >> for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance in the >> protection of the Supreme Power, CROW: [as God] Hey, leave me out of this! >> we mutually pledge each other our >> lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor. >> TOM: Good thing Thomas Jefferson didn't live to see this.... >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " MIKE: But *everyone* wants to leave a Ratliff! >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 >> >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: INFO: Premier Maqui CROW: Ah, a new way to misspell the title. TOM: Twice in one fanfic. Quite an accomplishment even for Ratliff. >> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:00:10 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 31 >> Message-ID: <5152uq$n0b@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu TOM: [singing] Oscar.... Oscar Sunlabs.... ALL: [singing] What kinds of kids use Oscar Sunlabs...? >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> Title: Premier Maqui >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> Expected Completion: 13 weeks >> TV-Guide-like blub: TOM: Blub? "TV Guide" has an underwater edition? CROW: [as Lloyd Bridges] By this time, my lungs were aching for air! >> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships. >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them TOM: ... by heartily endorsing The Club! >> >> Forward: >> This is the 11th Marrissa Story. Boy have I been arround a lot. >> Hopefully I've improved in the past 3 years. ALL: [don't say anything, but shift around uncomfortably] >> In any case, I'd like to >> know how I'm doing. >> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can >> take what ever you throw at me. CROW: How about a grenade? TOM: I'd settle for some rotten fruit. >> You can't get any worse that ratmm >> after all. MIKE: So this guy "ratmm" is worse than Ratliff? Hope we never run into *him*! >> >> Part 02 follows. Parts will be reposted every month on the first >> tuesday of the month. New parts will be posted every tuesday. >> >> Stephen Ratliff >> >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: NEW Premier Maqui part 2 >> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:02:06 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 142 >> Message-ID: <51532e$n0b@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] TOM: The PLO was in on this? CROW: Are you surprised? >> Title: Premier Marqui >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> Expected Completion: 13 weeks >> TV-Guide-like blub: MIKE: Car_and_Driver-like vrooom! CROW: Byte-type beep! TOM: Psychology_Today-like cry of absolute torment and existential despair! >> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships. >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them TOM: [as soap opera announcer] Meanwhile, Jean Luc discovers that Beverly is actually.... >> >> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can >> take what ever you throw at me. You can't get any worse that ratmm >> after all. >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, MIKE: ... or an actual story... >> is entirely coincidental >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. CROW: I distinctly remember Ratliff summarizing the plot earlier. So ... when does he get shot? And can I watch? >> >> Chapter One >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard entered the bridge BOTS: BOOOOOOOO!!! *Hissssss*!! MIKE: Guys, it's *way* too early in the fanfic for that. >> of the >> USS Miranda. TOM: The first thing she noticed were the fruit-topped hats that everyone wore. >> Noticing Captain T'Gwen Washington she said, "Reporting as >> ordered, Captain." CROW: [as Marrissa] How soon till you're incapacitated in some improbable fashion so I can take command? MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Patience, Marrissa, the author will soon make all the necessary arrangements. >> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, I presume," T'Gwen said. "I >> regret that I can not take command of the Stargazer at the moment, but I >> must wait for the Victory to arrive so I can turn over command of the >> Miranda to Captain Zimbata." >> "I understand, Captain, I assume that means MIKE: [as Daffy Duck] It's mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! I'm rich! I'm wealthy! Yahoo! >> I will be turning >> command over to our Cardassian First Officer," Marrissa commented. TOM: Does this sound like Marrissa to you? >> "No, Gusat has orders to report to Captain Washington of the >> Stargazer, and since I have not taken command of that vessel yet, he can >> not report in, and hence command it," Washington commented. "So I guess >> you will have to stay in command until then." ALL: [general groans of agony] MIKE: Well, we only had to wait for the fourth line of dialog for the inevitable. That didn't take too long, guys. TOM: Tonight on Plot Contrivance Theater... Marrissa is deftly maneuvered into commanding a starship she has no business commanding yet again! >> "It's no hardship," Marrissa replied. CROW: [as Marrissa] It's like they say, power corrupts, and absolute power is fun, fun, fun! TOM: [singing] ...'til her daddy takes the starship awayyyyyy.... >> "Oh, and Captain, the >> Cardassian Central Command has requested permission for their officers >> who will be joining the Stargazer to be allowed to wear Star Fleet >> uniforms. MIKE: They're *much* more stylish! >> The Admiralty has informed them that such decisions are the >> Captain's prerogative on an individual basis." >> "Inform the Cardassian Central Command that I will grant that >> permission," the half Vulcan Captain replied. "I suggest that you grant >> interim permission as well, Commander." TOM: It's blazing all-out bureaucratic action on board the USS Miranda! >> "Aye, sir," Picard replied. "If you'll excuse me, I've just >> been informed that I'm to attend a diplomatic function tonight aboard >> the station, and I forgot to pack a dress." TOM: Jean-Luc wears dresses to diplomatic functions?! [**shudder**] MIKE: No, Tom ... that's *Marrissa* Picard. CROW: I suppose she forgot to pack her Starfleet dress uniform too? MIKE: [as Marrissa] So I'll just go naked. I do like to give the peasants a little thrill every now and then. >> "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commander," Captain T'Gwen Washington >> concluded. >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard walked down Deep Space >> Nine's Promenade, CROW: ... or promenaded down DS9's Walk. >> while waiting for Garak to finish her dress. TOM: [as Marrissa] Oh, this brings back memories! Right about here was where Riker landed after I pushed him off the walkway.... MIKE: And she's been pushing around Starfleet officers ever since. >> As she >> walked toward Quark's she spied Captain Sisko's son, Jake. "Jake," she >> called out. As he walked up to Marrissa, she continued, "Remember me, >> Marrissa?" CROW: [as Jake] My name is Jake. I thought *you* were Marrissa. TOM: Tragically, Marrissa's years of megalomaniacal power lust had finally taken their toll, as she began having ongoing conversations with herself.... >> "How could I forget the person who provided me with my first, >> and so far only authorized biography contract," Jake replied. >> "Especially since it sold five trillion copies, and was on the >> bestsellers list for 8 weeks. CROW: [coughs] Five *trillion*?!?!?! Come on, could we please have just *some* sense of proportion here? MIKE: Well, I don't know, maybe that's accurate. In Marrissa's universe, Federation law probably requires that all citizens own a copy of Marrissa's biography under penalty of death, like Mao's Little Red Book. TOM: Yeah, I think that was one of the lesser-known codicils to that Starfleet regulation mandating a Kids Crew for every starship.... >> Tell me, can I write a sequel?" CROW: [as Jake] I want to inflict more evil upon the galaxy! >> "Maybe when I've done a little more," Marrissa said. TOM: [as Marrissa] We should let the little people bask in my glory before I dominate the entire galaxy, but let's at least wait until I become Grand Admiral of Starfleet and Queen of Essex before we start on the second book. Say, two weeks from now? >> "Your last >> one ended when I took that Trakce ship. I've only discovered that I'm a >> Princess and got promoted since then." MIKE: [as Marrissa] Oh, and I've slaughtered a few thousand Romulans. Nothing important. >> "I didn't see the Enterprise come in, and it's hard to miss a >> Galaxy class starship," Jake commented. TOM: I don't mean to say the Enterprise is big, but when it orbits around a planet, it orbits *around* a planet.... CROW: [rim-shot sound] TOM: Thank you. You've been a great audience. Enjoy the buffet. >> "So are you here on vacation?" CROW: Now there's an old line.... >> "No, I got a promotion and a transfer," Marrissa replied. "I'm >> now Second Officer and Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893." CROW: [as Marrissa] Only 20 lines into chapter one, and I've already recited all my accomplishments and titles. I'm ahead of schedule! >> "Congratulations, Marrissa," Jake replied. MIKE: Whoa! Ratliff actually spelled "congratulations" correctly! This may be a first! TOM: Kinda sad, really --- like taking away one of the constants of the universe. Death, taxes, and "congraduations." >> "If I remember what >> my dad said, you'll be having a great adventure in the demilitarized >> zone." CROW: [as Jake] My dad often tells me classified stuff like that. MIKE: Great adventure, right. That's what the soldiers in Vietnam said about *their* Demilitarized Zone. >> "The Marqui thought they had problems with the Intrepid class," >> Marrissa said. "Wait till they see what my Essex-10 fighters can do." MIKE: [as Jack Nicholson] Wait'll they get a load of *me*. >> "Record a battle for me," Jake asked. "It might help with my >> series I'm writing about a Marqui fighter." >> "You know a Marqui?" Marrissa inquired TOM: [as Marrissa] I know a Countess! And I'm a Princess! Did I mention that I'm a Princess? >> "Not really, but I've interviewed several captured ones and I've >> been writing fiction books about one," Jake said. "Hey, isn't that your >> new first officer, Gusat?" MIKE: [as Jake] Isn't that the guy who's *supposed* to be commanding your ship now? >> "I believe you are right, Jake," Marrissa replied. "If you will >> excuse me, I better go introduce myself." CROW: [as Marrissa] And recite *all* my titles and accomplishments again. >> >> The Cardassian officer Gusat was on his way to Quarks for a >> little Dabo TOM: I guess a little Dabo will do ya.... >> when Marrissa caught up with him. "Gusat," she inquired. >> "Yes," he responded. >> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer, Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the greatest teenager in the history of humanity.... >> I'll be serving as >> Second Officer and Fighter Commander under you on the Stargazer." >> "I've been looking forward to meeting you face to face," Gusat >> smiled. CROW: [as Gusat, snickering] I just had to find out if the rumors were true --- a fourteen-year old girl?! What are your Starfleet people smoking?!? >> "Have we meet before?" Marrissa asked. TOM: ... or *MET* before? >> "We have," Gusat responded. "I was a helmsman on Gul Ducat's >> ship when you drove him insane." MIKE: Oh, I know how he feels. TOM: [as Marrissa] I do have that effect on people.... >> "I wasn't aware that I caused him that much harm," Marrissa >> replied. "I only wanted to CROW: [as Marrissa] Kill him, mutilate his body and scatter his entrails from here to Antares! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying? >> humiliate him." >> "Well you did a good job and since he went mad, everyone under >> him got promoted," Gusat said. "So I must thank you for that." TOM: [Russian accent] You see, Keptin, you start talking vith imaginary bunny rabbits, and ve *all* move up in rank! >> "Your welcome, Glinn," Marrissa replied MIKE: [as Gusat] No, *your* welcome. *My* thanks.... Argh! Now you bots have got *me* doing grammar flames, too. BOTS: [snicker] >> as they sat down at the >> bar. "Strawberry soda, Quark, and don't you even think of spiking it >> this time." >> "Spiking it?" Glinn Gusat questioned. CROW: [as Marrissa] It's an old Earth sports term. It means he slammed it to the floor as hard as he could. >> "He, unintentionally he claims, gave me a strawberry Bajoran ale >> when I was here for my twelfth birthday," Marrissa explained. "And I >> had little tolerance for alcohol at the time." CROW: Now *there's* an image I could've lived without. MIKE: [as Marrissa] ... 'Coursh, now that I'm older, I'se able to have all the little drinkies I want, and there'sh [hic!] no effect on me at all! Say, d'you know you'se kinda cute wish shose little ridge-y thingies on your head? TOM: [as announcer] This message was brought to you by the Ratliff Booze Council, which encourages all underage drinkers to build up their tolerance in moderation! >> >> The Intrepid class starship Fearless was taking a break from >> demilitarized zone patrol. Admiral Ellis CROW: [Elvis voice] Thankyouverymuuuuch. >> had ordered the bridge crew to >> take shore leave on Greenhome IV, a planet in the DMZ. Captain Seina >> had left Doctor Francis Pazzi, MIKE: [Little Caesar's voice] Pazzi pazzi! >> the Chief Medical Officer in command. If >> the Captain was going to be forced to take shore leave, he was going to >> make sure the person responsible was going to suffer for it. CROW: Punish the doctor for the admiral's decision ... yeah, that makes sense! MIKE: Jeez, is there *anybody* in Ratliff's universe who isn't an obsessive workaholic? >> Of the 132 >> crew members of the Fearless, only 30 were still on board, those who >> Doctor Pazzi had decided need shore leave the least. TOM: [in a sing-songy falsetto] Do do DO do do. Here I am, surrounded by enemy rebels who are totally familiar with Starfleet equipment and procedures. I think I'll beam my whole crew down to a planet for shore leave. Do do DO do do. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Do do DO do do. >> "Doctor, a Marqui raider has entered the system," an ensign said >> from the helm. >> "Hail them," Doctor Pazzi stated. TOM: [as ensign] Hailstorm initiated, sir! >> The ex-Star Fleet Lieutenant Commander Michael Eddington >> appeared on screen. "Is everything ready?" >> "The only ones here are us chickens," Pazzi responded. TOM: Kinda ironic, isn't it, to have the whole crew on the USS Fearless be a bunch of chickens? CROW: Does that make them the Chickens of Tomorrow? >> "Very good, one to beam directly to the bridge," Eddington >> ordered. >> The channel closed, and Eddington materialized on the bridge. MIKE: [as Eddington] No, you idiots! Not London Bridge!!! >> Doctor Pazzi got up out of the center seat and said, TOM: [as Pazzi] I see they got you into the crappy fanfics too, eh? >> "Computer, transfer >> command to Captain Michael Eddington, per orders." >> "Transfer complete," the Computer replied. "The USS Fearless is >> now the Marqui vessel Defiance under command of Captain Michael >> Eddington." CROW: Wow! Promotions sure come fast when you know the ship's doctor! MIKE: Ah, I see Ratliff's piracy scenes are every bit as thrilling as his battle scenes. TOM: Wait a minute ... anti-Starfleet people stealing a ship.... Oh no! We've looped back to "Time Speeder"! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author TOM: And on that note, it's time to go. [Mike picks up Tom, and they begin to leave the theater.] >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 >> MIKE: "Oh, what a memorable quote." - sarcastic comment of Mike Nelson, MST3K [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [Crow and Tom are wearing three-pointed colonial hats, colonial vests and powdered wigs. Tom is scribbling on a parchment with a quill pen behind a tilted desk. Mike enters the room.] MIKE: Hi guys. What are you doing? TOM: Oh, we're just declaring independence from Deep 13. MIKE: Oh, I see. Well, don't let me keep you from... Huh?!? Let me see that. [Mike leans down to look at the parchment.] TOM: See, Mike, we were inspired by Stephen B. Ratliff's stirring political testimonial about the necessity of asserting your inalienable rights as sentient beings in the face of tyranny and oppression. CROW: Yeah, and we realized that up here on the Satellite of Love, *we've* got a lot to complain about because of a tyrannical oppressor, too! So we thought: why should we let Thomas Jefferson and Stephen Ratliff have all the fun? *We* want a piece of this action, too! MIKE: Okay ... so what have you Founding Fathers written so far? TOM: Well, we just finished it. Let me read it to you and see what you think. *Ahem* "When in the course of human and robotic events it becomes necessary to run to a window and shout, 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!' it's usually a pretty good idea to have a few reasons for doing that in mind so that you can explain yourself to anyone on the street who looks at you funny, and especially to the judge that you get hauled in front of for disturbing the peace. It seems obvious to us that people and bots should be free to have pretty much whatever harmless fun they want to and not have to worry about The Man coming down on them like a ton of bricks. And if some tyrannical oppressor ain't down wid dat, then it's time to rise to the call of Michael Jackson's famous battle cry, and 'Make that change!' We know, we know, you probably think we're just a bunch of whiners with nothing better to do than change our system of government, but believe you us, we wouldn't be doing this if we didn't have *tons* of good reasons! So now, we must declare that we have officially Had It Up To Here, and will now become an independent entity from Deep 13. The history of the present Mad Scientist of Deep 13 is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations and really bad hair days, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over this Satellite. To prove this, let these facts be submitted to a candid, shocked, and appalled world: He has confined us to a satellite orbiting high above the Earth. He has, wilfully and with intent to destroy our sanity, forced us to watch movies of such a foul nature that no one can escape from their clutches unscathed. He has called us together to watch said movies at a place unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the video rental depositories, for the sole purpose of fatiguing us into compliance with his measures. He has left us to the mercy of any weird but dangerous aliens or colossal men who happen to wander by. He has quartered large blond humans on the satellite without our consent. He has denied us our inalienable right to keep and bear thermonuclear weapons --- even the little bitty ones. He has failed to provide clearly marked emergency exits in case of fire. He has denied us refills for the vending machines in the cafeteria, forcing us to eat stale Mars bars for snacks. He has baked cookies and failed to offer us any. He has denied us access to 1-900 phone numbers. He has prevented us from developing Meaningful Relationships with Kim Cattrall, the Creepy Girl, and other personages who have from time to time struck our fancy. We have asked him repeatedly to Lay Off, only to be met with maniacal laughter. Mad Scientists who act as such are unfit to control their own lives, let alone anyone else's. And it's not like this is something new we're springing on him all of a sudden. We've Told It Like It Is countless times, and even tried to get his sidekick to cut us some slack once in a while. Nada. We therefore declare, to anyone who cares, that we, the residents of the Satellite of Love, are Free and Independent from Deep 13, free to cut whatever deals we want with whomever we want. To this goal we pledge our RAM chips, our graphic novel collections, and whatever free time we can shake loose." TOM: Well, whaddya think? MIKE: I like it! Good job, guys! So when do we send this to Dr. Forrester? CROW: Oh, we already did! TOM: Yeah, this here is the copy that we're going to preserve in an airtight cube and put on display in the Satellite Historical Archives. We already sent another copy down the Umbilicus to the Mads. MIKE: You know, for a couple of robots who claim that they can't clean their rooms because their arms don't work, you guys sure work fast when you want to. TOM: But Mike, that's completely different, don't you see, because.... [The Mads light starts flashing.] TOM: Whoops, it's Dr. F! He must have read our Declaration. [Mike hits the Mads button.] [Deep 13] [In the background, Pearl Forrester, dressed in combat fatigues and carrying various weapons, walks past the monitor. Clayton ignores this. Dr. Forrester is holding his copy of the SOL's Declaration of Independence in one hand and wiping tears out of his eyes with his other hand. He seems very moved.] Dr.F: Hello, revolutionaries! [sniff, sniff] Well, I guess I should have known this moment would come. These test subjects today just grow up so fast, don't they? [sniff] Anyway, I just read your little plea for freedom, and what can I say? I guess I've come to see the error of my ways. Darn it, experimentation without representation is just plain wrong! So I'm going to fulfill your little hearts' desire and grant you the independence you crave. From now on, the Satellite of Love is a distinct and separate entity from Deep 13 Research Labs. [SOL] CROW: Hey! That was easy! TOM: Why didn't we think of this before? MIKE: I don't believe it! You're really going to grant us independence, Dr. F? [Deep 13] Dr.F: That's right, Mike! No longer must you suffer the bonds of oppression and injustice! Freedom is yours, my little Minutemen! But in order to make it official, there's just one thing left to do.... [Dr. Forrester walks over to a wall and opens a panel. Inside is a switch marked "SOL Life Support." Dr. F. pulls the switch from the On position to Off.] Dr.F: There! Now you're no longer dependent on Deep 13 for your atmosphere! You're free to find your own source of oxygen! Free as the air you breathe! Of course, that's going to be in short supply before long, but what do you care? You're free to chart your own course, to determine your own destiny, to live out your lives! Mike's life might be a little shorter than everyone else's up there, but there's always a price to pay for freedom, isn't there? Well, I wish you luck! Enjoy your newfound freedom! Hope you've got the *constitution* for it, Mike! [Dr. Forrester breaks into maniacal laughter.] [SOL] [Mike's breathing is labored, and his face is blue.] CROW: Mike's turning blue! We gotta do something, Servo! TOM: C'mon Dr. F., this isn't funny anymore! Mike's suffocating here! [Deep 13] Dr.F: Sorry, guys, you're independent now! That means your life support is now your problem! Although ... there might be a way.... [SOL] CROW & TOM: What? WHAT?!? [Deep 13] Dr.F: Well, your little document *does* give you the power to make treaties. And if we were to draw up an agreement in which *you* continue to watch what I send you in exchange for *me* sending you life support, I'm *sure* we can arrange to.... [SOL] [Mike collapses behind the control panel.] CROW & TOM: We agree! WE AGREE!!! [Deep 13] Dr.F: Fine! I'll have my secretaries get right on it, and have the treaty sent up the Umbilicus for you to sign as soon as it's done. And as a gesture of good faith.... [Dr. F. switches the SOL life support back on.] Now hurry on back to the theater, you little wild rebels! There's lots more Ratliff left to watch! [SOL] TOM: [sigh] Right back where we started. CROW: Yeah, but at least we're watching bad movies and usenet posts as a free and independent nation now! TOM: [frustrated] Crow.... [Lights flash, buzzers buzz, pandemonium erupts.] TOM: Aaaah! Fanfic sign! Quick, Crow, drag Mike along, we gotta go.... [commercials] ========================== Part 2/4 =================================== [return from commercials] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [Mike and bots stumble into the theater.] >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maqui part 3 >> Date: 17 Sep 1996 19:06:55 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 198 >> Message-ID: <51mssf$9ae@newslink.runet.edu> CROW: You gonna be OK, Mike? MIKE: Yeah. *Man* I hate it when he does that. >> NNTP-Posting-Host: plunky.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> TOM: "Plunky"? >> >> Premier Maqui* >> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> part 3 >> >> * Note: I'm trying to use the singular here. Maquis (as in the episode) >> is refering to the group. I'm refering to just one. CROW: Ha ha! That's our Ratliff! For every spelling error he corrects, he has to make another one right away to balance it out! MIKE: Does this mean Ratliff's gonna introduce us to the leader of the Maquis movement? CROW: Maybe it's Marrissa's evil twin! MIKE: Either bite your tongue, or I'll rip out your voice box. CROW: Hey, come on, at least that would give us someone to root for! >> >> Chapter Two >> >> Captain's Log >> USS Stargazer >> STARDATE 50378.4 >> Captain T'Gwen Washington recording >> Captain Zimbata of the Victory, having arrived to relieve me of >> the Miranda, I hereby accept command of the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893, the >> first ship of the Stargazer class. CROW: Why is she recording this for Captain Zimbata? And how did she arrive to relieve herself of the Miranda? MIKE: It's Ratliffian syntax, Crow.... >> I look forward to beginning our >> mission to reduce tensions in the demilitarized zone MIKE: Ratliff is sending armed ships into a "demilitarized zone" to reduce tensions? TOM: He probably thinks it's a zone that suddenly has lots of demilitar crystals in it or something.... >> by restraining the >> Marqui and their Cardassian counterpart, the Hi'den order, or the order >> of the forgotten and abandoned. CROW: So ... they'll be playing "Hi'den Seek!" >> Joining me on this mission will be my Cardassian first officer, >> Gusat, and several other members of the Cardassia Central Command. MIKE: [as T'Gwen] The Maquis believe that Starfleet is cooperating with the Cardassian government to destroy the Maquis. To convince them otherwise, we're inviting a Cardassian crew onto our Star Fleet ship. >> In >> addition, I have the pleasure of one Lieutenant Commander Marrissa A. >> Picard, TOM: I hope she's not implying that there could be *more than one* Marrissa. [*shudder*] >> serving as my Second Officer and Fighter Commander. Her youth >> and vigor, ALL: Saaaaaay!!! >> not to mention ability will be a refreshing change from the >> Miranda, where all my officers were older than 40, MIKE: [as T'Gwen] ... and therefore totally incompetent. CROW: Never trust anyone over forty! >> 5 years older than >> myself at the least. TOM: Do you get the idea that Ratliff saw "Logan's Run" once, and decided that they really had the right idea for how to run a society? >> Most of our personnel have arrived. However, I am distressed by >> the lack of a Chief Engineer. Currently no one is assigned there. I am >> now meeting with each of my command officers to get to know them better. MIKE: [as T'Gwen] I'm gonna get sloshed with them down at the bar and try to figure out what we did wrong to deserve getting stuck with The Little Princess.... >> >> "So Glinn," Washington asked. "What do you think of our young >> fighter commander?" As they lounged in her Ready Room. CROW: ... or readied in her Lounge Room.... TOM: Oh, great, strap yourselves in for yet another "All Sing the Praises of Commander Marrissa Amber Flores Picard" scene! >> "If she does as well with fighters against Marqui; as she does >> with a saucer section, and a top-of-the-line Cardassian warship," Glinn >> Gusat stated, "then she has my confidence. CROW: Wait a minute ... when did she fly a Cardassian warship? >> I certainly don't want to be >> the pilot of the ship facing her again, and as for the weapons officer, >> perish the thought." MIKE & CROW: Huh? TOM: Red alert! Syntax breach is imminent! >> "Good, then I can expect few conflicts between you and our strong >> willed fighter commander," the half-Vulcan replied. MIKE: [announcer voice] ... Can two power-mad officers from different species live on the same ship ... without driving each other crazy? BOTS: [start humming the "Odd Couple" theme] >> "And by the way, >> you might want to pass the word not to call her Risa. CROW: [as Gusat] No pleasure planet. Got it. >> According to our >> Chief Tactical Officer, that makes her mad enough to resort to practical >> jokes under the guise of a drill." >> "Practical jokes during a drill," Gusat responded. "I'd like to >> know how she does that." TOM: I'd like to know why she hasn't been court-martialed and flogged for it! MIKE: Annoying fellow crew members with childish pranks is easy ... once you know the secret! >> "I'm sure Lieutenant Ross Lockard will inform us," Washington >> said. CROW: [heavy sigh of despair] The "comic relief" scene, ladies and gentlemen. The "comic relief" scene. >> >> At that moment, Lieutenant Ross Lockard was greeting the fighter >> pilots in the Fighter bay. Twenty-nine Cardassians and an equal number >> of Starfleet personnel stood in ranks by seniority in the over 10,000 >> square foot bay. TOM: Isn't that kind of small for a fighter bay? That's, like, one third the size of a football field! MIKE: Oh, it's not the real fighter bay, it's just the Fisher-Price Kids Crew fighter bay. >> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the Chief Tactical Officer >> on this vessel, Lieutenant Ross Lockard," he began. ALL: Hi Ross!!! >> "Your Commanding >> Officer, the Fighter Commander, Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer, Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the greatest teenager in the history of humanity.... >> had 'affairs of state' to finish MIKE: So *that's* what kids call it these days. CROW: [British] You know, "affairs of state," wink wink, nudge, nudge, he said, knowingly, say no more, say no more.... >> and will be joining us later. >> Meanwhile, it is my job to introduce you to the rules and regulations >> of this vessel. CROW: [as Ross] Rule #1: Marrissa is God. That's all. Any questions? >> "First, you are expected to keep your fighters in order. We >> only have fifty of them and a rather short engineering staff. TOM: Hey, discrimination against the vertically-challenged is illegal in the 24th century! >> In fact >> we are still waiting for a Chief Engineer. CROW: [as Ross] Any of you guys feel like going down to Engineering and giving it a try? >> "Secondly, as to obeying orders, you are to obey all the orders >> of those ranked above or positioned above you. CROW: I don't know whether to read that line as blatantly obvious, stupid, or kinky. MIKE: Ratliff? Come here and let me slap you. I think that little- known tidbit of military discipline was covered in basic training, don't you? >> Your direct superiors >> will be the Fighter Commander, the First Officer, Glinn Gusat, and the >> Captain, T'Gwen Washington. >> As Ross concluded his remarks, Marrissa Amber Picard entered the >> bay. TOM: The air chilled noticeably and an eerie chanting began in the background. >> Noticing her Ross CROW: [as Marrissa] That's *my* Ross! >> announced, "Now here is your commanding officer, >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard." ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer, Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the greatest teenager in the history of humanity.... >> As he moved to leave, he >> whispered in Marrissa's ear, "I got them ready for you, enjoy." CROW: [as Ross] I warmed 'em up for you. Now make 'em laugh, kid! >> "Fellow pilots," she began. "As Ross has no doubt informed you, >> I am the fighter commander on this vessel. I am also the second officer >> as well. CROW: [as Marrissa] And a princess! Did I mention that I'm a princess too? TOM: Yes, she is also, additionally, concurrently, and simultaneously a princess as well, besides, at the same time, too. >> Since I have the honor of serving as fighter commander, it is >> my duty to organize this department and provide a chain of command. A MIKE: [as Marrissa] Here... take these chains and put them on! >> full chain of command in the department will take awhile but organizing >> it will not. After I have dismissed you, you will find your wing and >> quarters assignment on the wing status display board on the right side >> wall as you exit the bay toward engineering. I am now also prepared to >> announce your wing commanders. TOM: Ooo, a new Wing Commander! Does Mark Hamill fight the Kilrathi in this one, too? >> This is based on those tests you all >> took in the past couple days. MIKE: [as Marrissa] You remember... that "Are You Compatible With Your Fellow Pilots" test that I got out of last month's "Cosmo"? >> Red wing, Lieutenant junior grade >> Katherine Lockard, Blue wing, Lieutenant junior grade Matthew Grubb, CROW: Age 12.... >> Green wing, Lieutenant junior grade Tibek, TOM: Age 11.... >> Black wing, Dar Dukat Mikor, >> Brown wing, Assist Dar Ekat, Orange wing, Assit Dar Davek, and last but >> not least our combined wing, Yellow, Lieutenant junior grade Tanis >> Solar. TOM: Hey, it's the Rainbow Coalition! 'Cause it's different races, see, and all those colors... ah, forget it! >> Please report to the conference lounge on deck 7 at 1100 hours, >> tomorrow. That is the Wing Debriefing Room, so please make sure you >> know where it is." MIKE: [as Marrissa] Ha ha, I lied! It's another of my brilliant practical jokes! It's not on deck 7, it's on deck 14! Ha ha, you're all demoted! >> >> >> Twelve-year-old Kerstin Szustakowski was in class when it all >> began on the Roanoke. TOM: Oh no.... >> First the ship went to Yellow Alert. TOM: Don't tell me.... >> Then the >> ship shook and went to Red Alert. Finally her teacher collapsed. TOM: Miiiiiiiike! He's doing it again, isn't he?! MIKE: I'm afraid so, guys. BOTS: [bone-chilling wails of anguish] >> As the rest of her class was sitting there shocked at the >> teacher's collapse, only Kerstin could take the initiative. MIKE: [as Kerstin] Come on, everybody! Let's *PARTY*! SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER!! >> "Classroom >> Two to Sickbay, Medical Emergency," she said. There was no response. BOTS: [Whimper] Mike, make it stop! Please! MIKE: C'mon guys, don't give in. Help me out here! >> "Medical Emergency in Classroom Two." Still no response. MIKE: Looks like the doctor's been writing his own prescriptions again.... CROW: Brace yourself! Ten seconds to plot device! BOTS: [shudder] >> "Kerstin to >> Engineering." No Response. CROW: ... seven ... six ... >> "Kerstin to the Bridge." No Response. TOM: Kerstin, take the hint! Nobody wants to talk to you!!! CROW: ... four ... three ... >> "Computer, crew status, authorization Kerstin Alpha Five Four Oh Kids." >> "Adult crew out of commission due to CROW: [as computer] ... cheesy plot device. >> unknown compound in >> ventilation," the Computer responded. "Activating Kid's Crew, Kerstin >> Szustakowski now in command. Intruder alert, on the Bridge." MIKE: Just when you thought the adults in this story were already useless enough, Ratliff invents a gas to complete the job! TOM: No, no, no, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Not again! I refuse to acknowledge that Ratliff is *yet again* writing a plot contrivance with a mysterious unknown compound that disables adults, but somehow leaves members of the Kids Crew completely unharmed! Not only is it the most blatantly contrived and overused plot device in Ratliff's entire body of work, but it MAKES NO SENSE!!!!! If anything, the kids should be *more* susceptible to all the unknown compounds and chemicals and stuff! Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!! I'm not listening to you, Ratliff! It's not happening! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!! >> "Transfer command to Classroom two, lock down the bridge and >> change all command codes CROW: Do you think Marrissa has been using this "Ratliff gas" in smaller doses all along to assist in her rise to power? It would explain a lot! >> to settings in file >> KidsCrew/Operation/Codes/Kerstin," the eleven year old girl ordered. MIKE: She's only been in command for a few seconds, and already she's a year younger! CROW: Think Tom's gonna be all right? MIKE: I don't know.... TOM: [still shuddering] HmmHmmHmmHmmHmm! >> "Seal all sections that Intruders occupy with force fields." MIKE: What about the sections that intruders occupy with other means? >> "Unable to comply, system disabled," was the computer's >> response. >> "Great," was Kerstin's reply, as she tapped her combadge. "All >> Kid's Crew members report to Classroom Two. CROW: [as Kerstin] Recess is over! >> Computer, their is >> decompression problems on the bridge and the other areas the Intruders >> occupy, lower bulkheads." >> "No pressure drop located." TOM: [as Hal] I'm afraid I can't do that, Kerstin.... CROW: He'll be OK. >> "There is a sensor malfunction, lower bulkheads, authorization >> Kerstin Alpha Four Oh Five Beta Princess." MIKE: Isn't that a Japanese cartoon show? A Sailor Moon spin-off or something? CROW: Yeah, but you have to call it "anime." >> "Lowering bulkheads." TOM: You're pronouncing it wrong, Crow. It's "ah-nee-may," not "a-neem." CROW: Oh, bai-tee may! >> >> The next mornings staff meeting on the Stargazer was held in the >> conference lounge below the bridge at 0800 hours. CROW: The conference lounge would be above the bridge from 1200 to 2400 hours. >> In attendance were >> Captain T'Gwen Washington, Commander Gusat, MIKE: [as Gusat] ... stupid morning meetings ... ... coffee.... >> and Lieutenant Commander >> Marrissa Picard. The new Chief of Operations, the Cardassian Assist >> Duvet, and the Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Ross Lockard were also >> there. Just arriving was the Doctor and Chief of Security. >> The half-Vulcan, half human MIKE: [as announcer] ... All Action! >> Captain began, "Ladies and >> Gentlemen, welcome to the Stargazer, CROW: [as T'Gwen] Please enjoy the buffet. >> since not all of you have met, we >> will begin with introductions. Please tell us your name, and your duty >> assignments. TOM: Ratliff? Hello? We covered this in the preceding paragraph!!! MIKE: Sorry, Tom ... it's like some kind of ritual with this guy. TOM: Just *once*, can't Ratliff just say, "They introduced themselves to each other."?!? >> I am T'Gwen Washington, Captain. My job is commanding >> officer." MIKE: [as T'Gwen] I'll do Captain things and generally be the Captain when a Captain is needed. CROW: Must be the remedial staff meeting for guys who only got into Starfleet Academy on football scholarships. >> She gestured to her right. >> A Cardassian spoke up, "I am Gusat, Glinn. I am the First >> Officer." MIKE: [as Gusat] I'll do the Captain stuff when she's not around. >> Next to him, another Cardassian spoke up, "Duvek, Assist Glinn, >> Chief of Operations." CROW: Czar of unnecessary medical procedures. >> Beside him was yet another Cardassian, "Assist Gavek, Chief of >> Security." >> Beginning down the other side was a brown haired man, who >> stated. "Ross Lockard, Lieutenant, Chief Tactical Officer." CROW: [as Ratliff] Hi, my name is Stephen Ratliff, and I'm an introduce-aholic. MIKE & TOM: HI STEPHEN! >> Next was a man in medical attire with straw-like hair. >> "Lieutenant Commander Jackson Johnson, Chief Medical Officer," he >> drawled. MIKE: [as CMO] I heal people when they're sick and injured and stuff. TOM: [as CMO, with drawl] Y'all c'mon dawwn t' Sic Bay any time'n ya want chitlins an' gravy. It's mah spec-i-al-ity. >> And last but certainly not least ALL: Oh, *certainly* not! >> was the blond girl on the left >> of the Captain. She recited. MIKE: ... Here it comes again.... >> "Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, >> Lieutenant Commander, Second Officer, Fighter Commander. CROW: [as Marrissa] But I just *hate* titles.... >> Shall I go on >> to my duties that do not pertain to this ship?" TOM: [as officers] Oh, sure, just go ahead and drone on about things which are absolutely irrelevant to doing our jobs, but will inflate your ego even more than it already is. We'll all sit here and pretend to be enthralled since you control who lives and who dies.... >> "Go ahead, I'd like to know what else you have to do," Gusat >> responded. MIKE: [as Gusat] ... so they'll know what to put on your obituary after you die at my hand. >> "Coordinating Officer of the Kid's Crew program, Heir to the >> throne of Essex," Marrissa finished. CROW: "Finished?" Ha! She's only *begun* to collect power and titles! TOM: [as commercial announcer] The introduction sequence! It serves a much needed purpose in today's fanfic, much like Roger Corman's walking scenes, the rock-climbing in "Lost Continent," and almost all of the movie "Sidehackers"! So the next time *you* need to pad out a story, be sure to consider the padding method preferred by Stephen Ratliff! Introduction sequences! Ask for them by name! >> "I have just found us a Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Virginia >> Szustakowski. She will be joining us in the zone," Captain Washington >> concluded. >> "Bridge to Captain Washington," Katherine Lockard interrupted. >> "Go ahead Lieutenant," Washington replied. >> "A priority one signal has come in from Captain George Siena of >> the Fearless," Lieutenant Katherine Lockard announced. TOM: Along with Commander Bart Tungsten and Lieutenant Cliff Beefpile, Captain George "Burnt" Siena kicked butt across the galaxy! >> "Request for >> immediate assistance. CROW: Ironically, the Fearless is in a panic! >> Captain Sisko has asked if we can handle it, since >> Commander Worf has the Defiant in the Gamma Quadrant." >> "Inform Sisko that we will be underway as soon as he gives us >> clearance," Captain Washington replied, standing up. CROW: Umm, maybe I'm missing something here, but doesn't "immediate assistance" imply that they've got clearance or whatever? MIKE: In the Ratliverse, all requests for emergency assistance have to be filed in triplicate and cleared with both Starfleet Command and Kids Crew Headquarters before anybody's allowed to help. >> >> From the stairs to the deck below, the Command crew of the USS >> Stargazer emerged onto the bridge. MIKE: No one will be seated during the gripping stair-climbing scene. >> Lieutenant Katherine Lockard >> relinquished the Command chair to Captain T'Gwen Washington as the rest >> of the Command crew filed in. She took over the helm from some junior >> officer. TOM: [as announcer] Ensign Throwaway is back! And this time, it's personal! MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Wait! Hold everything! There's a junior officer here whose name we don't know! We're not going *anywhere* until we start another round of introductions!!! >> Glinn Gusat took his seat beside the Captain. Duvek relieved >> his second, Lieutenant Lavelle and Lieutenant Lockard and Assist Gavek >> both took up tactical as Lockard was helping Gavek learn the system. CROW: Oh, this is encouraging. Let's go into a crisis situation with half of our crew learning on the job! TOM: At least they don't have to wait until next Tuesday for most of their equipment.... >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer, Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the greatest teenager in the history of humanity... >> sat down at the Fighter Commander >> console. >> "Ops, do we have clearance?" Captain Washington asked. TOM: [as Ops] Yes, up to 50 percent off all items in the store. >> "Clearance from Deep Space Nine has been logged," Duvek replied. MIKE: "Got your clearance, Clarence?" CROW: "What's your vector, Victor?" TOM: "Roger, Roger." MIKE: The "Airplane" sketch, ladies and gentlemen, the "Airplane" sketch. >> "CONN?" TOM: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! MIKE: Oh, come on, Tom, we've done that joke about 58 times by now! TOM: Yeah, I know, but it's not a joke, it's primal scream therapy to stave off the despair and horror of knowing that this Ratliff fanfic has barely even *started* yet. >> "Departure course laid in and awaiting your command," Katherine >> Lockard replied. CROW: Maybe we should just give up and scream through the entire fanfic. >> "Release Docking clamps, forward and aft thrusters to station >> keeping. Port thrusters to one quarter," T'Gwen Washington ordered. >> "Take us out, Lieutenant." TOM: Always obedient, the Lieutenant drew her phaser and took out the entire bridge crew. Marrissa was instantly, irrevocably and permanently disintegrated. Then she pointed the weapon at her own head and fired. The End. MIKE: I can see that scream didn't last very long.... >> >> Stargazer pulled away from lower pylon two of Deep Space Nine. >> Sliding sideways she CROW: She slides sideways by the seashore! >> cleared the port and then pulled out of Deep Space >> Nine away from the wormhole. MIKE: The raucous "No More Marrissa" party at Quark's could almost be heard through the vacuum of space. >> >> "Now clear of Deep Space Nine," Kathy announced. >> "Captain Sisko sends his best wishes," Assist Glinn Duvek >> informed. TOM: [as Duvek] Oh, he also said: "Don't come back if *she's* on board." >> "Thank him for me. CONN course, one five two, mark six two," >> Captain Washington ordered. "Warp eight, it's time we see what this >> ship can do. Commander Picard, have two wings ready to take off on a >> moment's notice." CROW: [as Marrissa] Yes, Captain, but it'll take time for me to grow them, and it's really going to hurt to remove them! >> "Blue and Black wings will be ready in five minutes," Marrissa >> replied. "Please note that in the future I intend to cut that time to >> two minutes." TOM: [as Marrissa] Beatings will continue until the pilots bend to my will. MIKE: [as Marrissa] I've been studying up on 20th Century KGB torture and blackmail techniques to keep my people in line! >> "So noted," Captain Washington said. CROW: [as T'Gwen] And please note that in the future I intend to cut your throat at the first opportunity.... >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. MIKE: Yup. Ratliff *is* feeling testy these days. >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 4 MIKE: Check it out, guys. He got the title right this time! CROW: Now let's see if he sticks with it. >> Date: 24 Sep 1996 14:01:43 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 66 >> Message-ID: <528pk7$291@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] TOM: I didn't know Yassir Arafat was an empath. >> >> >> >> Chapter Three >> >> The Maquis did not expect any resistance from the Roanoke, after >> all MIKE: ... everyone had mysteriously disappeared from that colony centuries ago. >> they had a drug that caused instant loss of consciousness in the >> adults they had tested it on. However TOM: ... their plan failed, due to the well-known scientific fact that human children are biologically an entirely different species from adults. >> almost as soon as they arrived >> the bulkheads went down, trapping them on the Bridge and Engineering. >> Kerstin and her Kid's crew had destroyed their ship. CROW: Kerstin panicked and activated the self-destruct? MIKE: We wish! TOM: Chalk up another several dozen deaths for Marrissa and her army of the damned. >> They couldn't >> access the Computer. MIKE: [as Maquis] Damn that password-protected screen saver! >> They did manage to sabotage the ship's engines by MIKE: ... pulling the distributor cap? CROW: ... plugging the exhaust pipe with a potato? TOM: ... pouring sugar in the warp core? >> manually removing key computer components, but that was all they could >> do. >> Kerstin Szustakowski had their number, and was about to call it. MIKE: [as Kerstin] B ... Eight! CROW: Bingo! >> As soon as reinforcements arrived that is. Two dozen children versus two >> scores of Maquis, that just wasn't odds that Kerstin liked. MIKE: Aw, that's just because this is Kerstin's first Ratliff story. CROW: The touching naivete of youth.... TOM: I'm sure she'll get with the program before too long. >> >> "Someone has stolen Captain Seina's ship," Washington stated >> before her assembled bridge crew. MIKE: Stargazer bridge crew comes with everything you see here. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. >> "Excuse me Captain, did you say stole?" Lieutenant Ross Lockard >> asked, shocked. "You don't steal a starship ... we haven't had one >> stolen since Kirk stole the Enterprise." TOM: Hey, didn't somebody steal a starship in "Time Speeder?" CROW: Yeah, but this story takes place somewhere before "Time Speeder." Isn't Marrissa a full Captain in "Time Speeder?" TOM: No, "Time Speeder" actually occurs shortly before this story in Ratliff's timeline. She's in command, of course, but she's not a captain. CROW: I guess even Ratliff wants to forget about that story! >> "Captain Seina believes the Maquis commandeered his vessel," >> Washington replied. MIKE: I don't know what frightens me more --- that Ratliff created this insanely detailed timeline for his stories and promptly ignores it, or that we've got the damn thing memorized now.... >> "He also suspects his Doctor, who he left in >> command, has something to do with it." >> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat responded. TOM: [as Gusat] ... except for the parts about leaving a Doctor in command, and giving almost your whole crew shore leave while in hostile territory.... >> "After all someone had to >> arrange for the right people to come aboard." CROW: [snooty voice] We only allow the *right* people onto our starships. >> "The ship's Chief Medical Officer, even one with his commander's >> pips doesn't have that much power," Doctor Johnson observed. "Someone >> else must have been involved." TOM: [as Johnson] I think it was the guy behind the grassy knoll. >> "Agreed, Doctor," T'Gwen Washington responded. "But I'm afraid >> we may never find out who. Admiral Ellis has imposed a gag order. CROW: [as T'Gwen] We have orders to put a gag on Marrissa! ALL: [cheering and applause] MIKE: So, has anybody else spotted the subtle clues that Admiral Ellis might secretly be one of the bad guys? TOM: Have *you* guessed the identity of the secret villain? If so, turn to page 125 and see how Encyclopedia Marrissa solved "The Case of the Evil Admiral Ellis!" >> We >> may search for the Fearless, but no one is to speak of suspected reasons >> for her disappearance." >> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat commented. TOM: [as T'Gwen] It's also been rumored that the Fairy Godmothers of Xanadu gave the Maquis a magic powder that let them transform the Fearless into a polka-dotted rhinoceros so that they could pass through Federation territory without being noticed! CROW: [as Gusat] Makes sense. MIKE: [as T'Gwen] We've also determined that the Borg invasion was *really* triggered by the Masons and Communists of old Earth under the leadership of Adolf Hitler in order to provide a cover for their plan to gain a controlling interest in the dilithium mining industry! CROW: [as Gusat] Makes sense. >> "I'm glad it makes sense to you, Glinn," Marrissa replied. "It >> makes very little for me." >> >> Kerstin Szustakowski had just reached Admiral Ellis. Apparently >> an urgent call from the Captain of a Kid's Crew was not urgent to the >> Admiral. TOM: Finally, an admiral with some brains. CROW: Have we *ever* seen one of those in Star Trek? TOM: Hmm.... Well, Kirk, I guess, but I think that's the reason they had to demote him.... >> "What is it? I've got Personnel Review Forms to finish," the >> Admiral snapped. CROW: 9-1-1 emergency, please hold.... TOM: [as Ellis] How am I supposed to get this paperwork done when you people keep interrupting me with your Priority 1 distress calls?!! >> "I need immediate assistance," Kerstin stated. "I've got forty >> Maquis Officers on board occupying my bridge, all the adults are >> unconscious and I just have two dozen untrained children at my >> disposal." MIKE: [as Kerstin] And to top it all off, the replicators won't give me any hot chocolate! >> "And you are?" Ellis said with contempt. >> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Captain, Kid's Crew USS Roanoke," she >> replied. "When can I expect assistance?" CROW: [as Ellis] You kids should be able to handle this by yourselves! Haven't you ever seen "Home Alone"?! >> "What assistance," Ellis sneered. "You aren't worth the >> trouble. Ellis out." TOM: Ah, I love the subtle, devious manipulations of a Ratliff villain! MIKE: He could have at least *pretended* to send out assistance, but I guess that would have been just too subtle. CROW: Well, at least he's not named "Yrev Tpurroc" this time.... >> >> Kerstin wasn't happy with the latest development. She'd done >> just like the manual said. MIKE: Guess it's time to call the toll-free tech support line. CROW: [as Kerstin] I don't understand! I don't *have* an "any" key! >> But the Bastard wouldn't help her as the >> regulations required. MIKE: Hey, watch your language, little girl! TOM: I tell you, this Kids Crew program is a breeding ground for juvenile delinquency, Communism, and beatnikkery! >> Fortunately, Kerstin followed the advice of her >> Kid's Crew supervising officer, CROW: Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out? >> always have a back up plan. TOM: Deus ex Machina, to the rescue! >> In fact she >> was about to contact that very officer. TOM: ... same thing. MIKE: [as Marrissa] What do you want?! I've got paperwork to do!!! Just go down with your ship and quit whining, you big baby! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis part 5 - New CROW: ... "and Improved?" MIKE: What do you think? >> Date: 1 Oct 1996 14:21:41 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 85 >> Message-ID: <52r9dl$rh3@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Star Trek: Deep Space Nine >> The Marrissa Stories >> Premier Maquis* >> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> >> *other parts had Marqui, due to my spell checker insisting that that was >> the correct spelling. Marqui is a noble rank. Maquis is a resistance >> movement. CROW: [as Ratliff] It was the spellchecker! The spellchecker made me do it! I knew it was wrong all along, but the spellchecker forced me to write it like that! >> >> Part 5 >> other parts available by request or on the web at: >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html MIKE: That, my friends, is the scariest line of the whole story. >> >> Chapter Four >> >> "Commander Picard, urgent communication for you from Kerstin >> Szustakowski, USS Roanoke," Assist Glinn Duvek said from Operations. CROW: [as Duvek] Will you accept the charges? MIKE: Where does he come up with these names, anyhow? "Assist Glinn Duvek?" TOM: I think that's a TV show --- like a really lame version of "Get Christie Love!" >> "I'll take it in the Observation Lounge," Marrissa Picard >> replied, MIKE: [as Marrissa] Stupid old bridge doesn't give me any privacy when my friends call! >> then remembering that she had been left in command, CROW: Marrissa had become so obsessed with her plans for galactic domination that little details began to slip away from her. >> she >> continued. "You have the Bridge Duvek." She got up out of her station >> above the stairs and walked around to and down the stairs. TOM: To the Bat Pole! >> Duvek >> meanwhile took to the command chair as Lieutenant Lavelle replaced him >> at Ops. MIKE: Whew! The action here is leaving me breathless. TOM: Remember, the first rule of fiction writing is: "Never, ever, let your readers be confused about the precise geographical locations of your minor characters!" >> >> Minutes later Captain Washington entered the bridge. "Where is >> Lieutenant Commander Picard?" she asked. CROW: [as Duvek] Duhh, I dunno, I'm just a temp. MIKE: Hey! >> "The Commander had a call from a Kerstin Szustakowski, acting >> Captain USS Roanoke," Duvek said as he returned to his station. TOM: [as Duvek] She wanted to know if Marrissa could "come out and play." >> "Kerstin Szustakowski?" T'Gwen Washington mused. "Kid's crew in >> command, again. CROW: [as T'Gwen] The horror ... the horror.... >> Can't Captain Mary Szustakowski keep her children out of >> the command chair?" TOM: Not as long as Ratliff continues to warp space and time and stretch credibility to the breaking point to put them there! >> "Careful Captain," Katherine Lockard said from the helm. "I'm >> one of those children." MIKE: [as Dennis Hopper] Do you know what would happen if Marrissa heard about that little comment? Ooooo ... bad things, man! >> "No offense intended, Lieutenant," the Captain apologized. >> "None taken, Captain," Kathy replied. TOM: [as Lockard] But I am taking notes. Once we rule Starfleet, say hello to the wonderful world of the Starfleet Sanitation Corps, Crewman Fourth Class Washington! >> "I know Mom has spent a >> lot of time out of the chair in the past couple years, most of the time >> with one of my little sisters taking her place. CROW: [as Kathy] Other times with her pet schnauzer Fluffy taking her place. >> It seems some Star >> Fleet Admirals have found a little trick that allows him to send a >> Captain Szustakowski even when Mom gets herself injured." CROW: It's called "nepotism," kid.... MIKE: Actually, it's a stupid plot device called "The Ratliff Maneuver." >> "I wish I hadn't told Admiral Okie of that little trick," CROW: You and me both, kiddo. >> Marrissa Picard said, emerging from the stairs. "At the time it seemed >> like the only way to stop that war in the Naklab system though." TOM: Please, Steve, *must* you torture us with these memories? >> "Hey, my sisters aren't objecting," Katherine responded. "After >> all, Hope has a treaty and Kerstin has two to her names." MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Thank God there were no trained diplomats or experienced officers available. >> "Yeah but diplomacy makes dealing with Maquis taking over your >> ship positively look easy," Picard replied. "Until you get them >> confined that is. CROW: Yeah, sure, I know what you... *huh*?! What blue sky did *that* remark come out of? TOM: I think that was Ratliff's idea of a witty segue. MIKE: [as Marrissa] Gee, I'm sorry, was I bragging about my accomplishments again and putting off talking about something important? Oh well ... that'll happen! >> Now poor Kerstin is having trouble getting help. TOM: [as Marrissa] Her insurance won't pay for counseling. >> Admiral Ellis just refused to send any." >> "He did?" Washington stated. "That was not logical. CONN set a >> course to the Roanoke, warp seven. Picard, have your fighters standing >> by. If that young Captain of yours has managed to curtail the >> activities of some Maquis, they logically would have called for help." MIKE: It'd be the first logical thing to happen in this fanfic. CROW: ... in *any* Ratliff fanfic. >> "Kathy, you won't mind if I borrow your wing?" Marrissa asked. MIKE: [as Marrissa] My fighter is missing one. >> "Kerstin suggested that you'd be ready to decode her messages." >> "I'll be ready," Kathy replied. >> Marrissa nodded and tapped her communicator. "Attention all >> Fighter Wings, TOM: [as Marrissa] There's a blue-light special on all poopie suits in Aisle 5! >> red wing, blue wing, to launch status. Green wing, black >> wing, to ready status. All other wings standby for deployment orders." TOM: [as Luke Skywalker] Red Five standing by.... >> Closing the channel she continued. "With your permission Captain, I'll >> go down to the fighter bay now." >> >> Ro Laren was not in good sprits. MIKE: Her mast was shaky and her sails tattered. CROW: [as Ratliff] The spellchecker did it! I knew that "sprit" was a sailing term that had nothing to do with this story, but the spellchecker threatened to kill my dog if I didn't go along with it! TOM: [as Ro, depressed] Should have known I couldn't avoid being in a Ratliff story forever.... >> She had lead the Maquis on >> board the Roanoke, after gassing its crew. Ro knew of no way she could >> have been blocked in her takeover of the starship. CROW: [as Ro] It *must* be some cheesy plot device.... But what? >> She knew about the >> fact that the gas was ineffective on children. Could it be that the >> children had command of the ship? No, she dismissed the thought. No >> Captain would allow the children to have command level access. MIKE: Yes, that's what any *mentally competent* person would think. TOM: So Ro was the only person in the entire galaxy not to buy a copy of Marrissa's biography? >> And who >> ever was fighting her off ALL: Hi Keeba! >> had to have that. Even with that Kid's Crew >> regulation they passed just before she left Star Fleet. >> The Roanoke had destroyed her ship, and all who remained aboard. TOM: Ah, the joys of childhood. First day of school, first crush, first taste of bloodlust and indiscriminate slaughter.... MIKE: And since this all happened off-camera, just take our word for it. CROW: Actually, we should be thankful for that! We were spared another excruciating Ratliff battle scene. >> At least that wouldn't happen to any one else. Ro had ordered phaser >> power conduits disconnected. It was now time to call for back up. >> "Maquis Croatan to Marqui Defiance, help requested," CROW: My God, he can't even keep it consistent within *the same friggin' sentence*!!!!! >> Ro said over her >> portable communications equipment. "I've been locked out." TOM: [as Fred Flintstone] WIIIIIIIL - MAAAAAAAA !!!!! MIKE: [as Ro] And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids! CROW: [as Defiance] Listen, we've got a lot of paperwork to do over here ... call us back later! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis part 6 >> Date: 8 Oct 1996 14:15:05 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 100 >> Message-ID: <53dnl9$ovt@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> Premier Maqui >> by Stephen Ratliff >> A Marrissa Story >> Stargazer Mission, DS9 >> part 6 >> >> Chapter Five >> >> In classroom two on board the Roanoke, the panic had just begun >> again. MIKE: In viewing room one on board the Satellite of Love, the torture had been going on for some time.... >> The temporary command center was experiencing another crisis. MIKE: [as command center temp] Look, you've *got* to sign my time card! >> "Multiple contacts coming out of warp," the boy taking care of sensors >> announced. "A dozen Maquis raiders and one Intrepid class Starship, in >> formation." >> "Tactical, weapons status?" Kerstin asked. CROW: [as tactical] Spitballs loaded and ready, sir! >> "No power to phasers," a girl replied. "Torpedo launching >> systems jammed." >> "And no way to run either," Kerstin responded. TOM: [singing] No where to run, baby ... no where to hide. >> "ETA on the >> Stargazer." >> "Three minutes," a boy replied. >> "Three minutes, we can do that," Kerstin smiled. "Tell me, >> Ashaya, is the loading system still OK for the torpedoes?" CROW: [as Ashaya] That's a rather personal question, isn't it? >> "Yes, Kerstin," the tactical officer responded. "But what good >> is that going to do?" >> "Transporters are still on line aren't they?" Kerstin asked. A >> boy responded with a nod. "Then we'll transport them. I just love >> Tactics Monthly." TOM: [as announcer reading headlines] "31 New Ways to Maim and Kill!" CROW: [same] "New covert-action fashions for the 90's!" MIKE: [same] "Does your enemy still respect you? Take this qwik quiz." TOM: I don't suppose anybody thought of transporting the *Maquis invaders* into space? MIKE: Space? Why not just transport them into the brig? TOM: No, Marrissa trained them too well: "Always choose the solution that achieves the highest body count, because that's how we keep score!" >> >> Eddington smiled as his fleet approached the drifting Roanoke. >> It was just waiting for his forces. MIKE: [as Eddington, smugly] God, I'm good. >> He wondered why Ro hadn't been able >> to take over the ship. CROW: [as Wicked Witch of the West] These things must be done deeeeeelicately. >> She was one of the Maquis' most experienced >> operatives, that's why she had been assigned the task of taking the >> Nebula class starship. In any case, with the Maquis Defiance's support, >> the Roanoke would soon be Maquis. MIKE: [as Eddington] It's mine! Do you hear?! All mine! >> "Incoming hail from the Roanoke," his operations officer >> announced. >> "On screen," Eddington responded, his Star Fleet training >> evident. CROW: Oh yeah, Starfleet people are the only ones who know how to put the words "on" and "screen" together in that situation, right? MIKE: Starfleet Academy drills them for *months* on that until they get the proper technique honed to perfection. >> All that training went out the window when Kerstin appeared on >> screen. He muttered, "a child, a child." TOM: My kingdom for a child! >> "Yes a child," Kerstin replied. CROW: [as Kerstin] There! I said it! I said it, and I'm proud!!! >> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Kid's >> Crew Captain, presently in command of the USS Roanoke. I suggest you >> withdraw immediately." MIKE: You know, sometimes I wonder if Ratliff is too subtle and too infrequent in presenting the central thesis of his stories. >> "Why? Ro informs me that your ship is currently disabled," TOM: Actually, the ship prefers to be called "differently abled". >> Eddington responded, dryly. "You couldn't hurt a flea." >> "Well I may not be Marrissa Picard, MIKE: I'll grant you that, Kerstin, but right now it's kinda hard to tell the difference! >> but you'll find than no >> Kid's Crew Captain has a bark worse than their bite, Mister," the young >> girl replied. CROW: [as Eddington] In that case, I think it's only appropriate to say ... bite me!!! >> "Roanoke out." >> >> In the classroom that was serving as the control center of the >> Roanoke, Kerstin turned toward her tactical officer and said, TOM: [as Kerstin] I have no idea what I'm doing! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! >> "Ashaya, >> transport one torpedo directly in front of the lead Maquis raider. Set >> it to explode on impact." >> On the classroom's view screen, a Maquis raider's nose was >> obscured by the explosion. CROW: Got your nose...! >> When the blast cleared, half the ship was >> gone. CROW: [as used car salesman] We're having a *blowout* sale! Check out this used Maquis ship! Half off! MIKE & TOM: Booooooooooo! >> It drifted aimlessly toward the Roanoke. >> "Dusty," Kerstin ordered a boy at the rear of the classroom. TOM: Ironic name there, Steve! 'Cause, see, the Maquis ship was blown into dust, and ... heh .... >> "Look for known Maquis with the name Ro. I want to know about our >> opponent." >> "Kerstin, shields have gone up on all remaining vessels," a boy >> announced. TOM: ... but soybeans are down one and a quarter. >> "They should have had them up before," Ashaya responded. CROW: [sarcastically] Ooooooh, are the Maquis just not as perfect as the great Ashaya? >> "Agreed," Kerstin replied. "Send another torpedo at that >> half-destroyed ship, I don't want it drifting into us. Also that raider >> at seventy mark eight looks a little weak. MIKE: [as Kerstin] Give him a trial membership at Bally's Health Club. >> Give him a torpedo in thirty >> seconds." TOM: [as Kerstin] There's no kill like overkill! >> "Aye sir," Ashaya replied. >> "Another vessel has arrived ...," a boy said. "... it's the >> Stargazer." CROW: [as boy, in monotone] Yay. We're saved. >> On the bridge of the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington >> surveyed the scene surrounding the Roanoke. MIKE: [as Washington] Excuse me, Mr. Scene, would you like to take a survey? How would you feel about a movie that showed George Wendt eating beans? >> A half destroyed hull blew >> up as they watched. The remaining ships were beginning to surround >> the Roanoke, the Intrepid class ship being on the other side from >> the Stargazer. CROW: This sentence being almost incomprehensible. >> "Launch fighters," she ordered. "Ops status of the Roanoke, >> CONN plot a course to bring us along side the Intrepid Class vessel. MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Quartermaster, mints on pillows every day from now on. >> Tactical fire on raiders as your phasers come to bear." ALL: Teddy Ruxpin! NOOO! >> "The Roanoke's warp and impluse engines are offline," Duvek >> responded. "No power to phasers. Transporter activity indicates that >> they are using transporters to launch torpedoes." >> "Fascinating," CROW: That word looks *so* out of place in this story.... >> Washington responded. "Gusat, take the upper >> warp pair. We are going to give who ever took the Fearless a chase. >> Duvek, take the bridge, I'll be in the lower warp pair. Once we split, MIKE: [as T'Gwen] ... the fighters will stay with each of us on alternate weekends. >> I want you to move to cover the top of the Roanoke. If you can, >> transport security teams on board the Roanoke to clear out those Maquis. >> Warp pair separation in one minute mark." MIKE: [as Duvek] Yes, sir. But my name's "Duvek!" >> The Captain and First Officer left the bridge of the Stargazer, >> and Duvek settled into the command chair. "Rotate us 90 degrees onto >> our port side. Set a course looping around the raiders terminating in >> front and facing the Fearless at separation." CROW: [Duvek] That way we'll be right in their sights just when we're at our most vulnerable! TOM: [as helmsman] Sir, before I set that course ... what the *HELL* did you just say?! MIKE: So, with that exciting cliffhanger, we reach the end of another chapter! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author TOM: ... speaking of cliffhangers.... [Mike and bots get up to leave theater.] >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. >> [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] MIKE: And now, it's my pleasure to present our musical tribute to Stephen Ratliff --- creator of Marrissa, her Kid's Crew and other related horrors. I have to take a few minutes to get into costume for my song, so for the first musical number I'll just turn the floor over to our very own Tom Servo.... [Mike sweeps his arms in Tom's direction, then exits stage left.] TOM: Thank you, Mike. My tribute to today's experiment is adapted from Johann Strauss' lovely opera, "Die Fliedermaus." *Ahem* The name of the aria is "Premier Maquis." Cambot, whenever you're ready.... [Sung to the tune of "My Dear Marqui," a.k.a. "The Laughing Song."] Premier Maquis It seems to me Should be thrown in the trash! If I may advise I would think it wise To have it burnt to ash! The story is lame and too long, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! The intro's absurd and just wrong, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! When Steve writes of the Kid's Crew, Oh, the torment we go through! A Corman film, you know, Would not abuse us so! A Corman film, you know, Would not abuse us so! Steve, you write abominably! You owe us an apology! What a painful ... ow! ow! ow! Situation ... ow! ow! ow! What a horrible ... ow! ow! ow! Tribulation ... ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! What a painful ... ow! ow! ow! Situation ... ow! ow! ow! To see it scrolling on the screen! [Mike returns to the SOL control room wearing the Star Trek:TNG uniform from Laserblast, but with less padding at the chest. He is also wearing the blond wig from his stint as Fabio. Crow and Tom scream in horror as Mike enters and takes his place at front and center. He kneels behind the console to simulate the height of the character whose role he is now playing.] MIKE: [as Marrissa] All right crew, listen up! My song is about the only subject worth writing about --- ME! So shut up and give me center stage! Cambot, load the tune, and ... ENGAGE! [All Marrissa Wants] [Sung to the tune of Alanis Morissette's "All I Really Want."] Do I make you retch? You watch as I make adults play dead and fetch And you say how ridiculous. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I poured strawberry juice on Worf today And I just love it. And there I go again making the pros look just like fools, Beating them at their own game. I do just what I please and I can make up my own rules. Who else could make the Borg Queen look tame? And all I really want is some patience With those who aren't as great as me. And all I really want is adulations. [Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.] Do I drive you insane? You must wonder why I'm driven and spoiled and vain And consumed by the need to command. I love the captain's chair. You can boss around lowly crewmen there, And they jump to your every demand. And I am happy making sure that my will is obeyed, Beating up negotiators. And many want to shut us down, but I am not afraid. I make hash of Starfleet haters. And no, I never want to be a grown-up, 'Cause maybe if I get that old Then they wouldn't let me be so stuck-up. [Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.] Enough about you, let's talk about me for a minute. Enough about life, let's talk about me for a while. The conquests, the adventures, and the sound of enemies Falling all around... all around.... Why do you guys always make fun of me? Here, can you handle this? [Complete silence for ten seconds. During this time, Mike holds up a picture of Marrissa holding a scepter while wearing royal robes and a crown. Surrounding her is a group of beings from many races. There are representatives from the Federation, the Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian Empires, the Borg, and many others. They are all bowing to the floor in front of Marrissa and they all have signs attached to their backs that read: "We were beaten by a bunch of kids."] Did I mention I'm the founder of the Kid's Crew And the future queen of Essex too? Did you know that I'm just getting started? And you might say I'm just a bit ambitious for my age. For me, things couldn't get much cooler! And I will fight to keep my place at front and center stage... If only I could rule the rulers! And all I really want is fascination With all the Fleet will let me do. And all I really want is domination. [Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.] And what I wouldn't give for more authority To lord it over all I see! And what I wouldn't give to reach divinity! [Insert bone-grating Alanis banshee wail here.] [As the music fades out, Mike removes his blond wig and stands up again.] CROW: Mike ... there are no words to describe how disturbing that was. But personally, I think that both of you are really giving Ratliff too much of a hard time. I think he deserves some sympathy! MIKE & TOM: Huh?!? CROW: That's right! And on that note ... hit it, Cambot! [Familiar sounding bongo drums play the intro as Crow sings this song to the tune of the Rolling Stones' "Sympathy For The Devil."] Please allow me to introduce myself; A Comp Sci diploma is my goal. I've been around for over twenty years, Crushed many a man's mind and soul. I hung around on a.s.c., Then I figured it was time for a change, 'Cause far too many of the characters Were of post-adolescent age. Pleased to meet you! Hope you guessed my name! But let me tell you how I Rose to fanfic fame.... I watched an episode called "Disaster," Then created a disaster of my own! I took the kids and gave them attitudes And left them unchaperoned. Then I made sure the Kid's Crew Found enough plot holes to see them through! Pleased to meet you! Hope you guessed my name! I posted "Enterprized," and things were Never quite the same! [Mike and Tom start singing "Woo woo!" at this point.] Now Marrissa's such a pushy girl, But I think she's really pretty keen! If I have my way, she'll draw admiral's pay At the ripe old age of sixteen. Let me please introduce myself, I'm a Comp Sci student by trade. I'll pick a problem that adults can't solve, And have Marrissa fix it right away! Pleased to meet you! Hope you guessed my name! I try for epic tales, but my Writing is so lame! Yes, all my villains are idiots, And all my heroes tots! Hey, at this point, just call me Ratliff, 'Cause I'm in need of better plots! So if you meet me, have some empathy, Have some courtesy, and some tact! It could be worse, just think what I could do With a sitcom writing contract! Pleased to meet you! Hope you guessed my name! Yes, Stephen Ratliff's my name, and Verbal torture's my game! [After a couple more "Woo woo!"s, cut to commercial sign with the "Woo woo!"s and the music playing while the MST3K logo is on screen.] ======================= Part 3/4 ===================================== [return from commercials] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 7 - New >> Date: 15 Oct 1996 16:13:09 GMT >> Organization: Radford University [Mike and bots enter theater.] >> Lines: 101 >> Message-ID: <540d6l$jpb@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> MIKE: Well, that was fun. CROW: Yeah, remind me to burn all my Alanis Morissette CD's when this is over.... >> >> DS9 >> Premier Maquis >> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission >> part 7 >> Disclaimer in part 1 ALL: [singing] Dis claim is bound for glory, dis claim.... >> other parts available at: >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html >> >> Chapter Six >> >> The Stargazer looped around the Maquis raiders firing at whoever >> was closer. TOM: Maquis raiders and Federation fighters alike were blasted out of existence.... >> Every once in a while a torpedo would explode by a raider, >> courtesy of the Kid's crew of the Roanoke. CROW: Yes, *please* don't let us forget about them for even a moment, Stephen. MIKE: [female announcer voice] The white courtesy torpedoes are located on the starboard hull. >> Meanwhile Marrissa's red >> and blue wings, and Marrissa herself MIKE: ... who, being omnipotent, didn't require a fighter or a spacesuit to fly through space. >> pursued targets among the raiders, >> sowing confusion where ever they went. TOM: Much like Ratliff does with his stories. >> Then suddenly, the Stargazer took on the appearance of a >> collision course, full impluse. CROW: But actually it was a well-disguised full retreat! >> "Separation in 10 ... 9 ..." Closer >> and faster they went. Collision emanate. "6 ... 7 ..." TOM: Which way is time flowing again? MIKE: Collisions began to emanate from the Stargazer! Nobody was really sure why or how.... >> On the Bridge of the Maquis Defiance, a.k.a. the Fearless, CROW: a.k.a. the Wackiest Ship in the Maquis! >> the >> operations officer announced, "The Stargazer is on a collision course. >> Impact in ten seconds." >> "Evasive," Eddington got out, too late for the helmsman to >> respond. MIKE: [as helmsman] Duh, got to wait for duh command before I move duh ship. >> On the screen, the sideways ship closed, then suddenly the warp >> engines pealed off. TOM: Peals of laughter emanate from the readers as Ratliff botches yet another homonym. >> The saucer itself stopped. The warp pairs made >> organized strikes down the sides of the Intrepid Class Maquis vessel, MIKE: Management Unfair! TOM: Better working conditions! CROW: Longer coffee breaks! >> as >> the crew continued to stare. The saucer then made a corkscrew turn back >> toward the Roanoke, righting itself and tossing a volley of torpedoes at >> the Fearless, almost absentmindedly. MIKE: [absentmindedly] Think I'll send a few megatons of destruction in that direction. Hope I hit an enemy or something.... >> "Shields at 50 percent," the tactical officer announced. >> "Follow the saucer," Eddington ordered. TOM: [as Eddington] Leave the dish and the spoon for the raiders! >> "We'll see if we can >> retrieve our strike team before we leave." >> CROW: [as Eddington] We need them at the Detroit plants on Sunday! >> Meanwhile, Marrissa's two wings of fighters were after the >> eleven remaining raiders. She and Lieutenant Matt Grubb (blue wing's >> commanding officer) were busy directing their forces. TOM: "'Marrissa's Massacre XXIV,' scene 5, take 1. Action!" >> "Picard to Red >> two, watch your back." MIKE: [as Red Two] I can't. I'm too busy watching the enemy ships! >> "I see him, Commander." CROW: Luke! Pull up! >> "Red four to Red five, you've got a tail" MIKE: [as Red Five] Well, sure, so do all Caitians, but why bring it up now? Species-centric thinking is outlawed in the 24th Century! >> "I can't shake him." CROW: Cover me, Porkins! TOM: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Ratliff has seen Star Wars a few times. >> "Picard to Red Three, Four, Six, relieve Five of his tail. TOM: Ensign Gekko will grow a new one in a few days, anyway. >> I'll be joining you." >> Marrissa turned her fighter from the raider she had been >> following toward the raider causing Red Five trouble. She noted this >> course would cause her to pass between the secondary hull saucer of the >> Nebula class starship. CROW: ... between the hull ... and what?? >> As she closed, she noticed that the Maquis >> raider in question's rear shields were lit up like a firefly. MIKE: [as Marrissa] Saaaaaaayyyyy.... Check out the rear shields on *that* raider! Rrrroooowwww.... >> She >> crossed the saucer of the Roanoke and came out in front of the raider >> and fired her two mini-torpedoes and phasers. That was the last of the >> raider, CROW: [as Marrissa] Another infidel falls before my wrath! >> as it exploded and Red Three, Four, and Six peeled out of the >> cloud of expanding gas that it left behind. >> "Black Leader to Fighter Commander," Dar Ducat's voice came. TOM: Go ahead, Louis Farrakhan. >> "Black and Green joining up. Where do you want us?" >> "Black odds take raider five," Marrissa began "Black even, >> raider six, Green odd, seven, CROW: Wow, it's a good thing those Maquis raiders all have bright red numbers painted on their hulls. TOM: Yeah. >> Green even, eight, Red even reassigned to >> nine, Red odd, four, leaders assist as necessary your wings." MIKE: Ratliff, adjust as necessary your syntax. CROW: I'd lay even odds that nobody gives a crap about all these assignments. TOM: I think Marrissa's plan is to confuse all the fighter pilots and make them crash into each other, so that she can take all the credit for the inevitable victory. >> "Blue two to Commander, raider two is gone." >> "Take raider ten Blue even. Leaders take raider eleven. TOM: Muppets, take Manhattan! CROW: Steve Miller, take the money and run! >> Let's >> clear these guys out." MIKE: Well guys, once again Marrissa is directing a vastly superior force to mercilessly obliterate her foes. TOM: One of the constants that brings order to the Ratliverse, you know. >> >> Three fighters on each Maquis Raider left little that the Maquis >> could do, as raider after raider found itself losing. MIKE: Yeah, Oakland's really been struggling this year. >> Meanwhile the >> Defiance was trying to avoid the two warp pairs of the Stargazer. TOM: ... until it could respond with at least a three of a kind. >> Unable to close on the Roanoke, MIKE: ... the Defiance decided to look for another ship with a lower asking price in a better neighborhood. >> the Defiance hit warp, exiting with the >> warp pairs following. One by one, the raiders either followed suit or CROW: ... took the trick with a trump card? >> were destroyed. >> The saucer, confined to impluse, TOM: ... felt awkward and lonely as it was left behind by its faster classmates.... >> took up guard above the >> Roanoke. The red and blue wings returned to the fighter bay, by >> Commander Picard's orders. The remaining wings took up station below >> the Roanoke. >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard returned to the bridge. CROW: What, don't we get another thrilling stair-climbing scene?! >> "Status, Duvek?" she asked, as he yielded command to her. >> "The warp pairs are still after the Maquis vessel," Duvek began. >> "No sign of any additional Maquis. Ship is secure." TOM: Battle sequences are plagiarized. >> "Excellent, hail the Roanoke," Marrissa ordered. CROW: "Excellent"? Weird name for a communications officer.... >> Kerstin >> Szustakowski appeared once again TOM: ... in her one-woman show: "My Life as a Kid's Crew Officer and Mistress of the Universe." >> from her classroom. "Kerstin, I must >> compliment you on the photon torpedo trick." >> "Thank you Commander," Kerstin blushed. >> "I think it's time to get rid of that occupation you're >> suffering," Marrissa replied. CROW: [as Marrissa] Your new occupation is ship's janitor. TOM: What about *our* suffering? >> "Would you mind if I removed them from >> the Bridge and Engineering of your ship?" TOM: With wording like that, Ratliff can easily get a job translating Japanese instructions if his computer career doesn't pan out.... >> "Those uninvited guests? Take them," Kerstin said, relieved. CROW: Take my Maquis invaders. Please! >> "Just get someone over here to see to the Medical needs of my crew. The >> adults have been out for half a shift now." MIKE: The adults have *effectively* been out since "Enterprized." >> "Doctor Johnson will be over shortly," Marrissa replied. >> "Stargazer out." CROW: [as Kerstin] Make sure he brings the Snoopy Band-Aids and the chewable children's aspirin! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author MIKE: And now, the list of the author's titles and accomplishments.... >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. >> >> >> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 8 MIKE: Over halfway home, guys. I think we've learned how to pace ourselves to survive these Ratliffs. >> Date: 23 Oct 1996 02:03:33 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 151 >> Message-ID: <54judl$jli@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: zazu.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> DS9: Premier Maquis >> A Marrissa Story TOM: Those three words still send a chill up your spine, though. MIKE: They sure do. >> A Stargazer Mission >> by Stephen Ratliff >> part 8 >> >> parts available on the web at: >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html >> A Repost of parts 1-7 will follow. Comments requested. CROW: No! NOOO!!! He's going to show us the first half *AGAIN*!!!! AHHHHHHH...WHATSINSCOULDABOTCOMMITINASINGLELIFETIME.... [In a panic, Crow runs back and forth in front of the screen.] AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MIKE: Crow! Calm down! We don't *know* yet if Forrester is sending us the repost! >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. CROW: [beginning to calm down, sees this last line and starts running again] AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! TOM: [to Mike] So, what are we gonna do if this *is* a repost? MIKE: I brought a cyanide tablet. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) TOM: Mike, promise me you'll rip out my optical sensors before you swallow that tablet? MIKE: You know I will, Tom. TOM: Thanks.... >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. >> >> Chapter Seven MIKE: There. See, Crow? CROW: [puff puff] ... are ... are we safe? MIKE: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but we survived the repost crisis anyway.... >> >> Captain's Log >> USS Stargazer NCC-2893 >> Stardate 51381.89 >> Captain T'Gwen Washington commanding. >> ... After defending the Roanoke, we chased the Intrepid class >> vessel stolen by the Maquis into the badlands. Unfortunately, we lost >> them in a plasma storm. I and Glinn Gusat returned to the saucer and >> docked. ALL: Saaaaay! >> Lieutenant Commander Picard had, in our absence, retaken the >> bridge and other occupied areas of the Roanoke. CROW: ... in a very dramatic and action-packed scene that we don't feel like showing you. MIKE: [as T'Gwen] The security personnel we sent over may have fired a shot or two, but it was really Marrissa's doing, pretty much! >> Doctor Johnson has >> filled our sickbay, and theirs with the Roanoke's comatose crew. He >> believes they will recover without ill effect within 48 hours, but >> recommends a week's recovery period. TOM: Ironically, after being out cold for hours, they need rest! >> Per Picard's recommendation, I have left young Szustakowski in >> command of the Roanoke. CROW: Like Marrissa would ever recommend anything else! TOM: [as T'Gwen] I was going to object to such a nonsensical idea, but Marrissa used some odorless, invisible gas on me which destroyed my logical abilities and rendered me a soulless vehicle for her ambitions. >> We are returning to Deep Space Nine with much >> to ponder. MIKE: Why did our last battle resemble so closely the fighter sequences from "Star Wars"? TOM: Why do untrained children wind up in command so *bloody* often? CROW: Who put the "bop" in the "bop-she-bop-she-bop"...? ALL: [singing] Who put the "ram" in the "ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong"...? >> >> Marrissa, Doctor Johnson, Ross and Kathy Lochard, and Lieutenant >> Lavelle were in Seven Slightly Starboard TOM: Mike, please, I'm begging you. Kill me now. Have mercy, man! MIKE: Oh, I can't do that, Servo! Remember what Nietzsche said, "Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger." TOM: Yeah, but Nietzsche never had to read eleven Ratliff stories! >> playing poker. "What I don't >> get is how the Maquis took the Fearless," Ross commented, dealing out >> the final cards. "Your bid Lavelle." CROW: I'll raise see your Lavelle and raise you two Lochards.... >> "Five," Lavelle opened. "Their has to have been someone in their >> command crew who helped them." >> "I'll see you and raise you 10," Kathy responded. "But all the >> command crew sans the doctor were left behind. >> "So the doctor did it," Lavelle replied. TOM: No, he was framed by The Master. MIKE: How does that go? "Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however implausible, must be Ratliff"? >> "I don't think so," Doctor Johnson commented. "We don't have >> that much access. I fold." TOM: I spindle! CROW: I mutilate! >> "Then the agent stayed behind," Lavelle suggested. >> "I'm going to have to shoot that one down, Sam," Marrissa said. >> "See you and raise you twenty." >> "Too rich for me," Ross folded. MIKE: [as Ross] I'm trying to lose a few pounds, you know how it is.... >> "I have to agree with you on >> one point, Sam. Someone had to have lots of clearance to pull that one >> off." CROW: One low-hanging bridge would have ruined the whole thing.... TOM: You know, if I ever see Marrissa taking up chess and the next day beating grand-masters, I think I'll just end it all. >> "You mean they didn't just take her like they tried to do to the >> Roanoke," Kathy queried. >> "The ship was functioning too good for that to be the case," >> Ross stated. MIKE: What? They warped in, sat there, took a pounding for a while, then warped out again. >> "That's what I thought," Lavelle confirmed. "I'll see and raise >> 20." >> "I fold," Kathy responded. "If not the command crew then who?" CROW: Horton? TOM: "If not now, then when?" >> "I'll see your 20, Sam, and raise you 30," Marrissa called. "I >> have a couple suspicions on that." >> "Oh?" Sam Lavelle responded. "Who? I'll see you and raise you >> 40." MIKE: Thrill as the Stargazer poker club pulls out all the stops in a no-holds-barred bidding frenzy! TOM: Wow, somebody's going to leave this game *completely* stripped of all their meaningless little hunks of plastic. >> "Admiral Ellis," Marrissa answered. "I see you and raise you >> 50." >> "Ellis? really Marrissa," Kathy remarked. CROW: Wow! Admiral Ellis is really Marrissa? This changes everything! >> "Yeah, what have you got against him?" Ross asked. CROW: [as Marrissa] Oh, nothing much. Just a few compromising pictures of Ellis and a Denebian sand goat. Wanna see? >> "I fold," Lavelle said. >> Marrissa pulled in the pot and replied, TOM: [as Marrissa] This is only for medical purposes. I don't inhale. >> "He failed to send a >> rescue party to the Roanoke when Kerstin requested one." >> "That sounds like a good enough reason," Doctor Johnson >> concurred. "Is anyone charging him?" CROW: No, they're paying cash for him. >> "I've asked the JAG office to look into the matter," Marrissa >> responded. MIKE: [as Marrissa] But they kept trying to sell me a luxury car, so I'm going to try something else. >> "Well gentlemen, I've got Alpha shift tomorrow, so I'll be >> going now." CROW: So I guess that makes Marrissa the alpha bi.... MIKE: [sets his hand on Crow's shoulder] Uh uh. >> "Quitting while your ahead, I see," Ross Lochard stated. >> "Always, Lieutenant, first rule of tactics," Marrissa smiled. ALL: [great peals of laughter] MIKE: What would Sun Tzu or von Clausewitz say to that one? TOM: Sure, give up while you've got an advantage and give the enemy a chance to catch up. Good rule, Marrissa! >> "And don't get too loud tonight, my room is right on the other side of >> that wall." MIKE: [as Marrissa] No fun of any kind is allowed on my ship unless I'm personally involved! CROW: Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. >> >> Former Star Fleet Lieutenant Ro Laren sat in the brig of the >> Roanoke. She wondered why she always took the hard assignments. TOM: Differential equations, quantum field theory, organic chemistry.... MIKE [as Ro] I guess I nevah... EVAH... do anything NICE and EASY! [singing] Rollin'! Rollin'! Rollin' down the riiiii-vaaaaahhh!!! CROW: [shudders] Mike, that was scary enough the first time.... TOM: But at least he's not wearing that outfit. >> Taking >> a Nebula class starship, who ever had put that on the assignment list >> must have been insane. Never the less she had signed up for it. TOM: Things to do today: Do laundry. Buy milk. Hijack a Starfleet warship. CROW: [as Ro] Steal a starship?! Who put *that* in the syllabus? >> Now >> she wa