------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Dirk Dangerous" and a spam, by David Hines and a spammer MSTing by Shay Caron Part 1 of 3: "Dirk Dangerous, Space Hero", by Dave Hines [ In the not too distant future... Introduction theme music (Season 9). ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ Intermission- Satellite of Love. Mike has on a black ski mask, cut to show his mouth and chin, a yellow cape, and red bands on his wrists with yellow buttons. His jumpsuit is white. Crow is painted a dark shade of green, from head to (presumably) toe. He's wearing a blue vest and gloves. There's a cardboard ring around his waist. Tom is wearing a certain multicolored mask. He has red gloves and a black shirt with a blue X on it. ] MIKE: [ sounding suspiciously like the character he's imitating ] Hello, friendly readers! You caught us at a weird time. This is Crow-- CROW: [ same ] Yeah, yeah, whatever. MIKE: --Tom-- TOM: [ same ] HI!! MY NAME IS TOM SERVO!! See, my first name is Tom, and my last name is Servo, so when you put 'em together, you get Tom Servo! And that's my name! MIKE: --and I'm "Space" Mike Nelson. We just got done watching a 12-hour Cartoon Planet marathon, and the results are as you see. TOM: Did I mention I like pie? CROW: Hey, Tom? What do you get when you remove Crow T. Robot's brain? TOM: I dunno. A Crow with no brain? CROW: No. TOM: A bad-smelling noise? CROW: Nuh-uh. TOM: Then what? CROW: You get a smart Tom Servo! TOM: Har har har, hee hee, hoo... I don't get it. CROW: Oh, forget it. [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] MIKE: We'll be right back. Crow, be nice. TOM: A Tupperware party? CROW: No!! [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] [ INT SOL. Everyone still sounds the same as before. ] CROW: I think the effects of watching 24 episodes of Cartoon Planet are starting to wear off, Mike. I'm feeling less evil. MIKE: What do you think, Tom? TOM: Oh, definit--HI!! MY NAME IS TOM SERVO!! MIKE: D'oh. [ The Mads Sign flashes. ] Ah yes, it's our regular call from Lokar, Tansit, and Black Widow. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal- Thingy(tm). ] CROW: Greetings. Or something. [ Castle Forrester. All that can be seen on-screen are stacks and stacks of boxes. ] PEARL: [ unseen ] Oh, heya, Art. We're still kinda having trouble gettin' unpacked. I can't seem to find Bobo anywhere around-- BOBO: [ also unseen ] Owie owie owie! Someone kicked me in the nose! Ouchies! PEARL: Ah, there he is. [ shouts ] Hey, Brain Guy? Where are you? [ A box near the top of one stack falls over. ] OBSERVER: [ you guessed it--unseen ] Right here, madam. Where are you? PEARL: [ A column of boxes to the right shake a little. ] I'm over here, under the 7 boxes marked "Bobo's Grooming Tools". Anyway, let me tell you about today's first serving of dreck. It's entitled "Dirk Dangerous, Space Hero"; it's an unfinished story by one of your friends, Dave Hines. And no, I don't know which one. Brain Guy, can you move some of these--ick, I just stepped in something squishy! OBSERVER: Yuck, I stepped in it too! BOBO: Has anyone seen my lucky banana? I lost it last week. PEARL, OBSERVER: Eeeeeww!! [ SOL ] ALL: Ewww... [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] MIKE: Aaugh! We got Dirk Dangerous, Space Sign! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. Just a reminder; they'll be imitating the Cartoon Planet characters all through the MSTing. ] > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO MIKE: Oh, there's gonna be a lotta "Flint Ironstag" opportunities here. > An original serial by Dave "The Wizard" Hines ALL: Which one? > > Starsystem K11, Planet Kironius(K11 VI): Discovered in Spacedate > 4211 by the Interstarship Antarctic, this barely class M planet was > originally used as a "penal colony" of sorts for criminals > considered "unreformable" by law enforcement. TOM: Now that's a first line. CROW: Whatever happened to "Call me Ishmael"? > Former Interstellar > Republic Marine General Gale Kiron (aka Kiron the Infamous) CROW: aka "I AM KI-I-IRO-O-ON!!!" > began a > formal government after being imprisoned there for treason in 4293. MIKE: Man, the *really* distant future! > K11 VI was granted independence in 4313 and renamed Kironius in > Kiron's honor. CROW: Sounds like one of the newer elements on the Periodic Table. > Due to the harsh nature of the planet outside the > protective domes, and the abundant lawlessness inside, travel is > not recommened TOM: I recommened once. It was painful. I ended up breaking a leg. Well, a hoverskirt, at least. > by the Interstellar Republic Travel Society. -- > Bennett Intergalactic Informational Exchange CROW: Taken from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. TOM: PANIC!! No, that's not right... > > The black grime crunched beneath her feet. CROW: Or is *that* the first line? > She was wondering > why she'd ever come to this godforsaken place. A brief image of her > father passed before her eyes MIKE: D'oh! She's tripping out! > and she continued on. > Not long ago, she'd been Iridiscia Dracoon, ALL: [ snort ] TOM: Iridiscia Apollonia Fairy Dragon Starlight Pony Princess. Gimme a break! MIKE: Born at the Ren Fest, I presume? > heiress apparent to TOM: The Starlight Pony Princess empire. > the Dracoon fortune. Her father had built a corporate empire out of > what started out electomagnetic curiosities and ended up Mega > Drive. Her father had made into the 20 figures CROW: So he makes out with 20 girls who have good figures? MIKE: Get out of that rut. > selling Mega Drive > to the Republic and others, but 20 figures was not much in a galaxy TOM: Far, far away... > where 7 figures was considered poverty level. MIKE: Ooo, I'd like to be on welfare there! > It was enough for others to consider well worth any potential > risks, however, and the money led to TOM: The yellow brick road! > her father's kidnapping at the > hands of a terrorist organization. She grimaced as she recalled > those fools CROW: Those rodeo clowns. > on the board of directors, many of whom wouldn't have a > job without her father, refusing to pay the money. They'd claimed MIKE: [ fool ] We need the money for our jester costumes! > not wanting to give in to terrorism, but she knew better. > She was approaching her destination after what seemed like CROW: Minutes and minutes of walking! > endless walking through filthy streets while commoners hurled lewd > propositions at her. CROW: [ "suave" voice ] Beyond. TOM: [ "suave" voice ] Near. MIKE: [ "suave" voice ] About. TOM: Hey, wait, those are *prep*ositions! Hee hee! Got confused there! > "Kany's House O' Fem", the garish neon sign > blinked at her, while others displayed CROW: Are we going to want to see this? MIKE: Crow... > "Females of every species, > every age, TOM: Every flavor. MIKE: Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry pecan! > even nonsentient!". CROW: So, blondes too. MIKE: Crow, you're blond, in case you didn't notice. CROW: Aack! > She shuddered at the thought of the > normal clientele of this place, but the man she was looking for was > there only for ambience, so she had heard. ALL: Su-u-ure. > No sooner had she entered the place, than some intoxicated, > blue, 3 armed MIKE: Two headed? > being approached her and made incomprehensible > suggestions. CROW: Take off one arm, change the color, and that's Mike up there! MIKE: Hey! > She didn't understand the language, but she did > understand the being's general gist. MIKE: Hey, remember those GIST spams we made fun of? TOM: No! CROW: No. MIKE: Odd... me neither. > "Pardon me, I'm looking for -- Hey! Watch the hand, bucko!" CROW: [ Iridiscia ] Well, tentacle, anyway. > "Kraaga Noi! Grito tu jerbes harko?" TOM: Y'know, I read once that there's this robot named Gort, and when he gets mean, you can get rid of him by saying "Klaatu barada nikto". MIKE: What does that mean? TOM: It means "Klaatu has some milk and cookies waiting for you in his spaceship". That always makes Gort go away. > "Would you speak Standard by any chance?" > "Shubertes fvagio gredo huna!" TOM: Well, at least it's pronounceable. Sort of. I guess. > With that, the being began to > grope her. CROW: Eeeewww!! > "Hey! Hands off! I'm warning you, buddy!" She kicked the > nearest of the beings five feet as hard as she could. MIKE: She kicked it five feet away? What is this, Master Ninja? > "QUAAAAAAWWWWWGGGG!", CROW: Then she steps on a duck. > bellowed the alien. MIKE: As luck would have it, that was one of the alien's more sensitive spots. BOTS: [ flinch ] > Iridiscia tried to > run, but with the alien's peculiar body construction, he was much > faster than she. > This is going to really hurt, thought Iridiscia. > > Look for Part II coming soon! CROW: Over already? That was fast. TOM: Well, let's go. MIKE: Fine by me. [ Everyone gets up. ] > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 2 ALL: Aaaugh! CROW: Well, that certainly was soon. [ They sit back down. ] > > Record 43JD21S1A423: TOM: Gesundheit! > Subject: Dangerous, Dirk CROW: Steakface, Rip. > Race: CROW: Rat. > Human, Earth origin > Arrests: 53 > Indictments: 12 TOM: Brain Cells: 23 > Convictions: 7, 2 Attempted Bribery, 2 Smuggling, Breaking and Entering, > Resisting Arrest, Nonpayment for Rendered Service > Outstanding Warrants: None > Weapons Permits: J1231 Martin Gas Gun > -- Tyler Police Data Network MIKE: Sounds like a profile for Shadowrun role-playing. > > This is it, I'm done for, thought Iridiscia. TOM: Didn't she think that in the last part? CROW: I think not. > "Excuse me," a voice said from behind the alien, "I don't think > the lady is interested." MIKE: Those Mary Kay folks just keep getting more aggressive! > "Grata bu? Vasea rata hudo grito!" TOM: These aliens're really fond of vowels, aren't they? > The alien looked to the back > of the bar, and called "Berea juto gopi budo!" CROW: Yeah, same to you. > 3 aliens, who bore a > similarity towards the first joined him. > "Puno quata grizaldi MIKE: The evildoer in "The Dragonslayer"? > defno!" the alien yelled at the man. > "You don't say...", the man drawled TOM: On a chalkboard! > sarcastically. With that he > pulled out a gun and shot something into a nearby chandelier-like > light fixture. CROW: Plot contrivance off the port bow! > "VEVEVEVEVE!!!", the aliens laughed. Unfortunately for them, > their laughing caused them not to notice the light fixture fall and > temporarily immobilize them. MIKE: [ Emeril ] Bam! > "QUAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!", the frustrated aliens screamed. CROW: Are they choking or something? > "Now would be a good time to leave, princess..." > "Hey! Who are you calling princess?! TOM: Sally? > And I can't leave, I'm > trying to meet someone." > "There are clubs better equipped CROW: Eww. > for you to find a man, but for > now, I'm assuming your life is more important to you.", with that > he grabbed her arm and nearly dragged her out the door. > "OWWW!! Hey, I need that arm! MIKE: That roboticized arm! CROW: Don't. Just don't. > And for your information, I > wasn't looking for... you know, I was looking for a man named Dirk > Dangerous." MIKE: Bold McThornbody! CROW: Slate McSlammeat! TOM: Dick Thickiron! > "Well, you found him... or rather, he found you..." CROW: With a metal detector. > "Who?", she replied sarcastically, "The alien back there?" > "No... me!" TOM: [ Dirk ] Me! I stole the cookies from the cookie jar! > "Funny, you don't seem the space hero type." CROW: [ Dirk ] Yeah, bite me, Dracoon. MIKE: Not like we'd know, since the only description of this guy so far is "a man". > "It's the name... 'Dirk Dangerous, Librarian' just doesn't have > a good ring to it." MIKE: I dunno... "Mike Nelson, Librarian"? BOTS: Nah. > By this time, they'd reached the local spaceport. Dirk urged > Iridiscia towards bay 252. CROW: Hey, look, 2 plus 2 is 4, and 5 plus 2 is 7, and that makes 47! MIKE: Whatever. > When they reached there a decrepit > looking ship awaited them. TOM: Hey, it's that one black stunt ship. > "This bucket of bolts?" > "Hey... It's either this or walking..." CROW: I'll walk back to Earth! > Iridiscia saw the logic in this and boarded the ship. It looked > even worse inside, with junk food wrappers, magazines with covers > missing, and other garbage lying about the place. MIKE: [ garbage ] Hey, got anything to eat? > "Strap in back there, toots, here we go!" ALL: [ singing ] On the Great Space Coaster! > "My name is not 'toots'. I am Iridiscia-- whoooaaa..", CROW: [ Iridiscia ] That tickles! > Iridiscia was interrupted as the acceleration of the space ship > pushed her back into her seat. TOM: Acceleration's just bein' a bully! > "Iridiscia Whoa. Interesting name..." > "My last name is not whoa, it's--" MIKE: Schnitzelvahk. > "Save it. I have work to do." > "How dare you interrupt me?!" CROW: [ Iridiscia ] You cad! MIKE: [ Dirk ] Is that a question? > "Look. I gotta get the Mega Drive hooked up or we're space > flotsam. TOM: If you go out in space without your Mega Drive you'll be space flotsam! [ pause ] Do you wanna be space flotsam?! MIKE: Hmm. CROW: Hmm. TOM: I don't want my buddies to be space flotsam! Better get back to the story! > Man the guns and keep them off our back." > "I don't CROW: [ Dracula ] Drink wine. > man guns." > "Either learn fast or we're dead, since you can't hook up the > Mega Drive." TOM: And what if I can? > The aliens' ships arced towards them, with obviously 1 thing on > their minds... ALL: Waffles!! > destruction... MIKE: OK, that too. TOM: Man, these aliens get touchy when you kick 'em in the privates! CROW: Hey, who doesn't? > > Look for Part 3 when I finish it! CROW: OK, I guess it's over now. MIKE: Ay-dee-ose, Dirk. [ Everyone gets up. ] > > DIRK DANGEROUS, SPACE HERO > By Dave "The Wizard" Hines > Part 3 ALL: Aieeya! MIKE: Rats. [ They sit back down. ] > > Mega Drive: TOM: The sequel to MegaRace. > Sucessor to the old Kender Star Drive, the Dracoon Mega > Drive is the CROW: Only way to fly. > modern way to travel in interstellar space. Where Star > Drive dealt with C, Mega Drive deals with C squared. Invented in SD > 4324 by Taurus Dracoon, now CEO of Dracoon Drives, Inc., it was > first used MIKE: To toast bagels. > by the Republic in 4330 and declared standard issue on > Republic built ships, starting with the Wohlwend ALL: Wohlwend! Wohlwend! Party time! Excellent! Woo woo!! > class ship in > 4347. The average ship has a Mega Factor 6 drive. -- Brorby's > Starship Guide TOM: Brorby's Starship Guide To *Pie*. > > "I'm telling you to man the guns! You can't connect the Mega > Drive, I can!" > "You have Mega Drive? Why didn't you say so? CROW: [ Dirk ] Um, I just did. > You man the guns, > I'll connect the drive." > "Really? Was this information in some woman's publication?" > "If you would have let me finish, I would've told you I MIKE: [ Iridiscia ] Know how to connect a drive. Duh. TOM: Yeah, like who doesn't? > was > Iridiscia Dracoon, daughter of Taurus Dracoon." TOM: I don't have anything to add to that. > Dirk recognized something in the name, MIKE: The "acoo", to be specific. > and gave in. "Alright, > just be quick about it." > Dirk made his way towards the gunnery chair, brushed off some > reading material, and sat down. CROW: TOM: [ Dirk ] Who put that pooty cushion there? > He activated the chair, and the > somewhat aged power systems came to life. A near miss rocked the > ship, and Dirk sneered "My turn..." CROW: To partee! > "Hey? You want to stop rocking this bird? I almost lost the > spanner!" MIKE: And if we had any idea what a spanner is, we might care. BOTS: *Might*. > Dirk mumbled something half to himself, and bracketed TOM: Hiii! My name is bracketed! > the > offending ship. He stitched a line of shots across the bow and the > ship imploded in a satisfyingly pyrotechnic display. MIKE: They're gonna go over the special effects budget! CROW: It's text, Mike. > Dirk had to > stop congratulating himself abruptly as he turned a hard right to > evade a couple of shots. MIKE: A hard right in space? CROW: Yeah, he's an extra for "Phantom Planet". > "Are you done yet?" > "Keep your suit on! ALL: Please! > Just a couple more seconds!" > Dirk's lapse in attention caused the ship to be hit. > "What happened?", cried Iridiscia's voice. TOM: Iridiscia herself was out having a cheeseburger. > "Minor hit. No damage." > "Shug! ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: Phrack! TOM: Froinlaven! CROW: Pootertoots! > It's a wonder you haven't been destroyed up until now! > OK, this thing's hooked up! I'm coming up!" TOM: For dinner! > "Don't bother! I've got to kick it in now. Buckle in!" > Iridiscia mumbled to herself CROW: [ Iridiscia ] I wasted a donut. > as she strapped herself into the > passenger seat in the engineering section. She felt the press of > acceleration, and thought it way too hard MIKE: So turn down the difficulty level. > for the maximum speed of > a ship of this class. They rocketed far away from their pursuers. CROW: > "OK! All clear! You can come up if you want." TOM: [ Dirk ] But I haven't cleaned for a while, so it's kinda messy. > Iridiscia took this half hearted invitation and came up to the > control section of the ship. > "Just how fast were you flying this deathtrap anyway? Some of > those systems haven't seen overhaul in years it seems!" > "First off, don't insult my ship. CROW: [ Dirk ] Or I'll have to shoot you out the airlock. > Second off, welcome to the MIKE: Ren Fest! > Valkyrie's Envy. ALL: Oooooh... > Formerly of the Iluvatar class, ALL: Ahhhhh... > but modified > enough by me that it's the first in the Dangerous class. CROW: And what exactly does this mean? MIKE: The author is desperate for ideas? CROW: He's just spittin' out gibberish as he goes? TOM: I have a mouse, and his name is Hanpan? MIKE, CROW: Huh?! > Modifications include better weaponry, conversion of the pilot's > quarters into an extended engine compartment, one of the reasons I > sleep out here. And a better Mega Drive, capable of Mega Factor 14." TOM: The sequel to Mega Man X3? > "FOURTEEN?! Most of the new Wizardian class ships can't even go CROW: [ Iridiscia ] Up a 20 degree slope! > that fast!" > "Yeah, I know. Wizardian class is vastly overrated. Now, why > are you here?" Iridiscia told Dirk of how her father had been > kidnapped. Dirk started to chuckle. TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, she said "napped". Uh-huh-huh-huh. > "May I ask what you find so amusing?!" Iridiscia asked in a > positively frozen tone of voice. MIKE: Cold shoulder? > "If I know old Taur, he's going to make those kidnappers wish > they never took him. He never quite adjusted to playing rich man." > Iridiscia chuckled at this herself. "OK, so now what are we > going to do?" TOM: Party!! > "You are returning to Earth, and I am going to go rescue your > father..." > "I'm afraid not. See, I tried just trusting people. First the > law, then the board of directors. If that worked, I wouldn't have MIKE: [ Iridiscia ] Said this just now. > come to you in the first place." > "Look... I'm not a babysitter..." CROW: [ Dirk ] I'm a baby *stomper*! MIKE: Crow! > "A babysitter?! We would have never made it off of Kironius if > it hadn't been for me!" > "I wouldn't have had to leave Kironius if it hadn't been for > you!" TOM: So there! > "Fine, you want to leave my father, after all the times he > saved your life, I'll do this myself." > Dirk sighed. Females of every species could be exasperating at > times. BOTS: [ nod simultaneously ] MIKE: Guys, the only females of *any* species you know are Pearl and Gypsy. TOM: And Nuveena. > "Well? What's it going to be? Are you going to help me or not?" > As if in answer, Dirk stood up, reached into a storage cabinet, > and pulled out a weapon. CROW: C'mon! Do it! You know you want to! > > Part 4 coming soon! MIKE: We've heard this before. TOM: Let's scramify! CROW: I'm with the moron. TOM: Thanks a l--heeey. [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 1 of 3 Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com -or- gleemoth@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------