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< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
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"Dirk Dangerous" and a spam, by David Hines and a spammer
MSTing by Shay Caron
Part 3 of 3: "FREE ADVERTISING FOR YOUR BUSINESS, PRODUCT, SERVICE, OR MONEY-
MAKING OPPORTUNITY!! -- REACH "MILLIONS" - ABSOLUTELY FREE -
WITH OUR AMAZING, NEW USER-FRIENDLY EMAIL SOFTWARE!" (whew)
[ INT SOL ]
[ creepy violin music ]
CROW: [ deep echoing voice ] Now it's time for... Tom's... Tales... of...
Suspense!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha...
TOM: One time... I was wearing some new pants... but they were too loose!
[ He imitates dramatic music ] Dah na na nah! So I looked for a couple
of belts... and I attached all four ends... Dah na na nah! To my pants!
Dah na na, na na, na na nah! And... [ the music stops ] Oh, I forgot!
This is one of Tom's Tales of Suspenders! Ha ha ha! Never mind.
[fade out...fade in]
GYPSY: Got a problem? I'm listening.
MIKE: [ singing ] The kids at school don't like me!
CROW: Bobo says I smell!
MIKE: The teachers say I'm lazy!
TOM: Sometimes I wanna YELL!!
MIKE, TOM, CROW: Gypsy! Can you help me?
GYPSY: Sure, just tell old Gypsy. Now, what's your problem?
MIKE: This jumpsuit's really itchy!
TOM: My underwear's too tight!
CROW: No one understands me!
GYPSY: Yeah, right.
TOM: [ spoken ] Now it's time for Gypsy's helpful hints.
[ Cambot focuses on Mike and Gypsy. ]
MIKE: Here's a caller with a question.
GYPSY: Go ahead, caller.
CALLER 1: [ female ] Uh, my name's Sally Nelson. [ Mike jumps. ] I'm seeing
this guy, but he's kind of a jerk. What should I do?
GYPSY: Hmm. Well, I think Bobo's available.
MIKE: What in the... Gypsy!
CALLER 1: Good idea!
GYPSY: No problem.
MIKE: Aargh.
GYPSY: Who's next?
CALLER 2: [ male ] Um, Gypsy? My house is on fire. What should I do?
TOM: [ hovers on-screen ] Oh, I'll field this one. If your house is on fire,
quietly hang up your phone, put on your shoes and RUN!! YOUR HOUSE IS ON
FIRE!! RUN LIKE THE DICKENS!!
CALLER 2: OK. Thanks, Tom.
TOM: My pleasure.
GYPSY: Any other callers?
CALLER 3: [ a very familiar voice ] Uh, I'm interested in this girl, but my
best friend likes her too, and she's obsessed with Richard Basehart.
How can I get her to be interested in me?
[ A short pause; Gypsy turns to the right, where we see Crow holding the WWII
phone. ]
GYPSY: Crow, it's you, isn't it?
CROW: Heh-heh. Oops.
[ The Mads Sign flashes. ]
MIKE: [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Your call, Gyps.
GYPSY: Mmm... GET HIM!!
[ A merry chase begins. ]
[ CF ]
PEARL: [ still behind the boxes ] Well, your next literarery feast has no
title; it's a spam E-mail describing a program that lets you *send*
spam E-mails. I think--are you listening to me?
[ SOL ]
MIKE: [ rushes on-screen ] Oh, sure. Keep talking. [ rushes off ]
[ CF ]
PEARL: I hate you. Bite down hard.
[ SOL ]
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
ALL: [ none on-screen ] Aaugh! We got Spam-Encouraging Spam Sign!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> FREE
CROW: That is, if you disregard the costs and stuff.
> ADVERTISING FOR YOUR BUSINESS, PRODUCT,
> SERVICE, OR MONEY-MAKING OPPORTUNITY!!
MIKE: Oh, please tell me that this is not--
>
> REACH "MILLIONS" - ABSOLUTELY FREE - WITH OUR
> AMAZING, NEW USER-FRIENDLY EMAIL SOFTWARE!
ALL: Aaargh!!
MIKE: [ resigned to his fate ] Software to assist spammers.
CROW: [ same ] Spam *selling* software to assist spammers.
TOM: [ ditto ] Pie.
MIKE, CROW: Huh?
>
>
> Dear Friend,
CROW: Yeah, just bite me.
>
> Are you ready to learn how you can create an immediate "cash-flow
> explosion"?
CROW: I'm ready to learn how I can create an immediate "spammer explosion".
Does that count?
>
> Would you like to know how I've totally eliminated most of my advertising &
> marketing costs in one of my businesses - and how YOU can do the same?!?
TOM: Would you like to know my recipe for clam chowder?
>
> Are you ready to absolutely . . . .
>
> BLOW YOUR COMPETITION OUT OF THE WATER!
MIKE: That sounds vaguely dirty.
>
> If so, I have some very, very exciting news for you!
>
> But first, let me ask you a few questions about your business . . .
MIKE: Unless you count being trapped on a satellite, no, I have no business.
>
> Does the high cost of advertising prevent your business from really taking
> off and
> going to the next level?
MIKE: Well, it's a satellite; the only thing that prevents it from taking off
is gravity.
>
> Does it sometimes create a major strain on your cash flow?
TOM: What cash flow? Are we supposed to get money?
>
> And if you're a NEW business, the high cost sure does make it tough just
> "getting
> off the ground", doesn't it?
CROW: Why quotes around that but not around "going to the next level"?
>
> Let's face it. Marketing and advertising is the lifeblood of your business.
CROW: And did CC ever advertise us? Not even under threat of death!
MIKE: Careful of the fourth wall, Crowbie.
> It
> makes or breaks you. And unfortunately, its usually the most costly thing a
> business pays for.
TOM: Next to food, and heating, and, um, everything?
>
> Do you know why more than 90% of all businesses fail? They're
> undercapitalized.
> In other words,
MIKE: Silly break!
CROW: Apple cobbler!
MIKE: Frog deodorant!
TOM: Jumbo highlighter!
> NO MONEY FOR MARKETING!
TOM: I was gonna say that.
>
> It's a BIG, BIG PROBLEM.
CROW: In CAPITAL LETTERS.
>
> UNTIL NOW!
ALL: Aaugh!
> . . . .
>
> If you could "wipe out"
ALL: Eeeewww!!
> most of your advertising costs, and still be able
> to reach
> not thousands . . . but "millions" of potential customers - absolutely FREE
> -
MIKE: Look, the dash is lonely.
> would you be interested in finding out HOW?
CROW: No!
>
> I thought you would.
CROW: Hey! You're twisting my words!!
>
> Hi, my name is Bill Guting, and I'm an Entrepreneur and Direct Marketing
> Expert.
CROW: As in "I still live in my parents' house."
> What I'm about to reveal to you can turn your business into a predictable,
TOM: What fun is predictable?
MIKE: Beats me.
TOM: Predictable is just plain *chicken-butt*!
MIKE, CROW: Wha?
TOM: Ha ha ha! Ho boy!
> turnkey,
> money-making machine - literally overnight! At virtually ZERO COST! Just
> like its
> doing for me and hundreds of others.
MIKE: I'm guessing a grammar checker isn't included in the deal.
>
> REACH MILLIONS OF PEOPLE - ABSOLUTELY FREE!
>
> Let's cut to the chase.
CROW: As opposed to the cheese.
> What I'm talking about here is an amazing new piece
> of
ALL: CRAP!!
> software called NetContact - that allows you to send Email messages (your
> sales
> message) to thousands and thousands of people - EVERY SINGLE HOUR!
ALL: NOOOO!!
> And yes
> -
> absolutely FREE!
>
> Amazing, huh?
MIKE: More like "horrible".
> I'm telling you, direct Emailing with NetContact will become
> your #1
> form of advertising, and without a doubt . . . .
>
TOM: A Lyle Lovett haircut!
> YOUR ULTIMATE CASH FLOW GENERATOR!
TOM: I was gonna say that!
CROW: Sure.
TOM: I should get half-credit 'cause I was going to say that.
CROW: Sure.
>
> So let me tell you more . . . .
>
> HERE ARE SOME UNIQUE NETCONTACT FEATURES THAT MAKE IT THE ULTIMATE MARKETING
> TOOL:
>
> * Emailing is FREE!
CROW: Except for log-on times.
> Your only "operating" expense is a special internet
> connection,
CROW: D'oh.
> which as a client you'll get full details on. The cost is only
> about
> $21 a week!
>
MIKE: * It freshens your breath and whitens your teeth as you sleep!
> * NO POSTAGE & MAILING COSTS
TOM: Isn't that the same thing as the first one?
> - The last 1000 piece direct mailing I did cost
> me
> $642. Emailing that same 1000 or even 1,000,000 pieces now costs me
> NOTHING!
>
> * NO PRINTING OR MATERIAL COSTS
TOM: Hey, you said that already! E-mail is free!
> - On another 1000 piece mailing campaign, my
> 4-page
> sales letter cost me $100 in print charges, with the envelopes costing
> another $40.
> Those days are gone!
MIKE: Finito! Kaput! Kapow! Blammo! Boom!
> Emailing eliminates all of that!
>
> * YOU CAN SEND UP TO 10,000 MESSAGES - EVERY SINGLE HOUR! I don't recommend
> it
> though - unless
CROW: You enjoy being flamed to within an inch of your life.
> you're really prepared to handle a flood of responses,
> inquiries &
> real SALES!
>
> * PERSONALIZED MESSAGES - NetContact can actually address your prospective
> customers by their first and last name.
TOM: Oh, whoop-de-crap! I can do that!
> Just think how your sales can
> explode when
> prospects receive an Email message that looks like you wrote it specifically
> for
> them! Believe me, personalized messages are 100 times more likely to get
MIKE: Tossed in the trash.
> read.
> And to my knowledge, No other Email software on the market has this feature!
>
> * INSTANT SALES - Once you send your Email, the recipient gets it about 60
> seconds
> later.
TOM: And flames arrive 30 seconds after that!
> Just imagine . . . if you wanted to Email 10,000 people, you could
> actually have inquiries, people calling you, or even flat-out sales, WELL
> BEFORE
> YOU EVEN FINISH MAILING!
CROW: Provided you send all of them to people who *enjoy* receiving ads
online, like the civilization on Planet Kumquat.
> If you did direct mail, you'd have to wait 6-10
> days for
> your first response! NO MORE WAITING! TIME IS MONEY!
TOM: What is this?
MIKE: A clock?
TOM: And what does it tell us?
MIKE: Time, sir?
TOM: And how do we get one, hmm?
MIKE: Go to a clock store?
TOM: And?!
MIKE: Buy one?
TOM: WITH?!
MIKE: Money, sir?
TOM: EXACTLY!!
CROW: The "Rocko's Modern Life" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
>
> * BUILD TARGETED LISTS IN ANY CATEGORY
CROW: "Royal Blunders" for $300, Alex.
> - NetContact can create lists in any
> category from the online services and the internet. Want to target home
> based
> businesses?
MIKE: I'd rather target Roger Corman.
> You can do it. Cooking enthusiasts?
TOM: How about Torgo?
> No problem. How about a
> list of
> Multi-level Marketers?
CROW: Yeah! Spam those jerks out of existence!
> I'll tell you, there's a virtual goldmine of names
> available in this category! My friend, the possibilities are endless.
TOM: Except for the end, of course.
> YOU'LL
> NEVER HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER MAILING LIST EVER AGAIN!
>
> *LIGHTNING FAST - You can download up to 15,000 Email addresses an hour!
ALL: Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
>
> * AMAZINGLY SIMPLE TO USE - I'm not a computer guy, but I was up and running
> the
> very first day I got it. Actually, the very first hour! It's TOTALLY DUMMY
CROW: You could stop there and it'd be even more accurate.
> PROOF!
CROW: Eh, your loss.
> (forgive the term, you know what I mean - it's simple!)
>
> * MINIMUM COMPUTER REQUIREMENTS MAKE IT HIGHLY COMPATIBLE - NetContact is
> compatible with Windows 3.1, Windows 3.11, Windows 95, and Windows NT.
TOM: Yeah, bite me, Win-boy!
> It'll even
> run on a MacIntosh
TOM: Oh.
> with Softwindows installed.
TOM: Hey!
> You only need 8 megabytes of
> RAM,
> and a hard drive with at least 2 megabytes free and a 386 or better
> processor.
MIKE: And a candy bar. The program won't run unless you give it a candy bar.
> The
> only other thing you need is a special internet connection to send Email to
> the
> lists you build.
MIKE: And a candy bar. Did I say that already?
> Cost? Only $21 a week!
>
> * NO HARD WORK - Just click "send" and NetContact does the rest -
> AUTOMATICALLY.
TOM: YAY.
>
> * BUILT-IN NEWSREADER - You don't need to purchase ANY other software.
> Everything
> is built-in.
>
> * BUILT-IN EMAILER
CROW: It's like, built in or some junk.
> CUTS OUT MANUAL LABOR - Once you download the addresses,
> all you
> do is press "send" and then walk away.
TOM: As quickly as possible; it explodes when it tries to send.
> NetContact does all the work. NO
> CUTTING &
> PASTING like with other programs - which could take you HOURS of additional
> work.
CROW: When John_-_Winston turns to spamming.
>
> * AUTOMATICALLY AND EASILY REMOVE UNWANTED ADDRESSES & DUPLICATE NAMES -
> Press a
> couple of buttons and you're done!
MIKE: Should we be pushing the program's buttons? I'd think that'd be
dangerous.
>
> ARE YOU READY TO CREATE AN IMMEDIATE "CASH FLOW EXPLOSION",
> WIPE OUT MOST OF YOUR ADVERTISING COSTS, AND BLOW
> YOUR COMPETITION OUT OF THE WATER?!?
CROW: That still sounds dirty.
>
> Direct Emailing is a radically
TOM: Dude.
> new and cost-effective way of marketing your
> product, service, or money-making opportunity.
>
> Imagine . . .
CROW: OK, now stop imagining!
> at the click of a button, NetContact will enable you to send
> your
> sales material to thousands - even millions of hungry
MIKE: Man frozen dinners!
> prospects - for FREE!
>
> How quickly can you start getting some action?
CROW: Heeey, all of a sudden I like this!
> Listen to this: Don't be
> surprised
> if you start getting calls, inquiries, and even orders WHILE YOU'RE STILL E
> MAILING!!!
TOM: Attack of the WWF announcers.
>
> You see, transmission takes about 2 seconds.
MIKE: Which fits right in with that "getting some action" line!
CROW: Mike!!
MIKE: I meant you can get responses quickly if you send quickly. What did you
think I meant?
CROW: Umm...
MIKE: Ha! Gotcha!
CROW: Hey!!
> That's right. You can kiss
> direct
> mail, high postage costs, and slow 6-10 day responses goodbye - FOREVER!
>
> And you know what else?
TOM: *Chicken butt*! Ha ha ha ha! Hah! Oh man!
> You'll NEVER run out of names to Email to! Right
> now,
> there are . . .
>
> 40,000,000 PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET!
MIKE: And 40 with actual brain cells.
CROW: More if you count RATTMers.
>
>
> And there are more people "getting online"
TOM: Oh, so that's what the youngsters are calling it these days?
> every single day. In fact, one
> source I
> read said 1.0 million new people are joining the internet EVERY SINGLE
> MONTH!
MIKE: Not just 1 million, but 1.0 million!
>
> By the time you get through all the existing leads, there will be another
> 40,000,000 brand new leads for you to mail to. That's gotta get you
> excited!
ALL: [ obviously uninterested ] Woooo.
CROW: Go Packers.
MIKE: Woooo.
>
> NetContact can get you all the addresses you'll ever need from the following
> sources:
>
> 1) INTERNET NEWSGROUPS - NetContact has its own newsgroup reader - BUILT IN.
TOM: Not just built in, but BUILT IN!
> All
> you have to do is decide which groups you want addresses from, thereby
> TARGETING
CROW: The AUTHOR of this E-MAIL for a QUICK and PAINFUL DEATH!
> your lists, and press GO! IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!
>
> 2) INTERNET MISCELLANEOUS FILE - If you download a webpage or other internet
> document that has Email addresses in it, NetContact can get every single one
> of
> those addresses for you.
MIKE: [ British accent ] Would you like me to retrieve those addresses for
you, guv'nor?
>
> 3) COMPUSERVE MEMBER DIRECTORY - There are approximately 5 million members
> and
> growing on Compuserve.
TOM: And NetContact knows every single one of them! You can't escape! Muwaha-
hahahahaha!!!
> You can get them all! And get this: You'll even be
> able
> to collect addresses sorted by city, state, etc. - thereby TARGETING
MIKE: D'oh! That again!
TOM: He really likes the word "target", doesn't he?
MIKE: No, not "target", but "TARGET".
> you
> lists.
>
> 4) COMPUSERVE CLASSIFIED ADS - You can easily target
TOM: There's that word again!
MIKE: Cambot, if you please?
[ Cambot displays a score in the lower left corner of the screen: "TARGET
Count: 5." ]
> your list since
> Compuserve has
> many, many categories
CROW: "Clown Hammers".
TOM: "Infected Ketchup".
MIKE: "Combustible Migraines".
> in their classified ad section. In addition, you'll
> find
> these people very responsive
ALL: [ cough, cough, ahem ]
> to your Email messages since they check their
> Email
> often because of their ads.
TOM: Yeah, the ads leap off the paper, drag the people to the computer, log
them on, and force them to read their mail.
>
> 5) COMPUSERVE FORUM PROFILES - Thousands and thousands of addresses are
> available
> in the profiles in each forum. Compuserve has thousands of forums.
MIKE: Thousands and thousands of thousands?
CROW: Bill-yuns and bill-yuns of addresses!
>
> 6) COMPUSERVE FORUM MESSAGES - Thousands of addresses are available in the
> messages
> in each forum.
TOM: You said that already!!
>
> 7) COMPUSERVE FILE CABINET - You can get all Email addresses from your CIM
> File
> Cabinet.
CROW: Hey, that's cheating!
>
> 8) AMERICA ONLINE (AOL) MEMBER DIRECTORY - AOL has even more members than
> Compuserve - something like 8 million!
MIKE: But deceptively NOT.
> You can get all of them! In
> addition,
> you'll be able to sort by city, state, business type, computer type,
> hobbies, etc.
MIKE: [ British accent ] And so on and so on and so on...
> WOW! You'll really be able to TARGET
[ "TARGET Count: 6." ]
> your
> customers.
TOM: See? These costumes are a crock!
>
> 9) AMERICA ONLINE CLASSIFIED ADS - Just like Compuserve, you can sort
> addresses by
> many parameters
TOM:
> and get up to 15,000 addresses per hour!
>
> 10) AMERICAN ONLINE FORUMS - AOL has a ton of forums to choose from in all
> different kinds of subject areas, allowing you to create CUSTOMIZED
ALL: Yaagh!
> and
> TARGETED
ALL: Waargh!
[ "TARGET Count: 7." ]
> lists.
>
> 11) PRODIGY FORUMS - Though Prodigy "only"
CROW: Sucks on toast.
> has a little more than one
> million
> members,
CROW: He's a bit obsessed with his member, isn't he?
MIKE: I'm just going to ignore that one.
> that still means there are hundreds of thousands of Email addresses
> available to you!
>
> 12) DELPHI MEMBER DIRECTORY - You can search members by keyword, allowing
> very
> CUSTOMIZED and TARGETED
[ "TARGET Count: 8." ]
> lists. Again, you can pull thousands of addresses
> per
> hour.
MIKE: APH--the newest measure of Internet speed.
>
> 13) GENIE MEMBER DIRECTORY - This member directory is similar to
> Compuserve's.
> Very easy to get addresses.
CROW: Simple to talk in unfinished sentences.
MIKE: Desperate for riffs.
>
> 14) GENIE PROFILES - These profiles are similar to America Online's. Very
> easy to
> get addresses and TARGET
[ "TARGET Count: 9." ]
> your lists.
>
> 15) EUDORA MAILBOX - Important Email addresses from a mailbox like this
> could be
> used to maintain a
TOM: Recipe list!
CROW: FluffMUCK!
MIKE: Alphabet soup!
> client list, newsletter list, etc.
>
> 16) NETSCAPE MAILBOX - Same principle as the Eudora Mailbox.
CROW: Great.
TOM: Then why bother having a separate entry?
>
> 17) PEGASUS MAILBOX - Same principle as the Eudora Mailbox.
TOM: Same question as the Netscape Mailbox.
>
> 18) OTHER - This filter allows you to scan ANY text document on your
> computer for
> Email addresses.
MIKE: You can scan flames and send more E-mails to the flamers for spite!
> These text files contain classified ads, forum messages,
> or data
> from the member directory. Each of these files are FILLED
MIKE: Not just filled, but FILLED!
> with up to
> "millions" of
> Email addresses. YOU CAN GET THEM ALL!
>
> Amazing, huh?
ALL: NOOOO!!
>
> With NetContact giving you so many ways to get Email addresses, and the
> internet
> community growing by about 1 million people a month - YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE
> AN
> UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF PEOPLE TO EMAIL!!!
ALL: Stop shouting!!
>
> So, my friend . . . are you ready to start . . . .
>
> GETTING MORE CALLS IN ONE MONTH (OR WEEK)
> THAN YOU NOW GET IN A WHOLE YEAR?!?
TOM: No, I'm not!
>
> Imagine . . . sending out 10,000 marketing letters a day - which I don't
> recommend
> unless you're really prepared for it. Almost INSTANTLY
CROW: Thanks to a little help from the Amazing Rando!
> you'll be completely
> "swamped" with inquiries and sales. This is easy to do. You'll be deluged
> with
> inquiries, leads and real sales - using nothing but Email!!
>
> NETCONTACT PERSONALIZES YOUR MESSAGES
MIKE: Woo.
CROW: Woo.
TOM: Woo woo woo.
>
> Emailing is a lot like direct mail in that you're always trying to increase
> response rate. Well, this is my expertise. And the #1 way to do this is by
TOM: Covering your torso with peanut butter and slapping yourself in the face
with a melon rind.
> personalizing your messages.
>
> NetContact can actually slip in the first and last name of your prospect!
MIKE: Assuming you have the first and last name of your prospect. Many people
don't give those over the Internet.
CROW: I still think that sounds dirty.
> With
> this feature you actually don't need to mail to a bunch of people,
TOM: Now explain that logic to me.
> because
> this
> "personal touch"
CROW: Now that has to be--
MIKE: Will you just give it a rest?!
CROW: --the silliest term he's come up with yet.
> can literally increase your
> response rate by "ten fold"!
>
> Think about it. When you go through your mail, aren't you more likely to
> read the
> ones that look personalized and not like junk-mail?
TOM: Actually, I let my dragon take a look at it.
> I know I do! And you
> know
> what else? . . . .
MIKE: But wait! There's MORE!
CROW: Now how much would you pay?
>
> When you're sending personalized messages, it virtually ELIMINATES FLAMES!
TOM: Unless you're dealing with someone who has a brain.
> Getting
> "flamed" is a concern some people have. Let me explain.
CROW: You should not "stick" your "hand" into a "flame". It "hurts".
>
> You see, there are some internet veterans out there who don't appreciate
> getting
> Email sales messages. And to let you know, some may send you back an
> "unkind"
> note. In other words, a "flame".
>
> This will rarely happen though if your message looks like you took the time
> to
> write them personally.
>
> My friend, this one lone feature will become your very own SECRET WEAPON.
MIKE: Except that you're telling everyone about it.
> And
> NetContact is the ONLY Email software product on the market that has this
> feature.
> Start seriously thinking about getting your copy - BEFORE YOUR COMPETITON
> DOES!
[ They wait. ]
TOM: No addresses?
MIKE: I guess that's it.
TOM: Must've gotten corrupted halfway in or something.
CROW: Well, let's go.
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ INT SOL ]
MIKE: Well, before we go, we've got a song for y'all. Hit it! [ music starts
rolling ]
Who put the "bom" in the "bom-sh-bom-sh-bom",
Who put the "ram" in the "ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong",
CROW: Who put the "bom" in the "bom-sh-bom-sh-bom",
Who put the "ram" in the "ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong",
TOM: Who put the "Made" in the "Made in USA",
CROW: Who put the "ev" in "evolutionary theory",
MIKE: Who put the "pe" in the "periodic table",
TOM: Who put the "Pink" in the "Pink Pearl eraser",
CROW: Who put the "miss" in the "mission statement",
MIKE: Who put the "Og" in the "Ogre, Ogre",
CROW: Who put the "th-b" in the "th-b-b-b-p",
TOM: And whooo put the taaack in my chaaair?
CROW: Oh, that was me.
[ CF. Nothing's changed. ]
PEARL: All right, no more Cartoon Network for you guys. Bobo, what's with the
phone?
BOBO: I'm talking to Sally. [ apparently into the phone ] So, is Thursday all
right? I love Mexican food!
PEARL: You scare me. Oh, great, I stepped in something *else*!
[ Fade to black. ]
OBSERVER: My brain!!
PEARL: Eeeeewww!!
[ End theme music. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 3 (and the whole enchilada!)
Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com
-or-
gleemoth@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use
of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. These guys are great;
may they live forever.
"Dirk Dangerous" is (c) David Hines (and he's welcome to it). I'm not
repeating myself, so just see above. The spam e-mail is (c) the sender.
This MSTing is purely intended for entertainment and is not meant as an
insult. However, I hope no one buys that spam program. So there. Nyaah.
My MSTing of "Dirk Dangerous" and a spam was proofread by Dave "Dangerous"
Hines (can't remember his E-mail) and John Berry (berry@sugar-river.net),
who also helped with a couple of riffs. If there's anything wrong, blame
them.
Finally, thanks to the world for existing. Couldn't have done it without ya.
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Stinger:
> "Owwww!", cried Dirk in pain, luckily the hand wasn't broken.
> "Shug, that really hurt! What are these guys?"
> "That's what I was trying to tell you. They're Karagites."
> "Karagites?! What'd you go and let me do that for then?"
> "2 reasons. One, you wouldn't let me tell you, and two, it was
> pretty funny."
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